Did I make the right decision to break up with him?
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"Did I make the right decision to break up with him?"
Yes, absolutely YES! You have given yourself the gift
of an opportunity to be in a healthy relationship and
end one in which you were sidelined to an addiction.
Your intelligence, graciousness, honesty, kindness, caring,
courage and beauty shine through in your writing. I know
there is a lot I don't know
, but I'm pretty sure God would
like for you to share all those wonderful qualities with
someone who appreciates them and can reciprocate. ((hugs))
Yes, absolutely YES! You have given yourself the gift
of an opportunity to be in a healthy relationship and
end one in which you were sidelined to an addiction.
Your intelligence, graciousness, honesty, kindness, caring,
courage and beauty shine through in your writing. I know
there is a lot I don't know
, but I'm pretty sure God wouldlike for you to share all those wonderful qualities with
someone who appreciates them and can reciprocate. ((hugs))
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by honeypig 
Absolutely I thought this. I felt so sure that he was the one, the knight in shining armor come to rescue me. He told me right off that he was an A, but that he'd been to AA and he was able to drink socially now. I knew no better and wanted so desperately for things to work out that I let it go at that.
He was good at hiding things, and I was good at not asking questions and at accepting non-answers. He felt like safety and love to me, and those were 2 things I craved above all else. Yes, he was the alcoholic in the relationship, but I had a good big heap of my own baggage too.
We were together not quite 2 years, then married and stayed married for 19 more. We are 3 years divorced now. Between Alanon, SR, and any number of books, podcasts, and CDs, I've learned and grown a lot.
We have been in touch on and off since splitting up, and when I do talk to him or see him now, the thing that strikes me most is how we seem to have spent the last 25 years in parallel universes. Some of our memories are the same, but in so many cases, you would never know we were talking about the same incident when you heard each of us recount the experience, just b/c the stories are SO different. We may as well have been on separate planets, for all the real sharing and intimacy that went on. And it took me a long time to see and believe that.
This used to make me incredibly sad, and it still can at times. For the most part, though, I've come to accept that this is simply the way it is. I can't un-see the truth. I can't un-ring the bell. And for that, as well as all the other lessons I've learned and the way they are changing my life going forward, I am eternally grateful.
He was good at hiding things, and I was good at not asking questions and at accepting non-answers. He felt like safety and love to me, and those were 2 things I craved above all else. Yes, he was the alcoholic in the relationship, but I had a good big heap of my own baggage too.
We were together not quite 2 years, then married and stayed married for 19 more. We are 3 years divorced now. Between Alanon, SR, and any number of books, podcasts, and CDs, I've learned and grown a lot.
We have been in touch on and off since splitting up, and when I do talk to him or see him now, the thing that strikes me most is how we seem to have spent the last 25 years in parallel universes. Some of our memories are the same, but in so many cases, you would never know we were talking about the same incident when you heard each of us recount the experience, just b/c the stories are SO different. We may as well have been on separate planets, for all the real sharing and intimacy that went on. And it took me a long time to see and believe that.
This used to make me incredibly sad, and it still can at times. For the most part, though, I've come to accept that this is simply the way it is. I can't un-see the truth. I can't un-ring the bell. And for that, as well as all the other lessons I've learned and the way they are changing my life going forward, I am eternally grateful.
Thank you so much for sharing your story to help me honeypig. Wow! Although an alcoholic is an alcoholic regardless of whether he/she lets you know upfront or not, I would have greatly appreciated it if my ex had told me he was an alcoholic from the onset just like yours did. Like you, I believe I chose to ignore the red flags because I wanted to give the relationship some more time to ascertain that the signs I had been seeing were legitimate. I will never forget an incident that occurred three weeks into our relationship. I tried calling him all day and he finally responded at about 7:30 in the evening. At this point I was very concerned. It was still early enough in the relationship for me to cut my losses. I asked him whether he was really single, and whether he was really ready for a relationship and I let him know that I was willing to cut my losses at this point and end the relationship if it was not working for me. He assured me that he was crazy about me, and that had just enjoyed a fun night out with friends, and that he had just spent the day sleeping because he had gotten home at around 6 o'clock that morning. I believed him and I chose to let that incident go. However, in hindsight, I truly believe that he was passed out all day that day. It's amazing how your ex-husband views certain experiences through different lenses from yours. That would certainly make me sad too. You are right. There comes a point where we just have to accept what is. I am learning to do that regarding my relationship with my ex everyday.
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[QUOTE=trailmix;6914765]You might be able to relate to some of these threads..
Thank you so much trailmix. I will spend some significant time reading through those. I appreciate your help more than you know.
Thank you so much trailmix. I will spend some significant time reading through those. I appreciate your help more than you know.
