Sage advice on if this is Codie Behavoir
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Sage advice on if this is Codie Behavoir
I just typed an essay and it was deleted. I guess it was an exercise to get my disorganized thoughts out? Hah!
So, without the nitty gritty, the high level is:
I have a no contact order of protection and exclusive possession of our home with DD (7). The OP is the result of my STBXAH relapsing after he begged for rehab and reconciliation when we were separated. I confronted him on relapsing (while he was drunk, brilliant move on my part, I know, but we all have our breaking point and after months of detachment I was sick of turning the other cheek). When I confronted him things got ugly. I said things i’m not proud of. They were true but attacking words and meant to hurt him. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I was flooded. He was drunk, in my home, with my daughter, and refusing to leave. I basically told him I was on to him, he wouldn’t get away with this, and I was gonna throw the book at him divorce and custody wise. I called him an unfit parent, said I can’t trust him with our daughter. He grabbed me by the throat and threw me down. I called 911. He was arrested. I got the order of protection. It was hell on earth, like setting fire to my life and watching it burn. The no contact has been bliss. I am healing. I hate the choices I made and feel like I’m to blame for the outcome. I go to therapy. Friends and family check me. I still feel the fill weight of my choices and how the affect my DD.
Flash forward. We don’t have a parenting agreement yet. We have temporary visitation sorted and it SUCKS for my DD. Last night at 1:00 AM he text me. It was lame. Typical, ‘have me arrested if you like but I CANNOT live without you!’.
This single text has thrown me into turmoil. That awful, churning anxiety of broken boundaries. I hate this. I hate that he violated the order of protection. If I call the police he’ll likely go to jail. He broke the terms of his plea on the battery charge. He’s screwed. He has compromised time with DD. I get that he did this to himself, but I don’t feel threatened. I feel sad. I thought his number was blocked. I won’t respond. Is it psycho and Codie and dumb to simply ignore the text and block him??? Am I protecting him??? I wish him no ill will. I have made peace with the fact that he’s very very ill and even in treatment I can’t have a relationship with him. It wasn’t just alcoholism. It was his abusive family, clear behavioral health issues (I believe he’s BPD from a severely abusuvd childhood). It’s ok. I will always love him as the father of my child but I don’t want to be with him anymore. So seriously, am I being a naive idiot not to report him?
So, without the nitty gritty, the high level is:
I have a no contact order of protection and exclusive possession of our home with DD (7). The OP is the result of my STBXAH relapsing after he begged for rehab and reconciliation when we were separated. I confronted him on relapsing (while he was drunk, brilliant move on my part, I know, but we all have our breaking point and after months of detachment I was sick of turning the other cheek). When I confronted him things got ugly. I said things i’m not proud of. They were true but attacking words and meant to hurt him. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I was flooded. He was drunk, in my home, with my daughter, and refusing to leave. I basically told him I was on to him, he wouldn’t get away with this, and I was gonna throw the book at him divorce and custody wise. I called him an unfit parent, said I can’t trust him with our daughter. He grabbed me by the throat and threw me down. I called 911. He was arrested. I got the order of protection. It was hell on earth, like setting fire to my life and watching it burn. The no contact has been bliss. I am healing. I hate the choices I made and feel like I’m to blame for the outcome. I go to therapy. Friends and family check me. I still feel the fill weight of my choices and how the affect my DD.
Flash forward. We don’t have a parenting agreement yet. We have temporary visitation sorted and it SUCKS for my DD. Last night at 1:00 AM he text me. It was lame. Typical, ‘have me arrested if you like but I CANNOT live without you!’.
This single text has thrown me into turmoil. That awful, churning anxiety of broken boundaries. I hate this. I hate that he violated the order of protection. If I call the police he’ll likely go to jail. He broke the terms of his plea on the battery charge. He’s screwed. He has compromised time with DD. I get that he did this to himself, but I don’t feel threatened. I feel sad. I thought his number was blocked. I won’t respond. Is it psycho and Codie and dumb to simply ignore the text and block him??? Am I protecting him??? I wish him no ill will. I have made peace with the fact that he’s very very ill and even in treatment I can’t have a relationship with him. It wasn’t just alcoholism. It was his abusive family, clear behavioral health issues (I believe he’s BPD from a severely abusuvd childhood). It’s ok. I will always love him as the father of my child but I don’t want to be with him anymore. So seriously, am I being a naive idiot not to report him?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Well, I'm not an attorney...
It was a text. You thought he was blocked. He was likely drunk. Obviously don't reply. I mean, you could ask your attorney.
It doesn't even really matter if you block him, he can always find another not-blocked phone to use.
I wouldn't know what to do, either. Definitely against the order, though. So you would be justified reporting it. I don't feel like it's enabling if you choose not to - but it would open the door for him to keep contacting you. It's your call.
Maybe pray about it and give it a day then ask your attorney when you are more settled about how you feel.
It was a text. You thought he was blocked. He was likely drunk. Obviously don't reply. I mean, you could ask your attorney.
It doesn't even really matter if you block him, he can always find another not-blocked phone to use.
