Someone talk some sense into me ...
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
does SHE drink a lot?
i get that it's tricky when you two were friends before the "relationship" happened.....this might require some discussions and some boundary erecting. hopefully you guys have other ways you can engage besides just "going out" - esp when you already aren't much of a drinker.....that would make going to bars SUPER boring.....imho. there are so many ways you two can have fun times together!!!
i get that it's tricky when you two were friends before the "relationship" happened.....this might require some discussions and some boundary erecting. hopefully you guys have other ways you can engage besides just "going out" - esp when you already aren't much of a drinker.....that would make going to bars SUPER boring.....imho. there are so many ways you two can have fun times together!!!
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Originally Posted by trailmix
That said, you are in an abnormal situation. Picture yourself amongst these hardened drinkers. Put yourself in front of them, in a chair. They are in their chairs, drinking and laughing and getting drunk all around you.
Is there anything normal about that, I mean in relation to your life? I mean I don't know your life but i'm guessing you get up in the morning and go off to work and grab coffee and are greeted by people with a smile and a good morning?
That's normal.
Trying to fix someone's alcoholism, being surrounded by alcoholics, that's not normal. So your reaction to that:
Is a normal reaction for you, based on your experience(s).
For them, this is their life. They have probably been drinking since they were in their teens or earlier? Ex has no problem with his drinking and I'm going to guess Brother and perhaps other family has no problem his or their drinking either. It is the way it's always been.
If any of them do have a problem with it they may have detached from it long ago.
Dysfunction can be normalized. In fact if you lived in it for a few years, it would probably become normal to you too. If someone drank 10 drinks you wouldn't bat an eyelash at it.
Is there anything normal about that, I mean in relation to your life? I mean I don't know your life but i'm guessing you get up in the morning and go off to work and grab coffee and are greeted by people with a smile and a good morning?
That's normal.
Trying to fix someone's alcoholism, being surrounded by alcoholics, that's not normal. So your reaction to that:
Is a normal reaction for you, based on your experience(s).
For them, this is their life. They have probably been drinking since they were in their teens or earlier? Ex has no problem with his drinking and I'm going to guess Brother and perhaps other family has no problem his or their drinking either. It is the way it's always been.
If any of them do have a problem with it they may have detached from it long ago.
Dysfunction can be normalized. In fact if you lived in it for a few years, it would probably become normal to you too. If someone drank 10 drinks you wouldn't bat an eyelash at it.
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Let me get this straight: You went out to the bars partying with your ex's brother and sister and friends? Is that right? Why would you do that, especially if you are not much of a drinker yourself? At any rate, it doesn't sound like it was that great and maybe you weren't all that into it....so what can your "take a way" be from the experience. What can you learn and how can you grow? Well, one thing I can think of is the experience opened your eyes some more about just how MUCH those people can put down...a lot...and so that tells you a lot about them....and if you didn't enjoy the night, be thankful because it really comes to no good...really, it doesn't....
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Let me get this straight: You went out to the bars partying with your ex's brother and sister and friends? Is that right? Why would you do that, especially if you are not much of a drinker yourself? At any rate, it doesn't sound like it was that great and maybe you weren't all that into it....so what can your "take a way" be from the experience. What can you learn and how can you grow? Well, one thing I can think of is the experience opened your eyes some more about just how MUCH those people can put down...a lot...and so that tells you a lot about them....and if you didn't enjoy the night, be thankful because it really comes to no good...really, it doesn't....
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No apologies needed, but thanks....well....I'm sorry that outing seemed to have opened up the wound again....that's unfortunate. You said you had been doing well before that though, so to me that's a good sign you are generally speaking on a healing path. Maybe it was just too soon to be around the ex's siblings....I can see how that would open up old wounds...anything that reminds you of him....and of COURSE his siblings would...so, I don't know...I don't know how it's been since you broke up...but the healing can take awhile....it might take you awhile before you can be around things that remind you of him without feeling some pain...I'm sorry you're going through this....hang in there and maybe take back up where you left off in your path of healing....what kinds of things have you been doing to get over him?
