Found a home at an Al anon Meeting
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 30
Found a home at an Al anon Meeting
I want to thank everyone for replying. When I get stronger I hope to share advice I'm sorry if it seems all about me. They let me tell my story and nobody is supposed to say anything afterwards but people were in awww and wow like wow that was difficult and painful fto hear. I can only imagine how your feeling. I didnt mention the assualt i kept straight to what I was there for getting help for me.
I know some people said inpatient is a good option but for me it's not unless im really at that point. My therapist is fantastic told me a long time ago what was coming and to run and that's not love. We tried coping mechanisms, gratitude, church they all helped but when he called I came running and enabling. Going inpatient they load you up on benzos especially if you have ptsd and anxiety and being an empath or a martyr or savior complex you usually walk out of there w a borderline personality diagnosis. I hate you don't leave me type thing. Benzos are addictive and I can't let a drunk, with no car, no job, no $ who already calls me crazy, tapped, bipolar send me into the cuckoo asylum only to come out worse. I'm not borderline but since the assualt I guess anyone to help the loneliness was better than the pain by myself.
It gets bad at night I can't sleep. I'm 24 hours full NC with him having no way to reach me except through my mother's house phone but I'm going there tomorrow and unplugging it she doesnt use it anyway. I have sucessfully gone no contact with prior boyfriends in the past and never looked back.
I know I sound like I'm 2 beers short of a six pack. Calling him makes me dry heave, have the runs, and hyperventilate all while being called pyscho and crazy, and a *****. My sleep will return at some point correct? Read, write, watch movies, exercise, work, eat good, and get myself back. Going back to him I will lose it all correct? Job, sanity,apt, and will be in inpatient loaded up on xanax or ativan which is booze in a pill. I dont need addiction as another problem. Please hit me with tough love, hit me in the head, I can take it. Run. Im doing the 100 day challenge today was all about me. Tomorrow is day 99. I structured my entire day if I cant sleep dont lay there with selective amnesia of the good times. My head has a full time prosecutor and lacks a defense attorney. Even on benadryl 50 mg at night I'm in worry. Get up wash the dishes, write, do something my gym is 24 hours. Thank you for reading. I'm stronger than I think. It's only 11 months, no kids, he has no car, no finances, and according to his family is on his way to the grave. Stay busy correct?
Thank you!
Confused in MA but trying to help myself
I know some people said inpatient is a good option but for me it's not unless im really at that point. My therapist is fantastic told me a long time ago what was coming and to run and that's not love. We tried coping mechanisms, gratitude, church they all helped but when he called I came running and enabling. Going inpatient they load you up on benzos especially if you have ptsd and anxiety and being an empath or a martyr or savior complex you usually walk out of there w a borderline personality diagnosis. I hate you don't leave me type thing. Benzos are addictive and I can't let a drunk, with no car, no job, no $ who already calls me crazy, tapped, bipolar send me into the cuckoo asylum only to come out worse. I'm not borderline but since the assualt I guess anyone to help the loneliness was better than the pain by myself.
It gets bad at night I can't sleep. I'm 24 hours full NC with him having no way to reach me except through my mother's house phone but I'm going there tomorrow and unplugging it she doesnt use it anyway. I have sucessfully gone no contact with prior boyfriends in the past and never looked back.
I know I sound like I'm 2 beers short of a six pack. Calling him makes me dry heave, have the runs, and hyperventilate all while being called pyscho and crazy, and a *****. My sleep will return at some point correct? Read, write, watch movies, exercise, work, eat good, and get myself back. Going back to him I will lose it all correct? Job, sanity,apt, and will be in inpatient loaded up on xanax or ativan which is booze in a pill. I dont need addiction as another problem. Please hit me with tough love, hit me in the head, I can take it. Run. Im doing the 100 day challenge today was all about me. Tomorrow is day 99. I structured my entire day if I cant sleep dont lay there with selective amnesia of the good times. My head has a full time prosecutor and lacks a defense attorney. Even on benadryl 50 mg at night I'm in worry. Get up wash the dishes, write, do something my gym is 24 hours. Thank you for reading. I'm stronger than I think. It's only 11 months, no kids, he has no car, no finances, and according to his family is on his way to the grave. Stay busy correct?
Thank you!
Confused in MA but trying to help myself
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
I'm glad you found a meeting where you felt heard and accepted. Maybe try a few? The more the better at this point. It really does sound like you have all the answers already. The tough part is applying them.
So to start where you started, you have spoken to your therapist who sounds like they gave you sound advice and coping mechanisms which you said helped a bit.
That's all good except they only helped a bit and didn't really help you change your thinking or approach to this relationship. I'm not blaming anyone here, not the therapist and certainly not you. Just pointing out that it is perhaps time to have new approaches and to really, REALLY embrace the tools you have been given.
No one can stop you from seeing him. That is your choice. You need to choose no contact for yourself and then apply those tools and work those ideas for recovery from this relationship and separating yourself from him.
My suggestion would be to practice saying no. Say no to picking up the call if he does manage to get through, say no to answering emails or texts.
Say no to letting yourself be hurt further. Also you might want to say no to running yourself ragged, give yourself a bit of a break here. You do need to rest as well and winding down and using deep breathing etc might help with that. Even if it's just for a few minutes a day to start, perhaps when you are trying to get to sleep.
