NOW he quits drinking
NOW he quits drinking
I consulted with a lawyer 10 years ago.
Finally retained a lawyer about 8 years ago, but did not file.
Last week, I finally retained a lawyer AND filed for divorce. We've been living separately for over a year (sort of, since he lives next door).
I haven't served him yet, the paperwork should be completed within the next couple days. I'm filing for full custody based on his alcoholism and abuse and I have an arsenal of documentation to prove my case.
But NOW he quits drinking. He has not gone 2 days since I've known him without drinking. He's currently been sober about 2 weeks, but not following any kind of program as far as I can tell.
On the one hand, I'm glad he's finally facing his addiction and it will be better for him and our kids if he maintains sobriety. On the other hand, I feel like this is another tool in his manipulation toolbox-- "See, I'm a good guy, I don't even drink."
Like his newfound sobriety is supposed to just erase the years of drunken, abusive and erratic behavior. Like I'm the "bad guy" because he's doing everything he can to be a good man and I don't even care.
I don't care. I moved out over a year ago. I told him alcohol was a part of my decision (not the only part, mind you). I told him I needed him to confront his drinking and his rage. I gave him names and numbers of therapists.
He literally LIED to my face and told me he saw one of the therapists I recommended. I told him that he needed to stop drinking. He did not stop drinking for a single day. He said he would drink only wine and beer, but was soon back to the liters of vodka he goes through.
Finally, on Father's Day, the kids and I took him to brunch and a fancy restaurant. He's wasted. He pre-gamed it (brunch!) and then proceeded to throw back "bottomless mimosas" at the restaurant until he lost all faculties and physically attacked our daughter.
Last straw.
But now he's good sober dad. And I'm pissed about it.
Finally retained a lawyer about 8 years ago, but did not file.
Last week, I finally retained a lawyer AND filed for divorce. We've been living separately for over a year (sort of, since he lives next door).
I haven't served him yet, the paperwork should be completed within the next couple days. I'm filing for full custody based on his alcoholism and abuse and I have an arsenal of documentation to prove my case.
But NOW he quits drinking. He has not gone 2 days since I've known him without drinking. He's currently been sober about 2 weeks, but not following any kind of program as far as I can tell.
On the one hand, I'm glad he's finally facing his addiction and it will be better for him and our kids if he maintains sobriety. On the other hand, I feel like this is another tool in his manipulation toolbox-- "See, I'm a good guy, I don't even drink."
Like his newfound sobriety is supposed to just erase the years of drunken, abusive and erratic behavior. Like I'm the "bad guy" because he's doing everything he can to be a good man and I don't even care.
I don't care. I moved out over a year ago. I told him alcohol was a part of my decision (not the only part, mind you). I told him I needed him to confront his drinking and his rage. I gave him names and numbers of therapists.
He literally LIED to my face and told me he saw one of the therapists I recommended. I told him that he needed to stop drinking. He did not stop drinking for a single day. He said he would drink only wine and beer, but was soon back to the liters of vodka he goes through.
Finally, on Father's Day, the kids and I took him to brunch and a fancy restaurant. He's wasted. He pre-gamed it (brunch!) and then proceeded to throw back "bottomless mimosas" at the restaurant until he lost all faculties and physically attacked our daughter.
Last straw.
But now he's good sober dad. And I'm pissed about it.
My AH can go 2 weeks without drinking that's nothing. It doesn't make him sober. AH has quit drinking for a few months at a time...issue is he can't stay that way because he's not working a program. I didn't know that he needed to until I came here. I would still make visits supervised by a 3rd party and I would see if it's possible that he has to wear one of those watches or something. If I leave my AH I already decided that he has to have supervised parenting time. I can't trust him to leave him alone with my kids.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
2 weeks is not “quit drinking”. He’s got a long row to hoe and without help I suspect he will be drinking before you know it. I have been here many many times and the path always seems to go back to him drinking. Maintain your stance, proceed forward, and don’t fall for the short sighted changes.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Two weeks? He's not "good sober dad", he's "dad who has not had a new public incident of alcohol-related disruption in fourteen days".
If you are worried about how this might affect your custody case, my very limited experience is that no judge who's been around the block is going to be impressed by an alcoholic who claims that everything is fine because he hasn't been arrested/seen to be publicly intoxicated/in a fight/whatever in the past two weeks. Alcoholics say things like this all the time, and they are transparent. My ex has repeatedly claimed that he's fine, he's quit drinking, everything is okay, and it is always evident that everything is not okay.
