End Stage Alcoholism
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Join Date: Jun 2018
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End Stage Alcoholism
Newbie here with unfortunately way too much experience in the dreaded disease of alcoholism. I have never had the courage or strength to finally leave my AH of 24 years for good. Made several half hearted attempts but co-dependent me keeps coming back for more. I know, I am sicker than he is. I could go through the good, the bad, and the ugly but it would be the same ole, insane ole. He was told in early 2017, he had 2 years or less if he continued to drink for gastro/stomach issues. I have done our marriage vows on playback in my mind ever since. Then, when I start to imagine and formulate some sort of plan to let go or be dragged, boom another health crisis brought on by his drinking. AAH/ALD brought on by a bender. Drs said he doesnt have much chance if he doesnt stop drinking. Well, he hasn't. Last night I watched Rain in my Heart and I bawled my eyes out. I read most of the blog The Immortal Alcoholic and for sometime have known the caretaking role would some day fall on me. He tells me daily how sorry he is for all this and how no one has deserved the tremendous pain that has been inflicted on our family. Which is of some comfort. Advice from those who did hang in there for end stage alcoholism? I know it can be a very long road or a relatively short one for any number of reasons. I have been to in Alanon, but unfortunately have been unable to participate recently.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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That's tuff,BUT as an ex-drinker..I'd say get on with your life. Don't allow his drinking troubles to become your troubles. Even 'drinking me' wouldn't put that responsibility on anyone(and I was selfish/manipulative as hell!).
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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The Immortal Alcoholic and for sometime have known the caretaking role would some day fall on me.
It does not have to fall to you. You have options and choices. My exah is in end stage. It is hard enough watching it from afar when others are caring for him. I would not have made a good carer for him. I had, in my codependent times, thought I was the ONLY one good enough to look after him. I realise now I am the last person who should be. I have too much buried resentment and to much judgement of him to make his last months or years happy. He is with people who have no emotional attachment to him in the way I did and can be caring and compassionate without any underlying feelings of you brought this on yourself or I hate you for what you have put me through. Am not saying you are feeling like that. I don't know you but I did and for that reason alone it was kinder to let him go.
It does not have to fall to you. You have options and choices. My exah is in end stage. It is hard enough watching it from afar when others are caring for him. I would not have made a good carer for him. I had, in my codependent times, thought I was the ONLY one good enough to look after him. I realise now I am the last person who should be. I have too much buried resentment and to much judgement of him to make his last months or years happy. He is with people who have no emotional attachment to him in the way I did and can be caring and compassionate without any underlying feelings of you brought this on yourself or I hate you for what you have put me through. Am not saying you are feeling like that. I don't know you but I did and for that reason alone it was kinder to let him go.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
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As hard as it is to hear, I know and have known for sometime to leave him to the "love" of his life, vodka (oh, and NCSI--really whats up with that?) . I wish I could say I will. Unfortunately, my actions have always proved otherwise. Not going to make excuses for my actions, anymore than he should his. Of course, I have resentments but I also feel (right now) I have the compassion to continue care. A good friend of mine who cared for her mother with Alzheimer's told me she said "goodbye" to the mother she knew long before she died. I am doing that. I know everyone in all likelihood will care for someone they love with a terminal illness. But the stigma of this, led me here.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: St Louis, MO
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DShe
Your decision to remain his caretaker needs to be housed in self care. You cannot help him if you are an emotional wreck. Your drunk husband may not care about your emotional well being, but in his sober moments he would likely tell you he does not want you destroyed by his disease as well. You wrote that you have not been able to get to an alanon meeting in some time. Please remember to "Put the air mask on yourself before assisting others." This is the key. Yes, this is a disease but it also has a cure/treatment that he has decided he is not going to embrace. It is horribly sad, but it is his choice. So saying your goodbyes to your husband getting sober I believe is a good idea. Then you must focus FIRST on doing what you need to do for your own well being. If he needs you to assist him through his final days, then preserving your emotional self will also serve him. The serenity prayer holds a lot of wisdom. Repeat it in times of struggle and really consider the things you have the power to change and let go of those you cannot.
