On a Precipice - lakegirl is back!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 78
Thank you, dandylion, for your honesty.
Funny isn't it, how my sharing the contingency plan with him undoubtedly triggered those uncomfortable life emotions that he doesn't know how to handle without alcohol.
So now, as I've heard around the forum many times before.......
"More will be revealed."
He will either begin to learn how to handle these uncomfortable emotions and reach out to his group and sponsor, OR....I'll end up using the plan.
At least I know what I will do. That's all I can do.
Thanks, everyone.
Funny isn't it, how my sharing the contingency plan with him undoubtedly triggered those uncomfortable life emotions that he doesn't know how to handle without alcohol.
So now, as I've heard around the forum many times before.......
"More will be revealed."
He will either begin to learn how to handle these uncomfortable emotions and reach out to his group and sponsor, OR....I'll end up using the plan.
At least I know what I will do. That's all I can do.
Thanks, everyone.
Lakegirl…..it takes a lot of courage to look ahead and have a plan to follow, if you should need it. Knowing that your welfare and that of your children is your guiding principle is a valuable thing....
Keeping your support people close will be very important for you....This path is too hard to walk alone....the more human connections, the better....
I hope that you will continue to post here...and, sharing your story with others....
And....keep reading and studying....Knowledge is powerful....
We all have m ore courage inside than we really know....we never know how much courage we have until courage is the only option.....and, then, it comes forward at just the moment we need it to.....
Keeping your support people close will be very important for you....This path is too hard to walk alone....the more human connections, the better....
I hope that you will continue to post here...and, sharing your story with others....
And....keep reading and studying....Knowledge is powerful....
We all have m ore courage inside than we really know....we never know how much courage we have until courage is the only option.....and, then, it comes forward at just the moment we need it to.....
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Lakegirl,
I once read about a family where the father had a mental illness that was being treated yet was still unpredictable. He decided to move out in order to protect his children and give them more stability within their home.
The alcoholic voice wants to protect the disease rather than looking out for children. Yet, if the result becomes the same, perhaps I can open my heart to gifts God brings to me, even (or especially) when they aren't the ones I was asking for.
My husband has always refused to leave the home and I've needed to leave with our son.
No one path, yet many new opportunities. The saying 'more will be revealed' has become a good thing. I'm not to be forever left in limbo. I get to take care of myself, child and this day at hand. More is revealed in timeframes that gives me new recovery skills to deal with life in new ways.
Mango
I once read about a family where the father had a mental illness that was being treated yet was still unpredictable. He decided to move out in order to protect his children and give them more stability within their home.
The alcoholic voice wants to protect the disease rather than looking out for children. Yet, if the result becomes the same, perhaps I can open my heart to gifts God brings to me, even (or especially) when they aren't the ones I was asking for.
My husband has always refused to leave the home and I've needed to leave with our son.
No one path, yet many new opportunities. The saying 'more will be revealed' has become a good thing. I'm not to be forever left in limbo. I get to take care of myself, child and this day at hand. More is revealed in timeframes that gives me new recovery skills to deal with life in new ways.
Mango
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Yes, I see where you are coming from.
I guess this is just out of my realm of experience. I have never invited someone else in to a relationship I am in.
That is not to say that I haven't discussed relationships with trusted others, I certainly have.
This is going to be blunt so please forgive that, I don't mean it in any confrontational way. Your plan sounds manipulative. Like trying to make him face up to his problem. Come clean to a third party. Humble himself. Forcing/expecting someone to do that is unfathomable to me. Even if none of that is true, at the very least, you are still setting up an expectation which will probably not come to fruition.
I do wish you well, it's a tough situation you are in.
I guess this is just out of my realm of experience. I have never invited someone else in to a relationship I am in.
That is not to say that I haven't discussed relationships with trusted others, I certainly have.
This is going to be blunt so please forgive that, I don't mean it in any confrontational way. Your plan sounds manipulative. Like trying to make him face up to his problem. Come clean to a third party. Humble himself. Forcing/expecting someone to do that is unfathomable to me. Even if none of that is true, at the very least, you are still setting up an expectation which will probably not come to fruition.
