I told him I think I'm done.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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I told him I think I'm done.
You've heard it all before....one spouse quits drinking, he/she is working hard at their recovery program (he is almost 6 months sober) and doing great, paying more attention to the family, doing some work on the marriage blah blah blah.
We've talked a lot these past few months. We talked tonight. He says I keep rehashing the past hurts and issues. He's right, I guess I have been. He quoted a few AA slogans to me that he said helps him. It helps him. It does not help me. In fact, it makes me mad!
He said he has found people and a program that help him, that he can't do anything about the past, he can't fix it for me, so he's learned to move on. And I need to do the same. He does have a lot of hard, hard work to do. So do I. I have 18 years of crap on my plate to work with. He doesn't even remember the past 18 years! He gets to start with a mostly clean plate.
I want to move on. I want to stay married to him. Im 49 years old, I know what real love feels like, and I love him deeply. I also know what real love LOOKS like. It's not waiting around to get the basics of what you need. I realized I keep rehashing the past hurts because I don't think that I can forgive him for those hurts.
I just think there is too much damage, and that is why I can't get past it. I've told him in the past....when I feel I have forgiven you, I will feel healed and we can move forward. But I can't forgive him.
And the big kicker is, its been all about him for 18 years. To stay sober it's all about him still. He can't handle anything deep relationship wise right now because his brain is still muddled. I can see that is true. But, I'm tired of waiting. I don't deserve to have to sit around and wait for what I need from a marriage any longer. Who knows how long it will be before he can give that? I'm sick of the A word and everything it entails, and I'm sick of waiting.
I'm on the fence with this. I'm scared to be on my own with a minimum wage job, when we cant make it with triple that amount of income right now. I can't even work on a regular basis as my bipolar depression can leave me on the couch for weeks. SSI max is $720 a month. My daughter has a crappy apartment in a crappy part of town. Rent is over $1,000 a month.
We have NO extras, only very basic bills, and a 13 year old van that is on its last leg. We've needed new clothes for a while and even garage sales are sometimes too expensive. We never take vacations, we don't do much of anything because we don't have the gas to get there. All over the news you see people who can't afford the ridiculous housing prices here, the huge rise in homeless people etc. Neither of us can handle our special needs 17 year old son alone. It takes 2 of us when hes in meltdown mode (he has changed so much the past 18 months, hes doing great right now!) An almost 6 foot tall, 17 year old boy with Autism and Bipolar is a dangerous mix when change is involved.
When I wanted RAH to leave months ago I called the 211 number and the domestic abuse number. Then I called the many different resource programs that they gave me, housing programs etc. All the housing programs have waiting lists miles long. I swore Id never be stuck like this! And I'm stuck big time. It's not hopeless, I just don't see the light right now. I think Ill go sleep on this and get a fresh start in the morning.
We've talked a lot these past few months. We talked tonight. He says I keep rehashing the past hurts and issues. He's right, I guess I have been. He quoted a few AA slogans to me that he said helps him. It helps him. It does not help me. In fact, it makes me mad!
He said he has found people and a program that help him, that he can't do anything about the past, he can't fix it for me, so he's learned to move on. And I need to do the same. He does have a lot of hard, hard work to do. So do I. I have 18 years of crap on my plate to work with. He doesn't even remember the past 18 years! He gets to start with a mostly clean plate.
I want to move on. I want to stay married to him. Im 49 years old, I know what real love feels like, and I love him deeply. I also know what real love LOOKS like. It's not waiting around to get the basics of what you need. I realized I keep rehashing the past hurts because I don't think that I can forgive him for those hurts.
I just think there is too much damage, and that is why I can't get past it. I've told him in the past....when I feel I have forgiven you, I will feel healed and we can move forward. But I can't forgive him.
And the big kicker is, its been all about him for 18 years. To stay sober it's all about him still. He can't handle anything deep relationship wise right now because his brain is still muddled. I can see that is true. But, I'm tired of waiting. I don't deserve to have to sit around and wait for what I need from a marriage any longer. Who knows how long it will be before he can give that? I'm sick of the A word and everything it entails, and I'm sick of waiting.
I'm on the fence with this. I'm scared to be on my own with a minimum wage job, when we cant make it with triple that amount of income right now. I can't even work on a regular basis as my bipolar depression can leave me on the couch for weeks. SSI max is $720 a month. My daughter has a crappy apartment in a crappy part of town. Rent is over $1,000 a month.
