It This a Recovery Stage
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It This a Recovery Stage
or am I regressing? I was doing OK. We all were. My sons were happy and life was ticking along. Then along came things to overturn the peace. Nothing too major but enough to unsettle me and make me anxious again. I found out my grandchild I have never seen is autistic. It makes me cry that I cannot be any help to my dd. That I cannot see him or be there for her. Or hug him. That her life choices have made this the way it is.
I thought I was OK with it and every other nasty thing I've had to live with as a consequence of being married to an active alcoholic and doing nothing about it for years. However, I am getting everything coming back to haunt me over and over. Everything I said and did , everything said to me and done by my kids and exah, my family, his family, every outcome of everything plays over and over in my head now like a record that won't stop. All the hurt and sadness is back. I am remembering things I had forgotten.
Today my son wanted to go to his dads to speak to him about his job offer and we went in his beautiful house. He wanted me to look around to run my eye over it cos he is selling. It's full of my stuff lol and he was wittering on about how he got brand new curtains from a yard sale for $3. It hit me then. I am the only one who is still hurting here. He's moved on..like it never happened. It's days like these I doubt I will ever recover. It's like a slide down a hill to plod 2 steps back up. I just feel hollow.
I thought I was OK with it and every other nasty thing I've had to live with as a consequence of being married to an active alcoholic and doing nothing about it for years. However, I am getting everything coming back to haunt me over and over. Everything I said and did , everything said to me and done by my kids and exah, my family, his family, every outcome of everything plays over and over in my head now like a record that won't stop. All the hurt and sadness is back. I am remembering things I had forgotten.
Today my son wanted to go to his dads to speak to him about his job offer and we went in his beautiful house. He wanted me to look around to run my eye over it cos he is selling. It's full of my stuff lol and he was wittering on about how he got brand new curtains from a yard sale for $3. It hit me then. I am the only one who is still hurting here. He's moved on..like it never happened. It's days like these I doubt I will ever recover. It's like a slide down a hill to plod 2 steps back up. I just feel hollow.
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I don't think you are regressing at all, in fact I think in some way it is just more healing that needs to be done. I find, for me sometimes that something will trigger a wound to open and I will again feel old hurts, but I always recover from those incidents in a day or two, I think this healing and recovery is a lifelong process, try not to beat yourself up for feeling fragile some days, I don't like the painful feelings either
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I don't see it as a regression I see it as an opportunity for growth......so for example I have things trigger me every now and again into panic mode.....I find (and this is something my therapist suggested a while back when I still had extra money to go haha) that figuring out what the trigger was is helpful (once figured out what the trigger was I could trace back to why I was triggered). This makes it so next time I have that particular trigger I'm not so panicked...because I know why.
If you saw my dating thread I was triggered into a panic ( I never want to date ever mode and literally tensed up thinking about it) recently....I figured out it was because someone interested in me that I had started to like a little bit tried to move into my home. Once I figured out the trigger I figured out why...first my XRAH is financially a disaster so I was constantly worried about losing what I'd earned and second I have another ex (not ab A but still an A** (double s)) that I had let move in in the past and he wouldn't leave...I almost had to evict...it was traumatizing (leaving out details). So I realized those issues are still holding me back from trusting ANYONE to date. The trigger also had my mind wandering back to XRAH and when I lived with him.
So I was thinking perhaps something has triggered your feelings and maybe if you can figure out what it was such a trigger it can lead to healing?
Just an idea...maybe way off base....it sounds like you may know what the triggers are so maybe the question is why they are so triggering?
If you saw my dating thread I was triggered into a panic ( I never want to date ever mode and literally tensed up thinking about it) recently....I figured out it was because someone interested in me that I had started to like a little bit tried to move into my home. Once I figured out the trigger I figured out why...first my XRAH is financially a disaster so I was constantly worried about losing what I'd earned and second I have another ex (not ab A but still an A** (double s)) that I had let move in in the past and he wouldn't leave...I almost had to evict...it was traumatizing (leaving out details). So I realized those issues are still holding me back from trusting ANYONE to date. The trigger also had my mind wandering back to XRAH and when I lived with him.
So I was thinking perhaps something has triggered your feelings and maybe if you can figure out what it was such a trigger it can lead to healing?
Just an idea...maybe way off base....it sounds like you may know what the triggers are so maybe the question is why they are so triggering?
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Just an idea...maybe way off base....it sounds like you may know what the triggers are so maybe the question is why they are so triggering?
