My heart is heavy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 12
My heart is heavy
I posted yesterday. ABF just hit 30 days sober. Turned into an ass. We had some small talk last night and I felt better but was leaving without the usual morning quick goodbye peck routine. Which of course, I automatically think he is mad at me again. I am NOT sleeping and have complete loss of appetite. I am a nurse and really need my rest to be safe and effective. Luckily today I am off work. There is an Al-Anon meeting, and I am making phone calls to find a counselor today on my day off. Plan to spend some time with my horses and maybe help my spirits. I know there is no timeline for his recovery. I am anxious this is who I would he spending the rest of my life with. So NOT the man I fell in love with. He was sober when we met, and had been sober a while. Lord give me strength. No ring but I have committed for better or for worse in my heart. My mind is saying something else.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Ernurse
Sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Based on my extensive experience with XAH in early recovery (he relapsed many times after being sober for 7-8 years, I have met him sober), addicts in early recovery are worse than active addiction. The only thing that helped me is letting go of him, his addiction, or any outcome of his recovery.
Please focus on yourself, your horses, your work. Nothing you can do to help him - he has to go through it on his own.
Hugs
Sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Based on my extensive experience with XAH in early recovery (he relapsed many times after being sober for 7-8 years, I have met him sober), addicts in early recovery are worse than active addiction. The only thing that helped me is letting go of him, his addiction, or any outcome of his recovery.
Please focus on yourself, your horses, your work. Nothing you can do to help him - he has to go through it on his own.
Hugs
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ErNurse…...Welcome! Good moves to begin attending alanon and getting a personal counselor.
There is soo much to know. Knowledge is power.
I am giving you the link to our library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. There are more than 100....enough for you to read and digest one every single day....lol. I hope that you will give yourself the support of taking advantage of this opportunity.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also, if you would like to understand the effects of alcohol in the brain...you might appreciate reading "The Alcoholic Brain"...by Michael Kuhar…(you can get a much cheaper, used one on amazon.com)…..It has the latest research.
(If you work in the ER...then this will help you to have a more in-depth understanding to the patients.
LOL...you are going to need to detach yourself from him and his issues...so, you will have a lot more time to read and study and l earn.....
A couple of questions for you to think about....
I see that he prefers NA over AA.....I am wondering if there hasn't been drug usage in addition to alcohol..?
You mention 5 yrs. sobriety/clean....can you absolutely document that this is true....that there was TOTAL abstainence all along.
I have worked a lot with alcoholics, over the years...and m in my experience, unless the person has been diligently working a program with a sponsor, doing all the steps, etc.....they will tend to maximize their sober/clean time, when relating their history....especially, to someone who did not, previously know them...Sort of like "fish stories"......A two foot Bass becomes a three foot bass.....lol....
As, in the ER, you may have notices that alcoholics and drug addicts will take a lot of editorial license...…
You mentioned that you two broke up....then, he started drinking...Is that accurate, or, am I confused on the details...? Could there be more issues than alcoholism, in the history of the relationship?
ERnurse….I have been on the forum for a long time....(several thousand posts)….and I am famous for saying that I think that there should be a "law" that the alcoholic and the loved ones should live separate for the first year of early sobriety.....like, the alcoholic living in seclusion in the mountains of Nepal...to give time for everyone to focus on their respective issues....
That first year can be soo difficult that I believe that this would be merciful for all involved...lol...…
Getting through each 24hrs. can be a struggle for the newly sober. There is a war going on, in their head...24/7...between their self and the "alcoholic voice".....even when they look normal on the outside.
Yes, it is typical for the newly sober to be irritable, detached, angry, confused, depressed, or any combination of the above. It takes a long time for the neurotransmitters in the brain to return to a more normal function...
It is also typical for an emotional "war" to be going on inside the head of the significant other....24/7.....
That is why the loved one needs as much support as the alcoholic.....
There is soo much to know. Knowledge is power.
I am giving you the link to our library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. There are more than 100....enough for you to read and digest one every single day....lol. I hope that you will give yourself the support of taking advantage of this opportunity.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also, if you would like to understand the effects of alcohol in the brain...you might appreciate reading "The Alcoholic Brain"...by Michael Kuhar…(you can get a much cheaper, used one on amazon.com)…..It has the latest research.