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Originally Posted by Belletifemme18
I believe I chose to ignore the red flags because I wanted to give the relationship some more time to ascertain that the signs I had been seeing were legitimate. I will never forget an incident that occurred three weeks into our relationship. I tried calling him all day and he finally responded at about 7:30 in the evening. At this point I was very concerned. It was still early enough in the relationship for me to cut my losses. I asked him whether he was really single, and whether he was really ready for a relationship and I let him know that I was willing to cut my losses at this point and end the relationship if it was not working for me. He assured me that he was crazy about me, and that had just enjoyed a fun night out with friends, and that he had just spent the day sleeping because he had gotten home at around 6 o'clock that morning. I believed him and I chose to let that incident go. However, in hindsight, I truly believe that he was passed out all day that day.
Hang in there!
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Originally Posted by Clover71
I'm sorry you are in pain, but I'm also in the dodged the bullet crowd. A couple things stood out to me
The adding of the shots - that's what he chose to allow you to see. Chances are he had hidden drinking or would have soon. My AH started with that, and then he had not only "open" bottles but also hidden ones. Sometimes he would go completely underground with it and sometimes somewhat out on the open. I never know how much he is having
Not being able to reach him by text - there was no trust there possibly because he became inconsistent a/o because you already knew. Who needs to sit home and worry about what someone else is doing or not doing? You deserved to be doing something else
The adding of the shots - that's what he chose to allow you to see. Chances are he had hidden drinking or would have soon. My AH started with that, and then he had not only "open" bottles but also hidden ones. Sometimes he would go completely underground with it and sometimes somewhat out on the open. I never know how much he is having
Not being able to reach him by text - there was no trust there possibly because he became inconsistent a/o because you already knew. Who needs to sit home and worry about what someone else is doing or not doing? You deserved to be doing something else
Thank you Clover71. I'm so sorry that you experienced this. I hope you are doing better these days. Now that my eyes are wide open, I believe that he just allowed me to see part of his drinking. Something tells me that had I stayed with him, I would have been made aware of the entire alcoholic that he is. He played the game really smart with me. He would call me right on his drive home from work every day and we would talk for about an hour. I would not hear from him for about four hours after that. If I ever tried to call him in between that time, I would very rarely hear back from him. I believe this was his set time to drink in the evenings. Or, who knows? Maybe you could have had something else going on. But, bottom line is, I agree with you when you say that I very well may not have been aware of the full picture. And yes, I got tired of sitting at home worrying, where he didn't seem to be the least bit perturbed.
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Originally Posted by 53500
His thought process is pretty obvious, isn't it? He is quite content with how much he drinks. That he can continue to drink whenever he wants is his top priority. He'll say (and maybe believes) anything to support continuing to drink.
I'd say that not being able to find his way home at night, sleeping on the streets, having his phone and money stolen and everything else that happens when you *sleep on the street* is pretty harsh.
However, harsher things will happen unless he stops drinking. Maybe they already have and you just don't know about it.
Oh my, that's reason enough to not be with him. Sounds like he got hooked early on and never grew up, emotionally.
You don't need this. You dodged a bullet.
I'd say that not being able to find his way home at night, sleeping on the streets, having his phone and money stolen and everything else that happens when you *sleep on the street* is pretty harsh.
However, harsher things will happen unless he stops drinking. Maybe they already have and you just don't know about it.
Oh my, that's reason enough to not be with him. Sounds like he got hooked early on and never grew up, emotionally.
You don't need this. You dodged a bullet.
53500 you are the best! Thank you so much for this. I found it so shocking that these consequences weren't enough to deter him. His behavior and the consequences were so disturbing and scary to me. Well, he told me several times that he has been lucky all of his life and that he believes that he will continue to be lucky. He said that he has been drinking the way he has for over 20 years now and has not gotten in trouble. I mean... what more trouble is he looking to get into to bring home the point that his drinking is detrimental and destructive?
Yes, the goal of smoking pot was mind-boggling to me. All how I look at it, he is on a path to destroying his life and the lives of others. This is not the kind of man I need to be spending my future with. I have never been married or engaged because I have spent the majority of my adult life focusing on being the best single mother that I could be to my baby, and on earning my Bachelors, Masters, and PhD. I have always envisioned myself marrying a wonderful man and enjoying a beautiful life with him. I just don't see how possible this could be with an alcoholic. I think my ex is such an amazing man with so much to over but he is throwing his life away and that saddens me. I will continue to stay strong though. I am already feeling significantly better talking with all of you here.
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Originally Posted by mylifeismine
"Did I make the right decision to break up with him?"
Yes, absolutely YES! You have given yourself the gift
of an opportunity to be in a healthy relationship and
end one in which you were sidelined to an addiction.