We have NO extras, only very basic bills, and a 13 year old van that is on its last leg. We've needed new clothes for a while and even garage sales are sometimes too expensive. We never take vacations, we don't do much of anything because we don't have the gas to get there. All over the news you see people who can't afford the ridiculous housing prices here, the huge rise in homeless people etc. Neither of us can handle our special needs 17 year old son alone. It takes 2 of us when hes in meltdown mode (he has changed so much the past 18 months, hes doing great right now!) An almost 6 foot tall, 17 year old boy with Autism and Bipolar is a dangerous mix when change is involved.
When I wanted RAH to leave months ago I called the 211 number and the domestic abuse number. Then I called the many different resource programs that they gave me, housing programs etc. All the housing programs have waiting lists miles long. I swore Id never be stuck like this! And I'm stuck big time. It's not hopeless, I just don't see the light right now. I think Ill go sleep on this and get a fresh start in the morning.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Wamama,
I am sorry that you have so much anger and hurt, and it's not unusual that you do under the circumstances. I think this, what you have said here, is very important. And early recovery (which this still is at 6 months) can be just as selfish a period for a recovering alcoholic as when he/she was in active addiction.
What would it take for you to forgive him? In other words, what would it look like for him to do everything right? Now if he did all those "everything right" things, would you be able to forgive him eventually?
That is something only you can answer. If no, then it is not fair to you to have to live with that.
But it is also not fair to him for the past to be brought up to him over and over again for the rest of his life. That said, he really should not complain at 6 months because that is just a drop in the bucket of the 18 years of his drinking career.
Even if you decide to leave your husband, I hope that eventually you will forgive him, because forgiveness is for you, not him. It is so you can let go and move into a beautiful and peaceful future.
Sending light and peace. S
I am sorry that you have so much anger and hurt, and it's not unusual that you do under the circumstances. I think this, what you have said here, is very important. And early recovery (which this still is at 6 months) can be just as selfish a period for a recovering alcoholic as when he/she was in active addiction.
Originally Posted by Wamama48 
...I realized I keep rehashing the past hurts because I don't think that I can forgive him for those hurts.
I just think there is too much damage, and that is why I can't get past it. I've told him in the past....when I feel I have forgiven you, I will feel healed and we can move forward. But I can't forgive him. ...
I just think there is too much damage, and that is why I can't get past it. I've told him in the past....when I feel I have forgiven you, I will feel healed and we can move forward. But I can't forgive him. ...
That is something only you can answer. If no, then it is not fair to you to have to live with that.
But it is also not fair to him for the past to be brought up to him over and over again for the rest of his life. That said, he really should not complain at 6 months because that is just a drop in the bucket of the 18 years of his drinking career.
Even if you decide to leave your husband, I hope that eventually you will forgive him, because forgiveness is for you, not him. It is so you can let go and move into a beautiful and peaceful future.
Sending light and peace. S
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wamama….I am wondering if you have given any more thought to your idea of starting your own business?
It seems like you have the determination and the work ethic to be successful in such an endeavor.....
Also, have you ever thought of applying for one of those donated vehicles?...you know, the ones that are donated to charities...and, then, the vehicles are donated to families with a specific need.....
It seems like you have the determination and the work ethic to be successful in such an endeavor.....
Also, have you ever thought of applying for one of those donated vehicles?...you know, the ones that are donated to charities...and, then, the vehicles are donated to families with a specific need.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wamama…..I do think that, sometimes, there is just too much water under the bridge.
It happens to a lot of marriages. It is not the end of the world.
If that is true...then, recognizing that reality is a good thing, I think. Facing reality is always better than sticking the head in the sand. It can actually freeing to have the truth out in the open.
Overheard---"Stick a fork in me...I'm done."
It happens to a lot of marriages. It is not the end of the world.
If that is true...then, recognizing that reality is a good thing, I think. Facing reality is always better than sticking the head in the sand. It can actually freeing to have the truth out in the open.
Overheard---"Stick a fork in me...I'm done."
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I hope a good night sleep gives you a fresh start for today. It’s very hard to forgive, forgiveness does not come automatically just because the person who hurt us stops drinking/drugging. It takes time to work out all of those emotions. And right now your husband can’t give you what you want, maybe he’ll never be able to give you that “dream love” you seek. Maybe that will come somewhere down the road if you both commit to working on individual issues to eventually working on marriage issues.
I know that most of my own anger ended up being at myself. I was mad that I stayed to long, I was mad about poor decisions I had made for myself and found it easy to blame the pills and him.
