biminiblue

You've heard, "When I know better I do better?"

It takes time to get to know someone. We don't want to believe that someone we love has a problem.

Once you put together the many pieces of this puzzle, you got out.

It still takes time to grieve the lost promise, and the lost story we make up in our heads about how it's going to be.

You'll get better. It took me about eight months to get past the grief of my last broken relationship. You'll get there.

Hopeworks

Being an oldtimer now out of the dating realm this brings me back to my choices of those shining stars that blazed so brightly and were such a perfect "mesh" of our body, mind and souls! The perfect guy!

Looking back the signs were there (long distance) the crazy ex-wives and girlfriend stories (who checks?) and other little red flags along the way that involved too much alcohol... but I hadn't learned yet that :

Red Flags are NOT party favors so do not collect them!

That perfect guy with the perfect job, perfect teeth, perfect body and light up the room personality. He is serving time in North Carolina prison now (years after I broke up with him the consequences starting rolling in)... He isn't that super handsome guy anymore as there is nothing attractive about an aging alkie in stripes!

But the funny part is that I did talk to the ex-wife and I was just the latest in years of serial cheating, divorce and uncontrolled alcoholism!

What if we rang up all these crazy ex-girlfriends and had a chat about their experiences? 10 years ago I would have wanted to do that but today... I already know what the answers would be!

Nothing changes if nothing changes and he has already told you who he is...believe him. He is not going to stop drinking. period. His drinking is clearly alcoholic and it is progressive. The day will come... institutions, jails or death eventually.

You don't want to be there... eject! eject! eject! Pull your parachute and take care of yourself because you dodged a bullet with that guy.

Readers Digest: You absolutely made the right choice! Thanks for asking us because we love the license to tell the unvarnished truth about untreated alcoholism and addiction.

Belletifemme18

Yes I will SparkleKitty. Thank you. I was in the relationship so I know what I experienced when he was drunk. The friends who are encouraging me to stay will never understand.

Belletifemme18

Thank you so much biminiblue. You've hit the nail right on the head. He did a great job of hiding the extent of his drinking from me for the first year and to be honest, I still don't think I have discovered the full truth regarding how much he really drinks. I loved this man so much. We talked about our future and we talked about the world travels we would go on once he took an early retirement in a couple of years. A huge red flag came up for me when I asked him whether he had any plans once he retired because I was concerned that with more time on his hands, his drinking would increase. Well he said to me that he planned to start smoking pot as well. How ambitious!!! Which 44 year old is looking forward to starting to smoke pot? He claimed that he would stop drinking in order to smoke pot! I just couldn't wrap my head around this as this is just not who I am and what I am interested in. I felt that I had caught onto his secret of his drinking problem and so he wanted me out of the way. I just finished month 4 of zero contact and I truly feel better but not 100% . Thank you for sharing that it took a minimum of 8 months for you to get over your last broken relationship. I'm looking forward to that day.

Belletifemme18

Thank you Hopeworks! I appreciate you sharing your story. It is similar to mine but without any major consequences just yet. I thought he was so handsome: beautiful green eyes, fit and tall, perfect white teeth, beautiful skin, super smart, funny, super fun and adventurous, very romantic and giving. That's why I guess it's been hard to get over him and also why I believe he thinks he's invincible.

I certainly do not want to be part of his self-destruction. I had already started seeing signs that he was going to bring me down with him. I found myself sitting with him in bars all the time (something I never used to do) I know my limits and I have one to two drinks when I go out. I have never been drunk in my life. He got drunk on several occasions and spoke loudly at the bars and always needed me to chauffeur him home which I did not appreciate. He also liked to bar hop occasionally! This was so foreign to me as I had never even come across the term before ( so naive of me). This was a problem for me because on a couple of occasions I would argue with him in public that he had had enough to drink. I am so grateful that people in my town did not see me doing this as I am well known and respected because of the work that I do. Most importantly I wanted to set the right example for my child.

I have no doubt that his exes would share similar stories and experiences related to his drinking with me. I just know it deep down.

He definitely doesn't want to change. He told me many times that he loves the feeling that he gets when he has a "buzz". (I hope I articulated this correctly). LOL.

While I love him so much, I am grateful that I have had the logic to take a step back and imagine my future with him. He told me that he once went on a cruise and spent over $700 on alcohol!!! WOW! So, I've imagined what vacations and the future would look like for us and I see him drunk and I see me anxious, crying, worried, hurt and stressed out. (Feelings that I experienced on the nights he slept out on the streets). Ive also imagined what living with him would be like as this progressed and I see many sleepless nights worried about him and even arguing with him. In my heart, I know that I should never want him back and I am definitely taking all of the steps that I can to ensure that I don't but it's still a tough journey. Thank you all so very much for your support.

biminiblue

Every day will get easier though.

I was a mess. I got involved with my high school sweetheart decades later. It seemed so story-book. Yeah as long as it's long distance.

I made up all kinds of stories in my head and the potency of long-lost but remembered youth played right into it.

I say definitely don't contact him, and don't look at his facebook or any of his family or friends' social media accounts either. A clean break is the only way.

