How do I prepare for this?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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How do I prepare for this?
Hello everyone, I haven't posted in quite a while, per usual, lol...just checking in occasionally to see how you all are.
I am experiencing my first co-parenting panic and I could use some help.
In a nutshell things have been going great day to day for the kids and I- ex is still the same person...our divorce is yet to be finalized, just comes down to the ppwk- he changes his mind so often I'll just let it ride until trial if it so happens that way.
Current issue:
He has a girlfriend now and is "IN love" and all twitter pated ...While I am smitten he is off my back now with this new distraction...he has asked me in person twice what I thought about him telling the kids and them meeting. I gave him a hard NO (details: we aren't legally divorced, they have been talking for 2 months TOPS, he has already met her kids, our kids are PETRIFIED one of us is going to marry someone else, they have not come to terms with us divorcing yet etc etc)
Last night in true fashion he text attacks me late at night again mentions he wants her to meet them. I tell him they are not ready and his reply was when will they be ready- I say that I do not know that and that is up to them but I will tell you right now they aren't ready. It was a long, self centered text monologue at me, where finally he basically says he's telling kids either way.
My son, especially will be devastated and the younger two will be confused and it will warp their sense of love/relationships I can just see it. There is nothing that I can really do. I wish I had full custody.
I have so many thoughts I can't even get them down right now.
He has resumed drinking to some extent as he showed up to tell me about her last week after drinking and fishing and smoking all evening.
I thought that was some closure happening on us but now it has become an issue I didn't see coming!
I am experiencing my first co-parenting panic and I could use some help.
In a nutshell things have been going great day to day for the kids and I- ex is still the same person...our divorce is yet to be finalized, just comes down to the ppwk- he changes his mind so often I'll just let it ride until trial if it so happens that way.
Current issue:
He has a girlfriend now and is "IN love" and all twitter pated ...While I am smitten he is off my back now with this new distraction...he has asked me in person twice what I thought about him telling the kids and them meeting. I gave him a hard NO (details: we aren't legally divorced, they have been talking for 2 months TOPS, he has already met her kids, our kids are PETRIFIED one of us is going to marry someone else, they have not come to terms with us divorcing yet etc etc)
Last night in true fashion he text attacks me late at night again mentions he wants her to meet them. I tell him they are not ready and his reply was when will they be ready- I say that I do not know that and that is up to them but I will tell you right now they aren't ready. It was a long, self centered text monologue at me, where finally he basically says he's telling kids either way.
My son, especially will be devastated and the younger two will be confused and it will warp their sense of love/relationships I can just see it. There is nothing that I can really do. I wish I had full custody.
I have so many thoughts I can't even get them down right now.
He has resumed drinking to some extent as he showed up to tell me about her last week after drinking and fishing and smoking all evening.
I thought that was some closure happening on us but now it has become an issue I didn't see coming!
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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During my divorce we sought the counsel of a neutral third party who could give us their thoughts on issues like this. My kids were babies at the time but my now-husband did something similar.
I think in his case he finally aligned on divorced for a year and in a relationship for six months. We wound up taking longer than that and am glad we did. His kids needed time to process the divorce and I am sure our own relationship would have been compromised had we done it sooner. As it was, it seemed like the kids immediately jumped to "when will you get married" when we told them we were dating - a function of age and not really understanding the whole courting thing and yearning for the familiar familial unit they knew.
The co-parenting stuff is so hard. Best advice I can give you is to admit that you may not have an unbiased opinion and ask your ex "who do you think would be best equipped to help us determine how to navigate this in the kids' best interests?" My ex was typically open to a 3rd party being involved, because he had a tendency to assume they would side with him.
I think in his case he finally aligned on divorced for a year and in a relationship for six months. We wound up taking longer than that and am glad we did. His kids needed time to process the divorce and I am sure our own relationship would have been compromised had we done it sooner. As it was, it seemed like the kids immediately jumped to "when will you get married" when we told them we were dating - a function of age and not really understanding the whole courting thing and yearning for the familiar familial unit they knew.
The co-parenting stuff is so hard. Best advice I can give you is to admit that you may not have an unbiased opinion and ask your ex "who do you think would be best equipped to help us determine how to navigate this in the kids' best interests?" My ex was typically open to a 3rd party being involved, because he had a tendency to assume they would side with him.