I know that most of my own anger ended up being at myself. I was mad that I stayed to long, I was mad about poor decisions I had made for myself and found it easy to blame the pills and him.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I could have written this post. My A is mad because he expected his slate wiped clean n to be honest, it was easier in the beginning and towards the end, the slate board had gouges in it with the chalk embedding itself making it near impossible to wipe clean.
I know you said the waiting list is extremely long. Maybe just not your name down on it and wait it out at home with your son and focus on you 2 and not on his recovery but yours. His b.s. is not your b.s..
I know you said the waiting list is extremely long. Maybe just not your name down on it and wait it out at home with your son and focus on you 2 and not on his recovery but yours. His b.s. is not your b.s..
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I totally get it. My RAH will have been clean for 2 year come September and we are now in the process of divorce. We just had our 16th anniversary. When I confronted him the last time I was ready to walk out. But I felt like I needed to give him ,me and our kid another chance at sobriety. But I just think I was too far gone. He is doing great, no desire to drink, has changed quite a bit for the better. But 10+ years of dealing with this and his lack of presence in our relationship just really takes a toll on the non alcoholic person emotionally. I just kept plugging along because that's what codies do and because we have a kid. I have also had to change a lot and he is just not what I want anymore. And it took me a long time to be really honest with myself about my feelings for him. All my reasons for staying in the marriage were all practical and had nothing to do with him personally so not really good to stay in a marriage like that. I still have resentment I guess and I am not sure I have really truly forgiven myself for having put up with it for so long. So I am not sure I can forgive him if I have not forgiven myself. I am glad he is clean because I can trust him with our kid now and he is present for her. And of course I feel bad because he did what I asked him to and now I just cannot get past it. But for the first time in my life I am really looking at what I need to do for me. I could stick around longer and see but after almost 2 years with no change in how I feel I just don't think there is any use. I am not getting any younger either and I don't want to stick around until my kid graduates from high school (10 years) and then still get divorced and having wasted 10 years of my life. It is scary to be on our own again and luckily I know I will be fine but it is still scary.
I feel like I should get over this because he has done so well but it doesn't take away all those years where I suffered in silence and did not honestly see it at that time. Now I do. If only it was as easy as stopping drinking and moving one. But there is so much more to it and I never understood that until he got clean and I started my own counseling and road to recovery from codependence.
You don't have to make any decisions today but you also do not need to stick around if you are just not happy. And you can take time to work through that still if you need to and figure out what resources are available to help you. Good luck, you are not the only one feeling this way (Although I often do feel that way, most people here split from their SO because they cant stay clean and here my H did get clean and I feel ungrateful.....). My counselor really worked with me on making sure that I felt that I had done everything in my power to try and make this work so that I would not have any regrets when the time came that I was done. I think he knew where I was at from very early on but he challenged me on a lot of stuff so that I would feel like I had done my best to make this work. I also keep telling myself that people that don't have addiction in their marriage get divorced al the time as well because they just stopped loving each other. So I should not feel guilty for having stopped loving my RAH after all the **** I have dealt with over the years.
Are you in counseling? Because I am pretty sure that without it I more than likely would have fallen back into the codependency trap and not had the guts to get out.
I feel like I should get over this because he has done so well but it doesn't take away all those years where I suffered in silence and did not honestly see it at that time. Now I do. If only it was as easy as stopping drinking and moving one. But there is so much more to it and I never understood that until he got clean and I started my own counseling and road to recovery from codependence.
You don't have to make any decisions today but you also do not need to stick around if you are just not happy. And you can take time to work through that still if you need to and figure out what resources are available to help you. Good luck, you are not the only one feeling this way (Although I often do feel that way, most people here split from their SO because they cant stay clean and here my H did get clean and I feel ungrateful.....). My counselor really worked with me on making sure that I felt that I had done everything in my power to try and make this work so that I would not have any regrets when the time came that I was done. I think he knew where I was at from very early on but he challenged me on a lot of stuff so that I would feel like I had done my best to make this work. I also keep telling myself that people that don't have addiction in their marriage get divorced al the time as well because they just stopped loving each other. So I should not feel guilty for having stopped loving my RAH after all the **** I have dealt with over the years.
Are you in counseling? Because I am pretty sure that without it I more than likely would have fallen back into the codependency trap and not had the guts to get out.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
There are a few things at play here it seems. You are unhappy and feeling neglected (probably) and at the end of your tether and you sit down to talk it out and get AA slogans.
So maybe you do and maybe there is a reason for that. If the hurts and issues are not addressed are you "supposed to" just state them and move on? Identifying what would help would probably be key here. When you talk to him about past hurts what do you need? He's probably already apologized. Do you want an explanation, some insight? Remorse?
