KllyCO

My boyfriend is a (semi) high functioning alcoholic. He has a 16 year-old daughter who has also been getting caught drinking and smoking weed. Her mother lives a few hours away and is unreliable as well. The rest of his family lives half the country away, and while they talk often, he visits with them in person only once a year or so. I’m not sure they understand the extent of the issues out here, but I have reached out to his brother, whom I don’t know well at all, but is well-loved and respected the the alcoholic. I want someone else to know how badly things are going for him and his daughter, particularly as I have decided I will be moving away and leaving this relationship as I have a daughter as well who in no way needs to be a part of any of this. I would like to know if you have experience talking with family members about alcoholism. I would like to know what the best way to discuss this with him is. I really do care about him and his daughter, and think this is the last and best thing I can do for them so I would like my talk to be as productive as it can be. Brother is responsible and not a drinker at all. Advice please?

Mango212

The best thing I've been able to do for others who want to drink, use drugs, etc. is to simply walk away.

Stating I'm very uncomfortable with the drinking, and anything else, is often helpful for me in owning my feelings and using my voice. Reaching out to family members has back-fired for me, again and again.

Sometimes it's felt good at first. Over time I realize it often caused issues that come back to hurt me and never wound up solving any problems that I perceived to be going on.

I spent time arranging, helping, talking, thinking I could help. Truth is, if someone doesn't want help, nothing I or anyone else does can change that. Once someone reaches the point of internally, deep inside them, wanting help, AA meetings are held worldwide by people who have a program of recovery, with great experience, strength and hope.

KllyCO

I understand no one can change him but himself which is why I am leaving. His daughter is the real concern and why I think I need to let his brother know what is really going on since they are not here to see it.

Aeryn

I agree with Mango that talking to family likely won't help but if you want to do it for your piece of mind I would suggest doing it after you've left/broken up with him. That way you'll be away from the backlash that could happen.

atalose

First off, what has your BF said about his drinking issue when you have talked to him about that? What are his thoughts on his daughters behavior and what are his plans moving forward regarding that?

KllyCO

he admits he is an alcoholic. I’ve made it a point to call a spade a spade with him. He is unwilling to seek professional treatment. His reaction to his daughter is anger and avoidance. I talked with her after a blow up a few weeks back and she told me she knows he is an alcoholic and is tired of feeling like she need to take care of him and tired of being the “bigger person” in dealing with his drunken behavior. However, she is loyal to him as he raised her as a single dad so she feels like it’s a betrayal to “rat him out” to the rest of their family. So I want to do it, ao he can be mad at me and not her, but it will allow her to discuss with her uncle and grandmother. Do you think I’m right? It’s a **** situation all around

biminiblue

I wouldn't say anything at all...because I would want to mitigate future trouble.

If I am breaking up with someone, their issues are no longer on my plate. I have no desire to enmesh myself with an Ex's family. The daughter's issues are for her to sort out as well. She's almost an adult - there is no good that will come from meddling here.

They are going to side with him/her, and it sounds vindictive to me. Like, "You've messed me up, this breakup is on you - I'm going to have the last word and drop this bomb."

They will find out if it's meant to be. Let go and let God.

atalose

Yeah, it is a **** situation but one you are walking away from. I’m just not sure how his brother or family could possible help him or her given her loyalty to her dad and them not living in the area.

I know we always feel we need to place them into someone else’s hands when we leave. I think that has to do with our own unhealthy guilt we have.

If the daughter were say 8 or 10 then yes contacting family might be the way to go but this girl is 16. But I see that you have already reached out to the brother, maybe if he does get back to you, you can simply say your relationship with him is ending due to his excessive drinking and that you hope they can keep an extra eye on the daughter.

Berrybean

I was that daughter, and I know that if someone else had ratted on him I wouldn't have hesitated to defend him, even if it meant telling lies. By that age I'd been conditioned. Maybe you could find out about the local AlATeen meetings and give her the details so she can go get support with other kids in the same boat if she chooses, and let her know that there are ither support groups as well, that she'd be able to access in a year or so (AlAnon and ACoA to name a couple).

BB

Sasha1972

Under many circumstances this wouldn't be your problem, but if there's a child involved (even a 16-year-old child), I think telling the brother is a good thing to do. I would wait until after you're out of the relationship and then keep it very factual - e.g. "on March 23, X was arrested and charged with impaired driving" or "Stepdaughter was suspended three times in the month of April for having marijuana in her locker". Sticking to facts makes you sound more reliable and less like a vindictive ex trying to stir up trouble.

And don't expect to hear back from the brother. He may thank you for the information or he may be really defensive of his brother or he may just go silent - in either case, you've done what you can do and you can move on in good conscience. Don't get entangled in this family's effort to figure out what to do about X.

DontRemember

I'd leave it to them to work out and say nothing. A simple "she's crazy" will negate anything you say to his family. Especially when his daughter will be on his side. Just get your daughter and yourself out and focus on that.