I feel so stupid
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
I feel so stupid
Sorry everyone, I've posting a lot lately. I just having been feeling lost and in pain. But I feel the need to get it out and I feel this forum is my safe space.
I feel so stupid. I feel so disgusted and disappointed in myself. I've been working so hard to keep my co-dependent ways out of my life.
Yesterday: STBAXH called after about week since I last spoke to him on the phone. He has texted me a few times between to ask about kids. He wanted to know how kids were doing. I told him good. We were on the phone for about 30 mins talking about things going on with kids school, sports, etc... I usually try my best to keep conversation down to a few minutes but I guess the conversation was flowing. He asked what we were going to do later I told him take a walk around our neighbor park. Then we hung up. About 1 hour later, he calls again. He asked if we had we went on our walk I said no. I asked him jokingly if he wanted to join us, he said yes (to my surprise). He asked if that would be okay with me and kids. I said have you been drinking? He said yes. I said well how are you going to get over here? He said he would drive. I said no, don't. I said I will pick you up please don't drink and drive (I'm stupid I know). He said he was okay. I ended up picking him up after he took a shower. He seemed a little under the influence not too bad considering the amount of times I've seen him hammered. He seemed happy to be with us. The kids were happy.
Strange Event: As we were walking around my neighbor park area with our dog and the 4 of us. I saw a silver truck coming towards us, it was my STBAXH's "night time visitor" that visits him at his mom's house usually on the weekends. He was laughing and talking to me and the kids. Then suddenly as she is driving closer towards us he begins to withdrawal back and put his head down. She was looking dead at all of us with her two kids in the car as they drove by us. I for sure thought immediately he was going to change his attitude but once she passed us he began to talk and laugh again.
Back to yesterday: We spent some time at the park playing with kids and dog. As we were heading back home my younger son asked if they were going to visit their dad this weekend for a few hours. I told him yes. X quickly brought up to them and me that if they wanted to take a trip or do something with both of us they need to tell us so we can do family things together (feeling confused at this point). Then he goes on saying he would like to take a trip with us to Universal Studios for the day. My kids are happy and love the idea. I'm quiet and don't really say much. He was being really nice asking me how I've been doing. He offered to make kids something to eat while I took a shower. He spends some time with the kids back at my house. He called his mom to pick him up around 9pm but she didn't answer so he asked if I could take him back but then he told younger son that he would stay until he feel asleep but I said no that he had to leave so I took him back. He thanked me for letting him spend some time with them and that he really missed them.
Today: He texted me around 8:30am asking how kids slept. I said good. He then asked what they were doing today. I told him that younger son had baseball practice. He asked where, I told him the location. He never responded back and didn't show up. My mom lives about 4 blocks away from his mom (where he stays). As me and my kids were driving home around 7:30 pm there is this long street where you can see the side of his parents home. I glanced down the road and his "night time visitor" was parked on the side of his parents home. My eyes wielded up. I realized that that is why he never responded to my text about our son's practice and never showed up.
"Night time visitor's" Backstory: She is 36. Works in the same warehouse as X does. She has two kids 17 and 16. She leaves her kids alone at night to stay with him on weekends. She was raised by her grandma because her parents both were into drugs. The father of her children is related to me so that means her kids are related to me. The father of her kids is an addict as well and kids do not see him. I've been told she has gotten into many physical altercations. She has been around the block a few times. I did speak to her about a month ago. She was at the park across the street from my house with her kids. She stated she and my X were "not that serious" and just screwing around at my XIL's house (I'm thinking "classy"). She also told me that he told her he only talks to me about kids (rolling eyes...yeah right).
The point: I'm so mad at myself for always trying to believe in the best of him. I see moments where he can be so loving, caring and attentive towards our kids then it goes away and he is back to focusing solely on himself. I'm so terrified to let my kids go anywhere with him sometimes. I believe supervising the visitations myself is best but at the same time I want to get off of this roller coaster of a ride with him. I hate to admit it but I do love him and I always will. I do believe loves me in his own sick twisted way but this whole thing is so toxic. We haven't been romantic in anyway for about a year so that doesn't cross my mind at all. I feel broken because I don't understand how he can choose alcohol and a woman over his own children? How can he want to do family trips and activities and still carry a relationship with this other woman? I'm going to therapy. I've been attending Al-anon meetings. I have been reading "Co-dependent No More." I work out daily and eat right. I stay busy with work, school and kids. I pray everyday to God to lead me in the right direction. I pray to God to help smooth my pain and to help me understand the big picture in all of this? I cant take this anymore.
