I feel so stupid

Old 06-01-2018, 11:46 AM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Because that allows him to be in on the fun things but have none of the responsibility. The kids see him as a great dad. He can show up, spend fun times with the kids and then go on with his life.
He also tells me he loves when we are all together. He is most happiest when it's just us 4 (I'm thinking "yeah right"). Sometimes I feel like his requests have more to do with spending time with me then the kids. But he already has a "companion."
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Old 06-01-2018, 01:04 PM
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mama.....I got the same feeling that he was using the children to get close to you....
Booty call is not the same thing as quality companionship....I think he is using her for his needs....and, she is probably a lost soul, at base line....

Alcoholism seems to feed selfishness.....
It is one thing to "love" someone...but, having the capacity to live up to the responsibilities of a relationship with a partner/children/friends requires what they don't have....
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Old 06-01-2018, 01:48 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
mama.....I got the same feeling that he was using the children to get close to you....
Booty call is not the same thing as quality companionship....I think he is using her for his needs....and, she is probably a lost soul, at base line....

Alcoholism seems to feed selfishness.....
It is one thing to "love" someone...but, having the capacity to live up to the responsibilities of a relationship with a partner/children/friends requires what they don't have....
There are times when he states things like "we have been done." I'm thinking duh I know that I'm the one who filed for divorce. There are times when he is asking me if I would like something from the store or asking me how I've been doing. This other woman does have her own home with her kids but it seems like she is always at his parents house instead of him visiting her at her house (strange). My guess is that he doesn't want to be around her kids (red flag) for her. She stated to me this has been going on for 6-7 months. My mom believes that its convenient for him because he can stay home and drink and she will come to him. She has not been around my kids at all. I just wish he would leave me and the kids alone and go off to do whatever he pleases without taking us down. But I know that'll probably never happen. Lately I've been spending a lot of time in a near by city about 30 mins away from where I live with some cousins. I don't want to live in my town anymore. I feel a high amount of anxiety and stress. I feel like I have to constantly protect my kids from seeing anything that there dad is doing. I live in a small town so even driving around town we have seen him buying beer at gas stations. I try to avoid the area where his mom lives so my kids don't have to see that woman coming and going from his parents house. Since my parents home is so close to his parents home I've even started taking a different route to my parents house so we can avoid seeing anything. I'm tired. I've been contemplating moving 30 mins away where some of my cousins live. I feel like me and my boys need a fresh start and to get away from my X and all his antics.
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Old 06-01-2018, 02:20 PM
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Update: I just called my local domestic abuse center. They told me to go and walk in to talk to someone. They did state that it doesn't have to be physical abuse it can be mental and emotional abuse.
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Old 06-01-2018, 04:41 PM
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Translation I really related to:

"I love you" = "you put up with my crap"

If you feel he's using the kids as an excuse to spend time with you, trust that instinct.
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Old 06-01-2018, 05:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
Translation I really related to:

"I love you" = "you put up with my crap"

If you feel he's using the kids as an excuse to spend time with you, trust that instinct.
Yes, I do believe he is. He asked to have 2 trips a year to take the kids out of town on the divorce settlement so why would he want me to go if he can go with them by himself? He told his "companion" that he does things with me for the kids because they ask (he's lying and she believes it). My kids and I are use to doing things with just us 3. He always goes out of his way to ask to do things together. It seems like whenever his friend isn't around he wants to play family, its disgusting.
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Old 06-01-2018, 05:26 PM
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Ego trip?
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Old 06-01-2018, 09:05 PM
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Originally Posted by mamabear26 View Post
I've been contemplating moving 30 mins away where some of my cousins live. I feel like me and my boys need a fresh start and to get away from my X and all his antics.
I think this deserves serious consideration and might just be the thing you need.

You will be far enough away that you won't be running in to either of them and he might not be so inclined to visit.

Personally I don't think there should be any walks in the park with the 4 of you, he shouldn't get to play family while taking so little responsibility (I know you already know this).

It stops him from having any consequences for his actions. Now, you don't need to punish him, of course, there is just something very wrong with this dynamic, for him he is enabled to drink and do whatever he wants at Mom and Dad's house while keeping his family partially intact and having a nighttime visitor.

