alwayscovering

^^^^^^ Think of it as back pay for all the months he didn't pay much or at all and for all the money you lost babysitting him

velma929

I was married almost twenty five years. My AH developed lung cancer and owing to the location of the tumor, he died suddenly a couple months after his diagnosis.

That saved me from faking happiness through a 25th anniversary party, or having to tell my family why we weren't having one.

I loved the man I married. That man stated disappearing years before he died.

hearthealth

I stayed married. He's sober but personality hasn't changed to the man that truely makes me happy. He might have brief glimpses but only brief. I question myself frequently if I should have stayed. I think I get sad that I could have left and chose not. My H showed change until I stopped the divorce. Then he went back to almost the same way it was. What do you want out of life? You may not get that out of him. Has he really changed?

trailmix

I think in this kind of situation it's a good idea to take a step back and really look at it.

With the moocher (that I mentioned earlier, not an alcoholic btw), I noticed a pattern when he moved away once, that I hadn't really seen before.

He would go to live with someone (mooch) and would start right in helping, digging out weeds, helping clear out something, build something all in! Then it would abruptly stop when he decided (I guess) that he had made his point of "look how helpful I am and how I am contributing".

In my case, during one of the projects he started working somewhere and just let the "project" go. The frame was up and it came loose and I ended up having to haul that frame over to the side of the yard, where it still sits today (although I have dismantled it). I said at the time - oh that frame was coming apart in the wind so I moved it blah blah blah. Very little reaction, maybe an "oh". Never spoke of it again.

Sounds like your BF has a little more stamina and is in this for the long haul until the lock is off his vehicle.

So it seems to me that maybe, it isn't just the alcohol in your situation. Regardless of his motivation for becoming Farmer Bill temporarily, it shows a big personality problem (for lack of a better term).

Do you want to be hooked up with someone who can put out a great effort temporarily for their own devices. Whether that's to stay where they are (underpaying!), keeping the SO temporarily happy or for whatever his motivation is. Or do you want someone of good character?

You have a gut feeling that he is just making a deposit in the "good guy" bank for the future. Don't ignore that, you are probably right.

curiouskarma

Thanks for all the responses so far, it can be hard to hear the truth but it is sinking in slowly....

So ....just trying to figure out how to tell him . I still care about him and part of me thinks that if I wait for the drinking to get bad again, maybe he'll see that and take some steps toward recovery if I leave him then. I know that sounds sort of insane.

I don't want him to think I abandoned him "for no reason"... I'm sure in his own head he really does think he deserves a medal for doing things any decent human should do.

On the other hand, no the alcohol can't be the only problem, but I don't know how to put to words exactly what is. He was supposed to pay half the rent this month, but when he paid he was $160 short.... same day he went to get a $150 tattoo. I mean $160 isn't the end of the world, it won't make or break me.... I just feel disrespected. Like... it wasn't even discussed or acknowledged. No "hey is it okay if I pay a bit less this month so I can go get this tattoo." It's like I'm not even here.... but no alcohol involved this time. Is it dry drunk behavior? Or indicative of some deeper underlying respect issue? Or is there some universe where this is normal??

Still driving myself insane over here lol....taking full responsibility for that....

trailmix

I'm sure in his universe it is quite normal. He agreed to pay half the rent, he decides he wants a tattoo instead so he just shorts the rent. Seems reasonable if you are entirely and completely self centered. I imagine if you ask him he could quack out a fine response. Wouldn't make any sense except to him.

Dry drunk behaviour? Alcoholics are notoriously self-centered. When we talk about recovery it's about addressing all those issues that landed a person in to taking a drug to cure what they struggle with (in a nutshell). He may have quit drinking but he is surely not in recovery.

You know, so listen to yourself, you are correct. While I wouldn't say it's "insane", you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. That last bit. Cannot control it.

The only way to get peace with this is to let go of attempts at control.

curiouskarma

Thanks Trailmix. Good to know it probably isn't personal... it actually makes me feel a bit better to think that it makes sense in his head, rather than being intentionally meant to disrespect me. Hell, I want a new tattoo; I wish I could just short my living expenses to pay for something fun for myself.
I feel like there's not even any point in talking to him about it. I'm sick of trying to have a logical conversation with someone who has a complete nonsense answer to everything...drunk or not.
I really need to rip the bandaid off but even the little bit of extra help, helps a lot....
I know, I'm starting to sound like a broken record...thanks for reading... lol

SmallButMighty

Drunk, dry drunk or sober... that is some horrendous behavior. He had an obligation and a responsibility.. he shirked that for a 100% personal indulgence...that is disrespectful, irresponsible and immature... that doesn't sound like great mate material to me under any circumstances.

