I Think I'm Done
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
I Think I'm Done
I first joined this forum back around October.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...o-anymore.html (Don't know what to do anymore...)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-i-swear.html (It's a never-ending cycle, I swear)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ck-bottom.html (What's lower than rock bottom?)
Above are my very first posts where I pretty much dumped everything I'd been feeling for the past year or two. Since then, not much has changed. Long story short, my husband is still a very high functioning alcoholic. He goes through cycles where he'll drink a lot one week, cut himself off for a day or two, and then get right back to it. He'll stay up until 4am playing video games on a weekend, sleep until noon, and get up and drink more. We've had the talk about why he needs to cut back, how it's a problem, and how I'm very unhappy. He keeps promising to make change-- less drinking, more working out (he's gained probably close to 60 pounds). Less video games, more time together, etc etc.
I'm just tired though. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of feeling lonely. There's no passion, there's no intimacy. We rarely even sleep in the same bed because he's always falling asleep on the couch playing his video games. I daydream about what it would be like to date again, which makes me feel horribly guilty, but I can't help but feel that this isn't what a marriage should be. Especially in the beginning stages. I cry pretty much every other day and feel jealous of my friends who are in happy relationships. I know this sounds incredibly petty, but I can't help it. I'm miserable. And he won't change. It's like I'm living with a roommate instead of my husband.
I recently started seeing a therapist, so I'm hoping that will help me...but I really think I want to leave. There are just certain things holding me back that I can't seem to get over. First of all, I'm terrified. I do love him, so I can't stand the idea of hurting him. I know it would be the hardest thing I'v ever done to tell him I don't want to be with him. I keep thinking about his family and mine. My entire family adores him. His family adores me. And he's 37...I know he wants kids and I feel like I'd be taking that from him if I left. Second of all, finances and what to do with the life we've built. He has a work truck he drives to and from his job and a car. But the car I drove we just bought last year together and we're still paying it off, together. Both our names are on it and I worry what might happen if that gets taken from me. I have a place to go, a friend has graciously offered her bedroom. I have a decent job, I have my own healthcare.
I know that nobody can do or say this for me. I just want to be sure I'm making the right choice, obviously. But also, I have no idea how to go about it. I'm very anti-confrontational, very much an overly-nice people pleaser which is why I think I might be caught up in this position in the first place and haven't left sooner.
I keep telling myself it could be worse, that it's not that bad.
But the truth is, it's not good either.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...o-anymore.html (Don't know what to do anymore...)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-i-swear.html (It's a never-ending cycle, I swear)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ck-bottom.html (What's lower than rock bottom?)
Above are my very first posts where I pretty much dumped everything I'd been feeling for the past year or two. Since then, not much has changed. Long story short, my husband is still a very high functioning alcoholic. He goes through cycles where he'll drink a lot one week, cut himself off for a day or two, and then get right back to it. He'll stay up until 4am playing video games on a weekend, sleep until noon, and get up and drink more. We've had the talk about why he needs to cut back, how it's a problem, and how I'm very unhappy. He keeps promising to make change-- less drinking, more working out (he's gained probably close to 60 pounds). Less video games, more time together, etc etc.
I'm just tired though. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of feeling lonely. There's no passion, there's no intimacy. We rarely even sleep in the same bed because he's always falling asleep on the couch playing his video games. I daydream about what it would be like to date again, which makes me feel horribly guilty, but I can't help but feel that this isn't what a marriage should be. Especially in the beginning stages. I cry pretty much every other day and feel jealous of my friends who are in happy relationships. I know this sounds incredibly petty, but I can't help it. I'm miserable. And he won't change. It's like I'm living with a roommate instead of my husband.