The key thing here, I think, is that he perhaps shouldn't be telling you how YOU should feel.
He can't fix it for you? Well no, not entirely because your feelings are yours, however if someone has wronged you there is a responsibility there for them to right the wrong, in my opinion. An apology and and i'm doing better doesn't quite cut it perhaps? Going about business as usual and saying I am taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn sober doesn't quite cut it either? He might have to dig deep if he wants to save this marriage.
This is a tough one for sure. So really there are 3 options. Stay and work on the marriage, leave or maybe a third.
Is it possible to exit the relationship and still live together as support for your Son? I assume you Husband would find it a struggle to find independent accommodation and still provide for your Son?
It works for some people, it might not be viable for you however it's something to ponder perhaps.
You know I wish you happiness and i'm sorry you are feeling so stuck.
We've talked a lot these past few months. We talked tonight. He says I keep rehashing the past hurts and issues. He's right, I guess I have been. He quoted a few AA slogans to me that he said helps him. It helps him. It does not help me. In fact, it makes me mad!
he can't do anything about the past, he can't fix it for me, so he's learned to move on. And I need to do the same.
He can't fix it for you? Well no, not entirely because your feelings are yours, however if someone has wronged you there is a responsibility there for them to right the wrong, in my opinion. An apology and and i'm doing better doesn't quite cut it perhaps? Going about business as usual and saying I am taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn sober doesn't quite cut it either? He might have to dig deep if he wants to save this marriage.
I'm on the fence with this. I'm scared to be on my own with a minimum wage job, when we cant make it with triple that amount of income right now.
Is it possible to exit the relationship and still live together as support for your Son? I assume you Husband would find it a struggle to find independent accommodation and still provide for your Son?
It works for some people, it might not be viable for you however it's something to ponder perhaps.
You know I wish you happiness and i'm sorry you are feeling so stuck.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I have days I should leave and days I can't make a move. Mainly financial mainly I don't know what the future holds. But I know what today holds. Could you put yourself on the housing list even if you never choose to use? At least there's an option if it comes up.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
What would it take to forgive him? Knowing he didn't do those things to his family on purpose. I keep hearing how alcohol affects their brains, which makes sense. If I believed this 100%, yes, I can forgive him. But I don't believe that, even after hours of research and reading about it (Pleasure Unwoven is excellent, but still not convinced)
There is just so much hurt. Maybe for some reason I don't want to let it go? Sometimes I get a split second where I feel that, like hanging onto it is a protection? If I forgive him and we move forward, Im vulnerable to him all over again. Something to share with my counselor.
If he did all the right things? Staying sober and continuing work on a program. Continuing being more involved with the kids. Towards me....He has changed in that he now sits and talks with me after the boys go to bed instead of watching tv. He asks how my day was. He notices if I'm upset but is currently too scared to ask why. So there have been good changes.
We talk about all the kids, grandkids, and things that are superficial. Things you would talk about with a workmate you know well. If I start getting into deep stuff he cant handle it. I should be happy for the changes he has made. I should see this as progress, and wait to see more.
Problem is, I'm tired of waiting. That's really the bottom line. When do I get what I need out of this marriage? I'm just a friend right now, I take care of the house, kids, driving etc. If I'm not a wife to him, and he cant connect to me emotionally on a more-than-a-friend level, then why am I here? Waiting until he can? IF he can?
There is just so much hurt. Maybe for some reason I don't want to let it go? Sometimes I get a split second where I feel that, like hanging onto it is a protection? If I forgive him and we move forward, Im vulnerable to him all over again. Something to share with my counselor.
If he did all the right things? Staying sober and continuing work on a program. Continuing being more involved with the kids. Towards me....He has changed in that he now sits and talks with me after the boys go to bed instead of watching tv. He asks how my day was. He notices if I'm upset but is currently too scared to ask why. So there have been good changes.
We talk about all the kids, grandkids, and things that are superficial. Things you would talk about with a workmate you know well. If I start getting into deep stuff he cant handle it. I should be happy for the changes he has made. I should see this as progress, and wait to see more.
Problem is, I'm tired of waiting. That's really the bottom line. When do I get what I need out of this marriage? I'm just a friend right now, I take care of the house, kids, driving etc. If I'm not a wife to him, and he cant connect to me emotionally on a more-than-a-friend level, then why am I here? Waiting until he can? IF he can?
