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Old 06-05-2018, 06:59 AM   #1 (permalink)
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what should I do with my alcoholic and depressed partner


Where to begin? we've been together one and half year, we met in New Zealand when we were both travelling there on a working holiday visa. He was honest to me at the beginning, said hes an alcoholic for 5 years and he has depression since he was a teenager. He want to quit drinking, and he never deny his alcoholism. we've always been travelling in the past year, since we come from different country, kind have to, all the visa problems. We fight a lot over alcohol. He start being physically and mentally abusive. I start being crazy also. Every time he got a bottle, I try to pour it out, then we get into a fight, next morning well hold each other crying and say sorry hell never drink again.. then, it happen again. he drink and we fight/argue from nz to china, then Indonesia. there were somedays he did really good without drinking, but never last more than 2 weeks. always some bad thing happen, to became his new excuse to start drinking again. now we are in Australia doing working holiday.. He become so mad recently, at everything, got fight with people after drunk at night, then got himself in trouble. I have realized i'm in an abusive relationship for a while, but it's so hard to let go, so hard to give up on him, to watch him suffer, I want to help so bad, but don't know how. we were trying to find a place to settle down, get a job, which, he said would help him a lot. but we just couldn't make it yet when we still travelling. and his mind set is he won't stop drinking until we settle down. but I can't deal with he drinking anymore, it drives me crazy, I thinking about breaking up all the time, and so many hurtful things he put on me, I'm mentally destroyed..but , who is going to help him? I'm the only one he has, I feel so selfish, but meantime I know it's the right choice for both of us. he is not only an alcoholic, he is in depression too. and I know partner's support means a lot to him. but, when I'm so mad at him drinking and when we argue so much, it dose't do any good for him. I tried to calm down, I searched a lot stuff online, I learned a lot, but when thing happened we do stupid things we couldn't control our anger... im so lost, so confuesed ,,don't know what to do? what's right? I just want to make the best choice for him, he needs more help than me. I'm still strong, positive, looking for a way out, for us, him and myself...but I'm so lost , and helpless..
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Old 06-05-2018, 10:25 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by lishiwuyong View Post
I just want to make the best choice for him, he needs more help than me.
One of the first things you'll learn here is that YOU can't make the best choice for HIM. He has to do that for himself. You are not his parent or his keeper. He is an adult and has the right (and I would say the responsibility) to make his own choices. He also gets to experience the results of the choices he makes.

Regardless of who "needs more help", I'd encourage you to read around the forums here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. I'd also strongly suggest getting yourself to an Alanon meeting for some face-to-face support and education about alcoholism.

Your job is to help yourself, not to save someone who pretty clearly doesn't want to be helped, at least not now.
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Old 06-05-2018, 11:52 AM   #3 (permalink)
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He start being physically and mentally abusive. I start being crazy also. Every time he got a bottle, I try to pour it out, then we get into a fight, next morning well hold each other crying and say sorry hell never drink again.. then, it happen again
Don't let anyone abuse you. Get out of this relationship. That's my advice.

Not only is he a drinker, he is physically violent with you. That's dangerous.

If nothing else you need some time away from this situation so you can think clearly. Sometimes when we are in an unstable situation our thinking becomes unclear and we do not make the best decisions. Can you perhaps go home for a few months and think about what you really want to do?
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Old 06-05-2018, 01:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Leave. What we learn -- often the hard way -- is that there is nothing we can say or do to effect an active alcoholic's drinking. Alanon was a life saver for me, gave me the courage to take necessary actions.
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Old 06-05-2018, 06:54 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi thank you so much for your replies, I left. stay in friend's place now. I know it is right choice to do to leave him. But things would be easier if he is just an alcoholic not in depression. he is so alone, far away from families and home, I'm the only friend/ girlfriend/family he has, he needs someone to talk to, at least when we are together, he would try not to drink, but when he is alone, he just totally don't care... how can I leave and just watch all that happen?
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Old 06-05-2018, 07:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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What he needs is the help of professionals in the fields of addiction and mental health. There is plenty of such help out there if he can summon the willingness to seek it. That's not something you can do for him.

