Raindrops

I am back to isolating myself. My father is visiting but I notice myself building walls with him. We have never had a close relationship to begin with. I used to see my counselor but because of work timings, that has not been possible. I don't know what to do. I just don't want to be in al anon meetings. Listening to people talk about alcoholism is such a big trigger in itself for me.

marie1960

Acknowledging that you are isolating is a good first step. I remember the isolation I experienced with the XAH, it’s horrible, so very unhealthy, I certainly do not wish that for you. So what are your available options in continuing your therapy? What are you willing\able to participate in? I do know someone who has weekly phone counseling sessions, could that be a working option.?

trailmix

You isolating is not really surprising. You have been put through the wringer and it's natural (for some people) to pull back from the world when hurt.

Actually, I think this has a connection with something I was saying the other day. If you are the type of person who is inclined to be a "fixer" to look after others and fix all and everything, you might tend to push others away if they try to help you. How can you be fixing things if others are fixing things and doesn't that make you a burden?

The result of that is isolating when really hurt or burnt out. In reading your post you are building walls with your Father, rejecting Al-Anon and have not made time to see your counselor. Of course you realize you are isolating and you posted here so that's a really good thing.

Maybe you need to find other avenues for support. Grief meetings, depression, anxiety, divorce support groups? Maybe there is a meeting that will fit in with your schedule.

If not, I would urge you to find a different counsellor that can work with your schedule.

Isolating is a slippery slope. One minute you are engaging in the world and the next you are at home alone a lot and continuing to push people away. Then, even though people are still trying to be in contact with you, you continue to push back.

It's a terrible place to be and I really hope you will reach our for some more face to face support and of course, posting here whenever you feel like it.

hopeful4

Isolation is toxic. Even if you don't go to Alanon, find a friend or two that you connect with, that you can be truly open and honest with. I second finding a counselor who can do things on your time, even if it's through telehealth.

Big hugs. Keep posting, we are here with you!

Ladybird579

I am back to isolating myself.

I m the world's worst for self isolating. Trailmix is right that the more we do it the harder it is to get out of. If you end up like me people will stop contacting you, stop asking you to do things and eventually stop all interactions. Then the vicious circle gets harder and harder to break because no one is contacting or engaging anymore. fwiw I have had a wall up around my father since I was a tiny child but other people are worth the effort to be open with. In my case I am a full time carer too and so it is important I get outside support and friends but the barriers I have built up are very hard to tear down. It's easier to stay alone. I think getting back to counselling is a great idea. Also looking for new ways to make friends. That something I have been thinking about too.

Freedom1990

I still have a tendency to isolate if I don't watch it. I work at a mental health center, and we have certain days with late hours for folks who work. Is that an option for you?

It's been my personal experience that God works through the people in my life, whether sitting at a meeting, talking to a friend, or even working. Isolation cuts me off from the good, as well as trying to protect myself from the "bad."

It's hard to break out of that cycle of isolation. I pray that you do. You deserve it!

mamabear26

Hi Raindrops, I understand completely I frequently too isolate myself. I guess for me its a level of protection. But I have tried to push myself to not do that because that is my go-to when things get hard. For me, isolating myself is not wanting to leave my house just going to work, pick up kids from school and that's it. I don't like to be out late at night or evenings. I have tried to keep busy and plan my day out so that I don't isolate myself. I often texts my cousins and friends to plan things to do and of course plan things to do with my kids. Its a hard habit to break but it is necessary to live a healthy and happy life.

Mango212

Raindrops,

How are you doing today?

Raindrops

Hi mango.
I am doing better. I still isolate myself a lot but I am starting to get out and meet some people and make friends. It has not been comfortable to say the least . Ny mother was visiting. I do ok when someone is around but then I immediately get drawn back into isolation once I am by myself. I guess it's not being able to trust others and myself to meet people who won't hurt me . But I am putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time.

trailmix

Good to hear from you Raindrops.

Yes, your self-esteem/confidence has taken a beating. It's a sad thing but, thankfully, can be built back up.

There is that balance, certainly initially, between letting people get closer to you and keeping your defenses up. Defenses are not a bad thing and should come naturally, as long as they aren't a mile high and a thousand miles wide, they are normal and helpful!

You are doing great by getting out sometimes, yes, one foot in front of the other. Unfortunately what used to feel great (meeting new people, getting out) can feel not so good when you aren't at your strongest.

Again, as you know, this will build your confidence back up and you can regain that happy, carefree person you used to be, just takes time.

You're strong though, I can see that and you will be fine.

I forget, do you have outside sources of support now?

Raindrops

I am starting back with counseling. Have an appointment for next week. Other than that I just keep going back to al anon for now . I don't know why I am having a hard time going to the Houston area women's shelter. Don't know what my mental block is. Maybe I am still not a hundred percent in acceptance. My brain still does the flip flop . Ugh this pain of rejection and being tossed like a piece of garbage by my ex has taken a real toll.

Raindrops

I think the one thing that hurts me the most is the fact that I never heard from him. I read here about how their qualifiers try to contact them and all of that... but in a year- I heard not once from him. That is the most painful part

trailmix

I never heard from my ex (the narcissist) either. I said, hey let's not talk for a while (via email) never heard another thing from him. I didn't close avenues of communication because if he wanted an explanation I would have been happy to give it.

Now, in that case, he was already setting up others for "supply". He had become a born again Christian (again) and was infiltrating the church, self published some Christian books, set up a website in his own name so he could spout his wisdom AND even set up a go fund me page so he wouldn't have to work and could live off the proceeds (he got zero proceeds - i'm sure this is not the first time his "friends" had seen him "born again").

So off he went in to his fake little life.

Now, I don't know the details of your ex, but from what I remember he is surrounded by supply. That's all they need and even the weakest of supply is a gold mine to them, remember their egos are huge sponges and the smallest amount of attention goes a long way!

Anyway, it may just be that he is ok with his current supply, doesn't mean he might not reappear at some time. I hope by then you will be so far past this you wouldn't even want to respond.

It's not normal in any sense of the word. Were his feelings real? For him as much as they ever could be in his warped world. Your feelings were real and that's what hurts so much. Normal people sit down and hash things out when a marriage is ending (in general when there is not huge animosity), that never happens with a narcissistic personality.

The one I was in a relationship with gave it a year. When I still didn't show any intention of moving in he said, well, guess i'll pack my stuff and move back home. Just like that lol

I can laugh now because honestly it is all so ludicrous. That born again guy wasn't the guy I knew initially at all.

That's the key, in my opinion. Once I accepted that the guy was not normal in any way - the rest was easy (in comparison).

It's not YOU, you have to believe that. You didn't not live up to some ideal, you were not unworthy, you were not less. You just got hooked up with a man who is really really messed up. That is not your fault, it happens! People with disorders are masters of presenting themselves as what you need them to be. They NEED you. Once they have you they start to get comfortable. No one can wear a mask forever. You know how sometimes, say at work or in some professional environment you have to put on your "work face" and then you collapse with your bunny slippers on when you get home because omg isn't it exhausting?

It's exhausting for them too.

Assuming he has narcissistic tendencies and I know you have read up on that, your leaving would have been a major narcissistic wound.

I'm rambling on, but you are on the right path. Glad to hear you are going back to counselling and you realize that acceptance of what he is, is the key here.

trailmix

I just wanted to say, when you said perhaps you aren't in acceptance, I kind of turned that around (unintentionally).

I think you meant haven't really accepted the relationship is over, I kind of turned it around to acceptance that he is not who he presented himself to be and it is him, not you.

Yes, it was unintentional, but it's actually true.