I recently started seeing a therapist, so I'm hoping that will help me...but I really think I want to leave. There are just certain things holding me back that I can't seem to get over. First of all, I'm terrified. I do love him, so I can't stand the idea of hurting him. I know it would be the hardest thing I'v ever done to tell him I don't want to be with him. I keep thinking about his family and mine. My entire family adores him. His family adores me. And he's 37...I know he wants kids and I feel like I'd be taking that from him if I left. Second of all, finances and what to do with the life we've built. He has a work truck he drives to and from his job and a car. But the car I drove we just bought last year together and we're still paying it off, together. Both our names are on it and I worry what might happen if that gets taken from me. I have a place to go, a friend has graciously offered her bedroom. I have a decent job, I have my own healthcare.
I know that nobody can do or say this for me. I just want to be sure I'm making the right choice, obviously. But also, I have no idea how to go about it. I'm very anti-confrontational, very much an overly-nice people pleaser which is why I think I might be caught up in this position in the first place and haven't left sooner.
I keep telling myself it could be worse, that it's not that bad.
But the truth is, it's not good either.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I just want to be sure I'm making the right choice,
there is no way to know that ahead of time.
we can make really BAD choices and come out of them well.
we can make GOOD choices that still end up going badly.
a choice is simply one point in time, do we got left or right?
what happens after that only time will tell
we don't make just ONE choice, we make many, hundreds a day, down to when we finally decide to go to the bathroom. or if we eat the gummy vitamin before or after we brush our teeth. if we stay on our right side in bed, or roll over. do we throw a load of laundry in, or feed the dogs first.
every choice leads to another choice. even NOT making a choice is a choice.
there is no way to know that ahead of time.
we can make really BAD choices and come out of them well.
we can make GOOD choices that still end up going badly.
a choice is simply one point in time, do we got left or right?
what happens after that only time will tell
we don't make just ONE choice, we make many, hundreds a day, down to when we finally decide to go to the bathroom. or if we eat the gummy vitamin before or after we brush our teeth. if we stay on our right side in bed, or roll over. do we throw a load of laundry in, or feed the dogs first.
every choice leads to another choice. even NOT making a choice is a choice.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, emma.
Yes, it does sound as though you have had enough.
This is not the marriage you signed on for.
For a moment, let’s take his wants and needs out of the picture.
You have described someone who plays video games way too much, drinks too much and doesn’t stop though he know it is impacting the marriage, who is distant and, really, not at all interested in being a couple, if I am interpreting your post correctly.
So, to me, and I am by my own admission a cranky grandma, the question isn’t so much why leave as why stay?
Sorry. Hope that isn’t too harsh.
Peace.
P.S. talk to an attorney about your rights and responsibilities, whether you stay or go. Knowledge is a good thing.
Yes, it does sound as though you have had enough.
This is not the marriage you signed on for.
For a moment, let’s take his wants and needs out of the picture.
You have described someone who plays video games way too much, drinks too much and doesn’t stop though he know it is impacting the marriage, who is distant and, really, not at all interested in being a couple, if I am interpreting your post correctly.
So, to me, and I am by my own admission a cranky grandma, the question isn’t so much why leave as why stay?
Sorry. Hope that isn’t too harsh.
Peace.
P.S. talk to an attorney about your rights and responsibilities, whether you stay or go. Knowledge is a good thing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
I read your other threads and with this one you just wrote, all the answers to your questions, you have already answered. So yes, you do know what you want to do.
The only question I have, from what you have said is this - you keep saying what a great guy he is and how much you love him.
What do you love about him, now. Not about how he was when you were first dating, not about the time he brought you flowers 3 years ago, not about the discussions you had about buying a house and having children and BBQs in the backyard with both families on Sundays.
As he is now and has been for quite some time.
I have no doubt that you have love for this person but just because you love him, does that mean you want to be in a relationship with/married to him?
As for hurting him, yes, it may hurt him, but you tried to discuss it with him so he shouldn't be completely blindsided. If you hadn't I would recommend talking to him, but what good will that do? Over and over again you have told him that him ignoring you in favor of video games and alcohol is making you unhappy and he has made zero effort to address that.