I feel so stupid. I feel so disgusted and disappointed in myself. I've been working so hard to keep my co-dependent ways out of my life.
Yesterday: STBAXH called after about week since I last spoke to him on the phone. He has texted me a few times between to ask about kids. He wanted to know how kids were doing. I told him good. We were on the phone for about 30 mins talking about things going on with kids school, sports, etc... I usually try my best to keep conversation down to a few minutes but I guess the conversation was flowing. He asked what we were going to do later I told him take a walk around our neighbor park. Then we hung up. About 1 hour later, he calls again. He asked if we had we went on our walk I said no. I asked him jokingly if he wanted to join us, he said yes (to my surprise). He asked if that would be okay with me and kids. I said have you been drinking? He said yes. I said well how are you going to get over here? He said he would drive. I said no, don't. I said I will pick you up please don't drink and drive (I'm stupid I know). He said he was okay. I ended up picking him up after he took a shower. He seemed a little under the influence not too bad considering the amount of times I've seen him hammered. He seemed happy to be with us. The kids were happy.
Strange Event: As we were walking around my neighbor park area with our dog and the 4 of us. I saw a silver truck coming towards us, it was my STBAXH's "night time visitor" that visits him at his mom's house usually on the weekends. He was laughing and talking to me and the kids. Then suddenly as she is driving closer towards us he begins to withdrawal back and put his head down. She was looking dead at all of us with her two kids in the car as they drove by us. I for sure thought immediately he was going to change his attitude but once she passed us he began to talk and laugh again.
Back to yesterday: We spent some time at the park playing with kids and dog. As we were heading back home my younger son asked if they were going to visit their dad this weekend for a few hours. I told him yes. X quickly brought up to them and me that if they wanted to take a trip or do something with both of us they need to tell us so we can do family things together (feeling confused at this point). Then he goes on saying he would like to take a trip with us to Universal Studios for the day. My kids are happy and love the idea. I'm quiet and don't really say much. He was being really nice asking me how I've been doing. He offered to make kids something to eat while I took a shower. He spends some time with the kids back at my house. He called his mom to pick him up around 9pm but she didn't answer so he asked if I could take him back but then he told younger son that he would stay until he feel asleep but I said no that he had to leave so I took him back. He thanked me for letting him spend some time with them and that he really missed them.
Today: He texted me around 8:30am asking how kids slept. I said good. He then asked what they were doing today. I told him that younger son had baseball practice. He asked where, I told him the location. He never responded back and didn't show up. My mom lives about 4 blocks away from his mom (where he stays). As me and my kids were driving home around 7:30 pm there is this long street where you can see the side of his parents home. I glanced down the road and his "night time visitor" was parked on the side of his parents home. My eyes wielded up. I realized that that is why he never responded to my text about our son's practice and never showed up.
"Night time visitor's" Backstory: She is 36. Works in the same warehouse as X does. She has two kids 17 and 16. She leaves her kids alone at night to stay with him on weekends. She was raised by her grandma because her parents both were into drugs. The father of her children is related to me so that means her kids are related to me. The father of her kids is an addict as well and kids do not see him. I've been told she has gotten into many physical altercations. She has been around the block a few times. I did speak to her about a month ago. She was at the park across the street from my house with her kids. She stated she and my X were "not that serious" and just screwing around at my XIL's house (I'm thinking "classy"). She also told me that he told her he only talks to me about kids (rolling eyes...yeah right).
The point: I'm so mad at myself for always trying to believe in the best of him. I see moments where he can be so loving, caring and attentive towards our kids then it goes away and he is back to focusing solely on himself. I'm so terrified to let my kids go anywhere with him sometimes. I believe supervising the visitations myself is best but at the same time I want to get off of this roller coaster of a ride with him. I hate to admit it but I do love him and I always will. I do believe loves me in his own sick twisted way but this whole thing is so toxic. We haven't been romantic in anyway for about a year so that doesn't cross my mind at all. I feel broken because I don't understand how he can choose alcohol and a woman over his own children? How can he want to do family trips and activities and still carry a relationship with this other woman? I'm going to therapy. I've been attending Al-anon meetings. I have been reading "Co-dependent No More." I work out daily and eat right. I stay busy with work, school and kids. I pray everyday to God to lead me in the right direction. I pray to God to help smooth my pain and to help me understand the big picture in all of this? I cant take this anymore.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mamabear…..Looking at the big picture......Alcohol controls his life--and, I have no idea how much other baggage he might be carrying from his early life.....
He would have to become motivated to want recovery...and be willing to do the work that will take a few years of hard work.....