I wouldn't know what to do, either. Definitely against the order, though. So you would be justified reporting it. I don't feel like it's enabling if you choose not to - but it would open the door for him to keep contacting you. It's your call.
Maybe pray about it and give it a day then ask your attorney when you are more settled about how you feel.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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I would report it. He pushed at your (legally binding) boundary, he is testing your resolve... if you let him "get away" with it he will continue pushing. You might not feel threatened by what he said, but it seems very threatening to me.
All actions have consequences. His, yours, everybody's....
Please protect yourself and your daughter from his behavior.
All actions have consequences. His, yours, everybody's....
Please protect yourself and your daughter from his behavior.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
fml23...….I think an item of grave concern is that...when angry....he actually grabbed you by the throat. Those who work/research in domestic abuse...cite strangulation as the greatest predictor of your life being in danger....
Even if you are not "scared" now....from his contacting you....there is no predicting what he will do...and, where he would stop, if he were angry...or a angry and drunk.
His actions show that he will violate any rules that he can whenever he feels like it.....He already knows that you can report it...and he challenged that...he knows that he is not supposed to contact you... and, he did it.....and, he has already grabbed your throat hard enough to throw you to the ground.....
The most dangerous time for a woman is when they are contemplating or first leaving.....because the other spouse is feeling a loss of control over you. They might take actions that they have never done before.....
If he were capable of controlling himself...you wouldn't be in the position of having a protection order, already...…
If you are not I n contact with the domestic abuse people...in your local organization...I suggest t hat you call them and talk to them, confidentially about your situation. They are very understanding , knowledgeable, and non-judgemental. They deal with this kind of situation, every day. They can offer you advice, counseling, help keep you safe, and other supportive services...…
You need all of the support that you can get for yourself. Your situation is dangerous, even if you don't feel like it is. You don't want to be one of those statistics that are in the paper, every day, where I live.....(large metropolitan area)…….
The number that can help you find the closest abuse organization near you is:
Domestic Violence Hotline.....1..800..799...7233....
***I think it is pretty safe to say that he was drunk when he texted you at that time of night.....which shows that his judgement is gone when he is drinking...so, drinking cannot be used as an excuse to excuse him from his actions....
Even if you are not "scared" now....from his contacting you....there is no predicting what he will do...and, where he would stop, if he were angry...or a angry and drunk.
His actions show that he will violate any rules that he can whenever he feels like it.....He already knows that you can report it...and he challenged that...he knows that he is not supposed to contact you... and, he did it.....and, he has already grabbed your throat hard enough to throw you to the ground.....
The most dangerous time for a woman is when they are contemplating or first leaving.....because the other spouse is feeling a loss of control over you. They might take actions that they have never done before.....
If he were capable of controlling himself...you wouldn't be in the position of having a protection order, already...…
If you are not I n contact with the domestic abuse people...in your local organization...I suggest t hat you call them and talk to them, confidentially about your situation. They are very understanding , knowledgeable, and non-judgemental. They deal with this kind of situation, every day. They can offer you advice, counseling, help keep you safe, and other supportive services...…
You need all of the support that you can get for yourself. Your situation is dangerous, even if you don't feel like it is. You don't want to be one of those statistics that are in the paper, every day, where I live.....(large metropolitan area)…….
The number that can help you find the closest abuse organization near you is:
Domestic Violence Hotline.....1..800..799...7233....
***I think it is pretty safe to say that he was drunk when he texted you at that time of night.....which shows that his judgement is gone when he is drinking...so, drinking cannot be used as an excuse to excuse him from his actions....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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fml23...to answer you direct question....I don't know if your feeling/actions are "Codie", or not....I very rarely use that word, myself.....
But....I do think it is reflective of a certain amount of denial....and, maybe a certain amount of ignorance about abuse....and, fear, on your part...…
I think that you need very honest answers to your questions, right now...even if they may sound "blunt" to you...this is no time for sugar-coating reality...there is too much at stake....
But....I do think it is reflective of a certain amount of denial....and, maybe a certain amount of ignorance about abuse....and, fear, on your part...…
I think that you need very honest answers to your questions, right now...even if they may sound "blunt" to you...this is no time for sugar-coating reality...there is too much at stake....
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Am I protecting him???
it would seem to me that if you didnt allow him to face the concequences of his actions, actions that are set in plce of what he is not allowed to do, then yes, it would be protecting him. it could very well open the door for more actions that cross the line.
onto the text:
‘have me arrested if you like but I CANNOT live without you!’.
hhmmmmm.. i aint that smart but it seems he hasnt done too good livin with ya and even without ya, hes been able to live.
it would seem to me that if you didnt allow him to face the concequences of his actions, actions that are set in plce of what he is not allowed to do, then yes, it would be protecting him. it could very well open the door for more actions that cross the line.
onto the text:
‘have me arrested if you like but I CANNOT live without you!’.
hhmmmmm.. i aint that smart but it seems he hasnt done too good livin with ya and even without ya, hes been able to live.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I have a slightly different view than others - I am not sure that reporting this text to the police would accomplish anything. It is a violation of a no-contact order, but I am not sure that it's the kind of violation that would prompt police response. It doesn't contain a direct threat to you or anyone else. I agree it sounds ominous and I would absolutely be freaked out by receiving it.