Originally Posted by Seren
Hello Wamama,
I am sorry that you have so much anger and hurt, and it's not unusual that you do under the circumstances. I think this, what you have said here, is very important. And early recovery (which this still is at 6 months) can be just as selfish a period for a recovering alcoholic as when he/she was in active addiction.
What would it take for you to forgive him? In other words, what would it look like for him to do everything right? Now if he did all those "everything right" things, would you be able to forgive him eventually?
That is something only you can answer. If no, then it is not fair to you to have to live with that.
But it is also not fair to him for the past to be brought up to him over and over again for the rest of his life. That said, he really should not complain at 6 months because that is just a drop in the bucket of the 18 years of his drinking career.
Even if you decide to leave your husband, I hope that eventually you will forgive him, because forgiveness is for you, not him. It is so you can let go and move into a beautiful and peaceful future.
Sending light and peace. S
I am sorry that you have so much anger and hurt, and it's not unusual that you do under the circumstances. I think this, what you have said here, is very important. And early recovery (which this still is at 6 months) can be just as selfish a period for a recovering alcoholic as when he/she was in active addiction.
What would it take for you to forgive him? In other words, what would it look like for him to do everything right? Now if he did all those "everything right" things, would you be able to forgive him eventually?
That is something only you can answer. If no, then it is not fair to you to have to live with that.
But it is also not fair to him for the past to be brought up to him over and over again for the rest of his life. That said, he really should not complain at 6 months because that is just a drop in the bucket of the 18 years of his drinking career.
Even if you decide to leave your husband, I hope that eventually you will forgive him, because forgiveness is for you, not him. It is so you can let go and move into a beautiful and peaceful future.
Sending light and peace. S
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Originally Posted by dandylion
Wamama….I am wondering if you have given any more thought to your idea of starting your own business?
It seems like you have the determination and the work ethic to be successful in such an endeavor.....
Also, have you ever thought of applying for one of those donated vehicles?...you know, the ones that are donated to charities...and, then, the vehicles are donated to families with a specific need.....
It seems like you have the determination and the work ethic to be successful in such an endeavor.....
Also, have you ever thought of applying for one of those donated vehicles?...you know, the ones that are donated to charities...and, then, the vehicles are donated to families with a specific need.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Its not a matter of giving me what I want exactly. Its a matter of giving me what I NEED and deserve as his wife. At the 6 month mark, he has made progress in showing attention to me, in ways he never did before. As I said to Seren, its superficial...we talk about things you would discuss with a workmate you knew well.
If I dive into deeper issues, he feels like Im attacking him. I admit I have anger in my voice. I need to fix that. The past hurts I talk about will always make him feel attacked. They will never be things that make him feel good. But I need to talk about them and know he didn't do them on purpose, that he is sorry.
And yes, I have some anger at myself too. Had I not stayed so long it wouldn't have gotten this bad. I'm starting to see the man I fell in love with again. Its nice, and encouraging. I'm just tired of waiting. I shouldn't of had to wait, I shouldn't have to continue to wait. Why am I even here if Im just going to be a friend?
If I dive into deeper issues, he feels like Im attacking him. I admit I have anger in my voice. I need to fix that. The past hurts I talk about will always make him feel attacked. They will never be things that make him feel good. But I need to talk about them and know he didn't do them on purpose, that he is sorry.
And yes, I have some anger at myself too. Had I not stayed so long it wouldn't have gotten this bad. I'm starting to see the man I fell in love with again. Its nice, and encouraging. I'm just tired of waiting. I shouldn't of had to wait, I shouldn't have to continue to wait. Why am I even here if Im just going to be a friend?
Originally Posted by atalose
I hope a good night sleep gives you a fresh start for today. It’s very hard to forgive, forgiveness does not come automatically just because the person who hurt us stops drinking/drugging. It takes time to work out all of those emotions. And right now your husband can’t give you what you want, maybe he’ll never be able to give you that “dream love” you seek. Maybe that will come somewhere down the road if you both commit to working on individual issues to eventually working on marriage issues.
I know that most of my own anger ended up being at myself. I was mad that I stayed to long, I was mad about poor decisions I had made for myself and found it easy to blame the pills and him.
I know that most of my own anger ended up being at myself. I was mad that I stayed to long, I was mad about poor decisions I had made for myself and found it easy to blame the pills and him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
We sound very much alike. I too feel a little guilty for not being happy that he is doing what I always wanted. Then I accept that's the way I feel. This is all so confusing!