And please do not convince yourself that you had any positive or negative impact on his drinking at all. If only we were so powerful that our mere presence could cure another person's addiction, this forum would not exist.
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Old 06-05-2018, 07:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
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If you leave him for reals you will not have to witness his destruction. Also, if you leave he might have to really take a good long look at why you left and realize how destructive his drinking is and get real help for his depression.

But, abuse is abuse is abuse. He's abusive, whether he drinks or not. You've tried to help him, It' hasn't worked. You can't fix him. Stay away from him and save yourself. Alcoholism is progressive. Abuse tends to get progressively worse as well.
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Old 06-05-2018, 08:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by lishiwuyong View Post
Hi thank you so much for your replies, I left. stay in friend's place now. I know it is right choice to do to leave him. But things would be easier if he is just an alcoholic not in depression. he is so alone, far away from families and home, I'm the only friend/ girlfriend/family he has, he needs someone to talk to, at least when we are together, he would try not to drink, but when he is alone, he just totally don't care... how can I leave and just watch all that happen?
Easier if he is just an alcoholic? Not really. Alcoholism gets worse when not treated, not better. People need to drink more and more and they do!

Also he has hit you, it's not ok for someone to hit someone else. Would you rather be with him or a man that respects you and is kind and caring?

The thing is, he is not just an alcoholic, he also suffers from depression. As SparkleKitty says, he needs professional help, a Doctor, a counsellor a psychiatrist, you can't help him with this.

As for his alcoholism, he said he can stop when you "settle down", well that seems unlikely unless he gets some kind of help.

He is already mentally and physically abusing you and he hasn't gotten any help, what makes you think stopping travelling will somehow help? He is a grown man, if he needs to be near family he can get on a plane and fly home.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it (the 3 C's).

It might help to call the domestic violence hotline in Aus and just chat to someone about it:

https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help...SAAEgISpvD_BwE

You might want to look at some of the threads here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...olic-both.html (Abusive or alcoholic or both?)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Old 06-06-2018, 03:36 AM   #9 (permalink)
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thanks for your reply.
I might didn't explain that very well, I mean, if he is just an alcoholic, it would make it easier for me to leave, coz this may make him " touch the bottom" and decide to make a change.
but he is in depression, and this is not his fault, he suffer from that so many years, and how do I leave a depressed person alone when I know he needs me so god damn much? I break myself heart when I left, but I have to be strong.
and I want him to be strong. how? I care about this guy so ****** much. but what can I do?
I want to help, I want to be there when he need help, not as a girlfriend, just as someone,, to be there,,, but how?
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Old 06-06-2018, 03:57 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Good morning lishiwuyong. I hope that the other posters here don't mind me chipping in but speaking from the point of view as an alcoholic in recovery I'm afraid that you leaving him won't make him press that button and make the change. He has to give up drinking because he, personally, really wants to. The depression is, as you've rightly said, not his fault but fanning the flames with alcohol is adding to it deeply. He is a long term addict and you have given him plenty of opportunities to change yet he has ignored them. Until he does decide to stop it is extremely dangerous for you to be around him. He has hurt you both physically and emotionally and as long as he chooses to continue drinking he will continue to do so with terrify episodes of escalation. You have completely and utterly done the right thing in getting yourself out of danger. If he needed you that much he would have fought to keep you long before now by doing anything in his power to change his life and his attitude - including never picking up that bottle. Please stay away from him - no one can help him but himself. I wish you peace and happiness Yix x
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Old 06-06-2018, 02:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
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But things would be easier if he is just an alcoholic not in depression. he is so alone, far away from families and home,
Alcohol is a depressant and active alcoholics are loaded with despair and self-hatred. There's nothing you can do, it has to be his decision to get help. One of my favorite sayings: "let go or be dragged'
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Old 06-06-2018, 02:28 PM   #12 (permalink)
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thanks for your reply.
I might didn't explain that very well, I mean, if he is just an alcoholic, it would make it easier for me to leave, coz this may make him " touch the bottom" and decide to make a change.
but he is in depression, and this is not his fault, he suffer from that so many years, and how do I leave a depressed person alone when I know he needs me so god damn much? I break myself heart when I left, but I have to be strong.
and I want him to be strong. how? I care about this guy so ****** much. but what can I do?
I want to help, I want to be there when he need help, not as a girlfriend, just as someone,, to be there,,, but how?
Maybe the depression is not his fault. No one is suggesting he is to blame for that. But that's his deal. Has he actively sought real help for the depression? You've tried to help him and be there for him and it hasn't helped. And he's abusive to you. I know you care and won't stop caring. But your personal safety is at stake.

