Question for those Divorced/Separated from their AH
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Join Date: May 2017
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Question for those Divorced/Separated from their AH
Hi, I just recently filed for divorce from AH and my son and I have left our home as of last Sunday. I was just curious if anyone has experienced this.
AH is automatically assuming that I am divorcing him because of another guy. He thinks because it’s so “sudden” (it isn’t, I’ve given him plenty of chances), that it just has to be because I like someone else, not because I am miserable and literally cannot be around the drinking any longer, and also don’t want DS around it either. Last night I was out with DS, my sister and her husband; I told him that was who is was with and he said I was full of s*** so I took a selfie of us and sent it to him. His answer to that was “oh so he took the picture huh.” Anyway, just wondering if anyone had had this issue with their significant others. If so, does have anyone have any tips on how to react/respond? Thanks!
AH is automatically assuming that I am divorcing him because of another guy. He thinks because it’s so “sudden” (it isn’t, I’ve given him plenty of chances), that it just has to be because I like someone else, not because I am miserable and literally cannot be around the drinking any longer, and also don’t want DS around it either. Last night I was out with DS, my sister and her husband; I told him that was who is was with and he said I was full of s*** so I took a selfie of us and sent it to him. His answer to that was “oh so he took the picture huh.” Anyway, just wondering if anyone had had this issue with their significant others. If so, does have anyone have any tips on how to react/respond? Thanks!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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His addiction is trying to protecting itself by INSISTING that there must be some other reason he is losing you besides the addiction. Don't waste your energy trying to prove reality to him--he's not interested in that right now.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Have you been able to convince him to see things through your eyes in other areas of your life together? Has he understood your reality? No? Then this isn't going to be much different, most likely.
I think your best response is to NOT respond. I think that will be your best response to a LOT of situations coming your way now. Keep your eyes on the prize and save your energy for the things that matter. Trying to convince an A that he is deluding himself would NOT be "one of the things that matter."
I think your best response is to NOT respond. I think that will be your best response to a LOT of situations coming your way now. Keep your eyes on the prize and save your energy for the things that matter. Trying to convince an A that he is deluding himself would NOT be "one of the things that matter."
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
You can't reason with an unreasonable person.
He didn't hear you when you said his drinking is not ok for you.
He didn't hear you when you said you weren't happy.
He didn't hear you when you said his drinking would destroy your family.
And he's not going to hear you when you say his drinking is the reason you left.
I agree with everyone else. There's no reason to say anything because he doesn't WANT to believe his drinking did this.
He didn't hear you when you said his drinking is not ok for you.
He didn't hear you when you said you weren't happy.
He didn't hear you when you said his drinking would destroy your family.
And he's not going to hear you when you say his drinking is the reason you left.
I agree with everyone else. There's no reason to say anything because he doesn't WANT to believe his drinking did this.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
So many good replies here.
With "the other guy" you get to be the bad guy and it takes all the focus off his drinking. It's rather a perfect excuse for you divorcing him.
As others have said, it's best not to engage in that exchange with him, what's the point, he is not listening.
With "the other guy" you get to be the bad guy and it takes all the focus off his drinking. It's rather a perfect excuse for you divorcing him.
As others have said, it's best not to engage in that exchange with him, what's the point, he is not listening.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have been divorced for a few years. My XAH blamed me (and still does) for every reason under the sun. Of course, his addiction, cheating, and lies had NOTHING to do w/it. Ha.
My suggestion is not to respond at all. Look up the term Gray Rock. Thing is, even if you do respond, it likely won't matter anyways. I would form terms now with yourself that you will only respond to something you have to, like property division or something of that nature. And if have an attorney, I even more recommend no communication and letting the attorneys haggle that out.
My suggestion is not to respond at all. Look up the term Gray Rock. Thing is, even if you do respond, it likely won't matter anyways. I would form terms now with yourself that you will only respond to something you have to, like property division or something of that nature. And if have an attorney, I even more recommend no communication and letting the attorneys haggle that out.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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Last night I was out with DS, my sister and her husband; I told him that was who is was with
here is where you start.....you can stop giving him updates on your actions, activities and company. you don't have to report to him. less is more.
he's allowed to have his own thoughts/misconceptions. they are not yours to change. you do not have to defend yourself to him, explain yourself, or even listen to his blathering . the best response is NO response. do not engage.
here is where you start.....you can stop giving him updates on your actions, activities and company. you don't have to report to him. less is more.