I do wish you well, it's a tough situation you are in.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 78
I'm a little baffled.
My contingency plan is there for me in case something happens that I CAN'T control.
He can actually control if that happens or not. He decides. If he chooses to have a "contingency plan", that just tells me he's planning on giving me a reason to activate my own plan.
Does anyone see this logic as twisted?
I'm not telling him, "you WILL tell my parents or else!". That's not what's happening here.
I said hey, it could help keep your relationship with my parents intact if you talk to them instead of me. This makes sense to me and not as a manipulation. I really fail to see how that is manipulative in any way. Hey honey, here's your opportunity to do this. Just because someone might feel humiliated doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do. The point is so that 1) he can see someone he already has a relationship with, find out about the truth 2) and yet show him love as a reaction, not shame. You're only as sick as your secrets.
My contingency plan is there for me in case something happens that I CAN'T control.
He can actually control if that happens or not. He decides. If he chooses to have a "contingency plan", that just tells me he's planning on giving me a reason to activate my own plan.
Does anyone see this logic as twisted?
I'm not telling him, "you WILL tell my parents or else!". That's not what's happening here.
I said hey, it could help keep your relationship with my parents intact if you talk to them instead of me. This makes sense to me and not as a manipulation. I really fail to see how that is manipulative in any way. Hey honey, here's your opportunity to do this. Just because someone might feel humiliated doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do. The point is so that 1) he can see someone he already has a relationship with, find out about the truth 2) and yet show him love as a reaction, not shame. You're only as sick as your secrets.
Lakegirl….I don't see his logic as "twisted"...in the context of him being an alcoholic who is still fighting with his "alcoholic voice". I see it as very logical, for him. I completely do get it that this seem impossible for you to get your head around. You, after all, are not an alcoholic.....and, he is....
To you, I am sure this seem like simple logic, to do the things that you would like for him to do....You don't have the alcoholic brain....that has suffered the change in your neurotransmitters, that an alcoholic has. His goals are not your goals....in that he needs to keep the relationship with alcohol...that helps him deal with life, and the feelings that come with it. To think of never having a drink, ever again, feels like a "death" sentence, to an alcoholic
To you, I am sure this seem like simple logic, to do the things that you would like for him to do....You don't have the alcoholic brain....that has suffered the change in your neurotransmitters, that an alcoholic has. His goals are not your goals....in that he needs to keep the relationship with alcohol...that helps him deal with life, and the feelings that come with it. To think of never having a drink, ever again, feels like a "death" sentence, to an alcoholic
Lakegirl……..
The Addict's Dilemna
I hope that you will read the above article.
Why his brain is different than yours, is explained, at the biologic level, in the following book...."The Addicted Brain"....by Michael Kuhar…
you can get it on amazn.com....at a cheaper price, if you get a used one....
The Addict's Dilemna
I hope that you will read the above article.
Why his brain is different than yours, is explained, at the biologic level, in the following book...."The Addicted Brain"....by Michael Kuhar…
you can get it on amazn.com....at a cheaper price, if you get a used one....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 78
I do not want to override his right to talk to my parents about his addiction. They are barely a third party in my mind. We have a very close relationship with them. We just moved out of their house after over half a year of living with them (we were in between selling our house and remodeling the new one). They definitely witnessed some very suspicious activity of his and both of my parents asked me in different ways if things were ok. I was a poker player and revealed nothing because I was in denial and was too proud to admit anything. So they are more involved in this situation than perhaps the average in-laws.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 78
Lakegirl….I don't see his logic as "twisted"...in the context of him being an alcoholic who is still fighting with his "alcoholic voice". I see it as very logical, for him. I completely do get it that this seem impossible for you to get your head around. You, after all, are not an alcoholic.....and, he is....