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Thank you, I will look into something like that, or tell him to visit his therapist? He is a difficult individual and hard headed insistent he "will read a book and get advice that way and tell kids if advice says so"
This is way too much cart before the horse as we have much bigger issues to deal with besides this one lol...Like getting legally divorced for one. haha. It's just unreal to me I'm dealing with this now of all things.
Middle school b.s. is what it is.
This is way too much cart before the horse as we have much bigger issues to deal with besides this one lol...Like getting legally divorced for one. haha. It's just unreal to me I'm dealing with this now of all things.
Middle school b.s. is what it is.
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I have never understood this whether there was substance abuse or not. Why would you want to introduce your children to someone so soon? AH and I were dating nearly a year before I met his son. (He was sober and had been for years when we met) He told me the reason he asked me if I wanted to meet him is because he had decided to propose. He wanted to make sure we would work out first. (I also have to wonder if this would have happened this way if he wasn't sober)
Prior to him I had met other single fathers that wanted me to meet their kids right away and one guy wanted our first date to be with his kids. No no and no. I would not want a child to get attached to me and then I go away.
Prior to him I had met other single fathers that wanted me to meet their kids right away and one guy wanted our first date to be with his kids. No no and no. I would not want a child to get attached to me and then I go away.
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This all reminds me of the saying, "Codies mourn, addicts replace."
He is seeking the instant gratification of a new normal where everyone is fine with whatever he wants and whatever he wants is in everyone's best interests. Magical thinking on display.
I don't think you will be able to prevent him from doing whatever he is going to do, so it will be super important for you to be present and available with your kids as they are forced through this, offering support, love and honesty.
He is seeking the instant gratification of a new normal where everyone is fine with whatever he wants and whatever he wants is in everyone's best interests. Magical thinking on display.
I don't think you will be able to prevent him from doing whatever he is going to do, so it will be super important for you to be present and available with your kids as they are forced through this, offering support, love and honesty.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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I have never understood this whether there was substance abuse or not. Why would you want to introduce your children to someone so soon?
This, 2 months is nothing and he needs to have his kids best interest at heart. If nothing else at least should wait until the divorce is final but it also makes a lot more sense to not introduce a new love interest until much later in the relationship. Now I realize he is still an active addict so he likely has little sense but what happens after he breaks up with this one, finds another one and the cycle continues. especially as an active addict this is a likely scenario. I did not meet my step kids until we had been together for over a year and even then, after they had moved out of state, they had a very difficult time with it. I was supposed to meet them on a Disney trip and ended up not going because they were so upset. I finally met them 3 months after that.
I think I would stay firm on not letting him introduce them. Ultimately that will also be in his best interest. If he forces her on them now it is very unlikely that they are wanting to be around her. They need to deal with the trauma of divorce. He can do what he wants but needs to leave the kids out of it. I don't know if there is some sort of legal action that can be taken for that or maybe do a joint counseling session. Maybe he will take someone else word for it?
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I am sure him being an active alcoholic makes it very hard. You are absolutely right that he is being selfish.
This, 2 months is nothing and he needs to have his kids best interest at heart. If nothing else at least should wait until the divorce is final but it also makes a lot more sense to not introduce a new love interest until much later in the relationship. Now I realize he is still an active addict so he likely has little sense but what happens after he breaks up with this one, finds another one and the cycle continues. especially as an active addict this is a likely scenario. I did not meet my step kids until we had been together for over a year and even then, after they had moved out of state, they had a very difficult time with it. I was supposed to meet them on a Disney trip and ended up not going because they were so upset. I finally met them 3 months after that.
I think I would stay firm on not letting him introduce them. Ultimately that will also be in his best interest. If he forces her on them now it is very unlikely that they are wanting to be around her. They need to deal with the trauma of divorce. He can do what he wants but needs to leave the kids out of it. I don't know if there is some sort of legal action that can be taken for that or maybe do a joint counseling session. Maybe he will take someone else word for it?
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I am sure him being an active alcoholic makes it very hard. You are absolutely right that he is being selfish.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
This all reminds me of the saying, "Codies mourn, addicts replace."
He is seeking the instant gratification of a new normal where everyone is fine with whatever he wants and whatever he wants is in everyone's best interests. Magical thinking on display.
I don't think you will be able to prevent him from doing whatever he is going to do, so it will be super important for you to be present and available with your kids as they are forced through this, offering support, love and honesty.
He is seeking the instant gratification of a new normal where everyone is fine with whatever he wants and whatever he wants is in everyone's best interests. Magical thinking on display.
I don't think you will be able to prevent him from doing whatever he is going to do, so it will be super important for you to be present and available with your kids as they are forced through this, offering support, love and honesty.
