Freedom1990

This is definitely moving in a positive direction! Trying to talk rationally to my EXAH was an exercise in futility. These days it's my youngest daughter who is the alcoholic. There are days I slip and engage, and how ugly it can get!

I will keep you in my prayers, and lots of warm hugs from Kansas!

Sasha1972

One idea that really did me good was "you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to". It is fine to just ignore texts or comments that are provoking. You have the freedom to say to yourself "well, I don't think I feel like arguing that point right now [or ever]".

I don't know what your husband's family of origin was like, but my ex grew up in a home with two active alcoholics. One thing both his second ex-wife and I have noticed is that in a weird way he is most comfortable with chaos and misery, because that's what's familiar to him. Tension, blaming, triangulating, fight-picking - those are his modalities of human interaction so that's what he always goes to. Addiction is perfectly suited to all of these behaviors, so they feed each other. Maybe your husband is similar??

alwayscovering

Idk he grew up in a neuclear family. Dad worked out of town a lot. Mom was SAHM until they were in school. His mom is manic depressive but she takes her meds. His view of his mom is nothing like what I experience with her and his and his sisters version of their childhood are on the complete opposite sides of the spectrum. I do feel like he likes drama or to focus on someone else’s issues and I figured it was so he didn’t have to deal with his problems. For example: my dad died 10 years ago, my mom has a “friend” he seems nice and she’s happy so I’m happy for her. My dad died really young (55) and I’m glad she feels she can move on and maybe not be alone? He keeps asking me if I’m okay with it even though I’ve said 50 billion times I’m fine with it. I believe he needs therapy beyond just AA and quitting drinking.

NYCDoglvr

Maybe it helps to understand that when you're talking to an active alcoholic you're really talking to the bottle. Nobody is home. All you can do is take care of yourself, get to Alanon, which has amazing support. Read all the stickey's.
A big hug!