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ULTIMATE BETRAYAL (thought i would post in this forum as husband is both alcoholic and drug addict)

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ULTIMATE BETRAYAL (thought i would post in this forum as husband is both alcoholic and drug addict)

Old 05-31-2018, 08:46 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I must agree with Hopeworks, fear does paralyze us. So maybe you simply are not ready to made any life changing decisions today. Maybe you can use this time to formulate a plan B. Rome wasn’t built in a day,. To be solid in our decisions lessens the emotional exhaustion. Maybe now is a good time to update your resume, And be confident, go ahead and apply for new jobs, you never know where it will lead. In reading your post, I gather if money was not such an issue, you would be long gone already, and whether you realize it, are the sane responsible parent, you are pretty much on your own already, there will never be security in a home where addiction rules. Keep posting it helps.
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Old 06-02-2018, 02:01 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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For sure. I have to have a plan before exiting. There's no such thing as a perfect exit in my case; but I have to prepare either way; in the event I have to leave, at least I know where I am and where I'm headed financially, emotionally and mentally before just throwing myself out of the marriage (esp. since he's sober now and most importantly; have a "lawful contact" restraining order and full custody of kids for 2 years; this gives me a bit of time to observe and make rational decisions). I'm focusing on rebuilding my own credit history, getting more experience at work/ and applying for higher paying positions, putting more money into my own saving account (he doesn't care about what I do with my income), paying the minivan's off, applying for a loan modification so that I can keep the house but the monthly amount decreases significantly, the term is extended for a couple of more years etc... and especially to prepare myself and the kids emotionally.





Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
I must agree with Hopeworks, fear does paralyze us. So maybe you simply are not ready to made any life changing decisions today. Maybe you can use this time to formulate a plan B. Rome wasnít built in a day,. To be solid in our decisions lessens the emotional exhaustion. Maybe now is a good time to update your resume, And be confident, go ahead and apply for new jobs, you never know where it will lead. In reading your post, I gather if money was not such an issue, you would be long gone already, and whether you realize it, are the sane responsible parent, you are pretty much on your own already, there will never be security in a home where addiction rules. Keep posting it helps.
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Old 06-02-2018, 02:25 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I'm so sorry about your husband. How are you doing now?


"As having been in a marriage for 7 years with a chronic relapser and serial cheater I can share some experience strength and hope. For the kids sake I took him back twice after catching him cheating (they were very small and had no idea of any of his issues) but the third time it was over for me and I divorced him. He ended up spiraling into deep addiction with his addictive girlfriend and he died two years ago and he cheated and broke up marriages until the day he died."

I do blame him the most but I also blame the other woman. They were both wrong. He's the one whom I blame the most, but the woman is not innocent either. She was an accomplice and played along with him.

"Trust. Serial cheaters that have an addiction history is sometimes a switched addiction... and sex addiction is just as difficult to break off as substance use disorder.But don't kid yourself... your husband left home and moved in with a lady with less than a year (if true) that is on probation because her old man died in her bed because he took HER fentanyl? This is the blind leading the blind... and he needs to be accountable for those decisions because he is the Captain of his ship and his family! If he were interested in authentic recovery a bed in a halfway house where there is real accountability and only men might have been a wiser course of action don't you think? Reminds me of the Garden when Adam blames God for giving him woman who offers the apple. Self-control anyone?He cheated. He lied. He blamed the woman. You are half buying into it because it doesn't feel as bad to let him back into the fold. "

"But what now? What is he doing to get better? Counseling? Drug testing to show that he is 100% squeaky clean? Have a sponsor? Do the steps? Going to meetings?"

We agree he is sober for 6 months before we discussed about our marriage again. He's seeing a therapist. Last time he was tested was in March when he started a new job. I believe he's clean, but going through the Post acute withdrawal symptoms. I have full access to our bank account: there's no strange, unexplained transaction, or money withdrawal. Same with his insurance pharmacy history. It shows the anti depressant only. I know if he wanted to use, theres nothing that would stop him. I just want to be more aware of his strange behavior, because I overlooked it before. Though he's depressed, his behavior is somehow the same as when he was sober.


