clarity888

I went to a family support group last night; my AH is about a week into sobriety. A counselor told me I have to tell our 7 year old about his dad's alcohol problem. I guess I never thought I would have to explain that at my son at his age. Things are tense in the household right now, I am wanting some space even if only sporadically. Thus, I am wondering if I go about explaining it to my son alone, or do I involve the AH (who doesn't know what the counselor said about disclosing to son). Or, maybe I should get a child counselor involved...the only problem with that is how hard it can be getting in to see one quickly. I feel stupid asking these questions, but I really want to do this the right way, what are your experiences?

Katiekate

Maybe ask the counselor who suggested you tell him if he could recommend someone or help you to understand the best way to proceed.

fml23

I’m not a counselor or any kind of expert, but I have a 7 year old with my STBXAH. I haven’t really involved a professional counselor for her (not opposed at all, just another thing on the list of to dos). Last summer when a crisis led her dad to detox and rehab and we moved out of our family home, I took a very concise, direct approach, and waited for her to ask questions. I said something to the effect of, ‘do you notice how our house feels icky sometimes? That Mommy and Daddy argue or will be tired? We had to move to an apartment to take a time out so we can make our space healthy again. That’s because Daddy has a kind of sickness that caused him to drink too much beer and wine. And the sickness makes him act not like the person we love. And we’re gonna keep loving him, but not be around him while he gets help with that.’ She hardly responded at first. She held everything in. But over the last months she reflects on things and asks questions. I think you should follow your gut, decide your explanation, and say what feels genuine. Kids like direct and simple answers that are not an attack on their parents. I would stick with ‘disease’ ‘sickness’ or ‘problem’ do he knows it’s not his Dad being a BAD person. I can’t speak to your AH choice to have the conversation or not. My STBXAH did tell my daughter openly he had a drinking problem. I think getting it out in the open and giving a name to the tension helps. The details are not so important... they will ask if you make the topic open.

fml23

Last thing... I know my DD was a bit square of ‘catching’ his sickness or the sickness killing him. I had to explain that these sicknesses are the kind that change your thinking and choices but are not contagious.

clarity888

I love how you approached it. Your situation is exactly like mine (or how I imagine it could go, depending on how things progress). What you said was loving and truthful and did not bash him. And bashing is something I never want to do; I am upset, but had a parent who bashed the other so I know how bad that is. How did your daughter handle leaving the family home (I hope you don't mind me asking)? The thought of leaving all the friends and familiarity my son has breaks my heart. There are some places closeby where we could probably maintain those relationships, but affording one will take some time...

AnvilheadII

i wouldn't expect a week sober person to be much of a guiding influence on the child. 7 year old don't need ALL the details, or print outs from WebMD. they mostly need to know that altho the other parent is unwell, they have one parent who is there for them ALWAYS.

as FML said, the information was shared with the child. but it took time for the child to digest what they could and finally begin to ask questions. it's a process.

if you feel it's best to leave, get space, then do so.

Lizajane

My kids were 8 and 10 when my husband was at his worst stage and needed some real help.I arranged for them to stay with a good friend who had children they were friends with for a few days. I told them that dad, like their grandma, was an alcoholic. He had tried to quit drinking a few times and really wants to stop but he is going to need some help. I told them that I was going to stay with him, get him the help he needed and then bring them back home when dad was sober and feeling a bit better. They had some questions. We talked about alcoholism not making you a bad person, but just something you are born with. I explained that over time, he has become more and more addicted to alcohol. Some people can drink and just stop and others with alcoholism get addicted. I told them that I did not think it was wise to talk to other people outside of the family about it because some people just did not understand that it was a disease and might think their dad was a bad person. If they needed someone besides me to talk about this with, I encouraged them to reach out to family. I had my brother and sister and my brother in law and sister in law each phone the children and let them know they could call them anytime and speak to them in confidence. My daughter was very focused on the conversation, hugged my husband and cried a bit. She told him that she loved him and wanted him to get well. My son hugged dad and said goodbye. He was very excited to stay with his friend for a few days. He did not really digest it all. Kids are now 16 and 18. My son says he cannot remember this conversation. My daughter remembers most of it. Fortunately this was the last time my husband relapsed and he went into a program and has been sober for 8 years.

fml23

Honestly, moving was MUCH harder for me than for her. I was in AGONY. At a time when i wanted to crawl into bed and wallow there was so much to sort out and I felt horrible and lost and ashamed. Like you, I was also worried about hurting my DD's community. One of the things I pride myself on in dealing with my A is that I worked my a** off to create a loving community. Friends, neighbors, family, very engaged with her school. I live in an expensive urban area so rentals are hard to find and harder on a budget and in a specific school boundary. Without the gory details, things hit crisis and I had to leave. I stayed with family for a few days and through sheer force of will found a place a few blocks away. I was a wreck (see my posts from then!!) but my daughter was soooo excited about the apartment! She thought it was awesome to move. What I realized is she knew our household was full of unhappiness. She knew i had her back, and so it worked. I also took a different approach from the previous poster and literally stopped giving a hoot about keeping the struggles private. I told everyone what I wanted when I wanted. I let go of the shame. I cried at work, on my commute, in costco, in the shower, going to the first showing. And miraculously people were actually crazy understanding. They kept loving me and my daughter, inviting us over, and coming to our ****** new apartment. I am so grateful for all the friends who we have who are modeling healthy non alcoholic homes. It saved me.

