bahookie

Well, it lasted all of a week and a half.
The obsession with me has ended, the kindness, the touching, the smiling eyes – all gone.
I know my a is depressed. She’s lost her rudder, lost her living, is losing self-respect.
I don’t know how much more of this I should expect myself to take though. How much of my life should I spend being understanding of nasty words, tantrums and big huffy puffs?
The big step forward with this new cycle of the s*** is that I’m seeing it for what it is, but that’s not making it any better. The reality is that I’m living with unpleasantness and I’m starting to think “Why should I?”
After a whole week and a half of at least 3 phone calls a day at work from her, I phoned her yesterday to say hi. “What are you phoning for? Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
Looking at her face when we met for dinner I asked “Have you had a bad day?” “Why does it have to have been a bad day? Can’t you say something positive?”
It seems I can’t do right for doing wrong.
I went to parents’ night for my youngest after that and got the best report he’s ever had. I was so filled with joy and pride I felt like my heart would burst. She threatened to spoil it with her nonsense but I wouldn’t let her in. Not to the good stuff.
And you could see it was driving her nuts.
I changed the steps of the dance and she stumbled, but I’m sure she’ll pick up the new ones. If she doesn’t, well, I’m taking my time, but saving and banking for the future.
Maybe it’s just me getting knackered!

J

equus

You'll have to cut and paste it ('cos I don't know how to do the linky thing) but try this site:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/c...mm_index.shtml

It gives some excellent advice!! For me, I had to make sure I was acting the best way I could when we had disagreements - my hubby can't argue, he gets in a complete state as soon as he feels targetted, basically he loses all sense of logic! This site helped SOOOOO much, it gave me stuff I could change and it's made a world of difference.

I think arguments/conflict (I think conflict without the row is sometimes harder) are a nightmare where depression is involved. You get caught between a rock and a hard place and everything ends up out of proportion. As we can't cure the depression it sort of makes sense to understand conflict and how to resolve it as best we can.

The stuff they suggest really does work - and I only did it alone, just checking my own behaviour, by the time I'd done that my hubby thought we were so good at sorting conflict out there was no need for us to read anything!!! I can actually say we haven't had a row get out of hand since May!!

bahookie

Thanks for that link (you made it a link without even breaking a sweat!)
I read most of the stuff on there, but I think it takes 2 to get some result from it? No?
If one of them is infact a high-functioning 4 year old there's not much hope!
but....
yip, I am hormonal, stressed and probably should just step back till the storm breaks and I feel like a human again!
Everything seems worse at this time of the month, so I should leave everything again.
Don't know how many agains I can handle though, that's the problem.

I'll read those bbc pages again when I'm more receptive

J
xxx
PS how you doing today?

equus

I think it's better with 2 people at it but it does say somewhere in there that it's worth doing alone as well. It helped me even working at it alone.

I changed stuff like not saying 'You always......' and trying to talk about difficult things while sitting down - and sometimes holding his hand. I wrote down the 'rules' bit and made sure I took it out and read it before bringing up anything that might cause upset - or if we started to disagree - I'd dive to the loo to get chance to go over it.

Each situation and individual are different but there's a lot of common sense there and that does help.

My hubby is mature and I think I'm very lucky but get him when he's feeling attacked (which doesn't take much) and you can watch the maturity physically disappear. Having said that there was a lot I needed to change too.

equus

Ooops - just saw the PS - thanks, I'm muddling through, sort of buttoning down the hatches and reminding myself it passes. My hubby's getting quite down again but he'll pull through, he always does!

DesertEyes

Hi there bahookie,

Don't have any answers for you as my own marriage is in chaos. I understand your pain, as I feel it too. Know that I am praying for you and praying that you are able to deal with all the emotions, one day at a time.

Mike :-)

sweeks

Haven't checked out that web page yet but my husband and I actually sat down and made some ground rules for agruing.

1. Apologies should always be sincere and should answered with thank you. No "it's fine" no shrug no beating a dead horse to make sure it got your point.

2. When you.....I feel..... you've probably heard this a million times but I'm telling you it works. Also my own little addtion. Instead of "You need to..." I'm saying "I need you to...." or "I'd like you to..." thats the truth anyway and it's usually a lot better received.

3. No sarcasm! nuff said.

gelfling

Hi Jane,

She sounds as if she might be bipolar. Has she seen a doctor or a therapist to see if she is suffering from some sort of physiological problem?

Love and hugs, Kathy

minnie

Jane

I'm sorry to hear you're on this rollercoaster.

Nothing constructive to say tonight, I'm afraid. Just know that I'm thinking of you.

Love

Minnie
xxxx

givingup

Way to go, Bahookie, in staying focused on your son and his accomplishments. Of course, when its not about them, our As go into a pout. I applaud you that you kept your attention on what was important - your child. Congratulations.

Karivan

Big hugs Bahookie... I'm sorry you're going through it again. I don't have anything wise to say... I've had 3 days of the silent treatment and it almost makes me wish he would be loud for a change. It's getting on my nerves so I came here to read words of wisdom and reset my boundaries.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know I feel for you and I'm happy for your son.

bahookie

Thank you so much for all your kind words and wishes.
It takes some effort and fortitude to make my way home and not dread the atmosphere there. However, I decided last night that if I expected bad stuff I'd most likely get it, so after a childish 15 minute pout I managed to drag the adult from within and I had a pleasant night.
We took the easy option and watched a dvd. I'm not paying attention to the constant moaning, and I tried to remember that I love her and treated her accordingly. She was in her pyjamas by half 7, coke in hand and big coal fire on. I do love her, I just have to stop the s*** becoming real, because it's not. It's the disease.


I was interested to read that this sounds like bi-polar disorder. No, she's not been to a doctor, but we're going for a visit to London next week and staying with a psychiatrist friend. Hmmm. Some reading's required I think.

Thanks again for caring. It makes such a difference. Since I lost my best friend to alcoholism I've been finding it hard. It's not the easiest thing to talk about to someone you don't trust completely.

I know, get myself to a meeting.

J
xxx

bahookie

just wanted to say that I hope things are improving for you. I know exactly how you feel and am thinking about you.
I always wonder how they have the stamina to keep up a mood for that long. I'd get tired of the effort needed after about 20 mins!

Hugs
Jane
xxx

Karivan

Thanks for your concern, Jane. He's still giving me the silent treatment and I don't know how he can keep it up this long. The other day I said, "This is the day the Lord made... let us rejoice and be glad in it." Then I said don't you get tired of dragging all that baggage around? Isn't it heavy? The Lord tells us to rejoice in today... not dwell on the past or try to predict the future but live for today. I may as well kept my mouth shut... it didn't even make a dent in the silence....

We go to counseling tomorrow so maybe I'll find out what I did to p*ss him off so bad. I'm trying not to mind and to stay peaceful but it's hard. I wish so much of the time that I lived alone. Then, like you, I wouldn't dread going home.

Anyhoo... take care of yourself and let us know how it goes with you. Hopefully she'll get some help. :hugehug

Karen