For a New Beginning
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 23
For a New Beginning
I've now been separated from my XABF for about a month and it's still a confusing time for me. He has stopped drinking again, and is planning to start therapy when his new insurance kicks in, and he is fighting to get me back. But I'm trying to stay strong because I've seen his dance before and I know it hasn't been enough time (and he hasn't done enough self work) for me to trust that he can take care of himself. Honestly, I don't know that I could ever trust him again.
My friend sent me a card with a poem that I read over and over when I'm feeling uncertain about my decision. Hoping it makes some of you feel better too!
------------------------------------------------
In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.
For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.
It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.
Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.
Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life’s desire.
Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
John O’Donohue
My friend sent me a card with a poem that I read over and over when I'm feeling uncertain about my decision. Hoping it makes some of you feel better too!
------------------------------------------------
In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.
For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.
It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.
Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.
Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life’s desire.
Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
John O’Donohue
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by Mango212 
Ellie, thanks for posting this. 
How are you doing today?
How are you doing today?
Thanks for asking...I was doing ok, keeping busy. I was actually just coming to post again... because my ex is still in contact with me and it's breaking my heart all over again. I don't feel uncertain about my decision for the time being, but I don't really know what I want for the future. I feel like I'm supposed to tell him to stop contacting me, but I know he's hoping we'll work out after some time of his sobriety. It hurts to think about hurting him...
Some days I think about just cutting off contact and I get excited thinking about the possibility of finding a new partner one day who doesn't struggle with alcoholism.
But other days, like today, I just know I still love him and I'm going through the "what ifs" and "if onlys." What if this was really it? What if he is really going to learn how to be sober and we could learn how to be a partnership again?
I feel like my friends don't know what to say. They try to say those standard things like, "who needs him?!" "you're better off!" But those things just aren't resonating with me - they actually are making me feel worse. He's a good person, he made me feel loved, he knew how to communicate with me... It's just been really hard to let go. I wish I was angry at him, because it's a clearer emotion - but the only thing I'm angry at is the disease of alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by EllieJ
I feel like my friends don't know what to say. They try to say those standard things like, "who needs him?!" "you're better off!" But those things just aren't resonating with me - they actually are making me feel worse. He's a good person, he made me feel loved, he knew how to communicate with me... It's just been really hard to let go. I wish I was angry at him, because it's a clearer emotion - but the only thing I'm angry at is the disease of alcoholism.
They don't understand the depth of how your feelings were for this person at one time and still are. Yes, it's hard to let go, especially when there is still contact. Chances are you will always love him....but dealing with his drinking was more than you could take.....and I know it's very sad....but I also know that life with an addict is sad too and really takes its toll.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Ellie,
I love my husband. I'm living far away from him. I'm in No Contact for my health and recovery from this family disease of alcoholism. I'm feeling my feelings and healing.
It's important to take care of myself first. If he finds real recovery or not, more will be revealed somewhere down the road. I'm taking this one day at a time with the framework/plan of giving myself 6 weeks or more of no contact. With that, and support/therapy/etc., I'll be happy, stronger, healthier and more connected with my authentic self.
No one path. No one way. Last time I went no contact it was difficult and very healing. This time I'm adapting to it much quicker and fully.
Prayer. Meditation. More is revealed as I embrace life in new ways.
((((hugs))))
I love my husband. I'm living far away from him. I'm in No Contact for my health and recovery from this family disease of alcoholism. I'm feeling my feelings and healing.
It's important to take care of myself first. If he finds real recovery or not, more will be revealed somewhere down the road. I'm taking this one day at a time with the framework/plan of giving myself 6 weeks or more of no contact. With that, and support/therapy/etc., I'll be happy, stronger, healthier and more connected with my authentic self.
No one path. No one way. Last time I went no contact it was difficult and very healing. This time I'm adapting to it much quicker and fully.
Prayer. Meditation. More is revealed as I embrace life in new ways.
((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by EllieJ
But other days, like today, I just know I still love him and I'm going through the "what ifs" and "if onlys." What if this was really it? What if he is really going to learn how to be sober and we could learn how to be a partnership again?
What if this was really it?
What if he is really going to learn how to be sober and we could learn how to be a partnership again?
Is that what you want? Are you prepared to be around him while he works through all of this. Detox and withdrawal are not pretty, but that's not the worst of it. The physical withdrawal is over fairly quickly in comparison to the psychological healing that needs to take place.
So anyway, I don't know him and I don't know what it would look like for you but maybe if you answer your questions you will get an idea.
You mentioned in other posts that you have been asking him to change, that someone here had mentioned that you were looking at this from how you want it to be not how it is (in a nutshell) and that resonated with you.