For this visit he is drunk and has to be picked up and then his nighttime visitor drives by and stares at you all (that's weird) and now he wants to go on holiday with you.

I have no doubt he probably loves you but, for now, while an active alcoholic his actions are so self-centered it's just horrible.

The problem with not having supervised visits, I really recommend you seek out another lawyer, as annoying as that is. The only way this is going to get straightened out is in a court room.

I hope you do it for your peace of mind.
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Old 06-01-2018, 11:11 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I think this deserves serious consideration and might just be the thing you need.

You will be far enough away that you won't be running in to either of them and he might not be so inclined to visit.

Personally I don't think there should be any walks in the park with the 4 of you, he shouldn't get to play family while taking so little responsibility (I know you already know this).

It stops him from having any consequences for his actions. Now, you don't need to punish him, of course, there is just something very wrong with this dynamic, for him he is enabled to drink and do whatever he wants at Mom and Dad's house while keeping his family partially intact and having a nighttime visitor.

For this visit he is drunk and has to be picked up and then his nighttime visitor drives by and stares at you all (that's weird) and now he wants to go on holiday with you.

I have no doubt he probably loves you but, for now, while an active alcoholic his actions are so self-centered it's just horrible.

The problem with not having supervised visits, I really recommend you seek out another lawyer, as annoying as that is. The only way this is going to get straightened out is in a court room.

I hope you do it for your peace of mind.
I have gave it serious thought. My plan is to wait until I'm done with school and start my career as a teacher to move. I'm staying over night with my kids at my cousins house right now and I feel so much more peaceful being here. My boys love it here too.

I try my hardest and I had been doing good at staying away from my co-dependent ways. I feel like I've been in recovery and slipped up. My X is a piece of work. I'm going to a domestic abuse center on Monday to receive info on lawyers and any other resources I might need.
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Old 06-02-2018, 09:35 AM
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Originally Posted by mamabear26 View Post
I'm going to a domestic abuse center on Monday to receive info on lawyers and any other resources I might need.
So glad to hear this. Oh and don't feel "stupid", you are reacting pretty normally to a very abnormal situation.
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Old 06-02-2018, 03:07 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
So glad to hear this. Oh and don't feel "stupid", you are reacting pretty normally to a very abnormal situation.
Thank you Trailmix for the support! : )
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Old 06-02-2018, 04:23 PM
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I know a few of you stated that you've went from unsupervised visits to changing to supervised visits. How did your children deal with this change?
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Old 06-02-2018, 05:22 PM
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Please don’t feel stupid. What we want to believe and the reality we have to believe are sadly different. We want our family whole. We want our spouses whole too. What we have are broken families and broken spouses. If we could wave a magic wand and fix it all we would but sadly we can’t. There’s a lot to learn here. I’ve learned my stbxah is a stranger, he’s not the man I married. For so long I thought he would snap out of this ******** phase he’s in, he proved me wrong. While he tells me he loves me, begs for an open line of communication, makes excuses to text me and says he’ll always have my back, he’s still the same POS I left. His actions speak louder than any words he’s ever said. I’ve asked or said so many times that I can’t count, how could you do this to us, to our family, to yourself, and to me. He’s never given an answer and I know that’s because he can’t. Over time I’ve realized he doesn’t know me anymore either. I’m not that same desperate to repair and save him person. I’m now in a fight for my life, my happiness and our children’s life and happiness. His family has been MIA since **** hit the fan, since he was exposed for who he is they stopped speaking to our children. Our children are adults too. I don’t need to have contact w this family but one of them could ask our kids how they are. One of them could speak up and tell him how they feel but this is the most passive family I’ve ever met. Forever I wondered if I was fighting alone to save him. What I’ve realized is that’s true. So when it comes to your children you do what’s best for them and you. Listen to your gut. As others said, fight for supervised visits. It’s best to use caution.
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Old 06-04-2018, 07:55 AM
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Oh don't feel stupid! It's a lesson learned is all. It's not wrong to want to see the best in people, especially someone you have children with. It takes a while.

My XAH and I tried the whole let's be a big happy divorced family. It lasted about 10 mins LOL. It was weird for my kids too (they told me this later).