The only question I have, from what you have said is this - you keep saying what a great guy he is and how much you love him.
What do you love about him, now. Not about how he was when you were first dating, not about the time he brought you flowers 3 years ago, not about the discussions you had about buying a house and having children and BBQs in the backyard with both families on Sundays.
As he is now and has been for quite some time.
I have no doubt that you have love for this person but just because you love him, does that mean you want to be in a relationship with/married to him?
As for hurting him, yes, it may hurt him, but you tried to discuss it with him so he shouldn't be completely blindsided. If you hadn't I would recommend talking to him, but what good will that do? Over and over again you have told him that him ignoring you in favor of video games and alcohol is making you unhappy and he has made zero effort to address that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,733
Hi emma, I think you will be doing the right thing no matter what because you are a conscientious person. I would say that your happiness is most important right now, though. You've thought it through quite far, I think you will be safe. I was once in a marriage and mulling over what to do for about 5 years. It is so hard to know what to do, even without children. Especially as a believer in the bond of marriage, I had such a hard time tearing away. I constantly reinforced my belief that marriage has ups and downs, and we fight through things together, never desert each other, etc etc. But the truth was, he had really deserted me. I was strapping myself to a sinking ship.
I feel that the choices we make definitely write our futures, but in unexpected ways sometimes. I believe that if our choices are made in the right spirit, the resulting events will unfold in a positive way for everyone
I feel that the choices we make definitely write our futures, but in unexpected ways sometimes. I believe that if our choices are made in the right spirit, the resulting events will unfold in a positive way for everyone
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by emmab219 
And he's 37...I know he wants kids and I feel like I'd be taking that from him if I left.
From what I've read, it doesn't seem so. And so if you decided not to "take this from him" and have kids w/him, you would:
A) be setting your kids up for life with an active A as a parent (read some in these sections to learn about the lifelong effect this has on kids: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ters-siblings/
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...holic-parents/ )
B) be setting yourself up as a single parent, b/c an active A isn't going to be someone you can trust to be an equal partner in childcare.
C) be tying yourself to him pretty much forever, b/c even if you do decide to leave him down the road, you still have kids together and you'll be forced to co-parent w/him. Read some of the stories in this section of the forum from people who are doing just that to see what you'd have to look forward to...it's not pretty.
If he "misses his window" to have children, it is NOT b/c of anything YOU did. It's b/c he's an active alcoholic. HE is making this choice, not you.
Tough talk but, true. You don't need to carry that guilt. You aren't depriving anyone of anything
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
There are many similarities between your story and mine.
I loved my XAH, and he would tell me every day that he loved me, but I no longer felt I was loved. I spent my time with the dogs or my family while he sat in the basement drinking and surfing the web. We rarely slept in the same room, intimacy was non existent. He said he wanted kids and would sober up for them, but why not be the best version of himself first? And there was the whole lack of intimacy thing so was that even true? There was no major event that ended our marriage, instead it was the lack of progress, the cycles of sobriety & recovery, the same arguments that were never resolved.
It’s okay to leave if that’s what you want. It’s okay to not know what you want. It’s okay to know you don’t want what you have. Your family will support you...my family freely acknowledges that they don’t understand and didn’t see the problems in my marriage, but they believe me...that it was not a healthy marriage anymore. We all want the best for my AXH, but he was no longer what was best for me.
I strongly recommend seeing an attorney. It will help put some of your fears to rest. Seeing the attorney was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done...but I’ve done a lot of hard things now...and I know I’m better for them.
Hugs to you...keep posting...it helps to get it out.
I loved my XAH, and he would tell me every day that he loved me, but I no longer felt I was loved. I spent my time with the dogs or my family while he sat in the basement drinking and surfing the web. We rarely slept in the same room, intimacy was non existent. He said he wanted kids and would sober up for them, but why not be the best version of himself first? And there was the whole lack of intimacy thing so was that even true? There was no major event that ended our marriage, instead it was the lack of progress, the cycles of sobriety & recovery, the same arguments that were never resolved.
