Frustration - expert level
Frustration - expert level
Need to hear from those of you who have been through the dirty ugly detail of divorcing an AH. Had to subpoena the company to get accurate information because it was not being provided to us. His attorney tried to force mediation without providing a full and accurate disclosure. We are considered a high conflict/high asset divorce. I will have 2 kids in college in the fall and I am doing what I can to ensure that their schooling remains unaffected. They have come to me worried that their education and future in in the hands of AH "mood swings". In addition to that AH is now obsessed with knowing if my attorney or myself have hired a private investigator. How did you guys mettle through the AH drama, hiding, lying etc. I worry about my kids being forced into depositions and then finding out about all their father has done. I know I can't control or really manage any of it, I honestly just need to know how to make it through. And yes my DD,DS, and myself are in therapy, but we can't live with her
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
How did you guys mettle through the AH drama, hiding, lying etc.
I tried many ways that ultimately didn't work or help.
What has worked: I walked away. I'm still married. I'm in "no contact". One day at a time. Prayer, meditation and enjoying the good in life.
I tried many ways that ultimately didn't work or help.
What has worked: I walked away. I'm still married. I'm in "no contact". One day at a time. Prayer, meditation and enjoying the good in life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
Yup- sounds like my divorce minus the kids. Gone through deposition , mediation - still don't have complete disclosure. Had to get a financial analyst on board. Had to subpoena documents. Have the judge order him to sign releases. It's crazy making. The more I read here the more I wonder if they are all cloned from each other. I am a year and a half into my divorce - almost want to just walk away now.
I haven't been through this exact wringer, but reading your post makes me want to say, Just Slow Down & Breathe.
You already know so much of this is out of your control. You already hired great professionals you trust - legally & therapeutically. (and no, you can't move in with either of them... )
You can focus on breathing through those moments of discomfort - it's the only thing that's going to change the way you feel. 3 deep, slow breaths is enough to reset the fight or flight response & keep you out of panic. You can't prepare for everything because you can't know exactly how everything will unfold. I know it's scary - the uncertainty is far worse than anything, IMO.
But breathing & short 10-min meditations help me stop from going over the edge in my day-to-day.
I also picked up these in the cranberry flavor for short-term use because I didn't want to start taking an anti depressant for a short-term, situational discomfort... they seem to help quite a bit:
https://www.amazon.com/Bach-Rescue-R...001EUCWHO?th=1
You already know so much of this is out of your control. You already hired great professionals you trust - legally & therapeutically. (and no, you can't move in with either of them... )
You can focus on breathing through those moments of discomfort - it's the only thing that's going to change the way you feel. 3 deep, slow breaths is enough to reset the fight or flight response & keep you out of panic. You can't prepare for everything because you can't know exactly how everything will unfold. I know it's scary - the uncertainty is far worse than anything, IMO.
But breathing & short 10-min meditations help me stop from going over the edge in my day-to-day.
I also picked up these in the cranberry flavor for short-term use because I didn't want to start taking an anti depressant for a short-term, situational discomfort... they seem to help quite a bit:
https://www.amazon.com/Bach-Rescue-R...001EUCWHO?th=1
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
Yup- sounds like my divorce minus the kids. Gone through deposition , mediation - still don't have complete disclosure. Had to get a financial analyst on board. Had to subpoena documents. Have the judge order him to sign releases. It's crazy making. The more I read here the more I wonder if they are all cloned from each other. I am a year and a half into my divorce - almost want to just walk away now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. My advice would be to hire the best professionals you can to handle the legal side of things. Educate yourself about what they are doing and why, but don't take it on to do it all yourself.
Do whatever you can to step outside the madness every once in a while. I found it was really important to have friends or activities which can help to put this mess in its proper perspective. It is awful to go through, but it does not define you. It's easy to get sucked into the crazy - the anger, anxiety and high emotions that addicts manifest can be infectious. If you have something to do which completely occupies your mind so that you don't think about this, even just for a few hours, that might help. For me, one of the components of my job is delivering public lectures and when I'm doing that, I am completely "on" and concentrating on what I know I do well, and nothing else. This was really useful during the worst days of the divorce.
Do whatever you can to step outside the madness every once in a while. I found it was really important to have friends or activities which can help to put this mess in its proper perspective. It is awful to go through, but it does not define you. It's easy to get sucked into the crazy - the anger, anxiety and high emotions that addicts manifest can be infectious. If you have something to do which completely occupies your mind so that you don't think about this, even just for a few hours, that might help. For me, one of the components of my job is delivering public lectures and when I'm doing that, I am completely "on" and concentrating on what I know I do well, and nothing else. This was really useful during the worst days of the divorce.
Good morning,
I work at a job where I get a college tuition benefit. My kid is a rising senior, so you are a year ahead of me. I made an excel spreadsheet listing out the general costs of the cheapest school he was looking at over 4 years. I just put in tuition, fees, books, the cost of the dorm and meal plan. I put in weekly mad money, but not parking, phone, health insurance. It is highly possible it will take him 5 years due to CCOP/engineering degree. But I did not put numbers into year 5.
Do you have similar spreadsheets for each of your kids? It will keep you in the fight. It might even help back you up because the dollars are going to be needed...every darn one!
I work at a job where I get a college tuition benefit. My kid is a rising senior, so you are a year ahead of me. I made an excel spreadsheet listing out the general costs of the cheapest school he was looking at over 4 years. I just put in tuition, fees, books, the cost of the dorm and meal plan. I put in weekly mad money, but not parking, phone, health insurance. It is highly possible it will take him 5 years due to CCOP/engineering degree. But I did not put numbers into year 5.
Do you have similar spreadsheets for each of your kids? It will keep you in the fight. It might even help back you up because the dollars are going to be needed...every darn one!
I know it's hard to think in these terms, but your college age children may just learn what he has done. They are old enough, and have a therapist to help them through that if it happens. Deep Breaths.
It really is one step at a time. Don't engage as much as possible, let your attorney handle it. Make sure your own attorney knows what is fact and what is not, and go from there.
Huge hugs.
It really is one step at a time. Don't engage as much as possible, let your attorney handle it. Make sure your own attorney knows what is fact and what is not, and go from there.
Huge hugs.
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