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
Everyone in my ex's family seems so high functioning despite the heavy drinking. It's like this elephant in the room that nobody else notices but me! Makes you question your own sanity at times lol
Now I'm in my 60s I see the toll that it takes as they get older. There's a mental thing like cognitive decline, memory, early signs of dementia, depression, and the body starts showing accumulated damage. It's why I gave up heavy drinking in my 50s, even though all my tests came back fine.
When we were discussing smoking, my doctor told me 'at 20 you have the face you were born with, at 50 you have the face you deserve'.
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
You're so right. He is 39 years-old and still just wants to party. Who knows if he'll ever decide to get sober. I almost wonder if it will be that much harder for him if he does eventually because he's surrounded by so many heavy drinkers.
Slightly OT: I'm weary of people using the euphemism "to party" when what they really mean is to drug themselves to oblivion. I go to parties (it's originally a noun) to enjoy other people's company and hopefully enjoy free, delicious food. If I just wanted to indulge myself getting stoned, drunk, high, other people would just be an annoyance. I suppose the other folks doing the same allows me the assumption this behavior is normal.
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Originally Posted by velma929
Slightly OT: I'm weary of people using the euphemism "to party" when what they really mean is to drug themselves to oblivion. I go to parties (it's originally a noun) to enjoy other people's company and hopefully enjoy free, delicious food. If I just wanted to indulge myself getting stoned, drunk, high, other people would just be an annoyance. I suppose the other folks doing the same allows me the assumption this behavior is normal.
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Looking4clues-I think you likely need to stay no contact for awhile in order to heal from the breakup. And, "no contact" includes no contact with his friends and family...it might seem harsh at first, but that is what you probably need to do. It doesn't mean you can't still be friends in the future...but right now, it's just too close of an association.
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Looking4clues-I think you likely need to stay no contact for awhile in order to heal from the breakup. And, "no contact" includes no contact with his friends and family...it might seem harsh at first, but that is what you probably need to do. It doesn't mean you can't still be friends in the future...but right now, it's just too close of an association.
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How would one set a boundary for this? Just tell her I don't want to hear anything about my ex?
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
I never thought of it like this. Maybe the reason nobody talks about it/notices it, is because they're so used to operating that way that it seems standard. I come from a family of light or non-drinkers, but I've been around enough other social drinkers to know that my ex's family seems to drink a lot more than is typical
Nine drinks in two hours - if I did that, I would be on life support. Seriously, literally, I'm not sure I could survive that much alcohol, and I'm a very statistically "normal" drinker (about one unit of alcohol per week).
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Originally Posted by atalose
When you went out the other night did she mention her brother? Did she share information about him to you? Or was it just being out with her and the other brother that set you back with your own thinking?
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
I think you know what you need to know here. People in that family drink a LOT. Maybe it helps to think of the family as a subculture? In that family, the cultural norm is to go out and party (or stay home and drink steadily) all the time. This doesn't mean it's "normal" or okay, it just means that in this subculture, no one thinks it's odd or even worth noticing (think about all the customs or habits people that they absorb from the culture they live in - then think about traveling to another part of the world or another society, and how strange some of those behaviors would seem to the locals).
Nine drinks in two hours - if I did that, I would be on life support. Seriously, literally, I'm not sure I could survive that much alcohol, and I'm a very statistically "normal" drinker (about one unit of alcohol per week).
Nine drinks in two hours - if I did that, I would be on life support. Seriously, literally, I'm not sure I could survive that much alcohol, and I'm a very statistically "normal" drinker (about one unit of alcohol per week).
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Remember "no contact" includes no contact via a third party. But, I do understand, if you have some things that may be valuable to you that you need back.Maybe there is a way to get those things without coming into much contact with him.
As to setting boundaries: You could just honestly say to his sister, for example. " Being around you and your brother the other night caused me to feel some pain about our recent break-up. I need to not be around anyone or anything that reminds me of him if at all possible. I don't need to hear about him. I hope you understand. I'm just trying to heal and it's too soon."
