One Minute He's a Car... Then He's a Robot (story).
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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One Minute He's a Car... Then He's a Robot (story).
This is something that happened today. I saw an alcoholic turn on a dime. He was horrible one minute and "not horrible" the next. Here we go:
I was on public transport going home. A young man in a fancy jacket walked in and was looking for a seat. Initially, I thought, what a fun, fancy sports coat. That's a unique sports coat. He probably is a very interesting person, I thought. It was a fitted maroon and black houndstooth blazer worn with a teal polka dot button front underneath. This was the Cher Horowitz of men's blazer combos.
So this fancy jacket man was looking for a seat. There was plenty of room everywhere, plenty of empty seats. In front of me were an elderly couple, probably in their late 70s. They were your average, basic elderly couple. They had canes, newspapers, hats, sensible shoes, white hair, were an average weight, a little tall, maybe, but average... just generic "older people". This fancy man walked between them to sit down, and then he put his brief case on the empty seat next to him, shoving it into the old man. The man told him that if he removed his brief case, it would free up the seat for other people who might want to sit down, because there were a lot more people coming. The fancy man took his bag away and said, "F*** OFF, YOU FAT F*****!"
He said a few more mean things, was very aggressive, and the old man said, "Young man, that is rude, that is rude behavior. Don't behave like that." The fancy man continued to abuse the elderly couple, calling them things like "fat", "ugly", and a few more things I can't type here. He was really quite horrible. The old woman, who had been quiet, then said, "You're being very disrespectful." This was really too much for the fancy man -- a woman told him off! So the fancy man became even more aggressive and as a result, the elderly couple decided to get off the train entirely to get away from him. After they got off the train, a few more people came in (another old lady... and a few people, probably tourists) and sat next to the fancy man. Suddenly the fancy man started smiling and making small talk and trying to impress them... and they found him really charming. While they were laughing at his jokes and cooing over how polite and culturally sensitive he was, I saw him sneakily drink the entire contents of a mini-sized mouth wash bottle. He quickly tucked it into his jacket and continued to entertain the people next to him while I watched him carefully. I saw him continue to take sips of a clear liquid from a bottle of what was supposed to be mineral water (but probably wasn't). Every few minutes, he would take another sip. He held the bottle strangely with both hands, like he was cradling it, like it was a baby. His complexion was quite ruddy too. His eyes were... wrong. The fancy jacket was really like... a distraction.
Now my mother and I have had a lot of experience around addiction, which is unfortunate. And my mother was sitting next to me. I turned to her and said, "He's an addict." She said, "Yes, I see that." Then she said, "He's also a transformer toy. One minute he's a car, next minute he's a robot."
So every time you wonder why people can't see that your friend/spouse/sibling drinks like a fish and then acts horrible... it's probably because they're being conned by someone who has made an art of it.
I was on public transport going home. A young man in a fancy jacket walked in and was looking for a seat. Initially, I thought, what a fun, fancy sports coat. That's a unique sports coat. He probably is a very interesting person, I thought. It was a fitted maroon and black houndstooth blazer worn with a teal polka dot button front underneath. This was the Cher Horowitz of men's blazer combos.
So this fancy jacket man was looking for a seat. There was plenty of room everywhere, plenty of empty seats. In front of me were an elderly couple, probably in their late 70s. They were your average, basic elderly couple. They had canes, newspapers, hats, sensible shoes, white hair, were an average weight, a little tall, maybe, but average... just generic "older people". This fancy man walked between them to sit down, and then he put his brief case on the empty seat next to him, shoving it into the old man. The man told him that if he removed his brief case, it would free up the seat for other people who might want to sit down, because there were a lot more people coming. The fancy man took his bag away and said, "F*** OFF, YOU FAT F*****!"
He said a few more mean things, was very aggressive, and the old man said, "Young man, that is rude, that is rude behavior. Don't behave like that." The fancy man continued to abuse the elderly couple, calling them things like "fat", "ugly", and a few more things I can't type here. He was really quite horrible. The old woman, who had been quiet, then said, "You're being very disrespectful." This was really too much for the fancy man -- a woman told him off! So the fancy man became even more aggressive and as a result, the elderly couple decided to get off the train entirely to get away from him. After they got off the train, a few more people came in (another old lady... and a few people, probably tourists) and sat next to the fancy man. Suddenly the fancy man started smiling and making small talk and trying to impress them... and they found him really charming. While they were laughing at his jokes and cooing over how polite and culturally sensitive he was, I saw him sneakily drink the entire contents of a mini-sized mouth wash bottle. He quickly tucked it into his jacket and continued to entertain the people next to him while I watched him carefully. I saw him continue to take sips of a clear liquid from a bottle of what was supposed to be mineral water (but probably wasn't). Every few minutes, he would take another sip. He held the bottle strangely with both hands, like he was cradling it, like it was a baby. His complexion was quite ruddy too. His eyes were... wrong. The fancy jacket was really like... a distraction.