If you are worried about how this might affect your custody case, my very limited experience is that no judge who's been around the block is going to be impressed by an alcoholic who claims that everything is fine because he hasn't been arrested/seen to be publicly intoxicated/in a fight/whatever in the past two weeks. Alcoholics say things like this all the time, and they are transparent. My ex has repeatedly claimed that he's fine, he's quit drinking, everything is okay, and it is always evident that everything is not okay.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
I’m so sorry, it sounds like you’ve been through so much. From what you’ve shared here, you’ve made the right decision 100%. Alcohol abuse and physical abuse are 0 tolerance issues, particularly when children are involved.
The best advice I can give you is to not even pay attention to his state of sobriety, especially this early on. Two weeks is very early sobriety; people are still very unpredictable at this stage, and if he’s not following a program, I would predict an unfortunate relapse very soon.
You made the brave decision to keep him out of your life, so now i think you should try to make his sobriety or lack thereof out of the picture for now. In terms of legal things, anyone who knows about alcoholism knows that two weeks does not constitute “quitting”; it’s a lifelong battle. It seems like things are pretty raw right now,. Have you gone to Alanon? I’m sure people there would have a lot of advice on how to deal with seeing your SO doing better after they put you through hell. It probably feels like a betrayal; like you could’ve quit at any time, and you chose not to when you were with me. It’s not that simple, unfortunately.
I wish you all the best!!
The best advice I can give you is to not even pay attention to his state of sobriety, especially this early on. Two weeks is very early sobriety; people are still very unpredictable at this stage, and if he’s not following a program, I would predict an unfortunate relapse very soon.
You made the brave decision to keep him out of your life, so now i think you should try to make his sobriety or lack thereof out of the picture for now. In terms of legal things, anyone who knows about alcoholism knows that two weeks does not constitute “quitting”; it’s a lifelong battle. It seems like things are pretty raw right now,. Have you gone to Alanon? I’m sure people there would have a lot of advice on how to deal with seeing your SO doing better after they put you through hell. It probably feels like a betrayal; like you could’ve quit at any time, and you chose not to when you were with me. It’s not that simple, unfortunately.
I wish you all the best!!
WhiteFeathers…...2days...or 2 weeks...is nothing in terms of regaining sobriety.....
much less, making him a "good sober dad"...…
Don't even waste you energy being "pissed"....that w ill just throw you off your own path.....
If he is not working a program, it is likely to not last.....it is probably, as you suggested, just a ploy to get you off his back about divorce, etc.....
Of course, you have years and years of stored resentments....who wouldn't?
Being married did not stop him from drinking....and, being divorced wo n't either....The only way that he will stop drinking and get into genuine recovery is to want it more than anything else....and, it doesn't sound like he is even close.....
It doesn't sound like you are very knowledgeable about the nature of alcoholism...how it works....
The reason that I say that is because it seems like you are having a lot of false hope and unreasonable expectations of how an alcoholic should behave.....
lol...I am sure that you are intimately familiar with the misery that comes with living with an alcoholic, though.
Might as well stop future tripping about his future and how he runs his life...and, focus on yourself and creating a nurturing life for yourself and your children...…
I think it would help you enormously to learn all you can about alcoholism, co-dependency, and how it affects the loved ones...….
much less, making him a "good sober dad"...…
Don't even waste you energy being "pissed"....that w ill just throw you off your own path.....
If he is not working a program, it is likely to not last.....it is probably, as you suggested, just a ploy to get you off his back about divorce, etc.....
Of course, you have years and years of stored resentments....who wouldn't?
Being married did not stop him from drinking....and, being divorced wo n't either....The only way that he will stop drinking and get into genuine recovery is to want it more than anything else....and, it doesn't sound like he is even close.....
It doesn't sound like you are very knowledgeable about the nature of alcoholism...how it works....
The reason that I say that is because it seems like you are having a lot of false hope and unreasonable expectations of how an alcoholic should behave.....
lol...I am sure that you are intimately familiar with the misery that comes with living with an alcoholic, though.
Might as well stop future tripping about his future and how he runs his life...and, focus on yourself and creating a nurturing life for yourself and your children...…
I think it would help you enormously to learn all you can about alcoholism, co-dependency, and how it affects the loved ones...….