They trigger me cos they are things I can do absolutely nothing about. It's beyond my ability to change the situation I find myself in now. I've tried. Unfortunately I got left with all the responsibility and all the debt while exah lives life on his own terms and does as he pleases. I am pushing 60 and disabled, have a severely autistic adult son to care for and am being ostracised by 3 of my adult kids for "crimes" they have never actually voiced. If they told me what I had done I maybe able to put it right but they have no idea when asked by their siblings who still speak to me .It's hard to imagine things will ever get better. I struggle at the unfairness of it all at the moment. My head goes over and over it all...
They trigger me cos they are things I can do absolutely nothing about. It's beyond my ability to change the situation I find myself in now. I've tried. Unfortunately I got left with all the responsibility and all the debt while exah lives life on his own terms and does as he pleases. I am pushing 60 and disabled, have a severely autistic adult son to care for and am being ostracised by 3 of my adult kids for "crimes" they have never actually voiced. If they told me what I had done I maybe able to put it right but they have no idea when asked by their siblings who still speak to me .It's hard to imagine things will ever get better. I struggle at the unfairness of it all at the moment. My head goes over and over it all...
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As I see it it's recovery because I recognize and identifying my sadness. I have been ostracized by my in laws for things they think I did. I have no way to control their uncontrollable thoughts. They want to feel that way at the current time. I screamed in my rural house the other day. How unfair it was. My best defense is making my life the happiest best that I can. I think happy people draw happy people.
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My best defense is making my life the happiest best that I can. I think happy people draw happy people.
I try to be happy but in all honestly my life isn't happy. It's made worse by others who just think I can up sticks and do what I want and get angry with me when I explain why that can't happen. ie I really want to live in Europe but my sons refuse to entertain the idea. I can't leave them here and they are not independent and one never will be so I am stuck. I've noone to leave him with. Exah is still drinking his life away and his siblings cannot take him. I get stick for it periodically.
I try to be happy but in all honestly my life isn't happy. It's made worse by others who just think I can up sticks and do what I want and get angry with me when I explain why that can't happen. ie I really want to live in Europe but my sons refuse to entertain the idea. I can't leave them here and they are not independent and one never will be so I am stuck. I've noone to leave him with. Exah is still drinking his life away and his siblings cannot take him. I get stick for it periodically.
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I think I worked out why I won't let anyone close to me anymore. It's simple really. Everyone I have has hurt me...a lot. My exes, most of my kids ( that was the worse), my parents and my extended family have all treated me like rubbish and my only defence was to walk away. I was the whipping boy for all that happened. This is not only my view of this but the opinion of people who have seen it happened and my life at the time. So putting myself "out there" is not happening. I can't make myself vulnerable again and after 4 years I doubt I will now. My son is exasperated with me. He says this man is a good man who loves me and I am a fool to turn him away but I can' t change how I feel. I am going through a generally very sad phase at the moment. I see post after post here of people trying to make it work with AH and AW/partners etc and I want to scream take your precious kids and leave. They are not worth it. The active alcoholic will not thank you for sacrificing your life. Your kids will hate you after growing up with it. Do not end up like me. A friend of mine committed suicide this week. She'd lost everything too. Her life and mine were mirrors. Same s88t. different day. I won' t off myself but it made me realise just how hard it is sometimes to keep going. For all of us to keep going and try and grow stronger and somehow repair. Love to all xx
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LadyBird…..to day, I remembered this passage from "The Prophet".
I thought it might give you some comfort....It is about our children
On Children, The Prophet, a poem by Kahlil Gibran with animation and sound
I thought it might give you some comfort....It is about our children
On Children, The Prophet, a poem by Kahlil Gibran with animation and sound
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Ah....no one can hurt us like someone we love....and generally speaking we love our family members....so it really really bites, doesn't it?
Recurring thoughts, memories are hard to get rid of sometimes. But I've recently been spending some time trying to find ways to redirect my "thinking" when it gets into territory and just stays there and I don't want it to be occupying so much of my headspace.
So what to do? Well, you've written about it here and I think writing is so therapeutic. We understand, we get it, old hurts can come back around when things are triggered....
So, one thing that helps me is to try and overcome the "inertia" I feel when my "thinking" feels like it's in a rut......::[ I don't necessarily want to just repress things and stuff them. On the other hand I don't want to get into a mental rut.]