Alcohol is a way to avoid bad, uncomfortable feelings....and, the night visitor is another way to avoid uncomfortable feelings.....
He is living in his own bubble of protection from life on life's terms.
It is really hard to accept that, I know...when you had a different story in your mind about how the marriage and life would go...…
Perhaps you could move toward acceptance, more, if you had a better understanding of how alcoholism works in a person's brain.....
You might appreciate reading "The Addicted Brain" by Michael Kuhar.
You can get it on amazon.com at a greatly reduced price, if you get a used one.
If you would like to understand more about how the addicted mind works, psychologically....the article written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. (psychiatrist)….are the best explanation I have ever read....He wrote several.
http://bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html
Why do I recommend that book and those articles...because, if you understand that it is not about you....it can life a huge burden off your own shoulders....many of the questions that plague you, right now...won't even occur to you, any more....You won't be saying..."I don't understand this or that".....
And, you already know that love won't mend or heal the problem. Sometimes, loving from a distance is the best that we can do.....
He would have to become motivated to want recovery...and be willing to do the work that will take a few years of hard work.....
Alcohol is a way to avoid bad, uncomfortable feelings....and, the night visitor is another way to avoid uncomfortable feelings.....
He is living in his own bubble of protection from life on life's terms.
It is really hard to accept that, I know...when you had a different story in your mind about how the marriage and life would go...…
Perhaps you could move toward acceptance, more, if you had a better understanding of how alcoholism works in a person's brain.....
You might appreciate reading "The Addicted Brain" by Michael Kuhar.
You can get it on amazon.com at a greatly reduced price, if you get a used one.
If you would like to understand more about how the addicted mind works, psychologically....the article written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. (psychiatrist)….are the best explanation I have ever read....He wrote several.
http://bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html
Why do I recommend that book and those articles...because, if you understand that it is not about you....it can life a huge burden off your own shoulders....many of the questions that plague you, right now...won't even occur to you, any more....You won't be saying..."I don't understand this or that".....
And, you already know that love won't mend or heal the problem. Sometimes, loving from a distance is the best that we can do.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by dandylion 
mamabear…..Looking at the big picture......Alcohol controls his life--and, I have no idea how much other baggage he might be carrying from his early life.....
He would have to become motivated to want recovery...and be willing to do the work that will take a few years of hard work.....
Alcohol is a way to avoid bad, uncomfortable feelings....and, the night visitor is another way to avoid uncomfortable feelings.....
He is living in his own bubble of protection from life on life's terms.
It is really hard to accept that, I know...when you had a different story in your mind about how the marriage and life would go...…
Perhaps you could move toward acceptance, more, if you had a better understanding of how alcoholism works in a person's brain.....
You might appreciate reading "The Addicted Brain" by Michael Kuhar.
You can get it on amazon.com at a greatly reduced price, if you get a used one.
If you would like to understand more about how the addicted mind works, psychologically....the article written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. (psychiatrist)….are the best explanation I have ever read....He wrote several.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Why do I recommend that book and those articles...because, if you understand that it is not about you....it can life a huge burden off your own shoulders....many of the questions that plague you, right now...won't even occur to you, any more....You won't be saying..."I don't understand this or that".....
And, you already know that love won't mend or heal the problem. Sometimes, loving from a distance is the best that we can do.....
He would have to become motivated to want recovery...and be willing to do the work that will take a few years of hard work.....
Alcohol is a way to avoid bad, uncomfortable feelings....and, the night visitor is another way to avoid uncomfortable feelings.....
He is living in his own bubble of protection from life on life's terms.
It is really hard to accept that, I know...when you had a different story in your mind about how the marriage and life would go...…
Perhaps you could move toward acceptance, more, if you had a better understanding of how alcoholism works in a person's brain.....
You might appreciate reading "The Addicted Brain" by Michael Kuhar.
You can get it on amazon.com at a greatly reduced price, if you get a used one.
If you would like to understand more about how the addicted mind works, psychologically....the article written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. (psychiatrist)….are the best explanation I have ever read....He wrote several.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Why do I recommend that book and those articles...because, if you understand that it is not about you....it can life a huge burden off your own shoulders....many of the questions that plague you, right now...won't even occur to you, any more....You won't be saying..."I don't understand this or that".....
