Me, Myself, and Who?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 8
Me, Myself, and Who?
Haven't posted in a while, but to sum it up: I have been dating an alcoholic for over three years and have just started going to Al-anon this past year. I don't have anything to do with my boyfriend's recovery aside from taking him to meetings, work, and appointments (since he can't drive). He has been sober for almost 90 days. I set my boundaries when he came home from rehab this last time and told him his recovery was in his own hands and that I would be understanding that getting and staying sober would always be his top priority. He has been doing well. However, I recognized that I tend to get pouty and a little bitter when I fill my day with things that NEED done and that I HAVE to get get done, and watch as my boyfriend works, eats, sleeps, and relaxes and reads books at his leisure. I get pouty and bitter because: 1. I'm not getting and affection, attention, or gratitude and 2. I want to have time to expand my mind, and paint, and do all of the things I want to accomplish in a day. My problem is that I can't seem to come to terms with having no help when it comes to housework, when at the same time I'm fighting with myself because I should just be happy he's sober and working 40 hrs a week. I also can't seem to figure out how I'm supposed to do laundry, dishes, dinner, gym, work, housekeeping, and acting as a chauffeur, and still set aside time to read, study, and paint (things that would make me more whole as a person). Because, lord knows, if I don't do them, then who will? Is it wrong to expect some help from a recovering alcoholic? I find myself overwhelmed and sick with anxiety most days. Any advice would be deeply appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 539
I think it is fair to expect him to be picking up his share for sure! He needs to taking care of himself like an adult. If he were single, he would be doing all of this for himself. Why don't you sit down and have a normal conversation about dividing the household chores. He is not made of glass. Taking responsibility for himself should be part of his recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Grand Junction, CO
Posts: 14
Hi KRM,
I am sure you already know that you have to take time for you in order to give fully to another. I am proud of you for setting boundaries with him.
You still should have a conversation with him about what is going on with you. If you don't, you will eventually implode.... and... Implosions are messy.
Adulting is hard work, but he needs to Adult much harder than he is. And you need to relax much more than you are.
Hugs!
I am sure you already know that you have to take time for you in order to give fully to another. I am proud of you for setting boundaries with him.
You still should have a conversation with him about what is going on with you. If you don't, you will eventually implode.... and... Implosions are messy.
Adulting is hard work, but he needs to Adult much harder than he is. And you need to relax much more than you are.
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
What we allow is what will continue..
Understanding his recovery is HIS priority and you are supporting him to the best of your ability, but what in the world does that have to do with helping with everyday living necessities? Did he help with daily chores prior to rehab?
You too are healing , and you have every right to take some time for yourself. I can only suggest a heart to heart and express your valid needs and concerns.
Here you are being his personal chauffeur, certainly he can help do some dishes, cleaning and laundry. I can see how resentment is setting in. What if you were not present in his day to day living, he would be forced to take care of himself,, that is what we do as adults, we address our own needs.
Feel free to keep venting it helps,
Understanding his recovery is HIS priority and you are supporting him to the best of your ability, but what in the world does that have to do with helping with everyday living necessities? Did he help with daily chores prior to rehab?
You too are healing , and you have every right to take some time for yourself. I can only suggest a heart to heart and express your valid needs and concerns.
Here you are being his personal chauffeur, certainly he can help do some dishes, cleaning and laundry. I can see how resentment is setting in. What if you were not present in his day to day living, he would be forced to take care of himself,, that is what we do as adults, we address our own needs.
Feel free to keep venting it helps,
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
KRM...….at one time, my husband and I owned an Oxford House....that is a nationally known sober living house...with multiple sites over the nation. You can check out their website....
We did not run it...we just rented it to the organization. I had close contact with the director, though.
Here is the point---the men who lived there were getting used to living in the real world without alcohol. Each person in the house had responsibilities for helping to run the house. The recovering alcoholics did everything! From the paperwork and paying the bills, the outside lawn maintainance, all repairs, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc....there was NO outside help.
All while attending AA meetings....lots of them.....and working full time jobs. Many of them had families and children. The average stay was 6months to 18months.
There was no coddling of anyone....as they were learning to be responsible adults.....some for the first time, ever!
I see that your boyfriend's alcoholism began at 17yrs. of age...and, he is now, 33yrs. of age. He has probably been arrested in his growing up years....this is very common. Part of maintaining recovery includes a lot of "growing up" in that respect. No relying on mothers and girlfriends....lol.
Most significant others come to believe that if the alcoholic would just stop drinking....that all of their dreams for the relationship would come true.
The loved one dreams of the day when the alcoholic will be sorry for all the pain that they caused and be loving and attentive and do everything in their power to make up for the past.
It comes as a shock when this does not happen. That recovery is way...way more than just putting down the bottle.....
You are going to need as much support and work on your own personal development as the boyfriend does. Living with an alcoholic does a job on everyone....whether they actually realize it or not.....
Both partners will need to make changes if the relationship is to work out. And...realize that the relationship will not be like the one they embarked on, in the beginning....
Alcohol changes the relationship...and, removing the alcohol changes the relationship....
