How do you move on?
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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How do you move on?
A little background:
My dad is an alcoholic. He is what most people would consider normal for an alcoholic. Drinks every night, no license because of his DUIs, etc. My parents divorced 27 years ago and my dad, still to this day, thinks my mom cheated on him and that is why she left. It’s super clear to everyone else that was not the reason she left. Still to this day my mom goes out of her way to hide any involvement with another man, that my mom has pretty much been with for 25 years at this point just to not face the wrath of my dad. As kids we were put in the middle with my mom not wanting us to tell my dad about my moms significant other and my dad asking questions all of the time about it.
Now my situation. My XAH is a binge drinker. He will be sober 9 days out of 10 and then practically drinks himself to a coma the one day. Not many people know he drinks, if they do, they don’t see it as a significant issue, etc. I’ve started hanging with a guy I have been friends with for a while. My XAH knows he exists and knows we were friends when we were married. So he already is throwing out that the reason I left is because of this guy. Well it’s starting to get a bit more serious and I’m terrified of the future. I’m not to this point yet, but I feel like I need to sort this out in my head a bit. I don’t want to be like my mom and lie and hide. I don’t want my kids in the situation I was in. But I’m also afraid of the wrath I will face if at some point I am serious with this guy and want to introduce him to the kids and he knows. I also get self conscious that people will believe XAH since not many people know about his drinking. What have you guys done?? What do you suggest???
My dad is an alcoholic. He is what most people would consider normal for an alcoholic. Drinks every night, no license because of his DUIs, etc. My parents divorced 27 years ago and my dad, still to this day, thinks my mom cheated on him and that is why she left. It’s super clear to everyone else that was not the reason she left. Still to this day my mom goes out of her way to hide any involvement with another man, that my mom has pretty much been with for 25 years at this point just to not face the wrath of my dad. As kids we were put in the middle with my mom not wanting us to tell my dad about my moms significant other and my dad asking questions all of the time about it.
Now my situation. My XAH is a binge drinker. He will be sober 9 days out of 10 and then practically drinks himself to a coma the one day. Not many people know he drinks, if they do, they don’t see it as a significant issue, etc. I’ve started hanging with a guy I have been friends with for a while. My XAH knows he exists and knows we were friends when we were married. So he already is throwing out that the reason I left is because of this guy. Well it’s starting to get a bit more serious and I’m terrified of the future. I’m not to this point yet, but I feel like I need to sort this out in my head a bit. I don’t want to be like my mom and lie and hide. I don’t want my kids in the situation I was in. But I’m also afraid of the wrath I will face if at some point I am serious with this guy and want to introduce him to the kids and he knows. I also get self conscious that people will believe XAH since not many people know about his drinking. What have you guys done?? What do you suggest???
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Who cares what XAH thinks? He can think whatever he wants and you can't control his reactions.
If there is "wrath", hopefully that will just be quacking and you ignore it. If it becomes serious and you feel afraid of him, it could be time to introduce more serious NO CONTACT measures and possibly a restraining order if it gets to that point.
You have a right to live your life. He can develop whatever opinions he wants.
If there is "wrath", hopefully that will just be quacking and you ignore it. If it becomes serious and you feel afraid of him, it could be time to introduce more serious NO CONTACT measures and possibly a restraining order if it gets to that point.
You have a right to live your life. He can develop whatever opinions he wants.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by batchel9 
I don’t want to be like my mom and lie and hide. I don’t want my kids in the situation I was in.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Not intending to sound cruel here, currently it appears you are putting the cart in front of the horse. Are you even officially divorced yet? I would personally wait a minimum of six months before introducing children to someone I was dating , the fact that the divorce hasn’t even happened yet, I would give it a year, as your children will be experiencing new life adjustments, and I hate to sound like Debbie downer here, but let’s be safe in case this is just the rebound guy.
I am sorry your mother choose to hide and live in fear of an ex husband, have you ever asked her why?
I am sorry your mother choose to hide and live in fear of an ex husband, have you ever asked her why?
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Originally Posted by marie1960
Not intending to sound cruel here, currently it appears you are putting the cart in front of the horse. Are you even officially divorced yet? I would personally wait a minimum of six months before introducing children to someone I was dating , the fact that the divorce hasn’t even happened yet, I would give it a year, as your children will be experiencing new life adjustments, and I hate to sound like Debbie downer here, but let’s be safe in case this is just the rebound guy.