I will continue to do so. It pains me to know they will suffer emotionally (because I know they will, this is a fear of theirs right now- that we are going to "marry someone new") I hate that I have to deal with the aftermath. But I'd rather it was me as well. My heart and head are in the right place.
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Sad to say, you may not have a choice. My recommendation would be counseling for them. It has been invaluable to my children. It helps them cope with things they don't necessarily have choices about.
In reality, you hope the person you created these children with will put them first. In all likelihood, probably not. Have you met her yourself? I would push for that if possible. Nope, you should not have to do so, but it may help you get a grasp of who you are dealing with.
Sending you many hugs. My XAH jumped right into his relationship/marriage (I mean about a month out of being kicked out of the house). I knew that would happen, so I tried to keep the communication open with my children about it. Again, counseling has been a godsend.
Big hugs.
In reality, you hope the person you created these children with will put them first. In all likelihood, probably not. Have you met her yourself? I would push for that if possible. Nope, you should not have to do so, but it may help you get a grasp of who you are dealing with.
Sending you many hugs. My XAH jumped right into his relationship/marriage (I mean about a month out of being kicked out of the house). I knew that would happen, so I tried to keep the communication open with my children about it. Again, counseling has been a godsend.
Big hugs.
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Great idea on the counseling.
Yes- I do know who she is, we were face book friends and went to school together (eye roll) She's nice, can't say a wrong thing really- except that she has allowed him to meet her two kids, I think he is almost living there..but what do I know. Lol...
Yes- I do know who she is, we were face book friends and went to school together (eye roll) She's nice, can't say a wrong thing really- except that she has allowed him to meet her two kids, I think he is almost living there..but what do I know. Lol...
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I think the kids, esp. the 10 year old, are old enough to observe you (stable, sane, takes care of them, doesn't drink ridiculous amounts), observe their father (none of the above), and note the difference. And that's about all you can hope for - that their observations will help them make sense out of a crappy situation adults have placed them in.
I would say be prepared for their reactions to shift a lot over time. There may be a "honeymoon period" where the new girlfriend is on her best behavior with them and is the most fun person in the world, followed by the realization that she's taking up more of their dad's attention and they don't like that. Or it could be the other way around - fierce resentment at first followed by gradual acceptance (if she sticks around and is an okay person). I think your role is just to be stable, patient and disengaged.
(They may also be wondering if their father is going to replace THEM as quickly as he [apparently] replaced you, especially if the new gf has kids of her own - this may be a time for extra reassurances of your love for them).
I would say be prepared for their reactions to shift a lot over time. There may be a "honeymoon period" where the new girlfriend is on her best behavior with them and is the most fun person in the world, followed by the realization that she's taking up more of their dad's attention and they don't like that. Or it could be the other way around - fierce resentment at first followed by gradual acceptance (if she sticks around and is an okay person). I think your role is just to be stable, patient and disengaged.
(They may also be wondering if their father is going to replace THEM as quickly as he [apparently] replaced you, especially if the new gf has kids of her own - this may be a time for extra reassurances of your love for them).
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I feel for you cos your kids are so young. My exah had a series of relationships after we split up and my lads were introduced to one or two of them. In their case tho they were much older and after the first two and him splitting with them very quickly they used to tease their dad that they'd wait a year or so before meeting another. He has never mentioned it again.
My exah motives were he wanted me to see that there was nothing wrong with him cos a fitter, slimmer model replaced me so I was the issue. It never lasted tho. For that reason I hope you can get him to back off the wanting to play happy families for at least another 6 months.
My exah motives were he wanted me to see that there was nothing wrong with him cos a fitter, slimmer model replaced me so I was the issue. It never lasted tho. For that reason I hope you can get him to back off the wanting to play happy families for at least another 6 months.