Now my mother and I have had a lot of experience around addiction, which is unfortunate. And my mother was sitting next to me. I turned to her and said, "He's an addict." She said, "Yes, I see that." Then she said, "He's also a transformer toy. One minute he's a car, next minute he's a robot."
So every time you wonder why people can't see that your friend/spouse/sibling drinks like a fish and then acts horrible... it's probably because they're being conned by someone who has made an art of it.
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This was the Cher Horowitz of men's blazer combos.
And yep to everything else. My sister can be the most charming person ever, and there are even days where I am conned. But this is the same woman who expects my aging parents, one with cancer, the other recovering from lymphoma, to take care of her teenaged children while she performs (and most likely smokes pot) with her band on the nights that she has custody. If we didn't live so far away, we would be taking care of her children.
I'm angry, but I also am beginning to feel sorry for her. Do her children love her? I'm sure they do. Do they respect her? That's another story entirely.
At the end of the day, my sister banks on pity to get by. In principle, that's not necessarily wrong. But when you treat compassion as a means to an end so you can shed your responsibilities for no good reason, then that's just being cruel and calculating.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart 
And yep to everything else. My sister can be the most charming person ever, and there are even days where I am conned. But this is the same woman who expects my aging parents, one with cancer, the other recovering from lymphoma, to take care of her teenaged children while she performs (and most likely smokes pot) with her band on the nights that she has custody. If we didn't live so far away, we would be taking care of her children.
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Really interesting story and a really good example.
When we talk about manipulation it seems rather evil and calculated. I think, from my experience, that it isn't always so calculated.
Based on what I've observed it is just part of them. As you mention OpheliaKatz that maturation has stalled. Sometimes people depict these kinds of people as some kind of evil mastermind of manipulation and that's always kind of bothered me (you haven't at all, just thinking out loud here).
They aren't evil masterminds, these are just the coping mechanisms and social "skills" they have and they use them to the best of their ability to get by.
I have to ask, did no one come to the defense of the elderly couple?
When we talk about manipulation it seems rather evil and calculated. I think, from my experience, that it isn't always so calculated.
Based on what I've observed it is just part of them. As you mention OpheliaKatz that maturation has stalled. Sometimes people depict these kinds of people as some kind of evil mastermind of manipulation and that's always kind of bothered me (you haven't at all, just thinking out loud here).
They aren't evil masterminds, these are just the coping mechanisms and social "skills" they have and they use them to the best of their ability to get by.
I have to ask, did no one come to the defense of the elderly couple?
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. If I were a 13-year-old saddled with adult responsibilities, and I wasn't a wise-beyond-my-years tween, I might develop some pretty nasty self-destructive habits too...
I try very hard to go "There but for the grace go I" on so many occasions but it is hard to do that with her. And then part of me, the angry part of me, thinks "Aren't you sick of this crap? Aren't you tired of making crappy choices? Aren't you tired of running away when things get hard?"
I was lucky that I had my books. I was lucky that I was biologically wired just enough to shoot my mouth off and tell people what I really thought of them when my parents begged me to be polite.
Yet here I am. On this board. Eternally pissed off and angry.
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How accurate. XAH screams “you are pathetic” at me one minute, and very gentleman like next - in front of people
Most people were under impression that he was the most doting husband, while my walls had holes in them courtesy of his fist
Most people were under impression that he was the most doting husband, while my walls had holes in them courtesy of his fist
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I have to ask, did no one come to the defense of the elderly couple?
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I have to ask, did no one come to the defense of the elderly couple?
A woman had her baby in a stroller. As he was yelling at me, he caught sight of the baby. He alternated between apologizing to the mom for exposing the child to curse words and verbally haranguing me. It was actually kind of funny.
I held no hostility for the people in that subway car. He was a lunatic.
