WifeofAddict25

Hey friends,

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Hope all are well. Update on my situation and I could use some input: My AH, who seemed to successfully remain sober through 60 days of IP detox and rehab and another 60 days of IOP, seems to have relapsed in the last week. He is clearly using something; is not himself yet again, and has lied to me point blank about many things lately, including the nature of his relationships with women he met in detox, his use of any substances, etc.

I’m at my limit and all of my boundaries have now been crossed. I can’t go on living with a liar. I feel so sad and disheartened that my husband has this disease but after losing almost everything in his life he continues to use substances with withhold truth from me, even when I made it very clear to him how important truth, above all else, is to me.

I’m ready to ask and file for divorce. I cannot stay married to a man I do not truly know nor whom I trust. I also feel any more time, energy and resources I share with him just enables him.

Question: When I bring up my wanting the divorce, should I be brutally honest and tell him I cannot be with him anymore because he has not stuck with his treatment plan, has lied, I can’t trust him, etc., or should I “keep it simple” and just say I want a divorce and I think we have grown apart? I want to be kind but not enabling. Any advice welcome. Thanks!

I’m happy to share I’m finally at a place where I can envision a lovely future for myself without AH in my life. It’s taken a long time to get here, but here I am.

suki44883

Well, you don't have to "ask" for a divorce. You can tell him that you have decided to file for divorce and, if he asks why, I would be honest with him and tell him the truth.

trailmix

I would do whatever you want to do, in terms of saying what you like to him. If you would like to be brutally honest, then do that.

Stay true to yourself. That's a lot of what this is all about isn't it?

For myself, personally, I would tell it like it is.

I'm glad you see your way forward as being happy, it will be!

dandylion

WifeofAddict…...I vote for the whole truth.....
Remember the saying...from AA, I think----"Say what you mean; mean what you say; but, don't say it mean."

The whole truth won't destroy him any more that a delicate, partial truth....
It is probably "hurting " you more than him, anyway...Remember that he has his old friend, the alcohol, to take the edge of uncomfortable feelings...while, you are facing it "straight up".....

Down deep, he knows the score, anyway...although, he will probably deny it....

OpheliaKatz

I like what dandylion said. You can opt to say what you mean or keep it simple, but maybe if you just get it over with and say what you mean, you won't feel like having to revisit the issue later. You have to be true to yourself.

Addicts always have a way to keep going, regardless of what happens to them. Got to keep chasing the high, so got to keep going. This is going to be harder for you than him.

Be strong!

BoxinRotz

When i told my soon to be ExAH he told me I have 1 day to get out. I've been homeless since the 3rd. Just be prepared for anything.

CentralOhioDad

I think the answer depends on how you think he might react. If he would be vindictive and wipe out accounts and move them to his name only, etc., then just file and not let him know. Once he gets served, he won't be able to do that, without being in contempt, so you might be slightly more protected. There is no law that says you have to give him fair warning.

Just my $0.02

COD

firebolt

If I had to do it all over again, I'd probably move out while he's at work, and then leave a not that says - I'm not happy, we both deserve better, I am divorcing you.

biminiblue

I've moved out while they were away twice. I've helped a few women do the same. I was in fear of them, though. They were abusive (and I wasn't married to either one, but I probably would have had to do the same thing due to abuse - even if I was married.)

I think it all depends on how the finances are going to shake out and if there is fear of violence. If there are any joint assets or if there may be support coming, I think:

1. Get an attorney. Discretion!
2. Say nothing until you have a good plan, backed by a legal plan. He can strip away all your joint assets if you don't do it right.

AnvilheadII

as others have suggested, have all YOUR ducks in a row first.....papers drawn up, finances secured, a firm timeline, a firm plan. expect the WORST, hope for something slightly better.

maia1234

Woa,
I also would visit a couple divorce attorneys. Make a plan on what you want to do. I personally would not leave the home as it is hard to get back in and at least you would know if the bills were getting paid and you can save the house from a future "foreclosure". If he wants to hide stuff, break stuff or sell your stuff, you are present in the home.

This is about you, not him. Once you are educated on your plan, you can say here's the deal. ... blah blah. You aren't telling him this to threaten him to get sober. You are telling him you want a divorce because you are mentally and physically done. So if you are not 100% in on the divorce don't threaten, or state it. I am sure he has heard it before and just laughs at you, and doesn't believe what you are saying.

Education is power, and do your homework. Divorce is a long process, put away money, and start another checking account. Make copies of documents that you might need in the future. You can do this, just make it in your hands, not his. It could get ugly and A's get angry. But if you are prepared, it wont matter. Hugs my friend. Scariest think I have ever done after 34 years together, but grateful it is over, 3 1/2 plus years free and clear!!

CoParentToA

I read a book once that said you should ask for a divorce by stating, "This isn't working for me any more." Meet any protests / arguments with "Because it isn't working."

I went through endless rounds of fruitless discussion with an ex who wanted to know why, argued with me, begged to save the marriage, etc. For weeks. Eventually I got to a point where I could just articulate that it wasn't working FOR ME, and that's all that mattered - and he couldn't talk me out of that.

Agree 100% that you should visit an attorney first.

atalose

You want to be kind? You want to say you have grown apart? And you want to say all of this to a man who you say is clearly using something, lies to you and has a questionable new relationship with a woman he met in IOP. You don’t need permission from the person who is hurting you in order to leave them. What happens if he says no? then what’s your next move? What happens if he won’t move out? There are many factors to consider and lots of plans on your part that need to be in place first before you announce you are leaving, not asking for permission to.

WifeofAddict25

Thanks for the helpful tips! Agree with pretty much everything you all shared. I am making my plans and talking to attorneys as I type. Got my new bank account set up. I will not bring this up with him until MY plans are final. I am 125% sure I want a divorce. No question there.

I agree; I do not have to "ask" for divorce and the simple fact that I used the word "ask" is (sadly) symptomatic of my still-recovering (hello, PTSD!) mindset regarding this man. This man has successfully manipulated me for 3 years (although we have only been married for 7 months) and it's going to take me some time to get rid of my distorted thinking. He uses constant triangulation with other women, verbal and emotional abuse, and lies to try to control me and I now see clearly through all of his manipulation over the years.

It's funny, I actually work in healthcare, and for the longest time I forgave all of his abuses and hurt because "he had an illness." At long last, I am done with making any excuses for his behavior and choices... and for mine. I mean, I was part of getting where I am, too, and I am so thankful I have finally found myself --and self love-- again.

Since he is drinking again (and hiding it) and I think possibly using some kind of drug, you are right-- I should be prepared for anything. Fortunately, I have family nearby and can stay with them if needed. Also, I pay all of our bills so I'm not under his thumb financially. I wish this could be amicable but given his mental status I am pretty sure it will not be. Thankful that the only asset we share is a house.

I'll take all the prayers and mantras you can send. Thank you all. There is such wisdom among you! This will be my first and only divorce. Onward and upward.