And, you already know that love won't mend or heal the problem. Sometimes, loving from a distance is the best that we can do.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by LLLisa
He's shown you what he wants. Believe him.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Alcoholism is such a selfish disease. It all me, me, me. Instant gratification, and the need to feel good right NOW, seems to be their M.O. it is obvious he wants his cake and be able to eat it on his terms. His actions have consequences, but as long as he get to go the park with the you, the kids, the dog, and experience the “ we are a happy family” he doesn’t have to acknowledge what his unacceptable life choices are doing to his family. As far as his “ night time friend” karma doesn’t have a timeframe, And we know, Misery loves company. My empathy to you and your kids, I would be having a heart to heart with myself, and I know what would be whispering in my ear. “Let go or be dragged”. I would also be reminding myself that I am not responsible for the relationship my husband has with his children, he has the choice to grow up, man up, get help, or continue to act the fool...
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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I see moments where he can be so loving, caring and attentive towards our kids then it goes away and he is back to focusing solely on himself
I don't understand how he can choose alcohol and a woman over his own children?
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
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Originally Posted by marie1960
Alcoholism is such a selfish disease. It all me, me, me. Instant gratification, and the need to feel good right NOW, seems to be their M.O. it is obvious he wants his cake and be able to eat it on his terms. His actions have consequences, but as long as he get to go the park with the you, the kids, the dog, and experience the “ we are a happy family” he doesn’t have to acknowledge what his unacceptable life choices are doing to his family. As far as his “ night time friend” karma doesn’t have a timeframe, And we know, Misery loves company. My empathy to you and your kids, I would be having a heart to heart with myself, and I know what would be whispering in my ear. “Let go or be dragged”. I would also be reminding myself that I am not responsible for the relationship my husband has with his children, he has the choice to grow up, man up, get help, or continue to act the fool...
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Originally Posted by atalose
Don’t you and your kids deserve more than just moments?
I think when you stop seeing this as a competition between you vs the alcohol and you vs the other woman and accept it for what it is – alcoholism, you’ll be able to let go. But right now you are in fight mode, fighting for him to be with you and your children as a happy family, fighting for him to stop drinking and trying to control what you will never be able to control is making you feel foolish.
I think when you stop seeing this as a competition between you vs the alcohol and you vs the other woman and accept it for what it is – alcoholism, you’ll be able to let go. But right now you are in fight mode, fighting for him to be with you and your children as a happy family, fighting for him to stop drinking and trying to control what you will never be able to control is making you feel foolish.
I've always stated that Alcohol has always been the number mistress in our marriage. Ive given up trying to control the drinking. I stay away from him as much as possible. And as far as the other woman I don't feel the need to compete with her. She can have him and all that he comes with, all I want are my kids to stay away from it. To be honest I'm living in fear of what he will do when the kids are with him. He obviously was okay with drinking and driving which terrifies me. I'm also afraid of him taking the kids to a trip out of town without me because I don't know what type of condition he will be in and who will be around my kids. I feel like I'm stuck with no answers or way to get out. I'm devastated.
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Just thinking out loud here, but for the safety of your kids, it would be advantageous to have saved text messages where he states in his own words, that he is drinking and driving. Maybe just communicate by texts, allow his own words to sink his battleship. I can see supervised visitation in his future.
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Supervised visitation, Soberlink etc all things to protect your kids. You need to tell your lawyer what you want in place so it can be put into a court order. Keep records of what he says and does to prove he isn't fit to have them alone. Alcoholism is progressive and however he is now will get worse so plan for that. I had to go on supervised visits with my kids for a while but eventually they go sick of them and refused to see exah anymore.
I feel broken because I don't understand how he can choose alcohol and a woman over his own children?
You don't have to understand it. It unfathomable and eventually you will stop caring about the whys. However the truth is he has and cannot be trusted to have your kids best interests at heart. He only has his own.
I feel broken because I don't understand how he can choose alcohol and a woman over his own children?
You don't have to understand it. It unfathomable and eventually you will stop caring about the whys. However the truth is he has and cannot be trusted to have your kids best interests at heart. He only has his own.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mamabear…..I think that supervised visitation m ight be what you will need. There are various ways to accomplish that.
I understand that there are even "professional" persons who are hired to supervise visits. And, I have heard that there are some visitation sites, where they are allowed to have the kids... and there is law enforcement supervision....
I am not very well informed on this, myself...as my kids are now grown adults.....
But, perhaps, you can make a goal of researching everything that can be done....
Maybe you can call the domestic abuse organization in your community...and, ask for their recommendation of a lawyer that you can consult on these options.....because these organizations have to deal with difficult situations, such as these...and probably know the best people to talk to...
I understand that there are even "professional" persons who are hired to supervise visits. And, I have heard that there are some visitation sites, where they are allowed to have the kids... and there is law enforcement supervision....
I am not very well informed on this, myself...as my kids are now grown adults.....