So I sometimes just make a little change of scenery....such as going to the store and I open myself up to whatever I might encounter there and the interractions with other customers and clerks. I come to realize that they may have similar struggles and I'm not alone....and then something comes out of their mouth; something they say .... that sort of snaps me out of the funk.
One day as I was doing the grocery shopping my checker started talking to me about a long time struggle he had and what he did to overcome it....he's standing there ringing up my groceries and telling me all about this obstacle and after I left with my groceries I realized...."Wow. I needed to hear that.". It helped me get on with my day....There are people in this world who could hinder us....but there are so many people who can help us....I believe in this, I really do. But, for myself, I need to go ahead and keep my heart soft and open, even when I'm afraid it might hurt.
Hang in there, Lady. This is all part of the healing and it's not linear.
Recurring thoughts, memories are hard to get rid of sometimes. But I've recently been spending some time trying to find ways to redirect my "thinking" when it gets into territory and just stays there and I don't want it to be occupying so much of my headspace.
So what to do? Well, you've written about it here and I think writing is so therapeutic. We understand, we get it, old hurts can come back around when things are triggered....
So, one thing that helps me is to try and overcome the "inertia" I feel when my "thinking" feels like it's in a rut......::[ I don't necessarily want to just repress things and stuff them. On the other hand I don't want to get into a mental rut.]
So I sometimes just make a little change of scenery....such as going to the store and I open myself up to whatever I might encounter there and the interractions with other customers and clerks. I come to realize that they may have similar struggles and I'm not alone....and then something comes out of their mouth; something they say .... that sort of snaps me out of the funk.
One day as I was doing the grocery shopping my checker started talking to me about a long time struggle he had and what he did to overcome it....he's standing there ringing up my groceries and telling me all about this obstacle and after I left with my groceries I realized...."Wow. I needed to hear that.". It helped me get on with my day....There are people in this world who could hinder us....but there are so many people who can help us....I believe in this, I really do. But, for myself, I need to go ahead and keep my heart soft and open, even when I'm afraid it might hurt.
Hang in there, Lady. This is all part of the healing and it's not linear.
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Beautiful poem dandlion.
Ladybird, I know exactly what you mean. I thought that I had this defense where I would just shut out certain people as in I could even be around them but they couldn't "get to" me.
I now wonder if that's not a more general thing with me.
Instead of using boundaries it's easier to just say hold onnnnnnn - I'm just going to back away from this.
When you are the one always attempting to fix everything, you don't get the care from others that you need and secondly it gets taken for granted (or appears to). I say "appears to" as people who tend to be carers also tend to push help and caring from others away. That results, of course, in people thinking - well I'm not going to offer help because they always say no - etc.
It's complicated and my head doesn't want to deal with it lol
But I get what you mean for sure.
Sorry I have no great words of wisdom. Did you have alcoholism in your family of origin?
Ladybird, I know exactly what you mean. I thought that I had this defense where I would just shut out certain people as in I could even be around them but they couldn't "get to" me.
I now wonder if that's not a more general thing with me.
Instead of using boundaries it's easier to just say hold onnnnnnn - I'm just going to back away from this.
When you are the one always attempting to fix everything, you don't get the care from others that you need and secondly it gets taken for granted (or appears to). I say "appears to" as people who tend to be carers also tend to push help and caring from others away. That results, of course, in people thinking - well I'm not going to offer help because they always say no - etc.
It's complicated and my head doesn't want to deal with it lol
But I get what you mean for sure.
Sorry I have no great words of wisdom. Did you have alcoholism in your family of origin?
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trailmix, I think, makes a GREAT point. Something that I have observed, in people, since I have been knee-high.
She says----"people who tend to be carerers, also, tend to push help and caring from others, away"...…
For a variety of possible reasons, I assume....
I believe that it is just as important to ask for and receive from others, as it is to give to others.
I believe that we see examples of that every single day, here on SR....
LOL...I am not going to mention any names...especially, CentralOhioDad…..!
She says----"people who tend to be carerers, also, tend to push help and caring from others, away"...…
For a variety of possible reasons, I assume....
I believe that it is just as important to ask for and receive from others, as it is to give to others.
I believe that we see examples of that every single day, here on SR....
LOL...I am not going to mention any names...especially, CentralOhioDad…..!
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No, definitely don't mention CentralOhioDad!
I agree that it's important to receive from others. The thing is after years of not doing that people don't. Not because they don't care but because they don't want to make you unhappy/uncomfortable (I think).