It’s okay to leave if that’s what you want. It’s okay to not know what you want. It’s okay to know you don’t want what you have. Your family will support you...my family freely acknowledges that they don’t understand and didn’t see the problems in my marriage, but they believe me...that it was not a healthy marriage anymore. We all want the best for my AXH, but he was no longer what was best for me.
I strongly recommend seeing an attorney. It will help put some of your fears to rest. Seeing the attorney was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done...but I’ve done a lot of hard things now...and I know I’m better for them.
Hugs to you...keep posting...it helps to get it out.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
emma…..rereading all of your other threads.....I hope that you are still reading through the hundreds of our library articles that I gave you the thread to, and, are still attending the alanon meetings, and made the appointment with the attorney to find out your rights.
Because...no matter how long you stay, all of these actions represent work and investment in your self and will benefit you...no matter what happens.
Over the several months...about 8?...that you have shared with us...it seems that things have plateaued....He doesn't seem to show any signs of being willing to address the obvious problems and deterioration of the marriage....And, you sound just exactly as unhappy today as you did last year....
You did acknowledge, at several points that you are still somewhat in your "comfort zone"....
Even with your list of fears (which I think are pretty typical fears) and your exaggerated sense of guilt.....you still seem to cling to the hope that things will get better ...and that he will get better...…
It might seem like things are still good enough....and that the plateau will last...But, one of the Laws of the Universe, is that nothing stays the same forever...(sometimes the change is so slow that it feels like things are standing still)….
Hon...I gently say to you that he is not going to automatically get better...his alcoholism is controlling him. It isn't about you...it is about him.
And, you are not going to magically feel happier in this marriage, the way it is.
Though...you may be able to exist (not thrive) for a few more years...1..2..5...
Remember the Caterpillar who asked..."When will I become a butterfly"....the answer was...."When the fear of staying a caterpillar becomes greater than the fear of changing"...….
The same thing applied to me in my first marriage....one day...I just realized that I would never, never, ever be able to be my genuine self and be happy in that marriage.....I wanted to be happy SO Much. In that instant, I felt my whole world pivot....and, I told my husband that I was going to go to a lawyer, the next day and file for a divorce. Finally, my fear of staying overcame my fear of ending the marriage...….and, there was no going back.....
(I was in m y 20's at the time...and, had 3 small children...and, had many of the same "fears" that you have)….
I have never regretted that decision....
You will never see your 20's again, after you leave them. You will regret every year that you waste, of your twenties.
Please don't give your children an alcoholic father....since you have a choice.....
***If you would like to understand more about how the alcoholic brain works....you might appreciate reading "The Addicted Brain" by Michael Kahur. You can get it on amazon.com. You can get a used one at a greatly reduced price....(or rent it at the library)…..
Because...no matter how long you stay, all of these actions represent work and investment in your self and will benefit you...no matter what happens.
Over the several months...about 8?...that you have shared with us...it seems that things have plateaued....He doesn't seem to show any signs of being willing to address the obvious problems and deterioration of the marriage....And, you sound just exactly as unhappy today as you did last year....
You did acknowledge, at several points that you are still somewhat in your "comfort zone"....
Even with your list of fears (which I think are pretty typical fears) and your exaggerated sense of guilt.....you still seem to cling to the hope that things will get better ...and that he will get better...…
It might seem like things are still good enough....and that the plateau will last...But, one of the Laws of the Universe, is that nothing stays the same forever...(sometimes the change is so slow that it feels like things are standing still)….
Hon...I gently say to you that he is not going to automatically get better...his alcoholism is controlling him. It isn't about you...it is about him.
And, you are not going to magically feel happier in this marriage, the way it is.
Though...you may be able to exist (not thrive) for a few more years...1..2..5...
Remember the Caterpillar who asked..."When will I become a butterfly"....the answer was...."When the fear of staying a caterpillar becomes greater than the fear of changing"...….