You don't have to take as long as I did, but there definitely is a grieving process! I was really mad at myself for falling for it. At least I didn't sell my house and move ...made that mistake once already.

We believe them - because WE aren't hiding anything. None of it makes sense, but they have a different rulebook.

Belletifemme18

You mention that you have been reading around and you have some understanding of alcoholism now. Before all this how much did you know? Did you think people who drank too much (I mean huge drinkers, or weekend binge drinkers etc etc) just liked to drink? Whether that was to drown their sorrows or just party, did you know about the changes to the brain? Did you understand at all the compulsion to drink that alcoholics have?

Point being, there is no way people who have no knowledge of alcoholism can understand. Maybe they think he could get married and "settle down" and have children and this silly drinking/partying thing will disappear. You now know that's not going to happen (they don't know).

Of course you made him a "better man" - it would seem he was curbing his drinking for you. You mention he drank 3 of the 4 weekends of your vacation. That probably took an incredible amount of will power on his part. Most alcoholics can abstain for short periods.

Your decision is clear headed and shows care for yourself.[/QUOTE]


Thank you trailmix. Honestly, I've learned so much about the levels of alcoholism and different types of alcoholics such as daily drinkers, weekend binge drinkers, those who drink a bottle or more of vodka or however many six packs a day. I realize my ex is a binge drinker but he may probably be worse than this as I didn't see him often. When he drinks on a weekend, he listens to very sad songs. I asked him why, and he said that the sad songs gotten through a lot of hurt and pain in his life. I asked him whether he had ever addressed his pain with a professional, and he told me that he did not believe in therapy. He also has no higher power that he believes in. He does not believe in God. I truly believe that he is a lost soul. Alcohol seems to be his higher power and that is unfortunate. He refuses to go have a conversation with a professional about his traumatic emotional experiences and deliberately keeps reliving his sadness by listening to sad music.

I do believe that he was trying very hard to not drink as much, and I certainly told him how proud of I was of him for it, but he did not quite succeed. I wish he would've been honest upfront, and I wish his family would have said something to me about his drinking . I just feel betrayed by him and by his family. But, there is light at the end of the tunnel and I'm looking toword a full recovery.

Belletifemme18

It is definitely a shame that your high school sweetheart was still the same person decades later. There were many moments when I did a double take and wondered if I was dealing with a teenager ( my ex). His high level of immaturity really frustrated me at times. I just didn't understand how a 44 year old could think and behave so immaturely. I am ashamed to say that have definitely been guilty of watching his and his family's social media accounts, and so I put a stop to that a few weeks ago. I do need to make a clean break and I will never stop working on myself.

Thank goodness you didn't sell your house and move, as I'm sure you would have been devastated considering how things turned out. A higher power was looking out for you 🤗.

biminiblue

No, he was a nice person in high school.

Years of drugs and alcohol and numerous failed relationships changed him. He had a public persona of being mister sweetheart but when we were alone he was bitter and controlling.

They say peoples' emotional maturity gets stuck at whatever age they started drinking. I don't know if that's true.

Raindrops

Your story is similar to mine except one thing- I married the man.
We dated for a while . Most of it was long distance. I knew he drank on weekends but I did not know how much. Well I married him. When I finally moved in , I did not know what alcoholism was. I even drank with him on some weekend. Only that he outdrank me every single time and passed out. Fast forward five years and his disease progressing, he wanted to drink every evening or atleast some weekdays. This after our endless fights. After him leaving me on the road, deflecting all the blame, using me as a shield for his parents. When I objected to his drinking, he just hid and drank. He would lie. He would stop on the way from work and have shots. I finally had enough and filed for divorce when I saw him in the closet wth a bottle of vodka to his mouth. He was hiding because he felt shame too. He tried controlling it for a while during our marriage to just limiting it to weekends ( atleast Thats what he said ) . I finally got sick of the emotional roller coaster, went through depression and suicidal ideation before I knew there was nothing I could do to make him stop. I had to lookout for myself. It's a lonely marriage- your partner may or may not be present for things that matter to you .
Anyway , I am a year into my divorce and I never heard from him. He moved on with a new girl who would support his drinking for now. It's a cycle.
I also found out right before leaving that he had a DUI in the past. He is a high functioning alcoholic. He never had a problem with his drinking. Only I did.
We had the best of times. Went on vacations . Did things together. But there was also a lot of emotional and verbal abuse when I wasn't being his enabler or voicing my concern about his drinking.
Relationships/ marriage are a two way street. Unfortunately if one person doesn't want to work on themselves, there is nothing you can do. I wish there was something I could say or do that would make him see the picture. But I finally had to give up on my marriage. I was tired .

Take care of yourself. Grieve it. Be gentle on yourself. In the long run, you did what was best for you.