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
It's occurred to me that these are people that have never grown up. I know some people say that maturation stalls at the age where the addiction took root, but maybe in some cases, it's just a case of a person who never grew up for various other reasons. Children are naturally narcissistic, right? Usually they grow out of it by the time they go off to college or get their first job out of high school... usually. If I were a 13-year-old saddled with adult responsibilities, and I wasn't a wise-beyond-my-years tween, I might develop some pretty nasty self-destructive habits too... . I don't think, personally, that I would ever become an addict but I could imagine become a little tyrant.
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That kind of stopping-on-a-dime transformation is pretty scary. I know that alcoholism and sociopathy are very different things, but it reminds me of how sociopaths (real ones, not just run of the mill mean people) can switch personalities on and off. I have encountered this up close with a sociopath (not my ex, in case anyone's wondering ...) and the only giveaway was, as OKatz notes, the eyes. In this case, the protracted eye contact.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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They aren't evil masterminds, these are just the coping mechanisms and social "skills" they have and they use them to the best of their ability to get by.
Oh no, I'm sure my ex is an evil genius... because one has to be really immature to cultivate genius that is evil. Becoming a master at anything takes work. Becoming an evil mastermind takes a lot of very specific work. I'm not saying he can't change his ways... if he wanted to... and redeem himself before the second coming.
I have to ask, did no one come to the defense of the elderly couple?
I think most people were a little afraid. Also, not everyone knew what was going on.
Oh no, I'm sure my ex is an evil genius... because one has to be really immature to cultivate genius that is evil. Becoming a master at anything takes work. Becoming an evil mastermind takes a lot of very specific work. I'm not saying he can't change his ways... if he wanted to... and redeem himself before the second coming.
I have to ask, did no one come to the defense of the elderly couple?
I think most people were a little afraid. Also, not everyone knew what was going on.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
You bring up an excellent point Ophelia. My sister was sexually abused (I was not) and it is chilling to see how much she parrots her sexual abuser. Then you add all this stuff with Junot Diaz. I also dated someone who was sexually abused by a priest. It only lasted a month or two - he had a lot of demons.
I try very hard to go "There but for the grace go I" on so many occasions but it is hard to do that with her. And then part of me, the angry part of me, thinks "Aren't you sick of this crap? Aren't you tired of making crappy choices? Aren't you tired of running away when things get hard?"
I was lucky that I had my books. I was lucky that I was biologically wired just enough to shoot my mouth off and tell people what I really thought of them when my parents begged me to be polite.
Yet here I am. On this board. Eternally pissed off and angry.
I try very hard to go "There but for the grace go I" on so many occasions but it is hard to do that with her. And then part of me, the angry part of me, thinks "Aren't you sick of this crap? Aren't you tired of making crappy choices? Aren't you tired of running away when things get hard?"
I was lucky that I had my books. I was lucky that I was biologically wired just enough to shoot my mouth off and tell people what I really thought of them when my parents begged me to be polite.
Yet here I am. On this board. Eternally pissed off and angry.
Acting poorly is a choice. It is always a choice. It's not because of your trauma, your drugs, your dog ate your homework, or your quack-the-quack. People can choose to grow up or not. People can choose to go to therapy for their demons. I did. I learnt that sexual abuse affects the behavior of the entire family, not just the victim, and that the entire family ends up with demons somehow -- it really messes up their relationships with each other... and then to other people too.
I hope no one thinks I'm making excuses for addiction by saying that sometimes people are just immature. I'm in no way making excuses. I'm sure that to some extent, we are affected by our biology, but then we can also be affected by our ability to make the right choices.
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
We could have a choir of rants. The Sober Recovery Oratorio.
Great post, OpheliaKatz!! I have been on public transport, too, and witnessed something similar. It's kind of amazing that once that radar gets turned on, you become so much more attuned to it!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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I forgot to add that the saddest part of the whole incident is that when the old couple got up to leave the carriage, the fancy man started to slow clap and said, "go on, that's right, you're a real hero, a real hero!" He then looked around at everyone and smiled as if he thought he was doing us a favor. He basically bullied two old people so they had to leave the train... and then he clapped as they got off.
If I had been in a good position, I would have filmed it and passed it on to the authorities... but I was sitting behind him, at a weird angle.
If anything good has come out of my experience it's that I now have a "radar" for drunks and addicts.
If I had been in a good position, I would have filmed it and passed it on to the authorities... but I was sitting behind him, at a weird angle.
If anything good has come out of my experience it's that I now have a "radar" for drunks and addicts.
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