Your intelligence, graciousness, honesty, kindness, caring,
courage and beauty shine through in your writing. I know
there is a lot I don't know, but I'm pretty sure God would
like for you to share all those wonderful qualities with
someone who appreciates them and can reciprocate. ((hugs))
Yes, absolutely YES! You have given yourself the gift
of an opportunity to be in a healthy relationship and
end one in which you were sidelined to an addiction.
Your intelligence, graciousness, honesty, kindness, caring,
courage and beauty shine through in your writing. I know
there is a lot I don't know
, but I'm pretty sure God wouldlike for you to share all those wonderful qualities with
someone who appreciates them and can reciprocate. ((hugs))
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
Hey Belle, I've been following this thread and wanted to let you know I can relate to a lot of the same feelings you're having about your breakup with your XABF. This latest post really resonated with me because I had a similar incident with my ex about 4 weeks into our relationship, and like you, I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt because he had me convinced that it was a one-off incident and that I was his priority. But then his drinking continued to get in the way of things. He would often go out "for dinner and *a* drink" with a friend/client, but then be unreachable until the next morning. It wasn't every single time he went out, but it seemed to happen frequently enough that it began to plant seeds of doubt and mistrust in my mind. Like you, I have struggled with second-guessing my decision to walk away from the relationship, but coming on here and reading others' stories has been so helpful.
Hang in there!
Hang in there!
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He said that he has been drinking the way he has for over 20 years now
It's very sad but you can't fix him and you deserve someone who can be an equal partner, not a child in a man's body, which is what he sounds like.
::Hugs::
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Originally Posted by 53500
And he's 44? So he started when he was under 14 years old? Yikes. Actually that explains a lot. At 12, 13, 14...whenever he started drinking... one's brain is not fully developed. One's emotional development is nowhere near that of an adult .
It's very sad but you can't fix him and you deserve someone who can be an equal partner, not a child in a man's body, which is what he sounds like.
::Hugs::
It's very sad but you can't fix him and you deserve someone who can be an equal partner, not a child in a man's body, which is what he sounds like.
::Hugs::
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Honestly, I believe he started drinking in his teen years. Based on some of the drinking stories that he told me occurred when he was in high school, I believe he started drinking heavily long before age 24.
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Originally Posted by Belletifemme18
When I first met him, I observed how much he drank, which was a few beers in one sitting and felt that it was a lot, however, since he never showed signs of being drunk, then I did not make it an issue. He starts each weekend by drinking 2- 4, 16 oz margaritas on a Friday night. On Saturdays, he drinks beers all throughout the day. On Sundays he drinks a few beers.
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Originally Posted by 53500
And he's 44? So he started when he was under 14 years old? Yikes. Actually that explains a lot. At 12, 13, 14...whenever he started drinking... one's brain is not fully developed. One's emotional development is nowhere near that of an adult .
It's very sad but you can't fix him and you deserve someone who can be an equal partner, not a child in a man's body, which is what he sounds like.
::Hugs::
It's very sad but you can't fix him and you deserve someone who can be an equal partner, not a child in a man's body, which is what he sounds like.
::Hugs::
Yes, I probably should not have left him out by himself but I had had enough of his drinking that night. I asked him to go home many times and he didn't want to. So, I just left and went back to the hotel alone. I was so distraught that I put myself in danger that night by walking through the dangerous dark streets of Dallas for half an hour to get to the hotel. I couldn't even think straight. I could have gotten raped or killed that night. WOW! As I'm sitting hear writing this I can't believe that I put up with this and stuck around in the relationship for a few more months. He showed no remorse by the way. He just kept on blaming me for everything that happened that night. So childish...
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Originally Posted by Belletifemme18
53500. You hit the nail right on the head regarding him being a child in a man's body. Many times I felt frustrated with his childish thoughts and behaviors. I think the bar-hopping was at the top of my list. Call me naive but I had never even heard of the term or maybe had never paid attention to it until I was in a relationship with him. The primary frustration I felt was that he was bar hopping at 40 something years old. I thought that sort of thing was for people in their early to mid twenties? I am not a heavy drinker at all. I just have two drinks in social situations and that's it, so I didn't understand how he could want to keep on going from bar to bar to drink more all night. Another problem is he always transferred the blame to me. For example, one night when he slept out on the streets and came back to our hotel at around 8:00 in the morning, he said: " if you didn't leave me out by self I would not have gotten drunk. I figured, you left me so I'm just gonna drink and get drunk to get back at you for going back to the hotel without me". Such childish thinking and childish behavior....