Belletifemme18

Thank you so much for sharing your story Raindrops. I am so sorry you went through this but I'm happy to hear that you were able to leave with your dignity. WOW! This could have been me. Your story puts things in perspective for me. I think God was looking out for me though. We never got to the point where he yelled at me or verbally abused me, however he was quick to call me insecure whenever I would let him know my concerns about his drinking. He would also not talk to me for days when we got into an argument and that hurt me really badly. So, I experienced some type of emotional neglect from him. WOW! This disease is really destructive to all in its path. They just want us to accept their behavior and not say anything about it. That's what my ex wanted. He wanted to enjoy his life of drinking and have me at the same time. I think it is so unfair that they could inflict so much hurt and pain on us and just move on with their lives like nothing happened. I just don't get it.
What gives me hope is that I still have alot going for myself. I may have been bruised but I refuse to be broken ...

emmab219

We can't someone who doesn't want to change.

I'm glad you found this place, it's been so helpful to me and I think it will be a great support network for you!

Belletifemme18

Thank you emmab219. I've learned that for sure. initially I thought the "special love" that he said he felt with me would have been enough to make him realize that he had a valuable relationship worth keeping but I've realized and read around on this site that no amount of love that you give to an alcoholic will cause him/her to change and that an alcoholic will throw away and give up everyone and everything to be able to drink. It's just so heartbreaking. All of you have helped me so much and have allowed me a safe place to let it all out. I can't thank you all enough.

Belletifemme18

Were any of your alcoholic partners amazing and did you all have a "picture perfect" relationship with your alcoholics in the beginning? At what point did it turn around for the worse? Mine started exactly one year into my relationship and I could tell at that point that something was definitely wrong.

SparkleKitty

I ignored a lot of red flags in the beginning, which made it seem awesome, but if I am honest with myself, no. He was fun and smart and he had a terrible problem that we both minimized when things were new and exciting between us. The more comfortable he got and the more sure he was that I was around to stay, the more he showed who he really was, and the more my codependency amped up.

Belletifemme18

WOW! Thank you so much SparkleKitty! That sounds exactly like my situation. Besides the drinking, my ex would gamble sometimes when I would visit him (of course he could have had a bigger gambling problem of which I was aware) and he would drink a lot of Jack and coke for hours while gambling while I just sat there and watched him. The gambling, coupled with his drinking and wondering eye didn't feel right to me. One time I threatened to break up with him and he said to me "you love me don't you"? He knew I was in pretty deep by then so he felt safe to behave badly thinking i would stick around forever. I gave him so many chances to get it together but I should have left him much sooner. I am seeing things so much clear now that I'm sharing this with all of you and now that I'm learning about your stories.

honeypig

Absolutely I thought this. I felt so sure that he was the one, the knight in shining armor come to rescue me. He told me right off that he was an A, but that he'd been to AA and he was able to drink socially now. I knew no better and wanted so desperately for things to work out that I let it go at that.

He was good at hiding things, and I was good at not asking questions and at accepting non-answers. He felt like safety and love to me, and those were 2 things I craved above all else. Yes, he was the alcoholic in the relationship, but I had a good big heap of my own baggage too.

We were together not quite 2 years, then married and stayed married for 19 more. We are 3 years divorced now. Between Alanon, SR, and any number of books, podcasts, and CDs, I've learned and grown a lot.

We have been in touch on and off since splitting up, and when I do talk to him or see him now, the thing that strikes me most is how we seem to have spent the last 25 years in parallel universes. Some of our memories are the same, but in so many cases, you would never know we were talking about the same incident when you heard each of us recount the experience, just b/c the stories are SO different. We may as well have been on separate planets, for all the real sharing and intimacy that went on. And it took me a long time to see and believe that.

This used to make me incredibly sad, and it still can at times. For the most part, though, I've come to accept that this is simply the way it is. I can't un-see the truth. I can't un-ring the bell. And for that, as well as all the other lessons I've learned and the way they are changing my life going forward, I am eternally grateful.

trailmix

You might be able to relate to some of these threads/posts:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6909173 (Newcomer tough memorial day)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6904828 (Goodbye is hard)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6880848 (First post- just got dumped)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6855035 (Why do I keep thinking about him?)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6795295 (Stages of awareness)

Clover71

I'm sorry you are in pain, but I'm also in the dodged the bullet crowd. A couple things stood out to me

The adding of the shots - that's what he chose to allow you to see. Chances are he had hidden drinking or would have soon. My AH started with that, and then he had not only "open" bottles but also hidden ones. Sometimes he would go completely underground with it and sometimes somewhat out on the open. I never know how much he is having


Not being able to reach him by text - there was no trust there possibly because he became inconsistent a/o because you already knew. Who needs to sit home and worry about what someone else is doing or not doing? You deserved to be doing something else

53500

His thought process is pretty obvious, isn't it? He is quite content with how much he drinks. That he can continue to drink whenever he wants is his top priority. He'll say (and maybe believes) anything to support continuing to drink.

I'd say that not being able to find his way home at night, sleeping on the streets, having his phone and money stolen and everything else that happens when you *sleep on the street* is pretty harsh.

However, harsher things will happen unless he stops drinking. Maybe they already have and you just don't know about it.

Oh my, that's reason enough to not be with him. Sounds like he got hooked early on and never grew up, emotionally.

You don't need this. You dodged a bullet.