Originally Posted by atalose
I hope a good night sleep gives you a fresh start for today. It’s very hard to forgive, forgiveness does not come automatically just because the person who hurt us stops drinking/drugging. It takes time to work out all of those emotions. And right now your husband can’t give you what you want, maybe he’ll never be able to give you that “dream love” you seek. Maybe that will come somewhere down the road if you both commit to working on individual issues to eventually working on marriage issues.
I know that most of my own anger ended up being at myself. I was mad that I stayed to long, I was mad about poor decisions I had made for myself and found it easy to blame the pills and him.
I know that most of my own anger ended up being at myself. I was mad that I stayed to long, I was mad about poor decisions I had made for myself and found it easy to blame the pills and him.
Originally Posted by Sleepyhollo
I totally get it. My RAH will have been clean for 2 year come September and we are now in the process of divorce. We just had our 16th anniversary. When I confronted him the last time I was ready to walk out. But I felt like I needed to give him ,me and our kid another chance at sobriety. But I just think I was too far gone. He is doing great, no desire to drink, has changed quite a bit for the better. But 10+ years of dealing with this and his lack of presence in our relationship just really takes a toll on the non alcoholic person emotionally. I just kept plugging along because that's what codies do and because we have a kid. I have also had to change a lot and he is just not what I want anymore. And it took me a long time to be really honest with myself about my feelings for him. All my reasons for staying in the marriage were all practical and had nothing to do with him personally so not really good to stay in a marriage like that. I still have resentment I guess and I am not sure I have really truly forgiven myself for having put up with it for so long. So I am not sure I can forgive him if I have not forgiven myself. I am glad he is clean because I can trust him with our kid now and he is present for her. And of course I feel bad because he did what I asked him to and now I just cannot get past it. But for the first time in my life I am really looking at what I need to do for me. I could stick around longer and see but after almost 2 years with no change in how I feel I just don't think there is any use. I am not getting any younger either and I don't want to stick around until my kid graduates from high school (10 years) and then still get divorced and having wasted 10 years of my life. It is scary to be on our own again and luckily I know I will be fine but it is still scary.
I feel like I should get over this because he has done so well but it doesn't take away all those years where I suffered in silence and did not honestly see it at that time. Now I do. If only it was as easy as stopping drinking and moving one. But there is so much more to it and I never understood that until he got clean and I started my own counseling and road to recovery from codependence.
You don't have to make any decisions today but you also do not need to stick around if you are just not happy. And you can take time to work through that still if you need to and figure out what resources are available to help you. Good luck, you are not the only one feeling this way (Although I often do feel that way, most people here split from their SO because they cant stay clean and here my H did get clean and I feel ungrateful.....). My counselor really worked with me on making sure that I felt that I had done everything in my power to try and make this work so that I would not have any regrets when the time came that I was done. I think he knew where I was at from very early on but he challenged me on a lot of stuff so that I would feel like I had done my best to make this work. I also keep telling myself that people that don't have addiction in their marriage get divorced al the time as well because they just stopped loving each other. So I should not feel guilty for having stopped loving my RAH after all the **** I have dealt with over the years.
Are you in counseling? Because I am pretty sure that without it I more than likely would have fallen back into the codependency trap and not had the guts to get out.
I feel like I should get over this because he has done so well but it doesn't take away all those years where I suffered in silence and did not honestly see it at that time. Now I do. If only it was as easy as stopping drinking and moving one. But there is so much more to it and I never understood that until he got clean and I started my own counseling and road to recovery from codependence.
You don't have to make any decisions today but you also do not need to stick around if you are just not happy. And you can take time to work through that still if you need to and figure out what resources are available to help you. Good luck, you are not the only one feeling this way (Although I often do feel that way, most people here split from their SO because they cant stay clean and here my H did get clean and I feel ungrateful.....). My counselor really worked with me on making sure that I felt that I had done everything in my power to try and make this work so that I would not have any regrets when the time came that I was done. I think he knew where I was at from very early on but he challenged me on a lot of stuff so that I would feel like I had done my best to make this work. I also keep telling myself that people that don't have addiction in their marriage get divorced al the time as well because they just stopped loving each other. So I should not feel guilty for having stopped loving my RAH after all the **** I have dealt with over the years.
Are you in counseling? Because I am pretty sure that without it I more than likely would have fallen back into the codependency trap and not had the guts to get out.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I am definitely going to put myself on the list. It's a good safety net for the future at least. If my name comes up and I don't need it, Ill just say no thanks.
