Newbie trying to find strength
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Castro Valley, CA
Posts: 8
Newbie trying to find strength
Hi everyone. This is my second post. I've never been good at forums, I either share too much OR leave out stuff because I don't want to bother anyone. So if I mess up, please be patient with me.
A little history: We've been together for 8 years, at first he drank a lot but never to the point that seemed to be worried about. We had fun, we loved each other immensely, we smiled. He proposed over a year ago and things were still good. Then last December he was fired because he smelled like alcohol. I tried to be patient and supportive, but he just kept drinking and drinking. He used to just drink beer or wine, but he switched to brandy and that's when things starting deteriorating. Our wedding was March 3rd, things were ok for a few weeks, then he starting in again. The last few weeks have been terrible. He's started yelling at me for things I never did, holding resentment towards me for working and accusing me of hiding his liquor when he finishes the bottle. I stopped sleeping through the night about a month ago. I'm scared he'll wake up and hurt himself or wet the bed. I feel I need to protect him all the time.
Here's the most recent crap:
Last night was my tipping point, I felt completely hollow. With every mumbled insult from my AH, I was breaking more and more, until I just shut off. My brain, my heart, everything just stopped feeling. I was sitting on my couch staring at the wall waiting for something that I couldn't put my finger on. I think that I was waiting for my AH to get sober so I could tell him how I felt, then realized I wasn't getting that opportunity anytime soon.
I could barely sleep last night, everything felt so empty. I laid awake on the couch, listening to him sleep.
When I left the house this morning I broke down crying. It hurts me so much knowing that when he is sober (or at least not as drunk) I miss out. I never get to experience that side of him anymore. I only witness the drunk, crazy, incoherent person that I can't find the strength to love anymore.
He just called me to say hello and again, I started crying. He asked what my problem was and I said "you, you're drinking is awful, I hate it" then he promised he wouldn't "get wasted today" I said "don't bother say that, I know it's a lie" then he told me to call him when I'm feeling better.
I feel selfish for wanting him to be sober. I feel guilty for all the times he's been out of booze and I bought him more. I hate myself for being at work instead of home to "take care" of him.
I'm looking into attending an Al-anon meeting, maybe that will help. I'm worried that I'll be the only one trying to improve our situation.
Anyway, that's all for now. I appreciate every one of you reading this and the journey you are on as well. I can't offer much advice, but I'm hear to listen if anyone ever needs to talk.
A little history: We've been together for 8 years, at first he drank a lot but never to the point that seemed to be worried about. We had fun, we loved each other immensely, we smiled. He proposed over a year ago and things were still good. Then last December he was fired because he smelled like alcohol. I tried to be patient and supportive, but he just kept drinking and drinking. He used to just drink beer or wine, but he switched to brandy and that's when things starting deteriorating. Our wedding was March 3rd, things were ok for a few weeks, then he starting in again. The last few weeks have been terrible. He's started yelling at me for things I never did, holding resentment towards me for working and accusing me of hiding his liquor when he finishes the bottle. I stopped sleeping through the night about a month ago. I'm scared he'll wake up and hurt himself or wet the bed. I feel I need to protect him all the time.
Here's the most recent crap:
Last night was my tipping point, I felt completely hollow. With every mumbled insult from my AH, I was breaking more and more, until I just shut off. My brain, my heart, everything just stopped feeling. I was sitting on my couch staring at the wall waiting for something that I couldn't put my finger on. I think that I was waiting for my AH to get sober so I could tell him how I felt, then realized I wasn't getting that opportunity anytime soon.
I could barely sleep last night, everything felt so empty. I laid awake on the couch, listening to him sleep.
When I left the house this morning I broke down crying. It hurts me so much knowing that when he is sober (or at least not as drunk) I miss out. I never get to experience that side of him anymore. I only witness the drunk, crazy, incoherent person that I can't find the strength to love anymore.
He just called me to say hello and again, I started crying. He asked what my problem was and I said "you, you're drinking is awful, I hate it" then he promised he wouldn't "get wasted today" I said "don't bother say that, I know it's a lie" then he told me to call him when I'm feeling better.
I feel selfish for wanting him to be sober. I feel guilty for all the times he's been out of booze and I bought him more. I hate myself for being at work instead of home to "take care" of him.
I'm looking into attending an Al-anon meeting, maybe that will help. I'm worried that I'll be the only one trying to improve our situation.