I am sorry your mother choose to hide and live in fear of an ex husband, have you ever asked her why?
I am sorry your mother choose to hide and live in fear of an ex husband, have you ever asked her why?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
My concern for you is this, these actions are those who are going from the pan to the fire. I can only suggest you slow down. If this relationship is genuine, taking it slow will only help it to grow and thrive, sometimes even a good relationship can be consumed with all the negative adjustments that come with being recently divorced, and all the bickering back and forth between you and the ex, casts dark shadows, on what should be a new and happy time for you both.
I Just read you reply, and I certainly apologize ,as my words are never meant to offend, wishing you all the best.
I Just read you reply, and I certainly apologize ,as my words are never meant to offend, wishing you all the best.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by batchel9
I didn’t ask for anyone’s opinion on how soon I should move on here. Just asking when I’m ready, how to do so. It’s something that stresses me out given what I had to deal with as a kid. No I haven’t asked her directly I suppose. I think in her mind she was protecting all of us from my dads backlash.
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vatchel...I can understand your concern/fears, especially, given your past experi ences.
Could we ask....what kind of wrath do you expect from your ex husband? Specifically....what do you think he would do...? How much contact do you have with him?....I understand that you have children with him...how young are they? (I divorced my husband when my children were small...one still in diapers...one a year older, and one was 51/2 yrs. old. He would also ask the kids about what I was doing and falsely believed because there "must have been another man"
Every relationship and personality is different....We/I don't have a picture of w hat he is like....although, the word "wrath" carries the message that he can be pretty bad!
I have some suggestions, but, don't know enough to make a comment.
I am going to make a guess that you might live in a small town with everyone knowing everyone else, and with a heavy grapevine of gossip? ….with everyone going to the same church and on facebook…..
Am I warm....?...lol...
Could we ask....what kind of wrath do you expect from your ex husband? Specifically....what do you think he would do...? How much contact do you have with him?....I understand that you have children with him...how young are they? (I divorced my husband when my children were small...one still in diapers...one a year older, and one was 51/2 yrs. old. He would also ask the kids about what I was doing and falsely believed because there "must have been another man"
Every relationship and personality is different....We/I don't have a picture of w hat he is like....although, the word "wrath" carries the message that he can be pretty bad!
I have some suggestions, but, don't know enough to make a comment.
I am going to make a guess that you might live in a small town with everyone knowing everyone else, and with a heavy grapevine of gossip? ….with everyone going to the same church and on facebook…..
Am I warm....?...lol...
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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My ex got married 5 months after I left. I waited 3 years to even start dating again. I needed that time to heal and fix my picker, such as it was. I had a lot of my ACoA issues bubble up after I left my ex.
My dad used to rant and rave about the minimal child support he paid my mom. I held off on filing for cs because I was still listening to the scared little girl who wanted to keep everyone from being angry.
That's one example, there are lots of others. I had tons of stuff that I needed to sort out from previous relationships before I was ready for anything new.
By the time I met someone who was worthy of introducing to my kids, my ex's thoughts on the subject weren't even a blip on my radar.
My timeline- slow. First things first. Out with the old; in with the new.
My dad used to rant and rave about the minimal child support he paid my mom. I held off on filing for cs because I was still listening to the scared little girl who wanted to keep everyone from being angry.
That's one example, there are lots of others. I had tons of stuff that I needed to sort out from previous relationships before I was ready for anything new.
By the time I met someone who was worthy of introducing to my kids, my ex's thoughts on the subject weren't even a blip on my radar.
My timeline- slow. First things first. Out with the old; in with the new.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
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"Well it’s starting to get a bit more serious and I’m terrified of the future..."
Terrified because you haven't had a chance to process it all. You have
received some outstanding advice and wisdom on this thread and for
your sake - and even more, your kids sake, I hope you find the time to
really think about what these people have shared with you.
Oh that I could have had such wise guidance years ago.... I could
just cry.....
Terrified because you haven't had a chance to process it all. You have
received some outstanding advice and wisdom on this thread and for
your sake - and even more, your kids sake, I hope you find the time to
really think about what these people have shared with you.
Oh that I could have had such wise guidance years ago.... I could
just cry.....
