Put my guard down...
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Put my guard down...
My AH moved out in April. Since then it's been back and forth with the drinking for him. He'd quit. Then he'd start up again.
He's not working a program and now he's been sober for 3 weeks.
So what's different?? Well, he seems to be tuning into me more. It appears he's trying to be "there" for me, emotionally. And I've grown (a little anyway). I don't try to control him. I don't have the mindset that he owes me, I'm not obsessively worrying (but then again he hasn't been drinking), and I've been trying to be more clear on my needs...resetting my boundaries.
I let my guard down. I opened my heart. I should know better.... I know its going to happen again. He's going to let me down.... i feel it in my gut. But my love for him is putting the blinders on again.
I would like to work out our problems and someday be a family again. But HE'S NOT SEEKING ANY OUTSIDE HELP!!!
Am I putting myself in front a train again?? I don't want to open myself up to more pain, but I think I am.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
He's not working a program and now he's been sober for 3 weeks.
So what's different?? Well, he seems to be tuning into me more. It appears he's trying to be "there" for me, emotionally. And I've grown (a little anyway). I don't try to control him. I don't have the mindset that he owes me, I'm not obsessively worrying (but then again he hasn't been drinking), and I've been trying to be more clear on my needs...resetting my boundaries.
I let my guard down. I opened my heart. I should know better.... I know its going to happen again. He's going to let me down.... i feel it in my gut. But my love for him is putting the blinders on again.
I would like to work out our problems and someday be a family again. But HE'S NOT SEEKING ANY OUTSIDE HELP!!!
Am I putting myself in front a train again?? I don't want to open myself up to more pain, but I think I am.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
KingsWeaver, We Are One
Join Date: May 2004
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Re:Put my guard down...
Hi JessicaNAJ,
Sometimes it's not a bad thing to put your guard down, you say he's not working a program well my husband didn't either. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I was let down and had my heart broke.
Thinking this is the time that he is going to quit for good only to see him come home with a case of beer and I would think to myself oh
no here we go again! It would all start all over again the fights, the distrust and all the chaos that goes along with it.
I almost walked out that door I don't even know how many times but I stuck it out and now he is off of the beer for good, I just feel it this time in my heart. All those other times I just new deep down inside that he just wasn't ready to do it. He was quitting for all the wrong reasons.
Your very fortunate that he is tuning into you, my husband just went numb for a very long time and it seems he just crawled inside himself and I really thought I was still going to loose him, must of been the codie in me :jeez
Well, I don't don't know if you are putting yourself in front of a train or not! For your sake I hope not, but as far as more pain that will probably happen. You would be living in a fantasy world to think all the pain is just going to go away overnight. It all takes time and patience on everybody's part. Give him space and let him work through it, I don't see that it is a big deal for some to not be on a program, but then there are others that really need that support.
My husband went to a doctor and got help, was put on medicine to take the edge off and to keep his spirits up. He is doing just fine now, it has been about 3 months now. Just take a great big cleansing breath keep your spirts up and work on you and don't put yourself at his disposal, be strong you can do it.
Well, I don't know if I was much help for you, but I sure feel better!
Take care, my prayers are with you!
Penelope
Sometimes it's not a bad thing to put your guard down, you say he's not working a program well my husband didn't either. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I was let down and had my heart broke.
Thinking this is the time that he is going to quit for good only to see him come home with a case of beer and I would think to myself oh
no here we go again! It would all start all over again the fights, the distrust and all the chaos that goes along with it. I almost walked out that door I don't even know how many times but I stuck it out and now he is off of the beer for good, I just feel it this time in my heart. All those other times I just new deep down inside that he just wasn't ready to do it. He was quitting for all the wrong reasons.
Your very fortunate that he is tuning into you, my husband just went numb for a very long time and it seems he just crawled inside himself and I really thought I was still going to loose him, must of been the codie in me :jeez
Well, I don't don't know if you are putting yourself in front of a train or not! For your sake I hope not, but as far as more pain that will probably happen. You would be living in a fantasy world to think all the pain is just going to go away overnight. It all takes time and patience on everybody's part. Give him space and let him work through it, I don't see that it is a big deal for some to not be on a program, but then there are others that really need that support.
