Update after 10 months! - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read




Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 06-14-2018, 06:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 105

Update after 10 months!


After a huge crisis late last summer with my AH, I haven't posted much. I'm far down the divorce process and its been bumpy and tiresome and I put my therapy and recovery to the back burner dealing with day to day struggles. Today I have some truly rare alone time with my daughter on a camping trip for two days. I was feeling very grief stricken and decided to get up and mop the floor. I hate mopping. Like more than any other household task. But today I had deep meditative thoughts that left me in tears. I feel like I just lifted 200 lbs of weight off my shoulders. I immediately journaled and suddenly thought to share my musing here. I hope they help someone in crisis to know it does get better. Recovery comes bits by bits and then in waves all at once. Anyway here are my thoughts:

And all at once, I had the kind of earth shattering epiphany that fills you with nostalgia and longing. The kind of epiphany that splits your mind and heart open like a sprouted seed; new growth rising, rising, rising breaking through its protective shell. It was the kind of epiphany that takes your breath away, that clears the fog, that centers the focus right back to the self, back here and now, and releases you, with grief, from the past that binds you to the pain and darkness you have long since forgotten your carried. Itís the kind of epiphany that accepts apologies that arenít coming, and forgives the self for its sins against others. Itís the kind of epiphany that expands you into adulthood and lets go of whatever foolish judgements were left from the spoilt child within. And, so in the middle of mopping the floor it hit me: I was as guilty as he of addiction. My addiction was to the possibility of recovery, or perfection, my attachment to the idea of the future we might have had. The one that had only been just out of reach. The Ďif onlyís and the Ďnext timesí. I was unable to unchain myself from the pain he was causing me. Unable to accept my own powerlessness. Unable to let go of the possibilities. Too afraid of the pain of ending a relationship that had become intolerable, because I was terrified that I couldnít cope with the next chapter. Never allowing myself to count more than his self. Never wanting to be ungrateful, unkind. Never wanting to let go. Thatís it. Thatís the epiphany. Thatís my rock bottom. I made difficult choices. I can build the stairs to climb out of this darkness. I donít have to live this, to carry this anymore. All along I thought the weight was chained to me, like an anchor pulling me into the depths of his ocean of alcoholism. But all at once, I realized, the weight is a backpack, and I can take it off. I can set down the weight. It wasnít mine. It was someone elseís bag to unpack. Life is full or hard things. I accept that. That some people are addicts who wonít get help. Or addicts who get help but still donít make good partners for me. Some people that you love are not investments for the future. Sometimes they are best loved from afar. And now I can grieve the wonderful man I married, the best friend I lost to alcoholism, and the father my daughter didnít get. And, for the first time in years, I know I will be ok.
fml23 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 21 Users Say Thank You to fml23 For This Useful Post:
atalose (06-19-2018), Bernadette (06-16-2018), Carol Star (06-15-2018), clarity888 (06-15-2018), dandylion (06-14-2018), DesertEyes (06-15-2018), desertgirl (06-14-2018), EllieJ (06-15-2018), FarmGirl (06-20-2018), firebolt (06-15-2018), FireSprite (06-15-2018), Gm0824 (06-19-2018), HardLessons (06-19-2018), Ladybird579 (06-19-2018), PuzzledHeart (06-15-2018), qtpi (06-16-2018), Sasha1972 (06-21-2018), SmallButMighty (06-15-2018), SparkleKitty (06-14-2018), trailmix (06-14-2018), velma929 (06-15-2018)
Old 06-15-2018, 06:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
velma929's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 515
"My addiction was to the possibility of recovery, or perfection, my attachment to the idea of the future we might have had. ...snip...

All along I thought the weight was chained to me, like an anchor pulling me into the depths of his ocean of alcoholism. But all at once, I realized, the weight is a backpack, and I can take it off. I can set down the weight."


awesome
velma929 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to velma929 For This Useful Post:
Bernadette (06-16-2018), desertgirl (06-15-2018), qtpi (06-16-2018), trailmix (06-15-2018)
Old 06-15-2018, 02:03 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 63
Thank you for sharing this beautiful journaling. You put into words so much of my experience. It is not only comforting to have support when in crisis. I think it is also important to know that moments of clarity are personal building blocks and provide real strength to carry on. I have had a couple of epiphanies n the recent past and I see them as gifts I gave myself after a long process of working out. That clarity you describe is exquisite. They tears are very special. Mine were accompanied by an sort of laugh as well. Emotions are amazingly exciting when they return after years of being tamped down. Thank you again and all the best with you and your daughter.
Zukunft is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Zukunft For This Useful Post:
qtpi (06-16-2018)
Old 06-15-2018, 03:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Carol Star's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,330
Blog Entries: 2
wow thanks
Carol Star is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-15-2018, 05:32 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
dawnrising's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 300
WOW - This just blew my mind! Thanks for sharing
dawnrising is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-19-2018, 01:04 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Wow that made me cry. Thank you so much, That is amazing.
Ladybird579 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply



Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:50 PM.