I know one reason, as you say there are probably many. One reason if someone is caring about you or helping you then you become a burden, you can't be helping them if they are helping you.
It's totally not martyr-ish it's that darn fixing thing.
I agree that it's important to receive from others. The thing is after years of not doing that people don't. Not because they don't care but because they don't want to make you unhappy/uncomfortable (I think).
I know one reason, as you say there are probably many. One reason if someone is caring about you or helping you then you become a burden, you can't be helping them if they are helping you.
It's totally not martyr-ish it's that darn fixing thing.
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579 
I think I worked out why I won't let anyone close to me anymore. It's simple really. Everyone I have has hurt me...a lot. My exes, most of my kids ( that was the worse), my parents and my extended family have all treated me like rubbish and my only defence was to walk away. I was the whipping boy for all that happened. This is not only my view of this but the opinion of people who have seen it happened and my life at the time. So putting myself "out there" is not happening. I can't make myself vulnerable again and after 4 years I doubt I will now. My son is exasperated with me. He says this man is a good man who loves me and I am a fool to turn him away but I can' t change how I feel. I am going through a generally very sad phase at the moment. I see post after post here of people trying to make it work with AH and AW/partners etc and I want to scream take your precious kids and leave. They are not worth it. The active alcoholic will not thank you for sacrificing your life. Your kids will hate you after growing up with it. Do not end up like me. A friend of mine committed suicide this week. She'd lost everything too. Her life and mine were mirrors. Same s88t. different day. I won' t off myself but it made me realise just how hard it is sometimes to keep going. For all of us to keep going and try and grow stronger and somehow repair. Love to all xx
I think you did a great job identifying what was going on....definitely an opportunity for growth I think.
So the trigger maybe was this man wanting to get to know you. And now that you've recognized it I think you'll have opportunity for growth. I did this all the time in therapy I'd recognize the trigger and then slowly and sometimes without even realizing it I'd feel myself reacting differently the next time the trigger hit. At the very least I'd feel less panicked the next time the trigger hit since I could realize it.Maybe in a few weeks you'll feel yourself feeling differently and say a casual hi to this man who knows. Or maybe there will be someone else later when you're feeling more ready. Or maybe it's that you need to do smaller steps...maybe start getting closer to some female friends first. Now that you know the trigger and the issue opportunities for growth are abound. JMO.
With my dating (and the the trigger I mentioned of mine) I just decided to step back a while on dating, with the new baby and new house and my personal success I'm not ready to share. It may be I need to make some ground rules, and boundary breakers (like someone mentioning moving into my house LOL...I still can't believe that happened). But I'm going to make an effort to stay on the dating site maybe do a bit of casual chatting and then maybe next time there's an opportunity I'll be more ready.
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I think recovery ebbs and flows. I know for myself, when my anxiety is up, about anything, it seems to cause my own recovery to slip. I have to stay on top of that, all the time. It gets tiring that it all has to be such an effort. However, that is life. You will come out on the other side and be glad of the effort you put into your own recovery choices.
Huge, huge, hugs.
Huge, huge, hugs.
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I think I do push people away. I remember when my mum was dying in hospital the 2nd time ( she didn't actually at that point but we thought she was), my older kids all came to the hospital on the train with me and I stood in the A & E with earphones in playing loud music blanking out my daughters. I remember cutting them off cos ah, who was at home, had been really nasty about is going to the hospital and completely horrible and unsupportive. My go to was withdraw. I know now he was hoping to drink all day but cos our younger sons were at home he had to look after them instead and my mum dying was a massive inconvenience to him. My withdrawal really upset one of my daughters in particular. She has a row with ah on arrival home and said "My mom won't let anyone near her cos of you. She thinks if you can't be nice to her who will be?"
The poem is lovely Dandy Thank you.
I self isolate. I know I do. I rarely leave the house anymore. I can do everything on a computer. I can even order my meds and get them delivered now. A friend persuaded me to try online dating. She know men are thin on the ground where I live and thought a bit of fun dating would cheer me up. anyhow I joined a site. LOL What a disaster. I had a fairly amusing 3 days seeing what type of men I attract. Then I left. They seemed genuine. It was a Christian dating site and they seemed really nice. I can't make the leap tho and that's OK. Got to try and be kind to myself.
Last night I got invited to some friends for dinner. I don't know them well and I was having panic attacks over going but I forced myself and had a really lovely evening. Small steps...