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Reading your post I think you are future tripping a bit. You are not serious with the guy yet and you might find as time goes by you were not really ready for what you have started up with him. All your fear is cos you aren't ready. Not cos of what people might say. If you were ready you wouldn't care and it would probably be a non issue in the future. So am sorry if I didn't answer the question about how to move on cos I do believe the question needs to be asked are you ready yet? Cos if you were you'd know the answer to how to move on. Never underestimate how long it takes to be ready for another relationship after what you have been through. It's unfair I know. Why should we be the ones stuck on our own with the kids doing all the responsible stuff ? My exah just jump straight in with another woman but he never was a big thinker and it didn't last. I found I needed a solid 3 years of me time. Just me and my kids needed time to re-group without a man in the frame. It gave me time to work on myself and also for things to calm down between me and my ex and his family etc. It also avoided me picking the same type again. Am sorry cos I know it's not what you wanted to hear but I can only speak my own truth. ((hug))
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you are allowed to have a backbone and stand up for yourself.
you would be allowed to say something similar to,"you are allowed to have an opinion even when its insanely inaacurate."
youre also allowed to not engage.
you would be allowed to say something similar to,"you are allowed to have an opinion even when its insanely inaacurate."
youre also allowed to not engage.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Try and talk to your kids about how adults should not be talking to kids about adult things and that if that were to ever happen, they have a right to say “that’s adult and I’m a kid and I don’t want to talk about it”. Sounds like you felt compelled when you were a child to endure the adults in your life and them dragging you into the middle of THEIR stuff. Today teach your kids know it’s ok for them to not participate in that kind of stuff.
As for what your ex might say to people, you can’t control that but you can get your side out there. You said people don’t know about his drinking, so if anyone were to ask why you separated/divorced educate them on the truth, his drinking and his not wanting to stop that drinking and how it was not a pleasant environment for you or your kids.
People meet all the time under all kinds of circumstances and become friends. Sometimes that friendship develops into more as you bond and become closer, sounds like that’s what's happening here. The only way your ex can ruin this relationship for you is if you give him the power to. Your ex can think and say whatever he wants because he’s going to anyway regardless of who is or is not in your life. He’s certainly not going to blame himself or his drinking on the demise of the marriage so he’ll grasp at whatever he can. Don’t play into his drama, cut it off by not responding. Cut it off by educating your kids on it being ok to speak up and say no I don’t want to talk adult things, I’m just a kid.
As for what your ex might say to people, you can’t control that but you can get your side out there. You said people don’t know about his drinking, so if anyone were to ask why you separated/divorced educate them on the truth, his drinking and his not wanting to stop that drinking and how it was not a pleasant environment for you or your kids.
People meet all the time under all kinds of circumstances and become friends. Sometimes that friendship develops into more as you bond and become closer, sounds like that’s what's happening here. The only way your ex can ruin this relationship for you is if you give him the power to. Your ex can think and say whatever he wants because he’s going to anyway regardless of who is or is not in your life. He’s certainly not going to blame himself or his drinking on the demise of the marriage so he’ll grasp at whatever he can. Don’t play into his drama, cut it off by not responding. Cut it off by educating your kids on it being ok to speak up and say no I don’t want to talk adult things, I’m just a kid.
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Location: USA
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Why does your mom still deal with your dad on any level if they are not together? After 27 years of being divorced, if my XAH has any issues with me I will tell him to shove it! I encourage you to do the same!
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who cares what your EX thinks about anything? you don't need to appease him or in any way whatsover make choices and decisions by considering how they MIGHT impact HIM first.
how your mom did it is how your MOM did it.
don't repeat the pattern.
it does sound like you have a lot of muddled mixed up feelings and i have to chime in with others here and say SLOW DOWN. there is no race. and you aren't any good to a new relationship if 88% of you is still tied up in the past....your own and that of your parents!!!
how your mom did it is how your MOM did it.
don't repeat the pattern.
it does sound like you have a lot of muddled mixed up feelings and i have to chime in with others here and say SLOW DOWN. there is no race. and you aren't any good to a new relationship if 88% of you is still tied up in the past....your own and that of your parents!!!
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There only so much info in your post. How long have you been divorced? Maybe I missed that. At any rate....why are you "terrified"? In my mind, if you are secure in the direction your life is going and if your new love interest is a good thing, what would hold you back from moving on? Are you afraid the ex will be violent or use the kids against you or something? Are you worried about what other people will think? Who cares what they think? Who cares what they may or may not know? Don't get sucked into worrying so much about what other people think! Why do I say that? Because when you worry too much about what other people think it hinders you from living the full, authentic life you were meant to live. I'm not saying throw caution to the wind. But, the man is your ex for a reason.