My experience with police is that unless that they protect people's lives, they protect property rights, and they ensure public order. If none of those three is in really obvious jeopardy, they don't act because they're overloaded with situations in which lives/property/order is at stake. This SUCKS, I know. I have been in similar circumstances to you, and have been told by police that there's no law against being an a******.
I would document the text by taking a screenshot and save it for your lawyer in case you need to show a pattern of behavior. Then block him (call your phone service provider if necessary to make sure his number is blocked).
I also really support the recommendations above to get in touch with the nearest domestic violence shelter.
My experience with police is that unless that they protect people's lives, they protect property rights, and they ensure public order. If none of those three is in really obvious jeopardy, they don't act because they're overloaded with situations in which lives/property/order is at stake. This SUCKS, I know. I have been in similar circumstances to you, and have been told by police that there's no law against being an a******.
I would document the text by taking a screenshot and save it for your lawyer in case you need to show a pattern of behavior. Then block him (call your phone service provider if necessary to make sure his number is blocked).
I also really support the recommendations above to get in touch with the nearest domestic violence shelter.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
My attorney will tell me to report it as evidence of his abuse and to clean the floor with him. And charge me a fee for saying it. I like my attorney cause he’s a jerk who goes for the jugular but I don’t go to him until I have explicit needs.
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
Well, I'm not an attorney...
It was a text. You thought he was blocked. He was likely drunk. Obviously don't reply. I mean, you could ask your attorney.
It doesn't even really matter if you block him, he can always find another not-blocked phone to use.
I wouldn't know what to do, either. Definitely against the order, though. So you would be justified reporting it. I don't feel like it's enabling if you choose not to - but it would open the door for him to keep contacting you. It's your call.
Maybe pray about it and give it a day then ask your attorney when you are more settled about how you feel.
It was a text. You thought he was blocked. He was likely drunk. Obviously don't reply. I mean, you could ask your attorney.
It doesn't even really matter if you block him, he can always find another not-blocked phone to use.
I wouldn't know what to do, either. Definitely against the order, though. So you would be justified reporting it. I don't feel like it's enabling if you choose not to - but it would open the door for him to keep contacting you. It's your call.
Maybe pray about it and give it a day then ask your attorney when you are more settled about how you feel.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 110
Thanks for all the responses. I made a decision to table the topic and take my DD to the pool and enjoy the sunshine. I feel a bit better.
I don’t know why the denial is so strong even after so much time and space. The truth is, I know by the awful feeling in my stomach that I need to report it. I know when I don’t, things get worse. Intellectually I hear the facts and know that he’s abusive. Emotionally, I simply don’t feel any truth there. I have the number to my local domestic violence shelter and was told they are wonderful at counseling. But I procrastinated calling. I have been feeling better and better. Receiving one text and agonizing about it isn’t really ok, tho, is it? If he respected me, the law, anything he wouldn’t have sent it. I feel literally no connection to the fear of domestic violence. I also feel like it’s crap to give me more to deal with and another thing to tackle when I’m just feeling free.
I don’t know why the denial is so strong even after so much time and space. The truth is, I know by the awful feeling in my stomach that I need to report it. I know when I don’t, things get worse. Intellectually I hear the facts and know that he’s abusive. Emotionally, I simply don’t feel any truth there. I have the number to my local domestic violence shelter and was told they are wonderful at counseling. But I procrastinated calling. I have been feeling better and better. Receiving one text and agonizing about it isn’t really ok, tho, is it? If he respected me, the law, anything he wouldn’t have sent it. I feel literally no connection to the fear of domestic violence. I also feel like it’s crap to give me more to deal with and another thing to tackle when I’m just feeling free.
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Yeah. I have worked hard and am enjoying this peace. I feel good. I don’t want him to ruin it. I’m afraid because any interaction is interaction I don’t want to have with him.
Originally Posted by dandylion
fml…...that feeling in the pit of your stomach is fear of something...perhaps, it is the fear of dealing with his stuff and how he will react, or what hell it will out you through?
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Originally Posted by fml23
Yeah. I have worked hard and am enjoying this peace. I feel good. I don’t want him to ruin it. I’m afraid because any interaction is interaction I don’t want to have with him.
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fml…..I get that. Please talk to the domestic violence folks....they can help you toward that goal. They will help you to protect yourself from him and his harassment.
Never forget that he was willing to put his hands around your neck. This is not a good sign, as I mentioned, before. You need to have lots of boundaries and safety measures and barriers in place.....
You have nothing to lose by talking to them and explaining your situation.....and, it may save your sanity and your l ife…..
Never forget that he was willing to put his hands around your neck. This is not a good sign, as I mentioned, before. You need to have lots of boundaries and safety measures and barriers in place.....
You have nothing to lose by talking to them and explaining your situation.....and, it may save your sanity and your l ife…..
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