Originally Posted by hearthealth
I have days I should leave and days I can't make a move. Mainly financial mainly I don't know what the future holds. But I know what today holds. Could you put yourself on the housing list even if you never choose to use? At least there's an option if it comes up.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I have decided to give it six more months. I can reassess after that. I like the idea of living together, even if we split up. It's not the easy solution, but neither is living in a tent because we can't afford to live in our own homes. It rains eight months of the year here. I have no desire to be like Noah LOL
He has suggested marriage counseling in the past. I think that's a good idea even if we do split up. If it helps our marriage, excellent. If not, we can at the very least learn to live in the same house peaceably, and raise our boys.
He has suggested marriage counseling in the past. I think that's a good idea even if we do split up. If it helps our marriage, excellent. If not, we can at the very least learn to live in the same house peaceably, and raise our boys.
Originally Posted by trailmix
There are a few things at play here it seems. You are unhappy and feeling neglected (probably) and at the end of your tether and you sit down to talk it out and get AA slogans.
So maybe you do and maybe there is a reason for that. If the hurts and issues are not addressed are you "supposed to" just state them and move on? Identifying what would help would probably be key here. When you talk to him about past hurts what do you need? He's probably already apologized. Do you want an explanation, some insight? Remorse?
The key thing here, I think, is that he perhaps shouldn't be telling you how YOU should feel.
He can't fix it for you? Well no, not entirely because your feelings are yours, however if someone has wronged you there is a responsibility there for them to right the wrong, in my opinion. An apology and and i'm doing better doesn't quite cut it perhaps? Going about business as usual and saying I am taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn sober doesn't quite cut it either? He might have to dig deep if he wants to save this marriage.
This is a tough one for sure. So really there are 3 options. Stay and work on the marriage, leave or maybe a third.
Is it possible to exit the relationship and still live together as support for your Son? I assume you Husband would find it a struggle to find independent accommodation and still provide for your Son?
It works for some people, it might not be viable for you however it's something to ponder perhaps.
You know I wish you happiness and i'm sorry you are feeling so stuck.
So maybe you do and maybe there is a reason for that. If the hurts and issues are not addressed are you "supposed to" just state them and move on? Identifying what would help would probably be key here. When you talk to him about past hurts what do you need? He's probably already apologized. Do you want an explanation, some insight? Remorse?
The key thing here, I think, is that he perhaps shouldn't be telling you how YOU should feel.
He can't fix it for you? Well no, not entirely because your feelings are yours, however if someone has wronged you there is a responsibility there for them to right the wrong, in my opinion. An apology and and i'm doing better doesn't quite cut it perhaps? Going about business as usual and saying I am taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn sober doesn't quite cut it either? He might have to dig deep if he wants to save this marriage.
This is a tough one for sure. So really there are 3 options. Stay and work on the marriage, leave or maybe a third.
Is it possible to exit the relationship and still live together as support for your Son? I assume you Husband would find it a struggle to find independent accommodation and still provide for your Son?
It works for some people, it might not be viable for you however it's something to ponder perhaps.
You know I wish you happiness and i'm sorry you are feeling so stuck.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Originally Posted by Wamama48
I have decided to give it six more months. I can reassess after that. I like the idea of living together, even if we split up. It's not the easy solution, but neither is living in a tent because we can't afford to live in our own homes. It rains eight months of the year here. I have no desire to be like Noah LOL
He has suggested marriage counseling in the past. I think that's a good idea even if we do split up. If it helps our marriage, excellent. If not, we can at the very least learn to live in the same house peaceably, and raise our boys.
He has suggested marriage counseling in the past. I think that's a good idea even if we do split up. If it helps our marriage, excellent. If not, we can at the very least learn to live in the same house peaceably, and raise our boys.
Give him another 6 month? Great!
I have read most of your posts from the beginning and have been opposed in some points to other forum member who encourage to face reality, leave, etc. This is due to my own history as a sober alcoholic being in a long term relationship, that has become way more fulfilling after cutting. But it took time and my wife had to wait, too.
Pls don’t get me wrong I really trying to give you my honest viewpoint, which is: Wamama, now it’s up to you to also get your **** together regarding him, he is already doing all the steps possible. You wrote, you love him, well, now, then love him.
It is also important to YOUR future about how you now will support and guide him a spouse on his way out of this ********. As a sidenote: You may come with a package too, I guess, I would be surprised if you would be the perfect princess.
You have waited for so long, now not only wait, but make impact towards a scenario you would like in this marriage. Switch your mindest to “What if I can make this marriage work again?”. That's what your husband does at that point.
Don’t get me wrong, you may deserve better, it may have been unfair to you, but hey, get this thing going seems to be a valid option. And in case you leave, chances are there will be some other very heavy burdens in your life.