Kids can have a life with both. The goal of divorce is that you don't have to spend time w/that person anymore. I know one divorced couple who hang out together all the time. One couple. In the tons of divorced couples I know. It's rare. We all want to be those people, but in reality it's just not likely.

Big hugs!
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Old 06-04-2018, 08:40 PM
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Thank you all for the support and encouragement. I'm still trying to learn how to navigate through this divorce. I did visit my local domestic abuse center (30 mins) away from where I live. I have to go back on Thursday for counseling session for domestic violence. I'm looking forward to it and getting feedback from the counselor on how I can go about moving forward in this difficult situations.

On Saturday night: I received another drunken phone call from my STBAXH. He called around 8pm drunk. Asking where me and the boys were I told him we were out and about. He told me why didn't I invite him to come along with us (I was thinking "what the heck"). I told him that I'm not going to go out of my way to invite him go anywhere with us. He asked what time we were going to go home I told him I don't know. He told me he "wished he could be with us." I got off the phone with him. He then called about 20 mins later. I missed the call so I called back and phone went straight to voicemail. My guess "night time visitor" was there (rolled eyes). He came to pick up the boys the next morning at 9am, his regular time. I didn't mention a word about the phone conversation the night before. He didn't appear to be intoxicated but he did have sun glasses covering his eyes. I just acted nonchalant gave the boys a kiss and told them I would pick them up in a few hours. .

I'm learning how to bite my tongue and not let what he does get to me. More than anything I feel sorry for him. I know I shouldn't because he has and still does so many bad things. I'm learning to continue on with my life despite his attempts and antics to reel me back into his alcoholic world. As hard as a time I'm having in coping with this all. I know he is the one who is truly suffering the most but I know there is nothing I can do the help him.
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Old 06-05-2018, 06:17 AM
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You will learn to ignore the phone calls, and to keep to your schedule. Talk about the kids, when it's necessary only. It has saved my sanity. Other times, I just don't give in to speaking to him at all, and I text only.

Big hugs!
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Old 06-07-2018, 03:21 PM
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so he was to pick the kids up within 12 hours, and yet he needed to engage with you? “Oh Why didn’t you invite me, wish we were all together”. WTH? I am rolling my eyes for you, talk about denial, he is living in LaLa land. I agree with hopeful4, less is more, simply text, and keep subject matter to the kids. What is he going to do the day you do not answer his call? I see a meltdown in his future. He really believes he is still in control, he has yet to feel the sting of his actions.

It’s one thing to be the best co -parent circumstances allow, it’s another to continue to fuel his ego.
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Old 06-08-2018, 11:04 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
You will learn to ignore the phone calls, and to keep to your schedule. Talk about the kids, when it's necessary only. It has saved my sanity. Other times, I just don't give in to speaking to him at all, and I text only.

Big hugs!
I have made it clear several times to only call me for emergencies when kids are with him. And to text me things regarding kids only. He never seems to keep to the boundaries I have set. It is so frustrating and draining. I thought after 2 years of being separated things would get easier but they haven't.
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Old 06-08-2018, 11:07 AM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
so he was to pick the kids up within 12 hours, and yet he needed to engage with you? “Oh Why didn’t you invite me, wish we were all together”. WTH? I am rolling my eyes for you, talk about denial, he is living in LaLa land. I agree with hopeful4, less is more, simply text, and keep subject matter to the kids. What is he going to do the day you do not answer his call? I see a meltdown in his future. He really believes he is still in control, he has yet to feel the sting of his actions.

It’s one thing to be the best co -parent circumstances allow, it’s another to continue to fuel his ego.
Yes, I agree. He still believes he is in control. I try my best to keep calm and to keep the peace for the kids but he pushes the boundaries. I feel sick even talking to him knowing that he is screwing another woman then acting like he wants to be a family man to my face. I'm disgusted by him but I've learned to bit my tongue on things he is doing on his private time. I keep praying for things to get better. I lose hope sometimes.
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Old 06-08-2018, 11:09 AM
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Originally Posted by mamabear26 View Post
I keep praying for things to get better. I lose hope sometimes.
What does "getting better" look like in your life?
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