Lots of change has to take place....
some relationships make it....and, many don't.....
That is just the reality....
We did not run it...we just rented it to the organization. I had close contact with the director, though.
Here is the point---the men who lived there were getting used to living in the real world without alcohol. Each person in the house had responsibilities for helping to run the house. The recovering alcoholics did everything! From the paperwork and paying the bills, the outside lawn maintainance, all repairs, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc....there was NO outside help.
All while attending AA meetings....lots of them.....and working full time jobs. Many of them had families and children. The average stay was 6months to 18months.
There was no coddling of anyone....as they were learning to be responsible adults.....some for the first time, ever!
I see that your boyfriend's alcoholism began at 17yrs. of age...and, he is now, 33yrs. of age. He has probably been arrested in his growing up years....this is very common. Part of maintaining recovery includes a lot of "growing up" in that respect. No relying on mothers and girlfriends....lol.
Most significant others come to believe that if the alcoholic would just stop drinking....that all of their dreams for the relationship would come true.
The loved one dreams of the day when the alcoholic will be sorry for all the pain that they caused and be loving and attentive and do everything in their power to make up for the past.
It comes as a shock when this does not happen. That recovery is way...way more than just putting down the bottle.....
You are going to need as much support and work on your own personal development as the boyfriend does. Living with an alcoholic does a job on everyone....whether they actually realize it or not.....
Both partners will need to make changes if the relationship is to work out. And...realize that the relationship will not be like the one they embarked on, in the beginning....
Alcohol changes the relationship...and, removing the alcohol changes the relationship....
Lots of change has to take place....
some relationships make it....and, many don't.....
That is just the reality....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
AH always felt that since I was the wife, it was my job to do all the housework n his job was grass, outside work n garbage. I remember so vividly that he'd forget the trash on Thursday night, yell at me for not helping with yard work and sit in the garage and drink our life away.
It was getting so hard to keep up since becoming employed by the state as a Correctional Officer working 2-10. Then I had a major blow out of my right foot that required a plate in my arch and 7 screws to fix. Fast forward a year later and my other foot is going on another blow out and I'm looking at another surgery of the same magnitude.
I just want to ask you this? Does he drink and eat off of plates n glasses? He should help wash them. Does he wear clothes and soil them? He should help wash, dry, fold n put them away. Does he poop in the toilet n shave his face in the sink? He should help scrub them.
Again, I work in a Max 5 prison with the worst of the worst and those guys are required to clean the blocks. They have to scrub 16 showers on each pod block. Scrub day room floors after sweeping them. Wipe tables, phones and handrails 2xs a day. They are responsible for all the laundry. They are cooking food for 800 employees and 2100 other inmates daily. They are required to fix the prison plumbing while under supervision and keep the walks tidy 365 days a year. My point is that just because they are behind bars, they have responsibilities to keep the institution running.
Your boyfriend should help you. I felt that my AH should have helped me more where I was falling behind but he took offense to it. It's called being responsible for daily living. He's not your child. He's a man. A very capable man.
It was getting so hard to keep up since becoming employed by the state as a Correctional Officer working 2-10. Then I had a major blow out of my right foot that required a plate in my arch and 7 screws to fix. Fast forward a year later and my other foot is going on another blow out and I'm looking at another surgery of the same magnitude.
I just want to ask you this? Does he drink and eat off of plates n glasses? He should help wash them. Does he wear clothes and soil them? He should help wash, dry, fold n put them away. Does he poop in the toilet n shave his face in the sink? He should help scrub them.
Again, I work in a Max 5 prison with the worst of the worst and those guys are required to clean the blocks. They have to scrub 16 showers on each pod block. Scrub day room floors after sweeping them. Wipe tables, phones and handrails 2xs a day. They are responsible for all the laundry. They are cooking food for 800 employees and 2100 other inmates daily. They are required to fix the prison plumbing while under supervision and keep the walks tidy 365 days a year. My point is that just because they are behind bars, they have responsibilities to keep the institution running.
Your boyfriend should help you. I felt that my AH should have helped me more where I was falling behind but he took offense to it. It's called being responsible for daily living. He's not your child. He's a man. A very capable man.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Not only should he help you - really he should help HIMSELF.
He is not some fragile puppy, he is a grown man and needs to step up and take on those responsibilities.
I have been in both kinds of relationships. One where I did the bulk of the work and one where it was pretty much equally shared.
Honestly, not having ALL the responsibility for the house etc is a huge burden lifted. It also has a big affect on the relationship. It truly helps to make partners equal. When one person is doing the bulk of the caring for the household the dynamic shifts to a caregiving role almost.
I think it's a tough one to shift but not impossible.
Recovery or not, you need to talk to him about it I think. He's a grown up, he can take it, no more eggshells.
He is not some fragile puppy, he is a grown man and needs to step up and take on those responsibilities.
I have been in both kinds of relationships. One where I did the bulk of the work and one where it was pretty much equally shared.