Alcohol is a CNS depressant and is making his depression worse.
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Old 06-06-2018, 03:39 PM   #13 (permalink)
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he is so alone, far away from families and home, I'm the only friend/ girlfriend/family he has, he needs someone to talk to,
Maybe there's a reason why he's so lonely. He may have driven people away. But that's his cross to bear, not yours.
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Old 06-06-2018, 03:58 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by lishiwuyong View Post
and how do I leave a depressed person alone when I know he needs me so god damn much?
he survived with it before you came along,right?

him NEEDING you- is that something you think or something he said?
if its something you think- he survived before you,right? and you havent been able to save him or get him to change yet have you?

if its something he thinks or said- its manipulation.
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Old 06-06-2018, 05:12 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I think that teatreeoil makes an excellent...about alcohol causing depression. So often, I hear people say that "he/she drinks to medicate the depression"...when, in fact, they are depressed because of the drinking...(due to the messed up dopamine and other neurotramsmitters, in the brain, messed up due to t he alcohol....
Not all forms of depression, of course...but, a cartload is.....
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Old 06-06-2018, 06:01 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Welcome lishi. I'm so very glad you found us and also sorry for what brings you here. Anyone of us can testify that you are doing the right thing and also that the pain involved in doing the right thing is horrible.

Yep alcoholism and depression definitely have a connection. Maybe it was depression first and then alcoholism; maybe it was alcoholism that brought on the depression. The horrible painful reality is that this may take his life and the horrible painful truth is that this is his choice to make of his own free will. Ugh.

Please please take care of yourself in every way you can. Many can not do what you are doing as it is just too hard.

Let us know how you get on.
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Old 06-06-2018, 06:41 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Hi Yixi, I really appreciate your reply, what you said means a lot to me, and I agree with you. thank you!
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Old 06-06-2018, 06:46 PM   #18 (permalink)
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I know your heart is getting tugged on awful hard right now. That's because you are a living, breathing, caring person. You feel he needs you and that too is understandable. You don't want to abandon him. We get it. We codies often need to feel needed and have a hard time letting go. But there comes a point with active addiction where the closest person to them gets just as sick as the addict; sometimes even more. I've found about one of the best things I can do is to somehow let go, love from a distance and pray for people because I believe in the power of prayer. If you don't believe in prayer....well, maybe just try to send out some healing thoughts his way. He's going to have be the one to actually stop drinking and no amount of fighting about it is going to make him stop.
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Old 06-06-2018, 08:25 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I think that's what I;m gonna do, love from a distance. we made a phone call today and talked a lot. I send him a email write a lot great opinion you guys posted here. I don't know if it's a good idea we are still in touch. for a relationship it makes it harder for him and me to let go, but for himself I think the good energy will reach him eventually. but I'm not sure.
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Old 06-07-2018, 10:32 AM   #20 (permalink)
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I'm the only friend/ girlfriend/family he has, he needs someone to talk to, at least when we are together, he would try not to drink, but when he is alone, he just totally don't care... how can I leave and just watch all that happen?

I travel a lot, all over. I stay in hostels and I have had problems along the way with people who have come into my life and have addiction problems of various sorts, some drug related, some alcohol and some both. Each and every time I have set a boundary and left these people to their own devices they have ALWAYS manage to get themselves home, or to the next place and made other friends and money to do it with. Even if they appeared to be flat broke, helpless and alone. You are not responsible for him, if he drinks or not or how he lives his life. Look on him as a travel buddy cos basically that is what he was. You did not live a settled normal life with him. He was also physically abusive..you do not want a person like that in your life.
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