But, perhaps, you can make a goal of researching everything that can be done....
Maybe you can call the domestic abuse organization in your community...and, ask for their recommendation of a lawyer that you can consult on these options.....because these organizations have to deal with difficult situations, such as these...and probably know the best people to talk to...
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
I finally came to a realization that talking with, trying to reason with, asking questions of an alcoholic who isn't in recovery is the same thing as me saying, "I'm gullible. Lie to me."
Having longer periods of No Contact helped me greatly with healing and being seeing things from a brand new perspective.
(((hugs)))
Having longer periods of No Contact helped me greatly with healing and being seeing things from a brand new perspective.
(((hugs)))
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Originally Posted by marie1960
Just thinking out loud here, but for the safety of your kids, it would be advantageous to have saved text messages where he states in his own words, that he is drinking and driving. Maybe just communicate by texts, allow his own words to sink his battleship. I can see supervised visitation in his future.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
Supervised visitation, Soberlink etc all things to protect your kids. You need to tell your lawyer what you want in place so it can be put into a court order. Keep records of what he says and does to prove he isn't fit to have them alone. Alcoholism is progressive and however he is now will get worse so plan for that. I had to go on supervised visits with my kids for a while but eventually they go sick of them and refused to see exah anymore.
I feel broken because I don't understand how he can choose alcohol and a woman over his own children?
You don't have to understand it. It unfathomable and eventually you will stop caring about the whys. However the truth is he has and cannot be trusted to have your kids best interests at heart. He only has his own.
I feel broken because I don't understand how he can choose alcohol and a woman over his own children?
You don't have to understand it. It unfathomable and eventually you will stop caring about the whys. However the truth is he has and cannot be trusted to have your kids best interests at heart. He only has his own.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by dandylion
mamabear…..I think that supervised visitation m ight be what you will need. There are various ways to accomplish that.
I understand that there are even "professional" persons who are hired to supervise visits. And, I have heard that there are some visitation sites, where they are allowed to have the kids... and there is law enforcement supervision....
I am not very well informed on this, myself...as my kids are now grown adults.....
But, perhaps, you can make a goal of researching everything that can be done....
Maybe you can call the domestic abuse organization in your community...and, ask for their recommendation of a lawyer that you can consult on these options.....because these organizations have to deal with difficult situations, such as these...and probably know the best people to talk to...
I understand that there are even "professional" persons who are hired to supervise visits. And, I have heard that there are some visitation sites, where they are allowed to have the kids... and there is law enforcement supervision....
I am not very well informed on this, myself...as my kids are now grown adults.....
But, perhaps, you can make a goal of researching everything that can be done....
Maybe you can call the domestic abuse organization in your community...and, ask for their recommendation of a lawyer that you can consult on these options.....because these organizations have to deal with difficult situations, such as these...and probably know the best people to talk to...
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Emotional, psychological and verbal abuse are abuse. They are every bit as damaging as physical abuse.
The kind, safe people I found in domestic abuse help centers never pressured me to do anything. They helped greatly by listening, having insight, new perspectives and resources.
The kind, safe people I found in domestic abuse help centers never pressured me to do anything. They helped greatly by listening, having insight, new perspectives and resources.
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How can he want to do family trips and activities and still carry a relationship with this other woman?
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I would say it’s time to find a new lawyer. Find one who specializes only in family law and custody issues when alcoholism is present.
You know how they say the best way to find a new doctor is to ask the nurses at the hospital, same with lawyers. Nurses know which doctors are better than others so do court clerks. They hear cases all day long, they type up the documents, they know who’s a shark and who’s a plea dealer.
Fear is a paralyzer and it makes you think you need to be a hostage to your husbands drinking and it's making you stick with a lawyer who isn’t making you happy or working in the best interest of your kids.
You know how they say the best way to find a new doctor is to ask the nurses at the hospital, same with lawyers. Nurses know which doctors are better than others so do court clerks. They hear cases all day long, they type up the documents, they know who’s a shark and who’s a plea dealer.
Fear is a paralyzer and it makes you think you need to be a hostage to your husbands drinking and it's making you stick with a lawyer who isn’t making you happy or working in the best interest of your kids.
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Originally Posted by Mango212
Emotional, psychological and verbal abuse are abuse. They are every bit as damaging as physical abuse.
The kind, safe people I found in domestic abuse help centers never pressured me to do anything. They helped greatly by listening, having insight, new perspectives and resources.
The kind, safe people I found in domestic abuse help centers never pressured me to do anything. They helped greatly by listening, having insight, new perspectives and resources.
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