(If you work in the ER...then this will help you to have a more in-depth understanding to the patients.
LOL...you are going to need to detach yourself from him and his issues...so, you will have a lot more time to read and study and l earn.....
A couple of questions for you to think about....
I see that he prefers NA over AA.....I am wondering if there hasn't been drug usage in addition to alcohol..?
You mention 5 yrs. sobriety/clean....can you absolutely document that this is true....that there was TOTAL abstainence all along.
I have worked a lot with alcoholics, over the years...and m in my experience, unless the person has been diligently working a program with a sponsor, doing all the steps, etc.....they will tend to maximize their sober/clean time, when relating their history....especially, to someone who did not, previously know them...Sort of like "fish stories"......A two foot Bass becomes a three foot bass.....lol....
As, in the ER, you may have notices that alcoholics and drug addicts will take a lot of editorial license...…
You mentioned that you two broke up....then, he started drinking...Is that accurate, or, am I confused on the details...? Could there be more issues than alcoholism, in the history of the relationship?
ERnurse….I have been on the forum for a long time....(several thousand posts)….and I am famous for saying that I think that there should be a "law" that the alcoholic and the loved ones should live separate for the first year of early sobriety.....like, the alcoholic living in seclusion in the mountains of Nepal...to give time for everyone to focus on their respective issues....
That first year can be soo difficult that I believe that this would be merciful for all involved...lol...…
Getting through each 24hrs. can be a struggle for the newly sober. There is a war going on, in their head...24/7...between their self and the "alcoholic voice".....even when they look normal on the outside.
Yes, it is typical for the newly sober to be irritable, detached, angry, confused, depressed, or any combination of the above. It takes a long time for the neurotransmitters in the brain to return to a more normal function...
It is also typical for an emotional "war" to be going on inside the head of the significant other....24/7.....
That is why the loved one needs as much support as the alcoholic.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
addicts in early recovery are worse than active addiction
This is very true. My RAH went to rehab for 90 days and things got a lot worse initially. Had he come home after 30 days i'm pretty sure I would've bailed a lot sooner. He is 1.75 years sober and has been doing well and is still going to a lot of meetings. he has changed a lot but I think too much damage was done.
The big difference between you and me is that I never knew my H sober and our relationship was basically dysfunctional from the beginning (he the A and me the codie). I think once he got sober and improved his ways and I worked on my issues it just was completely different. he is not a bad person at all but I think I hit my rock bottom when I confronted him that last time and I just could not get past that. Too much resentment and just lost that loving feeling a long time ago just was not really aware of it until he went to rehab and I started to work on myself.
Like PP said, there is nothing you can do to help him. You have zero control over him or his feeling or his sobriety. Best to step back (as hard as that is) and work on yourself and take care of yourself. 30 days is really nothing, a drop in the bucket and changes are going to take time. It may work out, it may not. BUt it is going to take time before you will know that. If he is really serious about his recovery and working a program, doing therapy etc he will likely improve. If he is not really serious about it he more than likely wont change much. It is hard to accept that you cannot control any of that. Best to give him space to work on himself. He needs to be selfish right now and make recovery his priority. If you try to force things now it will likely just back fire.
Definitely get counseling for yourself. That whole having your moods depend on how he acts or what he says is very much a codependent issue (story of my life). I would not have done well without counseling. You're in health care (as am I ) and a lot of people in healthcare tend to be codependent (wanting to help and take care of people, what better place than the health care field to do that). Counseling has really helped me deal with my issues that got me involved with my A in the first place. I am by no means cured but have come a long ways.
Go do something nice for yourself, massage, horse ride whatever. Also, even though I am a HCP, I did not know how much I really did not know about addiction. We don't really learn about that as much as we should. Educate yourself on addiction, it will hopefully help you work through this better
Hang in there and keep coming back here for support. I wish I would have found this place a long time ago.
This is very true. My RAH went to rehab for 90 days and things got a lot worse initially. Had he come home after 30 days i'm pretty sure I would've bailed a lot sooner. He is 1.75 years sober and has been doing well and is still going to a lot of meetings. he has changed a lot but I think too much damage was done.