It doesn't sound like you are very knowledgeable about the nature of alcoholism...how it works....
The reason that I say that is because it seems like you are having a lot of false hope and unreasonable expectations of how an alcoholic should behave.....
lol...I am sure that you are intimately familiar with the misery that comes with living with an alcoholic, though.
The reason that I say that is because it seems like you are having a lot of false hope and unreasonable expectations of how an alcoholic should behave.....
lol...I am sure that you are intimately familiar with the misery that comes with living with an alcoholic, though.
But I hate feeling manipulated by him and that's what this is. When I call him good sober dad, please note what I really means is "good, sober dad, " emphasis on the quotes. Obviously he isn't that.
WhiteFeathers….then you know that it is only going to get worse than it is.....
And, I would suggest that you find the ways to stop depending on him, at all.....I was a single parent of 3 small children, when I divorced their father.....and, I learned that I had to function totally without any "help" from him.
I know how convenient it is to have a driver, before work...but, I couldn't depend on anything....and, I had a job that I had to be at the hospital at ten minutes till 7 in the AM.....
It sure isn't easy!
Also, it is a set-up for disaster to drag a drunk guy to a brunch where mimosas are flowing, and expect a good result.....
Norman Rockwell fantasies of family togetherness, mostly have to go by the wayside with an active alcoholic.....
It is so sad to hear about your son going over to his house to pour out his liquor....the poor child already is taking on his shoulders to try to control his dad's drinking.....too much for a child to try to take on...…
I know that living next door fed the idea that he could still live the illusion of happy and connected family unit...but, that is just low lying fruit for the active alcoholic to throw a monkey wrench for every best-laid plan.....
I think, that, for an abusive and out of control alcoholic...firm boundaries, all around is the best thing....the most workable thing....
because you can't control him, and he can't control himself...…
I know that I sound like an old meanie......but, I speak from experience and have the scars to show, for it...…
I am trying to help you....
lol...I think that I suggested in one of your past threads that you would need to grow a really thick rhino skin......
And, I would suggest that you find the ways to stop depending on him, at all.....I was a single parent of 3 small children, when I divorced their father.....and, I learned that I had to function totally without any "help" from him.
I know how convenient it is to have a driver, before work...but, I couldn't depend on anything....and, I had a job that I had to be at the hospital at ten minutes till 7 in the AM.....
It sure isn't easy!
Also, it is a set-up for disaster to drag a drunk guy to a brunch where mimosas are flowing, and expect a good result.....
Norman Rockwell fantasies of family togetherness, mostly have to go by the wayside with an active alcoholic.....
It is so sad to hear about your son going over to his house to pour out his liquor....the poor child already is taking on his shoulders to try to control his dad's drinking.....too much for a child to try to take on...…
I know that living next door fed the idea that he could still live the illusion of happy and connected family unit...but, that is just low lying fruit for the active alcoholic to throw a monkey wrench for every best-laid plan.....
I think, that, for an abusive and out of control alcoholic...firm boundaries, all around is the best thing....the most workable thing....
because you can't control him, and he can't control himself...…
I know that I sound like an old meanie......but, I speak from experience and have the scars to show, for it...…
I am trying to help you....
lol...I think that I suggested in one of your past threads that you would need to grow a really thick rhino skin......
I've been going to Al-Anon for a year on and off, but I haven't been really working the program and I haven't gotten a sponsor yet, which is my homework for tomorrow.
WhiteFeathers….that is a good, idea, I think. I, also, would add that a support group that is run by your local domestic violence group, might be more specific to your individual needs, right now...…(nothing against alanon, of course)…..
Living with the verbal abuse for so long does leave scars and does a job on a person's self esteem...….even if it isn't realized...…
lol...I am going to look up John Wick, and, find out who he is......
Living with the verbal abuse for so long does leave scars and does a job on a person's self esteem...….even if it isn't realized...…
lol...I am going to look up John Wick, and, find out who he is......
But now he's good sober dad. And I'm pissed about it.
its his lie- let him own it. you know the truth.
there is a difference between being sober, being dry, and being in recovery and this:
his man-baby feelings are so much more important than my feelings or well-being
is an example of being dry.
I'm going all John Wick on it all.
hes gonna have some serious problems then!!
but the problems wont last long.
its his lie- let him own it. you know the truth.
there is a difference between being sober, being dry, and being in recovery and this:
his man-baby feelings are so much more important than my feelings or well-being
is an example of being dry.
