Forestcat1

My husband has been sober from alcohol for 5 months due to an affair with a very dysfunctional first girlfriend and her bankrupt family. I'm worried about what I'll have to deal with and need to prepare myself so I can stand strong. I will be working on myself (have already read some great advice links on this site) and working through being a codie but I probably need to protect myself against his future behaviour. He was made redundant and is using his first gf to escape back to the start of his life and start again. He's determined to make it work but he's not doing the 12 step programme and is just relying on his relationship with this very messed up woman (anorexic, 2 abusive marriages, manipulative suicide attempts). When the shine wears off I'm worried that he will try and manipulate me. Would love some advice from anyone who's coped with something like this, how did you stay strong? Is there likely to be a relapse when they hit reality? THANKS

AnvilheadII

work on the word NO.

if you are done, you are done. and it won't matter what HE does.
he can't talk you into anything that you do not buy into. the only power he has is what you give him.....take it back, and keep it.

marie1960

the only change you can expect is the one you are willing to make.

Concentrate and address your life needs, the only one who can make this situation better is YOU. Wishing you all the best.

Bekindalways

Welcome to Soberrecovery Forestcat and I am so very sorry for what brings you here.

5 months sober for your husband is both fabulous and just a start. I hope you are taking care of yourself. Alanon doesn't work for everyone but is a life saver for many. Also the book, Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here.

I'm a bit confused. Is he still seeing the girlfriend?

Courage and strength to you at this difficult time.

dandylion

Forestcat…..to answer you question...I will tell you the same thing that I told you in my last post to you....Yes, relapse is likely....since not working a program and starting a new relationship.....lol...did you not believe me??

Now...I have a question for you....you have asked/wondered about his possible relapse when /if the new relationship goes South...…
What does this mean to you....what are your wishes or hopes for that situation? Perhaps, do you wish for him to see the error of his ways...see the light, and return to you...humble and remorseful...ready to make all things right? Or, perhaps, would it do your soul good for Karma to smite him and have him fall flat on his face for all the pain that he has cause you, and left you for "another? Or...perhaps...do you see him leaving her and continuing real sobriety, work a program and become a great co-parent for your daughter?
LOL...I am just spitballing here....because I think that it would be good to get clear about what is in the back of your mind.....

How to stay strong....get a face to face support group, and your own therapist, and continue to walk into the future a day at a time....trusting that the Universe will take care of you as long as you put your own welfare as first priority….You have a lot of life to live and a daughter to raise....and you should live it with joy....

PeacefulWater12

My feeling is that you need to decide when he comes trying to get back with you whether you want him back or not.

They usually do try and come back when the shine on the new relationship wears off.

LLLisa

There is no need to be or stay "strong" once you have made up your mind.

If you know in your heart you will have him back then being "strong" won't be of any help whatsoever.

Personally, I detest it when people tell me that I am "strong" because I. am. not. strong. I am incredibly human just like everyone else.

Decide what you want and then work toward your goals.

LifeRecovery

I finally started to deal with my exAH addiction to alcohol when he had an affair.

Neither an affair or his addiction was easy to recover from but I feel like I have from both with time and a lot of hard work.

How did I do it. Getting busy on my own recovery. Eventually what he chose or did not stopped mattering.

Leelee168

I'm a little confused: is your H claiming that his use of alcohol is due to the ex-girlfriend and her family? That sounds like an excuse to me. Is he seeing her again and claiming that she is helping his recovery? That is beyond an excuse and I have no words, very honestly.
Five months sober is really a very short time for a process that will be in his life for the rest of his life.