I think it's good for your own internal convictions to be able to state something like that outright. Either they will understand or they won't. But you need to do what you need to do to heal....once healing has completed you will have built up a great toolbox for dealing with your future.
As to setting boundaries: You could just honestly say to his sister, for example. " Being around you and your brother the other night caused me to feel some pain about our recent break-up. I need to not be around anyone or anything that reminds me of him if at all possible. I don't need to hear about him. I hope you understand. I'm just trying to heal and it's too soon."
I think it's good for your own internal convictions to be able to state something like that outright. Either they will understand or they won't. But you need to do what you need to do to heal....once healing has completed you will have built up a great toolbox for dealing with your future.
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Another way to look at this is: What you went through with your ex and the events leading up to the break up is like a train that wrecked. Trains have various cars attached. Not all those cars are solely responsible for the train wreck, but by being attached to the train, they become part of the "wreckage", so to speak. It's not really on them...it's just who they are. They are his siblings.
Even though his sister has most likely always been a good friend to you and still wants to be.....perhaps without knowing it she is still a "symbol" of the disaster....the last remaining freight car of the train wreck. I'm not saying those folks are total wrecks, but for now....whether you want them to or not....they are grim reminders of what you just went through so recently....
Sometime in the future....can't say when....you'll hopefully be able to be around certain things without them being a negative association of your broken heart...
And by the way....I read what you've posted on how he treated you and it was terrible......drinking or no drinking....he treated you like crap.
Even though his sister has most likely always been a good friend to you and still wants to be.....perhaps without knowing it she is still a "symbol" of the disaster....the last remaining freight car of the train wreck. I'm not saying those folks are total wrecks, but for now....whether you want them to or not....they are grim reminders of what you just went through so recently....
Sometime in the future....can't say when....you'll hopefully be able to be around certain things without them being a negative association of your broken heart...
And by the way....I read what you've posted on how he treated you and it was terrible......drinking or no drinking....he treated you like crap.
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Another way to look at this is: What you went through with your ex and the events leading up to the break up is like a train that wrecked. Trains have various cars attached. Not all those cars are solely responsible for the train wreck, but by being attached to the train, they become part of the "wreckage", so to speak. It's not really on them...it's just who they are. They are his siblings.
Even though his sister has most likely always been a good friend to you and still wants to be.....perhaps without knowing it she is still a "symbol" of the disaster....the last remaining freight car of the train wreck. I'm not saying those folks are total wrecks, but for now....whether you want them to or not....they are grim reminders of what you just went through so recently....
Sometime in the future....can't say when....you'll hopefully be able to be around certain things without them being a negative association of your broken heart...
And by the way....I read what you've posted on how he treated you and it was terrible......drinking or no drinking....he treated you like crap.
Even though his sister has most likely always been a good friend to you and still wants to be.....perhaps without knowing it she is still a "symbol" of the disaster....the last remaining freight car of the train wreck. I'm not saying those folks are total wrecks, but for now....whether you want them to or not....they are grim reminders of what you just went through so recently....
Sometime in the future....can't say when....you'll hopefully be able to be around certain things without them being a negative association of your broken heart...
And by the way....I read what you've posted on how he treated you and it was terrible......drinking or no drinking....he treated you like crap.
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Originally Posted by atalose
Sometimes we have to think how important are the “things” that they have. Are they family heirlooms? Computer, cell phone, valuable jewelry? Or just some clothes and personal items that can easily be replaced.
No family heirlooms, thank goodness! But several of the items are things I can't replace, and would like back. Right after the breakup, he wanted me to come over and talk, but I didn't feel comfortable doing so. He got upset over that and then we didn't talk at all for several days. Then a week later, I offered to meet up and talk if he still wanted to (for closure because I'm still a friend of the family and hate the idea of not "clearing the air" - stupid idea I've since decided against) and he said sure, but our schedules conflicted (divine intervention probably). So I told him I just want my things back and just to drop them off on my doorstep and I'll leave the key to his place out for him as well. He says he'll bring them, but then he never does. It's really annoying.
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