mamabear26

So I've been feeling anxious certain days and other days I am at complete peace. I've began reading the book recommended 'Codependent No More' which is a great book. I love it. I also attended any Al-anon meeting last week and received alot of great advice about coparenting with an alcoholic. However...

Last week after I picked up my younger son from his visit with his dad (older son didn't want to visit that day). My youngst son had a panic attack and was crying for hours. I kept asking him what's wrong. He would just say "his heart hurts." I was trying to figure out what happened. So I wanted till the next day to as my X if something happened over at his place because he was fine before he left with him. He got super defensive which turned into any argument. I tried to explain to him that lately he has been waking up from nightmares. I've never seen my younger son get so emotional like that. Basically my X seem to not really care. So we ended the convo. I wanted to cry so bad because it hurts to see him not give a crap about the kids. Both our sons had some baseball games last week so I texted him to let him know about the games. He never responded or showed up (he lives 3 blocks away from baseball field). After 5 days of not hearing from him he texts me acting interested in how and what our sons are doing. I just would send a quick short response back. Both boys don't even seem phased anymore whether he is present or not. But his inconsistency is so hard to deal with. I know the reason why he didn't go to boys games was because he was drinking. I just would rather him stay away if he is not going to be a consistent, stable, positive male figure in their life. How do you let your kids go off with someone who you don't even trust to take care of your dog?

trailmix

That I don't know but what I do know is something is going on here. People have panic attacks for a reason.

Seems like although the ex is not physically present in your house he is still spreading miserable-ness to you all.

I wouldn't let it go with your Son, I wouldn't grill him but just let him know he can tell you anything and there are no secrets he ever needs to keep.

Hang in there.

Mango212

Do your kids have any therapy or counseling from people who specialize with addictions in families?

(((hugs)))

Mango212

One day at a time. Oxygen mask. What are you doing for your own self care today? Nutrition, rest, activity, spiritually.

NYCDoglvr

I'd definitely get the kids into therapy of some sort. And, if you can let go of expectations about your husband -- that he cares about the children or anything else -- life would be a lot easier. A father SHOULD care but he's an alcoholic.
Alanon was a lifesaver for me, I hope it will be for you as well.

trailmix

I agree with NYCDoglvr, expectations of your Husband can be causing you a lot of unhappiness.

That is something that is completely out of your control so the sooner you can let that go the better. He isn't going to be a good Father. You probably spent some time wishing he would stop drinking and be a good Husband and Father, which also caused you a lot of stress with zero result.

I hope you will put the focus back on you and your children and on looking after yourself, take some time for yourself, your worry about his behaviour (unless you can legally do something) is a waste of your time.

hopeful4

Yes, therapy!!!

I watched my child go from having panic attacks to growing into this assertive person who speaks out for herself so much more. All through therapy.

It's so hard. It's horrible to have to drop your child off with someone who is like that. I do it every other weekend, my heart drops, my anxiety quickens. However, it's gotten so much better for me and my children through therapy.

At first I was on my XAH all the time pointing out this or that. It got us no where and made it worse. What I learned is that when you expect nothing, you are not disappointed when you get nothing. I let my children form their own opinions and am always there for them. I also never speak ill of their father, they don't need that, it never helps.

HUGE, HUGE hugs from one momma to another.

mamabear26

Thank you all for the advice! I did schedule an appointment for both boys to see a therapist next month. They feel comfortable if I was in the room with them. So guess it would be more of a family therapy. And as for my X I have came a long way it is still hard for me to grasp the fact he has completely checked out mentally and emotionally. But I feel better without him around and the kids feel less anxious too without having him around the house anymore. I've just barely in the last few weeks come to the realization that I have and will be basically raising my boys on my own. I did send a text to my X about the appointment because he had asked me to let him know if I make an appointment for them so I did tell him the time and date. He responded 2 days later with "I'll ask for the day off" We'll see if that actually happens. I had mentioned to him about doing a family therapy with him included he came back with "I don't want anybody (therapist) telling me what to do." It's so annoying he has to act that way. I told him it's better he not go if he is going to have an attitude about it.

dandylion

mamabear26.....Mango has a good thread on Alakid/Alateen…...she, also, mentions art therapy.....
there are many ways to help the kids.....

Another thought...have you considered sending the boys to camp in the summer....my kids loooved it....and, benefited in so many ways.....
As adults...they still talk about their camp adventures.....
Confession---it was, also, a delicious time for me to have some free, adult-time for myself!

mamabear26

Thank you Dandylion. I will check that out thanks for the info!

Unfortunately, I don't think I have any time of summer camp program anywhere I live. But I'll look it to it : )

mamabear26

Do any of your Ex's maintain constant contact with your kids? Or do they only talk to them on their scheduled time with kids?

Mango212

I let God lead how much contact and when. Kid's connection to God, to his gut feelings and having the right to not talk on the phone has been super important.

When my husband isn't in active recovery, I don't keep him updated about any of kid's activities, including appointments or therapy. There is no reason to cultivate his relationships for him.

I didn't make a set-in-stone decision. This is simply what's evolved for us.

mamabear26

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I do greatly appreciate the input. My X hasn't been sober in over 10 years so he is very difficult to deal with as most of you know how that goes. He complains that I don't let him know when kids have events but when I do let him know he doesn't show up. I'm tired of the games and back and forth. I've made a rule to myself that I will only give him info about kids events if he asks but if he doesn't then I'll keep to myself.