The truth idontgetit is that YOU are your biggest defender, you need to look after yourself be kind to yourself and know that you deserve so much more.
So to start where you started, you have spoken to your therapist who sounds like they gave you sound advice and coping mechanisms which you said helped a bit.
That's all good except they only helped a bit and didn't really help you change your thinking or approach to this relationship. I'm not blaming anyone here, not the therapist and certainly not you. Just pointing out that it is perhaps time to have new approaches and to really, REALLY embrace the tools you have been given.
No one can stop you from seeing him. That is your choice. You need to choose no contact for yourself and then apply those tools and work those ideas for recovery from this relationship and separating yourself from him.
My suggestion would be to practice saying no. Say no to picking up the call if he does manage to get through, say no to answering emails or texts.
Say no to letting yourself be hurt further. Also you might want to say no to running yourself ragged, give yourself a bit of a break here. You do need to rest as well and winding down and using deep breathing etc might help with that. Even if it's just for a few minutes a day to start, perhaps when you are trying to get to sleep.
The truth idontgetit is that YOU are your biggest defender, you need to look after yourself be kind to yourself and know that you deserve so much more.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 30
TY Trailmix
It's day 99 im doing the challenge. Everyday an al anon group if I can, its summer where I am the great outdoors, see if my therapist can get me in twice a week, pace myself, work and do the best I can. I'm powerless over my assault and my ex AB only person who has the steering wheel is me. I'm sure this will hurt like hell at first but burying an alcoholic or still being in this at 44 ten years later would be much worse. I must confess my mind does wander to the child's mother and i feel jealously as they are most likely on the verge of getting back together I don't know how as she is ready but when the husband is gone she sleeps with him. They both drink, cops have been called in the 3.5 years they were together, and she likes to lunge and bite him. I cant control it..........................i got him a job he failed, got him tdi he spent in 3 days at the package store, i was there for one year through it all and boy writing it down omg it was hell on earth. If they do rekindle how long will that last and both are incapable of love. So time to get out in the fresh air there is nothing i can do.........................................he loves the bottle more than his daughter and has told me many a times yea ill die from this but I dont care well if you dont why do I. Time to put these coping skills into place, and prayer and face everything and run or face everything and rise. I know ill have setbacks but I'm not going on a powerdialing crazy spree cause I really do look nuts when I do that so that gives him something to use against me. I hope he beats the disease but sadly he's like 20 years in at 36................................................ ..enough about him i know im still preoccupied with him its only day 2 NC i know it will get better. I stayed with a narcissist for 7 years I'm 3 years NC! He had a harem of supply it was pyschological warfare, smear campaign, gaslighting and all that fun stuff I was in my 20's then. I always say in your 20's give yourself a free pass you were young. I'm hitting mid thirties time to get it together. If inpatient is needed I will go but I think I need to self soothe. I want to get better. Blessings. TY have a fantastic day!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Day 99, sounds like you have a good plan. Good for you!
Yes you are focusing on him and yes that is normal at this early stage. As you know from your separation from a NP person, you can do it and it does get better.
Self soothing is great, it's a great tool to have and the more you practice the better it will get.
Why do you care about the alcoholic. Well, he is still a person, although by all accounts not a very nice person. Your compassion for him is misplaced. Sympathy might be more appropriate. Feel sorry for his lot in life but don't take on his feelings, his despair his hurt, it's a losing game. You can't care someone in to caring.
The truth is, this is his chosen path in life, right/wrong, good/bad, it should be irrelevant to you. He has made his choices. He has chosen to live with them. In all cases it's a good idea to respect someone's choices.
You've read stories here on SR, probably, where parents have children who are addicts. Of all the people in the world you can and should protect, your children are those people. And yet with addiction that is nigh on impossible. Even parents have to let their children go out in to that world and respect their choices.
There is nothing pretty about any of this, nothing heartening but at least you can assure yourself that you have respected his choices and that in itself is a good thing.
Keep posting, keep us updated. I hope your therapist will be able to see your more and your idea of trying to get to an Al-Anon meeting every day is terrific.
Yes you are focusing on him and yes that is normal at this early stage. As you know from your separation from a NP person, you can do it and it does get better.
Self soothing is great, it's a great tool to have and the more you practice the better it will get.
Why do you care about the alcoholic. Well, he is still a person, although by all accounts not a very nice person. Your compassion for him is misplaced. Sympathy might be more appropriate. Feel sorry for his lot in life but don't take on his feelings, his despair his hurt, it's a losing game. You can't care someone in to caring.
The truth is, this is his chosen path in life, right/wrong, good/bad, it should be irrelevant to you. He has made his choices. He has chosen to live with them. In all cases it's a good idea to respect someone's choices.
You've read stories here on SR, probably, where parents have children who are addicts. Of all the people in the world you can and should protect, your children are those people. And yet with addiction that is nigh on impossible. Even parents have to let their children go out in to that world and respect their choices.
There is nothing pretty about any of this, nothing heartening but at least you can assure yourself that you have respected his choices and that in itself is a good thing.
Keep posting, keep us updated. I hope your therapist will be able to see your more and your idea of trying to get to an Al-Anon meeting every day is terrific.
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