I'm going all John Wick on it all.
hes gonna have some serious problems then!!
but the problems wont last long.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
I consulted with a lawyer 10 years ago.
Finally retained a lawyer about 8 years ago, but did not file.
Last week, I finally retained a lawyer AND filed for divorce. We've been living separately for over a year (sort of, since he lives next door).
I haven't served him yet, the paperwork should be completed within the next couple days. I'm filing for full custody based on his alcoholism and abuse and I have an arsenal of documentation to prove my case.
But NOW he quits drinking. He has not gone 2 days since I've known him without drinking. He's currently been sober about 2 weeks, but not following any kind of program as far as I can tell.
On the one hand, I'm glad he's finally facing his addiction and it will be better for him and our kids if he maintains sobriety. On the other hand, I feel like this is another tool in his manipulation toolbox-- "See, I'm a good guy, I don't even drink."
Like his newfound sobriety is supposed to just erase the years of drunken, abusive and erratic behavior. Like I'm the "bad guy" because he's doing everything he can to be a good man and I don't even care.
I don't care. I moved out over a year ago. I told him alcohol was a part of my decision (not the only part, mind you). I told him I needed him to confront his drinking and his rage. I gave him names and numbers of therapists.
He literally LIED to my face and told me he saw one of the therapists I recommended. I told him that he needed to stop drinking. He did not stop drinking for a single day. He said he would drink only wine and beer, but was soon back to the liters of vodka he goes through.
Finally, on Father's Day, the kids and I took him to brunch and a fancy restaurant. He's wasted. He pre-gamed it (brunch!) and then proceeded to throw back "bottomless mimosas" at the restaurant until he lost all faculties and physically attacked our daughter.
Last straw.
But now he's good sober dad. And I'm pissed about it.
Finally retained a lawyer about 8 years ago, but did not file.
Last week, I finally retained a lawyer AND filed for divorce. We've been living separately for over a year (sort of, since he lives next door).
I haven't served him yet, the paperwork should be completed within the next couple days. I'm filing for full custody based on his alcoholism and abuse and I have an arsenal of documentation to prove my case.
But NOW he quits drinking. He has not gone 2 days since I've known him without drinking. He's currently been sober about 2 weeks, but not following any kind of program as far as I can tell.
On the one hand, I'm glad he's finally facing his addiction and it will be better for him and our kids if he maintains sobriety. On the other hand, I feel like this is another tool in his manipulation toolbox-- "See, I'm a good guy, I don't even drink."
Like his newfound sobriety is supposed to just erase the years of drunken, abusive and erratic behavior. Like I'm the "bad guy" because he's doing everything he can to be a good man and I don't even care.
I don't care. I moved out over a year ago. I told him alcohol was a part of my decision (not the only part, mind you). I told him I needed him to confront his drinking and his rage. I gave him names and numbers of therapists.
He literally LIED to my face and told me he saw one of the therapists I recommended. I told him that he needed to stop drinking. He did not stop drinking for a single day. He said he would drink only wine and beer, but was soon back to the liters of vodka he goes through.
Finally, on Father's Day, the kids and I took him to brunch and a fancy restaurant. He's wasted. He pre-gamed it (brunch!) and then proceeded to throw back "bottomless mimosas" at the restaurant until he lost all faculties and physically attacked our daughter.
Last straw.
But now he's good sober dad. And I'm pissed about it.
Your filing divorce may have been the final straw on the mess he's made of his life with his family. His bottom. Maybe this will finally drive him to sobriety.
If I were a betting man, I wouldn't put money on it.
If I were a betting man, I wouldn't put money on it.
If he's truly sorry, he wouldn't be expecting you to take him back. He would acknowledge the years of pain and abuse he's inflicted on you.
Right now, it sounds like he's just pretending nothing ever took place to begin with. You said it yourself...
Do you want to stay with a person who wants you to lie to yourself to make himself feel better?
Right now, it sounds like he's just pretending nothing ever took place to begin with. You said it yourself...
I feel like this is another tool in his manipulation toolbox-- "See, I'm a good guy, I don't even drink."
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Two weeks into sobriety and no program is just a mere beginning. It takes so much more time and action consistently to really change. H can do many things if he wants something. Then nothing, once he gets it. His behavior won't change overnight without a program. It's always in the back of my mind, when will he go back to drinking?
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