he's allowed to have his own thoughts/misconceptions. they are not yours to change. you do not have to defend yourself to him, explain yourself, or even listen to his blathering . the best response is NO response. do not engage.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
My STBAXH did this sort of thing regularly after I filed for divorce. He would call on the weekends late at night to see if I would answer and if I was out. One time I did answer and I was at a friend's house with my boys watching a boxing fight. He flipped out. Saying he didn't want me around my friends who Ive known since elementary school, that they are bad influences (I'm thinking and you are not...ha). He did this sort of thing regularly but I usually wouldn't answer since it was no longer his business where me and my kids were at. He finally stopped calling late at night since I caught wind of him and his " female friend" whom spends the night at his parents house on the weekends. He still does call me regularly drunk I might add when she is not around to see what the kids and I are doing but I'm learning to not pick every single phone call unless it regarding the kids, financial or legal issues. Its hard but staying strong will benefit you in the end.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
I am going through a very ugly divorce right now but I keep telling myself that my integrity is my responsibility and I have to come from a place of love while keeping my boundaries intact. My ex husband sees no fault of his in the divorce and wants to blame it all on me leaving him, that how I married him for money and blah blah... no contact no contact no contact and luckily his ego made it easy for me too since he wanted to no contact either. But this has been a blessing because it gave me a chance to grow and see my part and take baby steps to make small changes. I am learning to build my self worth and take care of me and he has nothing to do with that anymore. It is literally a life changing fresh start for me to be able to bring the focus back on me and discover myself
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
It’s funny, because my mom left my dad largely because he was an alcoholic and 25 years later he still doesn’t see it. My AH would laugh at my dad and how ridiculous it was he didn’t see it. Now that we are going through it, he does the same thing. Blames me, that I was cheating on him, etc. I told him he was just like my dad and he hung up. Truth is hard to hear. I agree, even though I’m not that good at it myself, not engaging is best.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
My exah never saw it was because he drank we divorced and never will. I don't care what he thinks are the reasons cos it's not my problem. I agree with op that no contact is your best friend. Only speak if it is child related.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
I have been divorced for a few years. My XAH blamed me (and still does) for every reason under the sun. Of course, his addiction, cheating, and lies had NOTHING to do w/it. Ha.
He outright told me that he never loved me and only was staying for our son - this is when he was shown the door. He goes around telling people that I abandoned him. And when I bring up the fact that he was the one who wanted a new life without me and his son in it - he changes the subject. He is a piece of work alright.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
That is, I do my best not to react.
Which can be hard. Friday night he was telling me his Father’s Day plans with DS (I was out with friends), and I could not hear something he said - and he followed it with “I don’t know how much you have had to drink....”. It was very, very hard not to engage or respond with a snippy answer. I’ve learned hard way that no matter what I say, whether I am kind or unkind when I respond - my words will be twisted in all kinds of ways and there will be more blaming and abuse. Grey rock that is!
Which can be hard. Friday night he was telling me his Father’s Day plans with DS (I was out with friends), and I could not hear something he said - and he followed it with “I don’t know how much you have had to drink....”. It was very, very hard not to engage or respond with a snippy answer. I’ve learned hard way that no matter what I say, whether I am kind or unkind when I respond - my words will be twisted in all kinds of ways and there will be more blaming and abuse. Grey rock that is!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
As long as you continue to engage,and talk about what he wants to talk about, and allow him to control the conversation with his allegations ,he doesn’t have to accept responsibility for his actions.
Denial and deflection is what this pitiful game is called. Serious life matters such as these should not be viewed as a game. Allow him the dignity to figure it out for himself. He may seek help, or he may choose to never take responsibility for his life choices.
Glad to hear you are spending time with you family, a good support system is vital to your healing.
Limit communication to matters that only pertain to your child, and just because he texts something obnoxious, does not mean you have to respond. It’s his way of staying connected, and struggling to maintain control.
Denial and deflection is what this pitiful game is called. Serious life matters such as these should not be viewed as a game. Allow him the dignity to figure it out for himself. He may seek help, or he may choose to never take responsibility for his life choices.
Glad to hear you are spending time with you family, a good support system is vital to your healing.
Limit communication to matters that only pertain to your child, and just because he texts something obnoxious, does not mean you have to respond. It’s his way of staying connected, and struggling to maintain control.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 116
I wish
I WISH he didn't want to be with the kids so I could leave with them!!
Originally Posted by Nata1980
Same here. XAH just left after visiting for Father’s Day (pouted the whole time because I did not hang out with him). I was trying to find tools in the garage the night before - he stated that I can’t find anything because I was in a great rush to get his stuff out. Poor thing.
He outright told me that he never loved me and only was staying for our son - this is when he was shown the door. He goes around telling people that I abandoned him. And when I bring up the fact that he was the one who wanted a new life without me and his son in it - he changes the subject. He is a piece of work alright.
He outright told me that he never loved me and only was staying for our son - this is when he was shown the door. He goes around telling people that I abandoned him. And when I bring up the fact that he was the one who wanted a new life without me and his son in it - he changes the subject. He is a piece of work alright.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
My XAH also refuses to believe that I made him leave because of his addictions and verbal abuse. 3 years after he left and after we were divorced, I met my partner. Now, XAH sends me abusive emails where he rants and raves about what a wife stealing bustard my partner is. I aint no-one's freakin' 'wife" hahahahaha.
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