Your decision to remain his caretaker needs to be housed in self care. You cannot help him if you are an emotional wreck. Your drunk husband may not care about your emotional well being, but in his sober moments he would likely tell you he does not want you destroyed by his disease as well. You wrote that you have not been able to get to an alanon meeting in some time. Please remember to "Put the air mask on yourself before assisting others." This is the key. Yes, this is a disease but it also has a cure/treatment that he has decided he is not going to embrace. It is horribly sad, but it is his choice. So saying your goodbyes to your husband getting sober I believe is a good idea. Then you must focus FIRST on doing what you need to do for your own well being. If he needs you to assist him through his final days, then preserving your emotional self will also serve him. The serenity prayer holds a lot of wisdom. Repeat it in times of struggle and really consider the things you have the power to change and let go of those you cannot.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
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No, he is not bedridden. He spent 5 days in the hospital 2 weeks ago. I am careful not to try and not do anything for him, that he can do for himself. Although I am not perfect in that area. I was making it my responsibility to remind him to take his medications until he resumed drinking and then I thought what is the point!!! Until I read he should continue to take thiamine (for my sanity of the possibility of wet brain really scares me). I have cried a lot the last 48 hours, where I really had thought I had become so desensitized that tears no longer existed. Today I am making it my goal to get my big girl pants on and try very hard take care of me.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Big BIG (((HUGS))) to you.
We had a man here named 'Hammer' for a while, and I don't think I'll ever forget him. Sadly, he left after a disagreement with moderators and I've always kinda hoped he'd come back and check in one day.
Anyway - at the time, he was very steadfast in his decision to stay with his wife no matter what. He made no excuses for his choice (a trait that taught me a lot), and he moved his life forward with that choice in mind by coming here often, and by spending a TON of time in Alanon to take care of himself. And...he sounded good! Positive. Upbeat. And was super helpful to myself and others.
I hope you can let go of any stigma. And I hope that if it all becomes too much, you flee to take care of yourself, and leave him with a nurse. And I hope that you find some time for Alanon or counseling (there are phone and online meetings) and I really really hope you keep coming back here!! THere is a lot of information on caregiver stress out there - caregivers of people with ANY terminal disease. It isn't easy and you deserve a ton of support. My best to you!! And another (((HUG))))
We had a man here named 'Hammer' for a while, and I don't think I'll ever forget him. Sadly, he left after a disagreement with moderators and I've always kinda hoped he'd come back and check in one day.
Anyway - at the time, he was very steadfast in his decision to stay with his wife no matter what. He made no excuses for his choice (a trait that taught me a lot), and he moved his life forward with that choice in mind by coming here often, and by spending a TON of time in Alanon to take care of himself. And...he sounded good! Positive. Upbeat. And was super helpful to myself and others.
I hope you can let go of any stigma. And I hope that if it all becomes too much, you flee to take care of yourself, and leave him with a nurse. And I hope that you find some time for Alanon or counseling (there are phone and online meetings) and I really really hope you keep coming back here!! THere is a lot of information on caregiver stress out there - caregivers of people with ANY terminal disease. It isn't easy and you deserve a ton of support. My best to you!! And another (((HUG))))
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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DShe…...perhaps the bottom line reality issue for you is this---will you be willing to let his disease destroy you as it is him. Caretaking, without adequate support, and, especially, for any extended length of time can affect the health of the caretaker significantly....and, that includes mental health, as well as physical health...
I think that the wiliness to seek help and to accept help will be a very important factor for you. With so much of the population requiring assisted care, these days, there is m ore awareness and more services to assist the care giver. The negative effects of long term care giving is now recognized, much m ore than ever before....
Perhaps, the goal of getting back to al anon on a continued basis would be a good place to start. Just getting some face to face interaction and validation of your feelings, in itself, can be a relief....And, it will help with the detachment that you need to develop, if you are to continue in this role....
In addition, you might think of getting the services of a social worker to help you with advance planning that needs to be done, in preparation of his possible increased dependency....
Don't underestimate the value of being prepared for the future. You can make an appointment with a county social worker to discuss this, and get direction to where specific services are available....No doubt, there are resources that you are not aware of....
I am not wanting to sound blunt...but, I probably do...lol. This is just the reality of what the situation calls for. The isolation of caregiving is one of the worst aspects. Outside contact, and outside help is of paramount importance in caring for yourself....
I think that the wiliness to seek help and to accept help will be a very important factor for you. With so much of the population requiring assisted care, these days, there is m ore awareness and more services to assist the care giver. The negative effects of long term care giving is now recognized, much m ore than ever before....
Perhaps, the goal of getting back to al anon on a continued basis would be a good place to start. Just getting some face to face interaction and validation of your feelings, in itself, can be a relief....And, it will help with the detachment that you need to develop, if you are to continue in this role....
In addition, you might think of getting the services of a social worker to help you with advance planning that needs to be done, in preparation of his possible increased dependency....
Don't underestimate the value of being prepared for the future. You can make an appointment with a county social worker to discuss this, and get direction to where specific services are available....No doubt, there are resources that you are not aware of....