EllieJ

My A owed me a few thousand when he decided he just NEEDED to buy a motorcycle. A really fancy one too. That was what was going to make him happy - so he could feel free. He had a grand plan worked out to pay off the bike and me. He did technically make plenty of money and maybe he would have been able to pay everything off fine if he could manage money appropriately at all. I felt totally disrespected too - it was flat out irresponsible. At the time I wrote it off as just impulsive and irresponsible, but now I see it's exactly as trailmix said, he was self-centered. In his world he had all these excuses as to why he deserved to buy that ridiculous luxury item - but if he was thinking about anyone else but himself he would have payed me back first and he would have saved money up to create some stability against some unexpected bill coming up (because those definitely came up I was left stressed trying to help him figure out how he was going to pay for things).

Living with an A is chaos. They are unreliable. I think you have plenty of reasons to leave if that's what you want to do. If he can't see the reasons, that's not your responsibility to show him them. He'll either figure it out and get himself together, or he won't. Unfortunately you won't have any control over it.

AnvilheadII

if you pay your RENT short, what does your landlord say or do? especially if you come up with the "excuse" that you used the money THAT YOU HAD on a tattoo?

let the silly boy go be a silly boy somewhere else.

curiouskarma

So so true.... come to think of it he's had several heated arguments over the years with family and close friends who always call him "an immature kid" ... silly me thought they were just upset and attacking his age because they're all older, but now I see they were seeing a side of them he was still successfully keeping hidden from me.

Really, now I'm stuck because if I give his money back and tell him he needs to go I'LL be stuck with unpaid bills... rent will be covered but there are utilities that won't... so I feel I've got to put up with babysitting an adult for another month so I can meet my responsibilities....

dandylion

curiouskarma…..why give the money back?....I am sure that the money is only a drop in the bucket to the rent and utilities, etc. that he has used for free over the time.

I'll bet that you anticipate that he will say that he "Needs" the money to leave...… I'll bet he will.
He will play on your sympathy and make you feel guilty...and, like you are breaking up the relationship.....

I would give him notice NOW....so that he can be out in 30 days. Trust me...even though they cry like little babies when the gig is up....they always...always...go on living, and find a place to lay their head and some way to get what they want or need.....
If you disappeared from the face of the earth, tomorrow...he would go on....

Look at it this way...if you have lived with a selfish alcoholic for this long...you can take another month (as long as you are not being abused, of course)….

curiouskarma

Thanks dandylion....
I just talked to him about it, I got an initial temper tantrum and then the explanation, "I was planning to give the rest to you on the first, why are you making a big deal out of this??" I feel like I'm being manipulated... probably am... I know I shouldn't be having to explain the concepts of respect and responsibility to a grown man, but here I just was doing it again....and then he acts like he "gets it" and turns the charming on.... and I to some degree buy it(!)
I at least got it out there that as long as he stays he needs to pay half of everything, and that if any craziness happens again he has to leave, no notice.... ( he has a friend nearby he could stay with when it comes to it)
Oh and he can't go to AA because he's "different" than the hundreds of thousands or so of people who've had success with it.
I feel insane...thanks for listening

dandylion

curiousKarma…..remember the link to the 100 articles that I gave you. on my other post..? Well...here is one of them that I think would be good for you to read, right now.....
I think it is a pretty good yardstick...….with which to gage where an alcoholic is....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

Sasha1972

I read somewhere that there are people who think that their wants are actually needs ("I want a new tattoo = I NEED a new tattoo and therefore I SHOULD GET ONE, because getting what I want is essential to the universe and if I don't get what I want the earth will stop turning and songbirds will fall from the sky").

There are also people who believe their needs are really just wants ("I don't NEED to be respected or treated well, it's just something that would be nice if it happened but if it doesn't, it's not a big deal. It's not like it matters a whole lot").

Problems arise when the first sort of person ends up in a relationship with the second sort of person - not right away, but when the second sort of person starts to figure things out and starts to think wait a minute, this is not an acceptable way to live ...

I've been there and done that, and it sounds like you have too.

curiouskarma

Thank you Dandylion! I checked out the article, and surprisingly only two out of that list seem to apply to him lol.

I also talked to my counselor, and she reassured me that I would be well within my right to give the ultimatum that he needs to get some form of help, whether it's AA or something else, or I'm going to walk away. Especially since I'm going to Al Anon and working with a counselor myself.
Kind of in the same sense that I'm raising my standards in terms of him helping out equally with bills, I have just as much of a right to set the standard that he needs to be in some form of a program because his problem does affect me.
So we'll see how that goes...the current pattern seems to be that I raise a standard, he throws an initial temper tantrum, and then comes around and steps up. Either this will go the same way, or if not I at least have support and am feeling gradually more and more prepared to leave the relationship if need be.

honeypig

Sasha, this is right on the money--this is our little dab of truth for the day, right here! Thanks for the perceptive post.