Anyway, that's all for now. I appreciate every one of you reading this and the journey you are on as well. I can't offer much advice, but I'm hear to listen if anyone ever needs to talk.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I'm looking into attending an Al-anon meeting, maybe that will help. I'm worried that I'll be the only one trying to improve our situation.
And you are absolutely correct, Alanon and being here will help you.
Hang in there, it's time to start taking care of yourself, and focus on making your life a happy one - no matter what he is doing.
And - you don't want him drinking, so if you stop buying him alcohol, at least that resentment will fade. And if hes a jerk when he's drunk, you have every right to leave and go have fun with friends or by yourself. No one has to stay and stand for that kind of treatment, you deserve way more than that.
GIANT (((HUGS))) to you - it is so painful.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Your not selfish for wanting him sober. Your not selfish for reaching your tipping point. You're coming to the realization that this is not what you wanted in a marriage. It hurts when I got to that point. When he's not investing in you but he does invest in the alcohol. You can't change him, cure him or control him. He has to see a problem and want that change. It's sad to say but at this point the marriage is working for him. How about you? How can you reach and invest in activities you like? Maybe try six Alanon meetings.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Hi DreRams!
First of all, please don't worry about getting your posts "right". We are all in the same boat here. I am the queen of the edit and still mess up posts all the time!
I'm sorry you are having a rough time right now, it sounds awful and obviously very upsetting to you and not surprising that you are getting to the end of your rope. Usually when people talk about relationships they talk about "red flags" shown by the other person. In reading your post I kind of see it the other way. Your "red flags".
He's complaining about your working etc, upsetting you greatly and instead of looking out for yourself you are concerned about him hurting himself. Red Flag!
Big red flag! When you start to dissociate from your feelings. This is your mind's way (in my opinion, having been there) of saying - ENOUGH! That's it, you have reached breaking point and that's enough and we are going to shut this down. Not to sound dramatic, but it is a big red flag that things are way off emotionally for you. I'm going to guess you probably feel completely drained. That's what happens when you are in a lopsided relationship. You cannot give and give and give emotionally and have nothing given back. Well you can and this is the result, you are empty. You are not a bottomless pit of empathy and compassion.
Red Flag! Why would you need to be at home to take care of him? Is he a child or an adult? Your responsibility in life does not include nursing his hangover - ever. Also, his response to you was cold to say the least. That's the lopsided thing, instead of addressing your concerns with compassion and care he dismissed you.
Run, don't walk, to your nearest Al-Anon meeting (any on today?). Al-Anon is about helping yourself, not the alcoholic and that is absolutely where your focus should be.
You can't "save" him, nor should you try. If he wants to stop drinking, which he obviously does not right now, he will find the help he needs. In the meantime, please stop looking after him and look after yourself.
First of all, please don't worry about getting your posts "right". We are all in the same boat here. I am the queen of the edit and still mess up posts all the time!
I'm sorry you are having a rough time right now, it sounds awful and obviously very upsetting to you and not surprising that you are getting to the end of your rope. Usually when people talk about relationships they talk about "red flags" shown by the other person. In reading your post I kind of see it the other way. Your "red flags".
I stopped sleeping through the night about a month ago. I'm scared he'll wake up and hurt himself or wet the bed. I feel I need to protect him all the time.
Last night was my tipping point, I felt completely hollow. With every mumbled insult from my AH, I was breaking more and more, until I just shut off. My brain, my heart, everything just stopped feeling
He just called me to say hello and again, I started crying. He asked what my problem was and I said "you, you're drinking is awful, I hate it" then he promised he wouldn't "get wasted today" I said "don't bother say that, I know it's a lie" then he told me to call him when I'm feeling better.
I feel selfish for wanting him to be sober. I feel guilty for all the times he's been out of booze and I bought him more. I hate myself for being at work instead of home to "take care" of him.
I feel selfish for wanting him to be sober. I feel guilty for all the times he's been out of booze and I bought him more. I hate myself for being at work instead of home to "take care" of him.
I'm looking into attending an Al-anon meeting, maybe that will help. I'm worried that I'll be the only one trying to improve our situation.
You can't "save" him, nor should you try. If he wants to stop drinking, which he obviously does not right now, he will find the help he needs. In the meantime, please stop looking after him and look after yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Castro Valley, CA
Posts: 8
YES YES YES! This is totally what I needed. People, tell me what I don't want to hear! I know in my heart that this crap is bonkers and totally unhealthy. Thank you all so much! Sometimes I just need a kick in the butt to start taking care of business!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
DreRams…….You may have never thought of it in these terms...but, it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship....