I am not wanting to sound blunt...but, I probably do...lol. This is just the reality of what the situation calls for. The isolation of caregiving is one of the worst aspects. Outside contact, and outside help is of paramount importance in caring for yourself....
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
It sounds like a very tough situation you are in. Are there other people in your life (kids, family members, friends) that you want to stay healthy for? "Staying healthy" in this situation might mean taking care of AH by yourself or it might mean letting him go, or it might mean seeking out services to look after him and not doing all of it yourself, so you are able to experience life outside being the wife of an alcoholic. I think what I'm saying is that there's probably more to your life than a husband who is choosing alcohol over everything else.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by DShe 
I read most of the blog The Immortal Alcoholic and for sometime have known the caretaking role would some day fall on me.
As has been said, you do need a plan regardless and you do need to look after yourself.
If you are determined to be his caretaker then the best thing you can do is take care of yourself. As I am sure you are aware after living many years with an active alcoholic, you can and will get tapped out eventually and have nothing more to give.
He tells me daily how sorry he is for all this and how no one has deserved the tremendous pain that has been inflicted on our family. Which is of some comfort.
IF it were even just a matter of him being an active addict but perhaps functioning but no, he has been told what he needs to do and he has chosen not to do that but the tragedy is he is ok with taking you down that path with him.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
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Yes, I ment NCIS. This morning after just reaching out I felt so much better. I did things I wanted to get done and read the "quakers." That is a goldmine!!!
I truly appreciate all the thoughts to ponder.
And No, I dont buy his akcohol
I truly appreciate all the thoughts to ponder.
And No, I dont buy his akcohol
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 29
* alcohol. He drove the block while I was at church yesterday. He does his thing and I do mine.
It is absolutely true he could rally from this. I have to prepare for that, too. Will I continue? Right now, I cannot answer that. There was older gentleman at my alanon group who was a bit of a legend. When his AH wife fell and broke his hip while drunk, he called 911. Then he went in the kitchen and made himself a ham sandwich. Now that is some detachment! I will continue to practice. But we all make mistakes.
It is absolutely true he could rally from this. I have to prepare for that, too. Will I continue? Right now, I cannot answer that. There was older gentleman at my alanon group who was a bit of a legend. When his AH wife fell and broke his hip while drunk, he called 911. Then he went in the kitchen and made himself a ham sandwich. Now that is some detachment! I will continue to practice. But we all make mistakes.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Hey.. If you're ok and accept the 'role' of caring for him..That's your choice and no-one should have any dissagrement about it. It's the 'people' that take on that roll and constantly complain about their decision that errks me. LOL Like I say in the newcomers forum "own your stuff." It seems like you're doing just that..good on you! This is a great source of advice/support!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by firebolt
Big BIG (((HUGS))) to you.
We had a man here named 'Hammer' for a while, and I don't think I'll ever forget him. Sadly, he left after a disagreement with moderators and I've always kinda hoped he'd come back and check in one day.
Anyway - at the time, he was very steadfast in his decision to stay with his wife no matter what. He made no excuses for his choice (a trait that taught me a lot), and he moved his life forward with that choice in mind by coming here often, and by spending a TON of time in Alanon to take care of himself. And...he sounded good! Positive. Upbeat. And was super helpful to myself and others.
I hope you can let go of any stigma. And I hope that if it all becomes too much, you flee to take care of yourself, and leave him with a nurse. And I hope that you find some time for Alanon or counseling (there are phone and online meetings) and I really really hope you keep coming back here!! THere is a lot of information on caregiver stress out there - caregivers of people with ANY terminal disease. It isn't easy and you deserve a ton of support. My best to you!! And another (((HUG))))
We had a man here named 'Hammer' for a while, and I don't think I'll ever forget him. Sadly, he left after a disagreement with moderators and I've always kinda hoped he'd come back and check in one day.
Anyway - at the time, he was very steadfast in his decision to stay with his wife no matter what. He made no excuses for his choice (a trait that taught me a lot), and he moved his life forward with that choice in mind by coming here often, and by spending a TON of time in Alanon to take care of himself. And...he sounded good! Positive. Upbeat. And was super helpful to myself and others.
I hope you can let go of any stigma. And I hope that if it all becomes too much, you flee to take care of yourself, and leave him with a nurse. And I hope that you find some time for Alanon or counseling (there are phone and online meetings) and I really really hope you keep coming back here!! THere is a lot of information on caregiver stress out there - caregivers of people with ANY terminal disease. It isn't easy and you deserve a ton of support. My best to you!! And another (((HUG))))
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