Also, he was an alcoholic when you met him, you don't know him as a sober person. You can kind of guess I suppose but the reality of that might not be what you envision.
Sorry if i'm coming up with more questions than answers but it bears thinking about probably.
IF after all that you decide to try and work it out I would absolutely not get back in to the relationship unless he has at least a solid year of sobriety. You also mention you want to have a family. Is this the person you want to do that with? Are you prepared to wait out his recovery before you even consider bringing children in to the situation?
It's good that he is going to get therapy when his insurance "kicks in" at some point in the future.
There are free AA meetings every day of the year.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by Mango212
Hi Ellie,
I love my husband. I'm living far away from him. I'm in No Contact for my health and recovery from this family disease of alcoholism. I'm feeling my feelings and healing.
It's important to take care of myself first. If he finds real recovery or not, more will be revealed somewhere down the road. I'm taking this one day at a time with the framework/plan of giving myself 6 weeks or more of no contact. With that, and support/therapy/etc., I'll be happy, stronger, healthier and more connected with my authentic self.
No one path. No one way. Last time I went no contact it was difficult and very healing. This time I'm adapting to it much quicker and fully.
Prayer. Meditation. More is revealed as I embrace life in new ways.
((((hugs))))
I love my husband. I'm living far away from him. I'm in No Contact for my health and recovery from this family disease of alcoholism. I'm feeling my feelings and healing.
It's important to take care of myself first. If he finds real recovery or not, more will be revealed somewhere down the road. I'm taking this one day at a time with the framework/plan of giving myself 6 weeks or more of no contact. With that, and support/therapy/etc., I'll be happy, stronger, healthier and more connected with my authentic self.
No one path. No one way. Last time I went no contact it was difficult and very healing. This time I'm adapting to it much quicker and fully.
Prayer. Meditation. More is revealed as I embrace life in new ways.
((((hugs))))
So are you living away from him for an undetermined amount of time? I find it's so hard living with the unknown of what will happen. I guess that's mostly why I decided to split - because I couldn't deal with feeling out of control. Happy to hear you are adapting to your more recent no contact. Gives me hope for myself
I did tell my ex I needed no contact Friday..it felt like a second breakup and it was awful. So far it seems as though he is honoring it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by trailmix
You need to answer your questions for/to yourself perhaps?
What if it really was, what does that look like? Do you have any idea?
What if he could? He drinks for a reason or drank for a reason and unless that reason is addressed what you are left is a gaping hole that has to be filled. Now ideally that will be filled with therapy to work through the problems, a healthy lifestyle to repair all the damage a change of friends from drinking buddies to people with a sober or normal drinking lifestyle (eventually when he can handle being around alcohol - which may be never).
Is that what you want? Are you prepared to be around him while he works through all of this. Detox and withdrawal are not pretty, but that's not the worst of it. The physical withdrawal is over fairly quickly in comparison to the psychological healing that needs to take place.
So anyway, I don't know him and I don't know what it would look like for you but maybe if you answer your questions you will get an idea.
You mentioned in other posts that you have been asking him to change, that someone here had mentioned that you were looking at this from how you want it to be not how it is (in a nutshell) and that resonated with you.
Also, he was an alcoholic when you met him, you don't know him as a sober person. You can kind of guess I suppose but the reality of that might not be what you envision.
Sorry if i'm coming up with more questions than answers but it bears thinking about probably.
IF after all that you decide to try and work it out I would absolutely not get back in to the relationship unless he has at least a solid year of sobriety. You also mention you want to have a family. Is this the person you want to do that with? Are you prepared to wait out his recovery before you even consider bringing children in to the situation?
It's good that he is going to get therapy when his insurance "kicks in" at some point in the future.
There are free AA meetings every day of the year.
What if it really was, what does that look like? Do you have any idea?
What if he could? He drinks for a reason or drank for a reason and unless that reason is addressed what you are left is a gaping hole that has to be filled. Now ideally that will be filled with therapy to work through the problems, a healthy lifestyle to repair all the damage a change of friends from drinking buddies to people with a sober or normal drinking lifestyle (eventually when he can handle being around alcohol - which may be never).
Is that what you want? Are you prepared to be around him while he works through all of this. Detox and withdrawal are not pretty, but that's not the worst of it. The physical withdrawal is over fairly quickly in comparison to the psychological healing that needs to take place.
So anyway, I don't know him and I don't know what it would look like for you but maybe if you answer your questions you will get an idea.