You have only been married for less than 4 months....and, it is not supposed to be like this....
There are many kinds of abuse besides being hit.....and, they all can leave scars on the inside. He is being controlled by his alcoholism and it will get worse...because alcoholism is progressive...meaning it will get worse over time....
Living in this kind of situation can do a terrible job on a person...it erodes the self esteem and causes a person to begin to doubt them selves,,,and, it can be hard to even think....
You need to talk to someone who understands this sort of situation and is non judgemental. I suggest that you call the Domestic Violence Hotline...they can direct you to the organization in your area.
You can talk to them in complete confidence....and, they will help you to know what to do.....ow to stay safe and where to get practical help, counseling, etc.
You will find them to be very kind and understanding.....and, your husband does not ever need to know.....
The phone number is.....1-800-799-7233......
You have only been married for less than 4 months....and, it is not supposed to be like this....
There are many kinds of abuse besides being hit.....and, they all can leave scars on the inside. He is being controlled by his alcoholism and it will get worse...because alcoholism is progressive...meaning it will get worse over time....
Living in this kind of situation can do a terrible job on a person...it erodes the self esteem and causes a person to begin to doubt them selves,,,and, it can be hard to even think....
You need to talk to someone who understands this sort of situation and is non judgemental. I suggest that you call the Domestic Violence Hotline...they can direct you to the organization in your area.
You can talk to them in complete confidence....and, they will help you to know what to do.....ow to stay safe and where to get practical help, counseling, etc.
You will find them to be very kind and understanding.....and, your husband does not ever need to know.....
The phone number is.....1-800-799-7233......
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I hope you know this is out of your control. There is absolutely nothing you can say or do to remedy this situation . Al Anon will offer you valuable coping skills. Detaching with love is something they share and suggest you work to achieve.
Personally speaking ,I see the detaching with love as a short term solution to a lifelong issue.
Only you can decide how you want to spend the rest of your life. You get to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life in uncertainty. Rehab, and recovery do not come with a guarantee. You are currently living with the consequences of your husbands life choices. He lost his job because the booze is ruling his world. Stability and security are not words often used when living with an active alcoholic . What you can expect, is more lather, rinse, repeat. There will be more chaos, Insanity, money problems, lies, denial, blackouts, bedwetting, and arguments, just to name a few.
You will find support here, folks will share their life, and share what they are doing to regain control of their lives.
Your husband is an adult, it is not YOUR job to protect him 24/7. You will drive yourself crazy if you continue that dialogue in your head, His actions, his consequences, he is supposed to be providing for and protecting you, that is his role in this marriage. Partners work together to attain a level of comfort and security, he currently is not holding up his end of the equation.
Time to start addressing your life needs, you certainly are worthy of an invested life partner, Give yourself permission to explore options that will enrich your life.
Sorry to say His addiction , currently renders him unavailable as a life partner. Take care of yourself, and hope to read more of your posts.
Personally speaking ,I see the detaching with love as a short term solution to a lifelong issue.
Only you can decide how you want to spend the rest of your life. You get to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life in uncertainty. Rehab, and recovery do not come with a guarantee. You are currently living with the consequences of your husbands life choices. He lost his job because the booze is ruling his world. Stability and security are not words often used when living with an active alcoholic . What you can expect, is more lather, rinse, repeat. There will be more chaos, Insanity, money problems, lies, denial, blackouts, bedwetting, and arguments, just to name a few.
You will find support here, folks will share their life, and share what they are doing to regain control of their lives.
Your husband is an adult, it is not YOUR job to protect him 24/7. You will drive yourself crazy if you continue that dialogue in your head, His actions, his consequences, he is supposed to be providing for and protecting you, that is his role in this marriage. Partners work together to attain a level of comfort and security, he currently is not holding up his end of the equation.
Time to start addressing your life needs, you certainly are worthy of an invested life partner, Give yourself permission to explore options that will enrich your life.
Sorry to say His addiction , currently renders him unavailable as a life partner. Take care of yourself, and hope to read more of your posts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sorry for what has brought you here, but glad you found us. It’s also good you are looking into al-anon. Please educate yourself on alcoholism, addict behavior, codependency, and enabling.
No one wants to think of their relationship as being abusive especially when physical violence has not occurred YET but verbal abuse is just as bad. Being drunk is never an excuse for unacceptable behavior. The woman I know who say, he’s drunk, he doesn’t really mean it, he’s a great guy when he’s not drinking are living in denial and have become just as sick as the alcoholic.
I hope you stick around.