Honestly, not having ALL the responsibility for the house etc is a huge burden lifted. It also has a big affect on the relationship. It truly helps to make partners equal. When one person is doing the bulk of the caring for the household the dynamic shifts to a caregiving role almost.
I think it's a tough one to shift but not impossible.
Recovery or not, you need to talk to him about it I think. He's a grown up, he can take it, no more eggshells.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz 
Your boyfriend should help you. I felt that my AH should have helped me more where I was falling behind but he took offense to it. It's called being responsible for daily living. He's not your child. He's a man. A very capable man.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
KRM......it sure sounds like he has the King Baby syndrome....and has an issue with immaturity.....
On the other side of this issue is your issue of feeling guilt for asking for what you legitimately need or deserve....Perhaps low self esteem....? Allowing yourself to take second place...or being taken advantage enough?
After all...it is not wrong to ask for what you need.....In a healthy relationship, each person should feel free enough to express their needs to the other....and, at least discuss it, and try to work it out.....
He should care as much about your feelings and making you happy as you are about his.....
Perhaps, this is one of the changes that needs to be made in the relationship...that I was talking about it the first post that I made to you....
On the other side of this issue is your issue of feeling guilt for asking for what you legitimately need or deserve....Perhaps low self esteem....? Allowing yourself to take second place...or being taken advantage enough?
After all...it is not wrong to ask for what you need.....In a healthy relationship, each person should feel free enough to express their needs to the other....and, at least discuss it, and try to work it out.....
He should care as much about your feelings and making you happy as you are about his.....
Perhaps, this is one of the changes that needs to be made in the relationship...that I was talking about it the first post that I made to you....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"However, he gets very defensive and offended whenever I ask things of him and then gives me a line like "You make me feel like nothing I do is ever good enough"
You have every right to want some help around the house and no reason to feel guilty for wanting it. As other posters suggested, it's time for a discussion about household chores. How can things be more fairly shared? Maybe think ahead of some ideas and sit down with him and ask for suggestions from him. It has nothing to do with anyone "doing it right" - just about being more fair. Being fair is closely related to being respectful of someone. It's difficult to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you - sober or drunk.
You have every right to want some help around the house and no reason to feel guilty for wanting it. As other posters suggested, it's time for a discussion about household chores. How can things be more fairly shared? Maybe think ahead of some ideas and sit down with him and ask for suggestions from him. It has nothing to do with anyone "doing it right" - just about being more fair. Being fair is closely related to being respectful of someone. It's difficult to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you - sober or drunk.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
My problem is that I can't seem to come to terms with having no help when it comes to housework, when at the same time I'm fighting with myself because I should just be happy he's sober and working 40 hrs a week.
I see this type of statement on here a lot. Why should you "just be happy he's sober?" That reduces the alcoholic still to just their alcoholism and you as an adjunct to that ride.
I don't think your "problem" is that you can't come to terms with having no help with housework. I think you should trust your feelings. It sounds like an unfair situation.
Have you broken it down with him? Are there specific ways you can divide the labor so that you also have free time? Men often mistake the requests of women to do their share as just that: "a request" instead of, hey yo, this is just the reality of adult responsibility. Fair distribution of labor in a relationship let's everyone have time to read a book or paint.
Many men who get sober on their own have to do laundry and grocery shop and cook and clean, so those things don't interfere with sobriety. And many men in relationships with women were raised in a way or just haven't developed the consiousness to see that all the things they are NOT doing around the house are still GETTING done by.....not them! And how is that mature or fair???
Try an open honest conversation. And if that doesn't go well maybe talk to a counselor and get some perspective or new tools. Yes we celebrate and support our A loved ones recovery. But part of them recovering is meeting life on life's terms, softening the blows of reality (housework!!) is enabling.
Good luck, not easy, but your peace of mind and freedom to be your best self should not be hampered by cleaning up after a grown man (drunk or sober) or doing his laundry!!
Peace,
B
I see this type of statement on here a lot. Why should you "just be happy he's sober?" That reduces the alcoholic still to just their alcoholism and you as an adjunct to that ride.
I don't think your "problem" is that you can't come to terms with having no help with housework. I think you should trust your feelings. It sounds like an unfair situation.
Have you broken it down with him? Are there specific ways you can divide the labor so that you also have free time? Men often mistake the requests of women to do their share as just that: "a request" instead of, hey yo, this is just the reality of adult responsibility. Fair distribution of labor in a relationship let's everyone have time to read a book or paint.
Many men who get sober on their own have to do laundry and grocery shop and cook and clean, so those things don't interfere with sobriety. And many men in relationships with women were raised in a way or just haven't developed the consiousness to see that all the things they are NOT doing around the house are still GETTING done by.....not them! And how is that mature or fair???
Try an open honest conversation. And if that doesn't go well maybe talk to a counselor and get some perspective or new tools. Yes we celebrate and support our A loved ones recovery. But part of them recovering is meeting life on life's terms, softening the blows of reality (housework!!) is enabling.
Good luck, not easy, but your peace of mind and freedom to be your best self should not be hampered by cleaning up after a grown man (drunk or sober) or doing his laundry!!
Peace,
B
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