You mentioned in other posts that you have been asking him to change, that someone here had mentioned that you were looking at this from how you want it to be not how it is (in a nutshell) and that resonated with you.
Also, he was an alcoholic when you met him, you don't know him as a sober person. You can kind of guess I suppose but the reality of that might not be what you envision.
Sorry if i'm coming up with more questions than answers but it bears thinking about probably.
IF after all that you decide to try and work it out I would absolutely not get back in to the relationship unless he has at least a solid year of sobriety. You also mention you want to have a family. Is this the person you want to do that with? Are you prepared to wait out his recovery before you even consider bringing children in to the situation?
It's good that he is going to get therapy when his insurance "kicks in" at some point in the future.
There are free AA meetings every day of the year.
Am i prepared to wait out his recovery? I don't know... It's more than just waiting out his recovery in our situation. We lived in a big city together, but our long term plan was to move to a smaller city, closer to the mountains so we could hike and be outside more. Things we both like to do. As the time period for us to move came I realized I couldn't leave the job I like and say goodbye to my family and friends to move with him when he wasn't stable. Our initial plan was that we would go long distance for a year - give him the time to work on his sobriety and get settled in the place that would eventually become my home as well. But we would stay together and would visit often. I would join him if he stayed sober over that year. But then he got the DUI and I lost my hope again. When we split he ended up doing the move (getting a good job out there) and I stayed in my home city. So not only would I have to wait out his recovery...I would essentially have to feel that he was stable enough to pick up my life and move to join him.
I guess for now I just need to live with some of the discomfort of unanswered questions because only time will reveal if sobriety is going to stick for him and if I'll ever feel trusting enough of his sobriety to join him in a brand new place. The nice thing about his move is it truly could be a fresh start - where the new friends he makes only know him sober. So far it seems to be going well for him. But...how can one trust that the alcoholism will stay tamed?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by EllieJ
I guess for now I just need to live with some of the discomfort of unanswered questions because only time will reveal if sobriety is going to stick for him and if I'll ever feel trusting enough of his sobriety to join him in a brand new place. The nice thing about his move is it truly could be a fresh start - where the new friends he makes only know him sober. So far it seems to be going well for him. But...how can one trust that the alcoholism will stay tamed?
Just no guarantee, so that has to be accepted and planned for.
I think you are really looking at this realistically and you seem very grounded. I'm sure it's hard emotionally, of course it is! But you are using your mind to sort this out which puts you in a good place.
As they say, more will be revealed and there is no urgency for you to do anything immediately.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 35
Hi Ellie
Thanks for your post. I am going through a similar thing at the moment and recently have gone total no contact, after 3 weeks aoart, which has felt even more final and very upsetting, as he was also negotiating based on sobriety and love for me, hope for the future etc etc... I am still very much in love with him, but as has already been said, I've never known him sober ? It's really hard I know and I sympathise. Im so emotional everyday with questions and general emotional confusion, but staying strong for me. I'm trying to start a love affair with myself (!) as my therapist recommended , to see me through this time. Hugs to you and stay strong.
Thanks for your post. I am going through a similar thing at the moment and recently have gone total no contact, after 3 weeks aoart, which has felt even more final and very upsetting, as he was also negotiating based on sobriety and love for me, hope for the future etc etc... I am still very much in love with him, but as has already been said, I've never known him sober ? It's really hard I know and I sympathise. Im so emotional everyday with questions and general emotional confusion, but staying strong for me. I'm trying to start a love affair with myself (!) as my therapist recommended , to see me through this time. Hugs to you and stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
But those things just aren't resonating with me - they actually are making me feel worse. He's a good person, he made me feel loved, he knew how to communicate with me... It's just been really hard to let go. I wish I was angry at him, because it's a clearer emotion - but the only thing I'm angry at is the disease of alcoholism.
I love my exah husband. We were married 20 years had had 8 children but he never, ever found sobriety and in the end it was kinder to let him go cos I was not good for him and he wasn't good for me. We brought out the absolute worst in each other and even tho I still love him 4 years post divorce I know it was better for us to be apart. Currently he is sober. It never lasts more than a few weeks but while he is we communicate and he is coming to do a job on my house today. However to get to the stage we are at it meant a very long period of no contact.
I love my exah husband. We were married 20 years had had 8 children but he never, ever found sobriety and in the end it was kinder to let him go cos I was not good for him and he wasn't good for me. We brought out the absolute worst in each other and even tho I still love him 4 years post divorce I know it was better for us to be apart. Currently he is sober. It never lasts more than a few weeks but while he is we communicate and he is coming to do a job on my house today. However to get to the stage we are at it meant a very long period of no contact.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