From my own experience it takes some month to learn empathy again. It’s not that you didn’t have or had it, it’s just you need to learn to live it again. That is true with feelings in general. And with that comes the ability to get over this friendship thing and thankfully love. I draw from my own experience. From what you been written your guy has been acted also very responsible even with your kids, which is a good indicator.
Again, yes there was a lot of hurt and yes I feel with you. And yes, you have NOT been responsible for his drinking, nor for his behaviour when drinking. And yes, this is all not fair, BUT you have someone who seems to care, even when he is constrained in early recovery, someone you love. That is quite more than a lot of people have. Now it’s up to you to leave your mark. My point is, again, from my own experience, you can guide him by giving him targeted reinforcement and feedback. This may be also a investment in your future. And you will miss out on this, if you loop in circles with your own feelings of not forgiving that may not help you - even it is justified and understandable.
All the best!
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Wamama…….in the interest of clarification.....
You have asked a couple of times..."What am I doing here (if I am only a friend and want more)….?".
From what you have written....you have indicated, more than once, it is because of very real financial considerations...and the need to have help with your special needs son...…
Does that sound accurate....?
A second cluster of reasons/needs that you express are.....
1. Need for more emotional intimacy and connection in a relationship....
2. Desire to live in the same house with him...forever.....
3. Feeling overwhelmed with rememberance of past hurts...
In other words----not feeling "seen" and "heard" in the relationship. Not feeling like your needs/feelings are important...not feeling that you matter.
4. Feeling guilty for your feelings. Feeling the pressure to forgive all. Feeling guilty for wanting more emotional intimacy. Feeling guilty for staying so long.
At least...this is what I hear you saying...…
If this is true....perhaps this can become the "To Do" list to explore with your counselor.....
***It is well known that the first year of sobriety can be a walk through the halls of h*** for both the alcoholic and the loved one. (I'm just saying...lol)…
Remember, that nothing is written in stone.....and, you have every right to feel what you feel and to want what you want......
You have asked a couple of times..."What am I doing here (if I am only a friend and want more)….?".
From what you have written....you have indicated, more than once, it is because of very real financial considerations...and the need to have help with your special needs son...…
Does that sound accurate....?
A second cluster of reasons/needs that you express are.....
1. Need for more emotional intimacy and connection in a relationship....
2. Desire to live in the same house with him...forever.....
3. Feeling overwhelmed with rememberance of past hurts...
In other words----not feeling "seen" and "heard" in the relationship. Not feeling like your needs/feelings are important...not feeling that you matter.
4. Feeling guilty for your feelings. Feeling the pressure to forgive all. Feeling guilty for wanting more emotional intimacy. Feeling guilty for staying so long.
At least...this is what I hear you saying...…
If this is true....perhaps this can become the "To Do" list to explore with your counselor.....
***It is well known that the first year of sobriety can be a walk through the halls of h*** for both the alcoholic and the loved one. (I'm just saying...lol)…
Remember, that nothing is written in stone.....and, you have every right to feel what you feel and to want what you want......
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I have read most of your posts from the beginning and have been opposed in some points to other forum member who encourage to face reality, leave,
Thompom the reality is most of us have to leave in the end. Love can only take us so far especially when it is one sided which it is with active alcoholics and those in early recovery. Sometimes we realise there is nothing left to save.
From my own experience it takes some month to learn empathy again.
From my experience us who live with alcoholics have too much..and we need to give that empathy to ourselves, not the alcoholic. My exah was the first to admit he would never have put up with me for a month if I had been like him, never mind 20 years worth.
My point is, again, from my own experience, you can guide him by giving him targeted reinforcement and feedback.
Or she could leave and target all that reinforcement and feedback on herself. I get where you are coming from ThomPom but OP has had 18 years of this already. It's not like she has given up after a few weeks. She can forgive and still walk away. I did.
Thompom the reality is most of us have to leave in the end. Love can only take us so far especially when it is one sided which it is with active alcoholics and those in early recovery. Sometimes we realise there is nothing left to save.
From my own experience it takes some month to learn empathy again.
From my experience us who live with alcoholics have too much..and we need to give that empathy to ourselves, not the alcoholic. My exah was the first to admit he would never have put up with me for a month if I had been like him, never mind 20 years worth.
My point is, again, from my own experience, you can guide him by giving him targeted reinforcement and feedback.
Or she could leave and target all that reinforcement and feedback on herself. I get where you are coming from ThomPom but OP has had 18 years of this already. It's not like she has given up after a few weeks. She can forgive and still walk away. I did.
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