The poem is lovely Dandy
Thank you.I self isolate. I know I do. I rarely leave the house anymore. I can do everything on a computer. I can even order my meds and get them delivered now. A friend persuaded me to try online dating. She know men are thin on the ground where I live and thought a bit of fun dating would cheer me up. anyhow I joined a site. LOL What a disaster. I had a fairly amusing 3 days seeing what type of men I attract. Then I left. They seemed genuine. It was a Christian dating site and they seemed really nice. I can't make the leap tho and that's OK. Got to try and be kind to myself.
Last night I got invited to some friends for dinner. I don't know them well and I was having panic attacks over going but I forced myself and had a really lovely evening. Small steps...
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I know now he was hoping to drink all day but cos our younger sons were at home he had to look after them instead and my mum dying was a massive inconvenience to him.
I self isolate. I know I do. I rarely leave the house anymore. I can do everything on a computer. I can even order my meds and get them delivered now.
Last night I got invited to some friends for dinner. I don't know them well and I was having panic attacks over going but I forced myself and had a really lovely evening. Small steps...
Last night I got invited to some friends for dinner. I don't know them well and I was having panic attacks over going but I forced myself and had a really lovely evening. Small steps...
You are free from this man and you deserve to be happy, you really do. Your friends inviting you over for dinner should be a good thing and even though you overcame your fear, wouldn't it be nice to have it be just a "good thing".
Anyway, I know where you are coming from because I've been there and I didn't get help until I was almost healed and I should have because it probably wouldn't have taken so long and been such a struggle.
One other thing, besides maybe looking for those support groups, when someone offers you help, try to say yes.
Also, while everything is available on the web, including deliveries, it's a good idea to go out and do those things. As small as they seem, it's really, really important not to isolate, even doing these small things will help.
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The situation with my mum was the tip of the iceberg. Nothing touched exah at all in regard to any upset that wasn't his own. My cousin I grew up with died at the same time and I was devastated. He was only 47 but had an un-diagnosed heart condition. All my exah did was accuse me of being attracted to him and that is why I was upset. He was my cousin! Loads of awful things happened but he wasn't interested. The final straw was he fractured my shoulder while drunk by dropping a very heavy piece of furniture on my outstretched arm. I was even more isolated after that. It was easier to close down.
I would really recommend reaching out for some help. I don't know if you see a therapist at all?
I've never seen a therapist of any sort. Am in the UK and they are either very expensive or the waiting list to see them on the NHS is months and months long unless we are happy to have an email version which I don't want. Even if we get to the top of the list there is no guarantees we will be allocated one either knowledgeable about the problems alcoholism bring to families or even in a place that is accessible. ie I went on the list and a year later was offered sessions in a village miles away at night with no public transport to it. I couldn't go so.
I should try to go out more. I have few reasons to go tho. I see virtually no one. My few friends here work long hours and have busy lives. Also I am sole carer to my adult autistic son. It's difficult to go out as he won't. Last night I had to leave him but I only went a few minutes walk away. Am sure things will get better tho.
I would really recommend reaching out for some help. I don't know if you see a therapist at all?
I've never seen a therapist of any sort. Am in the UK and they are either very expensive or the waiting list to see them on the NHS is months and months long unless we are happy to have an email version which I don't want. Even if we get to the top of the list there is no guarantees we will be allocated one either knowledgeable about the problems alcoholism bring to families or even in a place that is accessible. ie I went on the list and a year later was offered sessions in a village miles away at night with no public transport to it. I couldn't go so.
I should try to go out more. I have few reasons to go tho. I see virtually no one. My few friends here work long hours and have busy lives. Also I am sole carer to my adult autistic son. It's difficult to go out as he won't. Last night I had to leave him but I only went a few minutes walk away. Am sure things will get better tho.
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I think some of the way I feel is grief. I've forgiven my exah now so I've nothing to be angry about and I hid behind feeling white hot anger for a very long time. I clung to it like a child's blankie. It's gone now leaving me exposed to other feelings like sadness and anxiety and hurt. I have had to deal with them, and like my exah, I don't deal with feelings very well. He numbs his with alcohol and drugs. I tried to numb mine with aggressive feelings. It easier to feel angry and have a rant then feel let down and hurt and say actually I need to have a good cry and a hug. I get where that comes from in me. My FOO were never touchy feely or huggy or cared if I was sad. It was easier to be angry. I just need to somehow stop being like that and be honest with myself and give myself permission to feel whatever I want.
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