To you, I am sure this seem like simple logic, to do the things that you would like for him to do....You don't have the alcoholic brain....that has suffered the change in your neurotransmitters, that an alcoholic has. His goals are not your goals....in that he needs to keep the relationship with alcohol...that helps him deal with life, and the feelings that come with it. To think of never having a drink, ever again, feels like a "death" sentence, to an alcoholic
To you, I am sure this seem like simple logic, to do the things that you would like for him to do....You don't have the alcoholic brain....that has suffered the change in your neurotransmitters, that an alcoholic has. His goals are not your goals....in that he needs to keep the relationship with alcohol...that helps him deal with life, and the feelings that come with it. To think of never having a drink, ever again, feels like a "death" sentence, to an alcoholic
And that is what I tell myself when I encounter the brain scrambling that is his logic. I remind myself that his brain is literally not working correctly.
Lakegirl….one of the things that is pointed out, in the readings that I have suggested is this----For the alcoholic, there is a war raging inside their head at all times...24/7....between their own self and the alcoholic self (voice)….it goes on , even when they look completely normal, from the outside.
This is caused, basically, by changes in the mesolimbic pathways of the brain...
It is a real thing!
Because of this, it is difficult for the alcoholic to have a relationship with himself....because of the control that alcoholism has inside the brain...much less, dealing with relationships with other people (even those he may love).
This goes for wife, children, etc. If you could see inside h is head...you would be shocked at the turmoil that goes on, in there...
Personally, I think that to expect him to go to your parents, to foster a deeper relationship with them, at this time, is very unrealistic...no matter how ideal it might sound, in theory....
for the alcoholic who is trying to white knuckle it...that probably feels about as important to him as the price of tea in China, right now.....
Alcohol is in control of him, right now....and it is a battle that he will have to fight for himself....as no one else can control him.....
He is not doing what he is doing to be obstructive or to hurt you...he is doing what the disease leads him to do...that is why it is called alcoholism....
This is caused, basically, by changes in the mesolimbic pathways of the brain...
It is a real thing!
Because of this, it is difficult for the alcoholic to have a relationship with himself....because of the control that alcoholism has inside the brain...much less, dealing with relationships with other people (even those he may love).
This goes for wife, children, etc. If you could see inside h is head...you would be shocked at the turmoil that goes on, in there...
Personally, I think that to expect him to go to your parents, to foster a deeper relationship with them, at this time, is very unrealistic...no matter how ideal it might sound, in theory....
for the alcoholic who is trying to white knuckle it...that probably feels about as important to him as the price of tea in China, right now.....
Alcohol is in control of him, right now....and it is a battle that he will have to fight for himself....as no one else can control him.....
He is not doing what he is doing to be obstructive or to hurt you...he is doing what the disease leads him to do...that is why it is called alcoholism....
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 78
Thanks, Dandy.
I was finally able to read your suggested materials. Reading is so hard to get to with kids around! I found myself reading the same paragraphs over and over again! haha
All of the information makes sense to me. I get "it".
I'm certainly not going to pressure him into telling my parents. Since tossing out the initial suggestion of it, I haven't breathed a word of it and I won't. It won't be helpful.
My therapist has mentioned a lot of what was mentioned in those articles (how the specific parts of the brain are affected by addiction, the inability to have a relationship with himself.....).
So anyway, my overnight bag for me and the kids has been packed and is ready. Just need to figure out a time to talk to Mom and Dad...
Thanks for everything.
More to come.....
I was finally able to read your suggested materials. Reading is so hard to get to with kids around! I found myself reading the same paragraphs over and over again! haha
All of the information makes sense to me. I get "it".
I'm certainly not going to pressure him into telling my parents. Since tossing out the initial suggestion of it, I haven't breathed a word of it and I won't. It won't be helpful.
My therapist has mentioned a lot of what was mentioned in those articles (how the specific parts of the brain are affected by addiction, the inability to have a relationship with himself.....).
So anyway, my overnight bag for me and the kids has been packed and is ready. Just need to figure out a time to talk to Mom and Dad...
Thanks for everything.
More to come.....
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