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Begin
Sometimes we just need to BEGIN....put one foot in front of the other....in order to move on...or to START moving on....sure there is going to be some fear whenever you start walking into an area you have not gone before. I don't know if this is the case for you or not. Maybe this is more about fear than moving on. What are you really afraid of. Are you afraid of you and your childrens' safety? If so, that is indeed serious and I understand why you might get into the terrified territory. But if you are not afraid of physical harm....maybe you are afraid of psycho-social harm......? Anyways....sometimes we don't know HOW to move on until we start moving on.....begin the "moment"......too often we spend our time and energy looking over our shoulders more than investing in the actual journey that we are meant to be traveling....now I'm waxing poetic...time to write a new song, I suppose.....haha....seriously, take a listen to this song and see what you think...what is really stopping you from moving on?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vocns3YPR8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vocns3YPR8
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Begin
Begin
The Wailin' Jennys
Hey, maybe the time
Just wasn't right to hang on
When, are you gonna learn
Sometimes things turn instead of turn out
Hey, when are you gonna stand
Stop looking over your shoulder
Me, with a head full of words
And not one useful expression
Hey, let go...
We, with holes in our hearts
Were whole at the start
Our story began
We. film ourselves 'til the end
Try to suspend our lives in the dark
Hey, when are you gonna stand
Stop looking over your shoulder
See, there's a sun in the sky
And a moon that will take us til morning
When are you gonna stand
Stop and begin this moment?
Hey, let go
Let go (will we be the ones to understand?)
Songwriters: Tara Nicole (Nicky) Mehta
The Wailin' Jennys
Hey, maybe the time
Just wasn't right to hang on
When, are you gonna learn
Sometimes things turn instead of turn out
Hey, when are you gonna stand
Stop looking over your shoulder
Me, with a head full of words
And not one useful expression
Hey, let go...
We, with holes in our hearts
Were whole at the start
Our story began
We. film ourselves 'til the end
Try to suspend our lives in the dark
Hey, when are you gonna stand
Stop looking over your shoulder
See, there's a sun in the sky
And a moon that will take us til morning
When are you gonna stand
Stop and begin this moment?
Hey, let go
Let go (will we be the ones to understand?)
Songwriters: Tara Nicole (Nicky) Mehta
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by atalose
Try and talk to your kids about how adults should not be talking to kids about adult things and that if that were to ever happen, they have a right to say “that’s adult and I’m a kid and I don’t want to talk about it”. Sounds like you felt compelled when you were a child to endure the adults in your life and them dragging you into the middle of THEIR stuff. Today teach your kids know it’s ok for them to not participate in that kind of stuff.
As for what your ex might say to people, you can’t control that but you can get your side out there. You said people don’t know about his drinking, so if anyone were to ask why you separated/divorced educate them on the truth, his drinking and his not wanting to stop that drinking and how it was not a pleasant environment for you or your kids.
People meet all the time under all kinds of circumstances and become friends. Sometimes that friendship develops into more as you bond and become closer, sounds like that’s what's happening here. The only way your ex can ruin this relationship for you is if you give him the power to. Your ex can think and say whatever he wants because he’s going to anyway regardless of who is or is not in your life. He’s certainly not going to blame himself or his drinking on the demise of the marriage so he’ll grasp at whatever he can. Don’t play into his drama, cut it off by not responding. Cut it off by educating your kids on it being ok to speak up and say no I don’t want to talk adult things, I’m just a kid.
As for what your ex might say to people, you can’t control that but you can get your side out there. You said people don’t know about his drinking, so if anyone were to ask why you separated/divorced educate them on the truth, his drinking and his not wanting to stop that drinking and how it was not a pleasant environment for you or your kids.
People meet all the time under all kinds of circumstances and become friends. Sometimes that friendship develops into more as you bond and become closer, sounds like that’s what's happening here. The only way your ex can ruin this relationship for you is if you give him the power to. Your ex can think and say whatever he wants because he’s going to anyway regardless of who is or is not in your life. He’s certainly not going to blame himself or his drinking on the demise of the marriage so he’ll grasp at whatever he can. Don’t play into his drama, cut it off by not responding. Cut it off by educating your kids on it being ok to speak up and say no I don’t want to talk adult things, I’m just a kid.
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