thousandwords53

Mama bear, I just wanted to offer you support and hugs. I can’t say anything more than others already have. I appreciate this post and the replies- it’s very relatable I could have written most of it which is helping me recognize some boundaries I’m not enforcing right now. Thank you
You’re doing great #1 rule no doubting your Mom abilities

PuzzledHeart

Have you considered using a coparenting app like AppClose (which is free) or Our Family Wizard (which is definitely NOT free) to handle kid exchanges and communication? These apps are sometimes court-ordered for good reason.

mamabear26

I love the advice I have been given here. Thank you so much for the support...it helps build my confidence that I can overcome this : )

mamabear26

I would definitely want to use a coparenting app but I don't think he will go for it. He has a "I dont like to be told what to do attitude."

Mango212

Lol, step away from his reactions or lack of participation.

You are free to change the course of how you communicate with him. If you use an app and convey to him all communication will now be done through it, that's okay.

Example:
Pray, download. Pray, test it out. Pray, go have some fun. Pray, see where it leads. Pray, allow new, good, changes, connections that God takes care of.

mamabear26

So yesterday we had our first family therapy. I set up appt for kids because I have seen them both struggle regarding this divorce/their dads lack of participation/his alcoholism. The therapist was really nice. She got a little info on all four of us such as age, hobbies, school kids attend etc. She asked why we were there in short I told her kids are having some what of a difficult time. My younger son waking up from nightmares every week and him having a panic attack about a month ago. My older son seems to sometimes withdrawal from the world and will not speak or express any emotions. I also told her about their dad alcoholism. She asked him if he ever has tried to seek help for his problem? He said no. She asked how long has this been going on? He said for awhile. I answered since he was a teenager. She asked him how much he drinks? He said "quite a bit." She had kids step out of the room. She could tell that our communication was not good. I told her he is constantly calling me drunk and verbally attacking me because he is mad for whatever reason for that day. She suggested maybe taking co-parenting class. I told her I would be willing. His response "Ill do it for the kids but not to work things out with her." *I don't think he understands the concept of "co-parenting" which is not "marriage counseling."* I let her know how difficult it has been with his lack of participation and constant alcohol addiction. She asked if I communicate with his parents. I said no because they enable his drinking and continue to allow him to do whatever he wants in their home. He told therapist "Im not going to even respond to what she said." Basically, there are no words to defend himself because what I stated is true. Therapist said the kids could probably sense the tense between us so it is possible they could be showing signs of stress. She said we both need to get on the same page.

My thoughts are that there is no possible way for us to get on the same page when he is always drunk. She did suggest however, supervised visits if he is continuing to abuse alcohol. He looked uncomfortable with that statement. I suggested SoberLink to the therapist but I told her that he said he would fight me on it if I requested that. He stayed silent. Our situation is not the normal divorce scenario with two mature people going their separate ways. He is unreasonable, unstable and immature. I told her in front of him that I will not continue being verbal attacked. He sat their in silence.

She would like to continue seeing kids but would prefer to talk to them separately. I try my best to make things as best as possible for my boys but I cant do anything about the communication between me and their dad. I have accepted that their is no way communication will be stable while he continues to drink. I am glad however, he admitted to someone else that he does have a problem and that he is doing absolutely nothing about it. We have another appointment in August.

AnvilheadII

i think it is terrific that the kids now have some non-biased, therapeutic support. i hope their appointments are not also way out in august.

you have also done well as you now have documented professional reporting of the state of things.

remember in family therapy, the therapist cannot take sides. she must be equally there for all of you, unless there is an indication of actual abuse by one of the parties.

i am so sorry your boys are exhibiting such signs of stress. i hope you can get them involved in some fun summer activities....camps, kayaking, boy scouts, whatever.

mamabear26

Yes, I am glad that there has been documentation of certain things. I know she cant take sides but its obviously not as easy and she would put it. I feel so bad because I am taking 2 college summer classes and Ive been super busy. I haven't really had time to plan a lot of activities with the boys. I try to squeeze in activities on the weekends. Im trying to work hard to graduate, get a good job so that I am not financial dependent on X anymore.

Sasha1972

I think that it is great that you recognized this game for what it is. "Your choice", "It's up to you", "Do what you think is best and I will do the same" and are useful tools for remain disengaged despite efforts to get your attention and get you involved.

mamabear26

Its a step in the right direction for me in learning how to distance myself from him and to disengage. I'm tired of being a punching bag for him. I keep telling myself *Don't let him into your life anymore* … I repeat it to myself constantly.

hopeful4

I agree that the counseling should be for the kids, separately. You have to come to terms with that you cannot change him, or the things he thinks or does. Take your kids to counseling to make them as strong as possible to handle the damage their father's behavior will do to them. That stinks, but it's the reality. There is nothing more painful than seeing your children hurt from crappy addict behavior. However, there is a lot of joy of seeing them become strong, capable, non-codependent people as they grow. I promise.

Sending you huge hugs and saying all of this very gently because I know it's painful and stressful.

mamabear26

Yes, I agree I would like to focus the therapy on just the kids but I do believe she needs to know the background as far as their father's alcoholism and how we are not "co-parenting." I told her I'm doing ALL the parenting while he "visits" with them. I am completely fine with that. I have been doing the parenting for most of their lives anyways. I just hope my boys don't have to do too much recovery from what they are going through during their childhood.

I have found this new found strength within me. I feel so much better not having phone conversations with him.

Seren

Simple, straightforward, drama-minimizing...excellent!! Now mamabear needs to take care of mamabear

mamabear26

Yes, I'm trying my hardest to do what I need to do for myself and kids only. No more codependent.