Lostinthismess

Our adult daughter has finally told her Dad how she feels about the separation and soon to be divorce. My poor baby was to afraid to tell him how she felt because she feared he’d harm himself and she knew he’d go get drunk because of her opening up. She lives in another state and was here for a special occasion. They had planned a date but she canceled. I offered my car so she could meet him. I offered to drive her if she didn’t feel like driving. I even offered to go to dinner with her. I feel I went above and beyond what most stbx would do especially one who’s been hurt the way he hurt me. Being me, I just want to fix their relationship but I can’t. This is heartbreaking for me. To make matters worse our daughter suffers from anxiety and panic attacks. This entire situation has only made things worse for her. I’ve been fighting checking on him too. This is the 1st consequence he’s had to deal with when it comes to what he’s done and our daughter. I keep reminding myself that I didn’t do this, I didn’t cause what was done and I can’t fix it. Even a month ago I’d be trying to fix this. Now I see that if I tried to I’d just be pushing her feelings aside and basically showing her that her opening up wasn’t worth it. I’m heartbroken for her.

SparkleKitty

I'm sorry, Lost, this must be so hard to watch. Being there for your daughter is the most important thing you can do for her and for yourself.

Does she see a counselor for help with her anxiety and panic attacks?

Lostinthismess

Thank you so much Sparkle. She used to see a counselor but hasn’t in a couple years. I suggested to her that she should again. If it was up to me she’d be going to see someone. I am proud of her for finally letting some feelings out to her Dad. I hope she can continue to open up. Thankfully he told her he understands and he loves her. When she canceled on him she did it by text. After she sent her text to him she read it to me. I know his heart must’ve broke in two because mine did for both of them.

SparkleKitty

If he is suffering from a broken heart, then you can at least be confident in the knowledge that he brought this entirely on himself, that it is a natural consequence for failing to address his own issues. I know that doesn't make it feel better or easier, but accepting what is yours and what is others' is an important part of recovery.

Lostinthismess

Thank you, I needed that reminder. No matter how much I’ve worked on only letting my issues be mine. I’m thankful everyday to be further along in this recovery.

trailmix

I think you handled this really well. Your pain for you Daughter is perhaps something you might want to explore as well.

As you mentioned she is an adult. As such you really have very little control over how she feels and what she does (as it should be). Your pain on others behalf (empathy) can be destructive to you (in a nutshell).

You might want to explore the subject of Empaths and how you can build defenses for yourself. It's not really ideal to take on and feel others pain all the time. We can help others but shouldn't really carry that around, ideally.

Lostinthismess

Thank you Trailmix for the wonderful idea. I will look into learning about Empths. I know I’m guilty when it comes to feeling others pain.

FeelingGreat

Hi lost, Just a small suggestion that however you feel yourself, try to convey to your family and ex a sense of confidence that they can work through whatever they're feeling. I know with my own mother, that her worrying conveyed the feeling that we couldn't handle ourselves as adults.

My own DD has some big issues she is working through right now and I've told her that I admire her stability and good sense and I know she'll get through the pain and have a fantastic future. In reality my heart is sore for her, but what good would telling her that do?

hopeful4

Watching the actions of an addict hurt your children is the most painful thing in the world. My heart is with you and your daughter, and I send you huge hugs!

Lostinthismess

Thank you. I do need to trust that they’ll figure this out. Our daughter is back at her home. I realized that my response if I was him isn’t the same as he would do. I can’t force him to fix that relationship just as I can’t force him to sober up.

Lostinthismess

Thank you. I’m trying to shut it off. I almost broke the boundaries I set to contact him today. Thankfully I’ve learned to stop myself and write it out somewhere but not to him. This is his mess, not mine. For months I have been done trying to fix the problems he has created. I need to fix me, F him (sorry I needed to let that out).

Mango212

I need to fix me, F him


Bravo!!

It took me quite some time to let honest emotions like that flow!

I love my husband. I'm still married. I'm currently living somewhere far away as he's relapsed.

This self-recovery and self-focus gets easier. It also has opened up the world in new ways for me, with great expectations of enjoying life. I let joy be expressed, then pain is allowed, too. As I change, all my relationships naturally change. Some with a bit of turbulence, yet that settles out.

Bernadette

From Lostinthismess:This is his mess, not mine. For months I have been done trying to fix the problems he has created. I need to fix me, F him (sorry I needed to let that out).

I Ditto Mango - Bravo Bravo to this!

And you can change your username to "usingmycompass" because you don't sound lostinthismess anymore...you are forging healthier paths, figuring things out, moving forward!

Now that my boys are adults it is so painful and hard to watch them struggle with painful life facts and disappointing people. The strongest support I can give without increasing their anxiety by trying to micro-manage everything for them is just repeating, "I know you can get through this, I trust you to figure it out, and I'm standing by for whatever you ask me to do."

(((hugs)))
B

NYCDoglvr

Realizing we are powerless over people, places and things is the first step of recovery, but a frequently a painful process. After years of Alanon I realized I was putting the focus on others to avoid dealing with my own issues.