Yes, I probably should not have left him out by himself but I had had enough of his drinking that night. I asked him to go home many times and he didn't want to. So, I just left and went back to the hotel alone. I was so distraught that I put myself in danger that night by walking through the dangerous dark streets of Dallas for half an hour to get to the hotel. I couldn't even think straight. I could have gotten raped or killed that night. WOW! As I'm sitting hear writing this I can't believe that I put up with this and stuck around in the relationship for a few more months. He showed no remorse by the way. He just kept on blaming me for everything that happened that night. So childish...
Yes, I probably should not have left him out by himself but I had had enough of his drinking that night. I asked him to go home many times and he didn't want to. So, I just left and went back to the hotel alone. I was so distraught that I put myself in danger that night by walking through the dangerous dark streets of Dallas for half an hour to get to the hotel. I couldn't even think straight. I could have gotten raped or killed that night. WOW! As I'm sitting hear writing this I can't believe that I put up with this and stuck around in the relationship for a few more months. He showed no remorse by the way. He just kept on blaming me for everything that happened that night. So childish...
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
I feel like we dated the same guy! Except mine is 39. I can't believe how similar some of their behavior is. Mine also prioritized his drinking and "maintaining his buzz" over my comfort/safety/feelings and showed no remorse if I ever said anything about it. It was unfathomable to me at the time that a grown man could be so selfish and immature.
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Another problem is he always transferred the blame to me. For example, one night when he slept out on the streets and came back to our hotel at around 8:00 in the morning, he said: " if you didn't leave me out by self I would not have gotten drunk. I figured, you left me so I'm just gonna drink and get drunk to get back at you for going back to the hotel without me". Such childish thinking and childish behavior....
Yes, I probably should not have left him out by himself but I had had enough of his drinking that night. I asked him to go home many times and he didn't want to. So, I just left and went back to the hotel alone. I was so distraught that I put myself in danger that night by walking through the dangerous dark streets of Dallas for half an hour to get to the hotel. I couldn't even think straight. I could have gotten raped or killed that night. WOW! As I'm sitting hear writing this I can't believe that I put up with this and stuck around in the relationship for a few more months. He showed no remorse by the way. He just kept on blaming me for everything that happened that night. So childish...
Yes, I probably should not have left him out by himself but I had had enough of his drinking that night. I asked him to go home many times and he didn't want to. So, I just left and went back to the hotel alone. I was so distraught that I put myself in danger that night by walking through the dangerous dark streets of Dallas for half an hour to get to the hotel. I couldn't even think straight. I could have gotten raped or killed that night. WOW! As I'm sitting hear writing this I can't believe that I put up with this and stuck around in the relationship for a few more months. He showed no remorse by the way. He just kept on blaming me for everything that happened that night. So childish...
Many years ago when I was a college student and with my ex-addict fiance, there were nights I followed him around horrible parts of Brooklyn, NY as he chased drugs. I was once stopped by the cops at a bus station so they could search my purse. I've been in a car with him as he drove, drunk and stoned, on mountain roads in upstate NY. To this day I cannot believe I lived this life for four seconds, let alone four years. Love is truly blind. I'm eternally grateful I got out of that alive and grateful you did, also.
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Originally Posted by Belletifemme18
Yes, it is beyond disturbing and scary too. We deserve to be with men who would put our safety above getting drunk and who would at the very least be remorseful and apologize if they hurt us. My ex had a hard time apologizing to me when he was wrong. He would never hold me and comfort me when he hurt me. It really hurt deeply when he treated me this way. We don't deserve this. We deserve someone who is mature, mentally and emotionally stable, free of addictions, responsible, loving and kind to us.
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Originally Posted by 53500
Not only childish, it is addict behavior. Ugh. Awful you were in that situation, in a dangerous area alone, and then he takes no responsibility - but that is par for the course for addicts. I'm so glad nothing terrible happened to you.
Many years ago when I was a college student and with my ex-addict fiance, there were nights I followed him around horrible parts of Brooklyn, NY as he chased drugs. I was once stopped by the cops at a bus station so they could search my purse. I've been in a car with him as he drove, drunk and stoned, on mountain roads in upstate NY. To this day I cannot believe I lived this life for four seconds, let alone four years. Love is truly blind. I'm eternally grateful I got out of that alive and grateful you did, also.
Many years ago when I was a college student and with my ex-addict fiance, there were nights I followed him around horrible parts of Brooklyn, NY as he chased drugs. I was once stopped by the cops at a bus station so they could search my purse. I've been in a car with him as he drove, drunk and stoned, on mountain roads in upstate NY. To this day I cannot believe I lived this life for four seconds, let alone four years. Love is truly blind. I'm eternally grateful I got out of that alive and grateful you did, also.
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Originally Posted by Looking4Clues
I so hear you on that. My ex NEVER apologized for anything. He lacked empathy as well and wouldn’t offer any comfort either. I often wondered if he had a personality disorder, but it could have just been the alcoholism. They don’t deserve us!
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