The big difference between you and me is that I never knew my H sober and our relationship was basically dysfunctional from the beginning (he the A and me the codie). I think once he got sober and improved his ways and I worked on my issues it just was completely different. he is not a bad person at all but I think I hit my rock bottom when I confronted him that last time and I just could not get past that. Too much resentment and just lost that loving feeling a long time ago just was not really aware of it until he went to rehab and I started to work on myself.
Like PP said, there is nothing you can do to help him. You have zero control over him or his feeling or his sobriety. Best to step back (as hard as that is) and work on yourself and take care of yourself. 30 days is really nothing, a drop in the bucket and changes are going to take time. It may work out, it may not. BUt it is going to take time before you will know that. If he is really serious about his recovery and working a program, doing therapy etc he will likely improve. If he is not really serious about it he more than likely wont change much. It is hard to accept that you cannot control any of that. Best to give him space to work on himself. He needs to be selfish right now and make recovery his priority. If you try to force things now it will likely just back fire.
Definitely get counseling for yourself. That whole having your moods depend on how he acts or what he says is very much a codependent issue (story of my life). I would not have done well without counseling. You're in health care (as am I ) and a lot of people in healthcare tend to be codependent (wanting to help and take care of people, what better place than the health care field to do that). Counseling has really helped me deal with my issues that got me involved with my A in the first place. I am by no means cured but have come a long ways.
Go do something nice for yourself, massage, horse ride whatever. Also, even though I am a HCP, I did not know how much I really did not know about addiction. We don't really learn about that as much as we should. Educate yourself on addiction, it will hopefully help you work through this better
Hang in there and keep coming back here for support. I wish I would have found this place a long time ago.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Yes, it is frequently the case that alcoholics are worse in early recovery than when they drank. A good deal of fear and anger pops up, especially if they don't have a program. There's a saying: you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber.....meaning you can't return to the person you were before the serious drinking started. Alanon, therapy, horse riding sound like excellent forms of self care. Big hug.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Ernurse 
No ring but I have committed for better or for worse in my heart.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
What can you do other than distance yourself emotionally? You can continue to be his punching bag for his emotional unravelling (not meant in a derogatory way, he is an alcoholic in early recovery and this appears to be normal for that).
If he had a broken arm and he hit you with it every time it hurt him, would you put up with that? No. At the very least you would defend yourself.
That's what i'm saying you should consider. You can leave yourself completely vulnerable to this person who is emotionally unstable right now or you can A. have some boundaries and B. Distance yourself emotionally.
Why would you let someone beat you up emotionally?
Distancing yourself is not ideal. It does create a wedge where, in a "normal" relationship there wouldn't be one, but at the moment there is nothing normal about this.
If he had a broken arm and he hit you with it every time it hurt him, would you put up with that? No. At the very least you would defend yourself.
That's what i'm saying you should consider. You can leave yourself completely vulnerable to this person who is emotionally unstable right now or you can A. have some boundaries and B. Distance yourself emotionally.
Why would you let someone beat you up emotionally?
Distancing yourself is not ideal. It does create a wedge where, in a "normal" relationship there wouldn't be one, but at the moment there is nothing normal about this.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
No ring but I have committed for better or for worse in my heart. My mind is saying something else.
For me, I learned after 15 years wit h an addict/alcoholic there is my heart, my mind and then there is my gut. I thought I was doing the loving supportive thing by sticking it out. I rationalized six ways till Sunday why I stayed ... even years before we were married. Getting married and having children did not, for one second improve his addiction or stabilize our home life . I don't have any experience with early recovery, mine never sought any type of help. Wish I could go back in time, quiet my heart and mind and trust my tummy sooner. Hugs to you.
