batchel9

I haven’t come here much lately as I have been needing the support less and less. That is a good sign in itself maybe right?

My divorce is almost final and it was hell for a while. There were seriously days the pain was so great I didn’t know if I could keep going.

Ultimately I probably went in to the divorce process too nice. I went in trying to be fair and I felt taken advantage of. AH and I share 50/50 custody but he is on soberlink for a year therefore no drinking with kids. Which is really what I felt was best for my kids because he is great with them, so ultimately this allows them to have him sober. After that i can either send him to the police station to blow or whatever but he is NOT ALLOWED to be over 0.08 BAC. In order for him to agree to this, I had to agree to it as well so it also applies to me (eye roll).

He is also in a mid life crisis. He thinks if he changes career path completely he will be happier and more fulfilled so he is not working and going back to school. I make good money and this screwed me in regards to child support as I make good money and have a huge stressful job but I’m getting over it.

Ultimately we will see where the next year takes us I guess. I feel like he continues to teeter on this “doing halfway ok / really messing up” line. I wish it would just go one way or another. Either get better dude or not. Sad to think like that but the unknown and unprefictability still drives me crazy.

I don’t know that I have made all the right decisions or would do it all again the same way, but at least I can go forward and I feel it’s all on him. I’m giving him and my kids the best chance of having a relationship. If he messes up and I need to go back and ask for more monitoring or take away his custody, it’s allll on him.

I’m mostly settled into my new house and still figuring out all of the “man tasks” he used to do but I think I’m rocking it as best as I could.

I’m still getting passed the judgement piece. I don’t outwardly tell people I’m divorced because I still feel so much shame. I might need counseling on that because I really need to get over it.

Overall I’m happier. Single mom life is hard, taking care of a house by myself is hard, but it’s all within my control. I’ve limited the unprefictability and negativity as much as can be and that is a good thing.

If anyone has any pointers or related stories to share, would love to hear them.

Ladybird579

You wrote on another thread about soberlink Well, in theory that works but in reality it doesn't. He essentially doesn't blow in the thing if he knows he has been drinking. It has "dead batteries" or he "left if XYZ", etc. Doesnt happen often but has at least 3 in the last few months.


It that still the case cos at that time you were wishing you had not gone for 50/50 custody and the Soberlink your ex was already abusing. I noticed too he has driven drunk with the kids in the car. It's that all resolved now or is it still a concern?

I found with my exah if he was given and inch he took a mile and he was never , ever sober when he was supposed to be so that is something to watch out for.

batchel9

Good question! The frequency in which he is required to blow is now written in our almost final court order. Therefore he takes it much more seriously than before it was an order. I’m guessing his lawyer advised him to do this. I will also enforce per the court order (not let him have the kids) if he doesn’t do as required, which I have. And if he doesn’t follow it I can take him back to court, it makes him look bad, and I can use it as data against him.

Problem with my AH is that he doesn’t drink all of the time and doesn’t have a history of documented issues. Asking for more custody may have worked, but it would have been his word against mine.

The soberlink keeps him from drinking when he has the kids, I truly believe that. He is a master at not getting caught. He has slipped in the past in which he is supposed to get the kids and can’t because he isn’t blowing 0. In which case I get them and have one more data point against him.

trailmix

You sound great! I'm really glad you are comfortable with your decisions, that's so important. No, we don't everything right all the time but we make out decisions to the best of our ability and that's all we can ask from ourselves!

Yes, probably means things are settling down and that's great. You can keep coming back anyway though!

Sasha1972

That's really all that matters. If he's passed out from drinking most of the time but holds off for a few hours when he's got the kids, the system is working as it should.

I'd be careful about considering this a "data point against him". In my experience, with a similar ex, incidents of missed or failed tests aren't regarded as a strike against the alcoholic, as long as he/she doesn't have access to the kids. I think courts see SoberLink mainly as a way of accommodating to someone's addiction to minimize the impact on kids.