The same thing applied to me in my first marriage....one day...I just realized that I would never, never, ever be able to be my genuine self and be happy in that marriage.....I wanted to be happy SO Much. In that instant, I felt my whole world pivot....and, I told my husband that I was going to go to a lawyer, the next day and file for a divorce. Finally, my fear of staying overcame my fear of ending the marriage...….and, there was no going back.....
(I was in m y 20's at the time...and, had 3 small children...and, had many of the same "fears" that you have)….
I have never regretted that decision....
You will never see your 20's again, after you leave them. You will regret every year that you waste, of your twenties.
Please don't give your children an alcoholic father....since you have a choice.....
***If you would like to understand more about how the alcoholic brain works....you might appreciate reading "The Addicted Brain" by Michael Kahur. You can get it on amazon.com. You can get a used one at a greatly reduced price....(or rent it at the library)…..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know that nobody can do or say this for me. I just want to be sure I'm making the right choice, obviously. But also, I have no idea how to go about it. I'm very anti-confrontational, very much an overly-nice people pleaser which is why I think I might be caught up in this position in the first place and haven't left sooner.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 44
emmab219 - I feel as if I could have written this post. I'm in the same place. This morning, I had the same thoughts, maybe it's time to separate. I have the same fears as you.
I'm in my late forties, so is my AH, we don't have children. I'm so glad we didn't bring children into this. We've been married for 22 years, together for 26.
Al Anon has helped me find my voice to confront situations that are painful so that I can be honest with AH and myself. Like you, I'm a people-pleaser. One thing that has helped me is that I have been talking with my family members so that they know what we're going through, so that if we do separate, they won't be shocked. We will both need their support.
I've been taking baby steps to plan for a future on my own. I opened a bank account in my name so I can have my own money, I've asked friends if I can stay with them, I am going to consult with an attorney, I have a bag packed, so I can leave if I need to.
I don't have the answers, obviously, but wanted to post so that you know you're not alone. I was going to post something very similar today, so thank you for posting, it's helpful to hear what others have to say that have lived through this and how they've handled it.
Thinking of you!
I'm in my late forties, so is my AH, we don't have children. I'm so glad we didn't bring children into this. We've been married for 22 years, together for 26.
Al Anon has helped me find my voice to confront situations that are painful so that I can be honest with AH and myself. Like you, I'm a people-pleaser. One thing that has helped me is that I have been talking with my family members so that they know what we're going through, so that if we do separate, they won't be shocked. We will both need their support.
I've been taking baby steps to plan for a future on my own. I opened a bank account in my name so I can have my own money, I've asked friends if I can stay with them, I am going to consult with an attorney, I have a bag packed, so I can leave if I need to.
I don't have the answers, obviously, but wanted to post so that you know you're not alone. I was going to post something very similar today, so thank you for posting, it's helpful to hear what others have to say that have lived through this and how they've handled it.
Thinking of you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
Thanks everyone! This place has honestly been so helpful for me, and I feel grateful to have found a supportive online community.
Eight months ago, I made a list of divorce attorneys I was interested in talking to. Then I shoved that list into my sock drawer because I got scared and convinced myself I was overreacting.
Today I took that list back out. I'll be making phone calls. And tomorrow I meet with my therapist, and I'll be sure to discuss this with her as well.
I woke up this morning and decided I didn't want to and didn't need to stay in this relationship anymore and told myself it was okay to leave. Weirdly enough, I felt like immediate relief.
Eight months ago, I made a list of divorce attorneys I was interested in talking to. Then I shoved that list into my sock drawer because I got scared and convinced myself I was overreacting.
Today I took that list back out. I'll be making phone calls. And tomorrow I meet with my therapist, and I'll be sure to discuss this with her as well.
I woke up this morning and decided I didn't want to and didn't need to stay in this relationship anymore and told myself it was okay to leave. Weirdly enough, I felt like immediate relief.
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