For me, I learned after 15 years wit h an addict/alcoholic there is my heart, my mind and then there is my gut. I thought I was doing the loving supportive thing by sticking it out. I rationalized six ways till Sunday why I stayed ... even years before we were married. Getting married and having children did not, for one second improve his addiction or stabilize our home life . I don't have any experience with early recovery, mine never sought any type of help. Wish I could go back in time, quiet my heart and mind and trust my tummy sooner. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by Ernurse
I posted yesterday. ABF just hit 30 days sober. Turned into an ass. We had some small talk last night and I felt better but was leaving without the usual morning quick goodbye peck routine. Which of course, I automatically think he is mad at me again. I am NOT sleeping and have complete loss of appetite. I am a nurse and really need my rest to be safe and effective. Luckily today I am off work. There is an Al-Anon meeting, and I am making phone calls to find a counselor today on my day off. Plan to spend some time with my horses and maybe help my spirits. I know there is no timeline for his recovery. I am anxious this is who I would he spending the rest of my life with. So NOT the man I fell in love with. He was sober when we met, and had been sober a while. Lord give me strength. No ring but I have committed for better or for worse in my heart. My mind is saying something else.
My first instinct is to tell you to just focus on yourself and YOUR needs...you've got to get some sleep! You've got to keep doing things that are helpful and therapeutic like working with your horses. Music is very helpful for me....it takes my mind to better places than the problems. Read a good book. He's either going to stay sober and be good for you or not. You have absolutely no sway of his recovery. He's either going to make it or not. So, just focus on you and your needs...and being an ERnurse is stressful...so it's not like you don't already have stuff to worry about! Hang in there.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Lots of good advice here, ERnurse. Second that distancing yourself when the crazy starts, working a recovery program of your own through Al-Anon, counseling, or whatever else works is the way to go.
He will get better or he won’t. Only time will tell.
Take good care, and a warm welcome to SR.
He will get better or he won’t. Only time will tell.
Take good care, and a warm welcome to SR.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 12
oh my gosh. i cannot believe all the wonderful support and information you all have given me. today is rough, mostly due to my anxiety over some other issues but it all is related. I have been to 2 al-anon meetings and feel they are very therapeutic for me. the mood swings are very difficult to deal with and I seem to take everything personally. i want to fix it. i can't. i have to just step back and work on myself. I am used to fixing everything and it's driving me CRAZY!!!!! It is a huge comfort to hear I am not alone and this situation is not unique. I truly love him but I don't want to be an emotional punching bag either. Frankly with my depression, I can't. After his NA meetings he is actually really almost back to the guy I know. He was very excited I started to go to Al-Anon and wanted to know if I got a sponsor yet and if I spoke, etc. Thanks everyone for your helpful information and advice. It is much appreciated!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Good to hear from you Ms.ER...well hon....ER nursing should come with hazard pay, IMO...*sigh*....there's enough stuff that comes through a typical ER to make anyone depressed/anxious....and then if you've got stress in your personal life....I tend to be a "fixer" too and we both know we just can't fix everything even though we may want to. I've had a hard time letting go of that and still struggle with it on an ongoing basis.
I'm taking it as an encouraging sign that he's happy you are going to AlAnon!!
I'm taking it as an encouraging sign that he's happy you are going to AlAnon!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 12
He chose NA because he feels it is geared more towared the "addiction" issue vs addiction to alcohol. He does not do drugs. I know this for a fact because 1) i would spot it 2) he is drug tested regularly at his job. He did do many, many different kinds of drugs before his children were born, so the narcotic addiction is in his distant past.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ErNurse……..I hope you will co ntinue reading the articles that I recommended and the book...The Addicted Brain"...…
****One can never say that addiction is in the distant past...as in "over it" or "cured"...Or "past that".....
Addiction to anything is a life long condition that has to be managed by living the principles.....it is always lurking in the bushes to make its presence known when/if the person becomes vulnerable enough......
****One can never say that addiction is in the distant past...as in "over it" or "cured"...Or "past that".....
Addiction to anything is a life long condition that has to be managed by living the principles.....it is always lurking in the bushes to make its presence known when/if the person becomes vulnerable enough......
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by Ernurse
He chose NA because he feels it is geared more towared the "addiction" issue vs addiction to alcohol. He does not do drugs. I know this for a fact because 1) i would spot it 2) he is drug tested regularly at his job. He did do many, many different kinds of drugs before his children were born, so the narcotic addiction is in his distant past.
So anyone saying that they are sure their addict isn't drugging because of a clean drug test, know that you may never be 100% certain. I say this because I based some of my life decisions on a clean drug test (and an addict's sworn oath on their granny's grave that they were clean)... and now I really regret it.
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