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My exah had moved in with his gf, two months after separation ... we were not legally divorced and I had no idea until our children (who were young) came home from an unsupervised visitation for a few hours and told me they met his "friend" and her child. I couldn't imagine moving in with someone after such a short period by myself, let alone with children. And yes, she was someone we knew ... I think the A's take the path of least resistance and stay with familiar people. But ultimately, not my monkey, not my circus. Still sucks to be the responsible one left to deal with their tender hearts. The kids biggest question was why he was living with her and her kid and not with them. That relationship/living situation didn't last and neither did his visitations. I agree with the others that say at least 6 months to introduce someone new. FWIW, I've been divorced for a few years .. dating someone for awhile, moving at a snails pace and am in no hurry to have him be doing activities with the kids. Hugs to you
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Originally Posted by Gm0824
My exah had moved in with his gf, two months after separation ... we were not legally divorced and I had no idea until our children (who were young) came home from an unsupervised visitation for a few hours and told me they met his "friend" and her child. I couldn't imagine moving in with someone after such a short period by myself, let alone with children. And yes, she was someone we knew ... I think the A's take the path of least resistance and stay with familiar people. But ultimately, not my monkey, not my circus. Still sucks to be the responsible one left to deal with their tender hearts. The kids biggest question was why he was living with her and her kid and not with them. That relationship/living situation didn't last and neither did his visitations. I agree with the others that say at least 6 months to introduce someone new. FWIW, I've been divorced for a few years .. dating someone for awhile, moving at a snails pace and am in no hurry to have him be doing activities with the kids. Hugs to you
I am in no hurry to get back into a relationship. Been lonely for years, and 8 months into this divorce... I have just recently gone on two dates (one good, one not so good lol) but that was for me alone and nobody except my adult friends knew about it. And really I am just trying to get out and meet new people to see that there are GOOD men out there and to exercise my stunted social skills. Ugh.
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1kwords....you reminded me of something.....wayyyy back in the day in AA there was a buddy of mine (male) and he felt much like you.....socially stunted but also not trying to find his future bride any time soon. i offered to go on a practice date with him.....not like i was a dating coach, and also not like we were role playing and my name was Vixana or anything, just him a man person going out to dinner with a friendly female person.
it was a nice moment. i was hardly an expert at dating myself, but i knew how to conduct myself at a restaurant and hold a conversation. (don't throw food on floor OR across the table!!! lol).
you gave me a new appreciation for some of the folks here that talk about testing the dating waters again, when i want to scream NOOOOO, don't get in the water, you need more TIIIIIME. so thank you for sharing your story.
it was a nice moment. i was hardly an expert at dating myself, but i knew how to conduct myself at a restaurant and hold a conversation. (don't throw food on floor OR across the table!!! lol).
you gave me a new appreciation for some of the folks here that talk about testing the dating waters again, when i want to scream NOOOOO, don't get in the water, you need more TIIIIIME. so thank you for sharing your story.
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I also solved the stunted social situation problem by going out with a male friend. I got to dress up and have a fun evening with no worries abut what will happen after cos he went home. I don't have to worry about where it is going, or my kids cos they already know him and it's not going anywhere. It's a totally stress free dating experience.
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Kid has experienced strange words and behavior from his alcoholic father, in active addiction, dry drunk and early recovery cycles.
We've learned to not give it more attention. "Okay, that was strange." Acknowledgement. Moving on with the day. Going out for ice cream. Maybe having dessert before dinner.
Prayer. Seeking guidance from domestic abuse help centers. Alateen. Alanon. Art therapy to let deeper feelings have a voice. Kids get to see a growing support system from people who are experienced with dealing with addiction in families. This has had a natural ebb and flow develop.
Expect miracles to show up, in many ways. As I see them happen in small, beautiful ways, my trust builds in being walked through the bigger issues.
We've learned to not give it more attention. "Okay, that was strange." Acknowledgement. Moving on with the day. Going out for ice cream. Maybe having dessert before dinner.
Prayer. Seeking guidance from domestic abuse help centers. Alateen. Alanon. Art therapy to let deeper feelings have a voice. Kids get to see a growing support system from people who are experienced with dealing with addiction in families. This has had a natural ebb and flow develop.
Expect miracles to show up, in many ways. As I see them happen in small, beautiful ways, my trust builds in being walked through the bigger issues.
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Do active alcoholics really go on and have successful relationships/marriages after divorce?
My STBAXH has a "female companion" of some sorts. It's hard to image him continuing a long term relationship with her or anyone being the way he is.
My STBAXH has a "female companion" of some sorts. It's hard to image him continuing a long term relationship with her or anyone being the way he is.
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Originally Posted by mamabear26
Do active alcoholics really go on and have successful relationships/marriages after divorce?
My STBAXH has a "female companion" of some sorts. It's hard to image him continuing a long term relationship with her or anyone being the way he is.
My STBAXH has a "female companion" of some sorts. It's hard to image him continuing a long term relationship with her or anyone being the way he is.
Relationships? Yes
Resoundingly successful and long-lasting ones? Well...depends on how codie the next person is I suppose?
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