No one wants to think of their relationship as being abusive especially when physical violence has not occurred YET but verbal abuse is just as bad. Being drunk is never an excuse for unacceptable behavior. The woman I know who say, he’s drunk, he doesn’t really mean it, he’s a great guy when he’s not drinking are living in denial and have become just as sick as the alcoholic.
I hope you stick around.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by DreRams 
YES YES YES! This is totally what I needed. People, tell me what I don't want to hear! I know in my heart that this crap is bonkers and totally unhealthy. Thank you all so much! Sometimes I just need a kick in the butt to start taking care of business!
it doesnt read like a very good marriage but one heckuva caretaker situation. with him having a nurse/mother more than a wife, is there really reason for him to change?
i hope ya dont think al anon will help ya learn how to change him- its not intended to "improve our situation" type things.
but can/will improve YOUR situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Castro Valley, CA
Posts: 8
I know I'm not the first person to say this, but I feel like there is hope for our marriage. Which is primarily the reason that I'm looking into Al Anon and checking out this site.
Last night was the first time that I told him NO when he asked me to buy him booze. Like I just said "too bad man, I'm not getting you s**t". It was wildly difficult but I felt so liberated. Like I stood up for myself, but he was pissed off at me.
Obviously there is a long road ahead of us and I have no idea where we will end up, but I know that I'm open to whatever comes.
Thank you all for your responses, I feel like it's really what I need right now.
Last night was the first time that I told him NO when he asked me to buy him booze. Like I just said "too bad man, I'm not getting you s**t". It was wildly difficult but I felt so liberated. Like I stood up for myself, but he was pissed off at me.
Obviously there is a long road ahead of us and I have no idea where we will end up, but I know that I'm open to whatever comes.
Thank you all for your responses, I feel like it's really what I need right now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
DreRams….just so that you know...alanon puts the focus on you....and it is to help you.....
It is not about getting him to be sober....or, to change him.....
You have already been trying that...lol....
The 3 Cs.....
You didn't Cause it; You can't Cure it; and you can't Control it
It is not about getting him to be sober....or, to change him.....
You have already been trying that...lol....
The 3 Cs.....
You didn't Cause it; You can't Cure it; and you can't Control it
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Grand Junction, CO
Posts: 14
Hello DreRams!
I know a lot of people have responded and their advice is great. I just wanted to encourage you and say that you are absolutely doing the right thing by being here and wanting to go to Al-Anon.
Fix yourself.... when he is ready, he will fix himself.
I know a lot of people have responded and their advice is great. I just wanted to encourage you and say that you are absolutely doing the right thing by being here and wanting to go to Al-Anon.
Fix yourself.... when he is ready, he will fix himself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Last night was the first time that I told him NO when he asked me to buy him booze. Like I just said "too bad man, I'm not getting you s**t". It was wildly difficult but I felt so liberated. Like I stood up for myself, but he was pissed off at me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by DreRams
It was wildly difficult but I felt so liberated. Like I stood up for myself, but he was pissed off at me.
Obviously there is a long road ahead of us and I have no idea where we will end up, but I know that I'm open to whatever comes.
Obviously there is a long road ahead of us and I have no idea where we will end up, but I know that I'm open to whatever comes.
Not easy but you are on the right path and good for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
We all know that Hollow feeling you speak of. We continue to give, give, give, and they continue to take, take, take. One day we wake up and realize we are empty. We are in a one sided relationship, and we are the only ones committed to saving our situation.
No one has a crystal ball here, we cannot assure you that your spouse will embrace a recovery program, and I certainly am not trying to discourage you, but here is the thing about hope, sometimes it clouds observation. Of course we all want to live happily ever after, we truly want our marriage to prevail, we want to be able to say yes we survived the storm, As long as he is actively drinking that hope you are referencing would be better served on yourself.
Paying attention to his actions and not his words will give you a good indication of your current reality, he may wake up tomorrow and promise you the moon but if he doesn’t take the necessary action, his words remain meaningless.
Peace.
No one has a crystal ball here, we cannot assure you that your spouse will embrace a recovery program, and I certainly am not trying to discourage you, but here is the thing about hope, sometimes it clouds observation. Of course we all want to live happily ever after, we truly want our marriage to prevail, we want to be able to say yes we survived the storm, As long as he is actively drinking that hope you are referencing would be better served on yourself.
Paying attention to his actions and not his words will give you a good indication of your current reality, he may wake up tomorrow and promise you the moon but if he doesn’t take the necessary action, his words remain meaningless.
Peace.
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