HOw is the dad report card?

He's doing the best he can. He still has pain and fatigue here and there, but id say that he's more engaged with the kids and helps around. He's giving them bath, reads to them, watches TV( which I'm trying to limit), and takes them out occasionally. Though he still complains about being in pain and feeling tired. But he still gets it done.


I am ACOA. Adult Child of an Alcoholic. My childhood was a trainwreck and it messed up every single child in my family. I begged my mom to leave. She wouldn't... she made excuses and was afraid financially. She cared more about the stuff then us... she was sick. Co-dependent.

My dad would pretend to commit suicide. Shoot a gun out the window or slam a toilet seat. I would be the one to creep the hall and see if he was dead in a pool of blood. I remember being scared he was dead or hate myself for wishing he might finally be dead.

I am a 9 on an ACES score. I work with women that are 10's (I didn't get raped in childhood only traumatized by a rageaholic drunk). They say if you have a 3 or more you should immediately seek counseling.

How are kids REALLY taking this? Of course they want daddy around... kids are taught from day one to LOVE daddy. To want daddy. They don't have a copy of Codependant No More or a therapist to work through bizarre relationships around them. They are innocent kids trapped in a dysfunctional family.

So how is dad doing really? Is he engaged with his kids? Going to the PTA and their games and helping them with homework?

My dad said girls didn't need college and we were not worth shooting. He had 5 girls and finally a boy. All the girls are successful and drug free and college grads. The baby boy? Died of a fentanyl overdose in January of 2017.

We all worked ourselves through college. He didn't give us a penny. He died alone and as mean as ever.

But... if I had the power to do a do over or could have forced the solution somehow I would have loaded my mom and my brother and sister up and left that crazy house!

So... don't worry over raising kids alone. It happens all over the world and kids survive that far better than a traumatic, addiction fueled nightmare of childhood.

And the rollercoaster of OK one second and crazy scarey the next is the most destabling thing young children can experience. And it sticks with you... I married an addict (in recovery and loving God and all of that) who relapsed and cheated.

My broken picker picked a few more shining stars in the years after that...each one a failed experience of trying to go home to fix the broken pieces. I had to try to fix daddy subconsciously.... it took a lot of therapy for my to finally figure that out BEFORE I went on out on those super hot dates!

Anyway... don't be scared. If it starts looking rocky and the seas start to roar step off the boat onto the seashore and help those kids find some great shells.

Fear paralyzes. Don't let it get the best of you. You can do it if you need to.

Last edited by DesertEyes; 06-02-2018 at 04:06 PM. Reason: Fixed broken quote
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Old 06-02-2018, 05:19 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Strength

From what I learned from leaving my stbx alcoholic and cocaine addicted cheating lying husband of 22.5 yrs is that I didnít know how strong I really was. Staying was hard, leaving was hard and being stuck in between was the hardest part. For 2 mths after I left I wanted to still ďsaveĒ him. Finally I realized I needed to ďsaveĒ me. Leaving was the hardest decision Iíve ever made. I left and held on tight to him. After leaving the 2nd time I realized I needed him to agree that I could go. He didnít control me or even try to but I was codependent on his addictions and knew the only way Iíd leave for good is if he agreed that was best for me. It took me 3 days of begging him to let me go, once he agreed I thought I was stabbed in the chest. Now Iím 5mths into being gone and everyday Iíve realized how much living in a world of fear was the worst world for me.
I do not judge ppl or tell ppl what they should do. Iím only sharing a brief look at my story. Whatever you do, you need to do for you and your children. You canít worry about anyone else in this world but you and your babies. Please remember that this is your life too, not just your husband's. You matter and so does your happiness.

Last edited by Lostinthismess; 06-02-2018 at 05:31 PM. Reason: Typos
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