If you can't leave at this moment, maybe you could just cut yourself a break and commend yourself on going to support groups and posting here. I now have a saying to myself when I feel that awful anxiety (for me its often based on 'omg my DD's life will be tainted!') I say, "I'll know what to do when I know what to do." I think the fact you're on here asking about your son means you KNOW what you guys need to. and I don't mean not to talk about it, but I just was surprised by my own intuition as a mom and how resilient my DD is.

Mango212

My method was completely imperfect and that's okay. It's a journey of recovery for each of us. No one conversation.

Kids already know a lot. They watch, hear, see more than we realize. Praying for guidance and some words helps me a lot.

As long as I'm open to listening, letting secrets out and having a spotlight shine on them, this disease and the symptoms of it become much less scary for kids and me.

clarity888

Oh Anvil, thanks for the laugh about the WebMD printout. Too freakin funny. Liza, fml, & Mango...I have to go absorb everything you said while I walk outside. That's a lot of good information. And crying in Costco....yes...whilst driving...yes....most of all "I'll know what to do when I know what to do." YES. I guess I can forget finding an instruction manual for this one, where page 15 provides an outline of "how to"....I'm such a planner/researcher/weirdo. LOL. Today started horribly but I got to see my son play his first baseball game, and the sunset was beautiful, so I could not help but be happy. It made ME want to play baseball; like Rosie O'Donnell in that baseball movie (which was probably horrible; I was young then).

Sleepyhollo

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...pre-teens.html (Advice on how to discuss Alcoholism with children/pre-teens)

This was a recent thread that is similar to this one, I didn’t feel like typing everything out again lol.
Anyway, my kiddo was 6.5, she (nor anyone else) didn’t know he had a problem. He was just away tried and cranky. He got sent to rehab (because of his job) and since it happened so quickly we weren’t ready to really tell her what was going on.Just that daddy had a booboo in in stomach and needed a special hospital for this. I figured she starts asking questions when we saw him a week later because it looks nothing like a hospital but she never did. So finally just befor xmas (he got out January 6) I discussed with her after I read a couple of books first. I mostly had postponed it because life was pretty busy especially with him gone and I felt like we just needed to wait until we got ouf of town for a few days just the tow of us (had she asked I would’ve told her sooner). I mad dit clear that it was a disease (like I said in the linked post). She would have questions here and there but not as much as I expected. I also told her that she was allowed to talk about it with others if she wanted to. After all, I told my RAH it could no longer be a secret and really for recovery to be successful it has to be out in the open. She has chosen not to discuss it with her friends because “they don’t understand addiction” which is probably very true.
Betty ford has been great, both the intial program and their follow up weekend because it gives her a chances to be around kids like her. Her dad has been clean for coming up on 2 years. If your H is doing rehab I would ask if they have any resources for kids in your area (and if you’re near a Betty Ford program and highly recommend it)
We never had any deep emotional conversations about it because developmentally that’s not where they are at. State facts and let him ask questions but don’t be surprised if he doesn’t have a lot. I think we adults tend to overthink everything a lot and kids that age are still pretty concrete thinkers and much less emotional about everything.

Forward12

I agree with asking your therapist for their opinion on what to do, and perhaps refer them to a therapist themself.
Alcoholism is a "family disease" with an alcoholic, and likely a codependent, causing a whirlwind with innocent children caught in it.

EllieJ

I work in the school system - I know school is out for summer (if you're on the traditional school calendar year), but when school is back in session - if you feel comfortable, your child's school probably has a school social worker and/or psychologist. They won't be able to provide full clinical counseling in the school setting, but you could ask them to check in with your son every once if you're still looking for resources come fall.

Bernadette

From fml23: I think getting it out in the open and giving a name to the tension helps. The details are not so important... they will ask if you make the topic open.

YES to this!
A sentence I used with my boys over and over to get difficult conversations going was "This is hard for me to talk about, but I want to talk to you about it because it's important for you and part of my job as your Mom." And always ending those awkward or sad conversations with "I'm always here to talk and listen, any questions at all, any confusion I can help you with, etc."

This opening salvo has helped me with all the tough conversations, divorcing their father, discussions about sex, discussions about the addiction in our family and the dangers of drugs and alcohol, etc. It actually became a bit of a joke with the three of us, I'd start my spiel and by the time they were 11 and older they would reply "Oh geeeez," and we'd have a laugh and an awesome conversation. We have a genuine deep loving relationship to this day. They knew then and know now that we have each others' backs.

My kids also usually needed a few days and they would ask some often fascinating questions, like not the ones I would have expected!

As a child of an AF I can't encourage you enough to call it what it is. I knew in first grade that there was something wrong in our family (so what's that 5 or 6?) If my Mom had the courage, or any sober adult in my family, to name what the problem in our family really was: alcoholism, and let us know that it wasn't our fault and didn't mean Dad didn't love us or that we couldn't love him.

I mostly wonder if the topic had been more openly discussed instead of my mother acting like something SO shameful was going on we just could not address it and had to lie and pretend and accept her rage and constant controlling and Dad's unpredictable drunkeness, that maybe my 3 bros wouldn't have all become As. I'll never know :-(

Good luck with DS! Keep making the right moves for you and him!
Peace,
B.

Notsodrunk

Kiddo prolly already knows. My 5 y/o asked me why I wasn’t drinking the 2nd week.

I just told her I wasn’t going to drink alcohol anymore and that was the end of it.