My husband went to a doctor and got help, was put on medicine to take the edge off and to keep his spirits up. He is doing just fine now, it has been about 3 months now. Just take a great big cleansing breath keep your spirts up and work on you and don't put yourself at his disposal, be strong you can do it.
Well, I don't know if I was much help for you, but I sure feel better!
Take care, my prayers are with you!
Penelope
Barn Goddess
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
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Yikes, ****{Jessica}}}. I wish I knew what to say. Some alcoholics do quit without help. Do they change inside - do they grow? I dunno. Keep doing what you're doing. Go to your meetings, make your changes - lead by example.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi,
My AH did go to rehab and some AA meetings and I mean very few. He hasn't had a drink in 17 years. He does possess the old dry-drunk syndrome at times. This is considered alcoholism without the alcohol.
He became very involved with a fraternal order with friends and was heavily involved for many years. To the point, I hated it because he was home even less than when he drank.
Over the years, I sat in a heap not growing. I suffered a severe episode of depression and found the most awesome therapist that ever walked this earth. She was very spiritual and our sessions revolved around that too.
As I grew, my husband saw the changes. It took about 2 years before I could get him to see her, but when he did, she hooked him. She taught him that life was good and for the taking. Being mean and miserable didn't do anything but make you physically ill. She told him that what he put out in the universe would come back to him. You put out "****" you get it back. You put out love, kindness and hope, you get that back.
Yeah, they can be in recovery without the assistance of AA or rehab. I know of only 1 other case other than my husband. It takes an unbelieveably strong person. However, I feel that his sessions with "Patty" helped him overcome burdens that he carried since he was a kid.
As Cadence said, lead by example. It does work. I've been having a tough time with detachment for the last couple of days and made myself detach tonight when he sat there expecting me to do something for him. He stuttered over it, but didn't bring it up directly. I walked away. A little apprehensive, but victorious.
The best part I saw tonight. He was talking with our AH son on the phone and giving him examples and ideas of how to get through the holidays. He couldn't have done this a year ago. Now he can.
Don't walk around in fear nor in anticipation of what might happen. If you let your guard down, bring it up a little. You do have to show trust and faith in their ability to whip this disease.
Hugs, Kathy
My AH did go to rehab and some AA meetings and I mean very few. He hasn't had a drink in 17 years. He does possess the old dry-drunk syndrome at times. This is considered alcoholism without the alcohol.
He became very involved with a fraternal order with friends and was heavily involved for many years. To the point, I hated it because he was home even less than when he drank.
Over the years, I sat in a heap not growing. I suffered a severe episode of depression and found the most awesome therapist that ever walked this earth. She was very spiritual and our sessions revolved around that too.
As I grew, my husband saw the changes. It took about 2 years before I could get him to see her, but when he did, she hooked him. She taught him that life was good and for the taking. Being mean and miserable didn't do anything but make you physically ill. She told him that what he put out in the universe would come back to him. You put out "****" you get it back. You put out love, kindness and hope, you get that back.
Yeah, they can be in recovery without the assistance of AA or rehab. I know of only 1 other case other than my husband. It takes an unbelieveably strong person. However, I feel that his sessions with "Patty" helped him overcome burdens that he carried since he was a kid.
As Cadence said, lead by example. It does work. I've been having a tough time with detachment for the last couple of days and made myself detach tonight when he sat there expecting me to do something for him. He stuttered over it, but didn't bring it up directly. I walked away. A little apprehensive, but victorious.
The best part I saw tonight. He was talking with our AH son on the phone and giving him examples and ideas of how to get through the holidays. He couldn't have done this a year ago. Now he can.
Don't walk around in fear nor in anticipation of what might happen. If you let your guard down, bring it up a little. You do have to show trust and faith in their ability to whip this disease.
Hugs, Kathy
Last edited by gelfling; 11-08-2004 at 08:44 PM. Reason: added something
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Hi,
Boy does this story sound so familiar, about 4 weeks ago my AH drank in our home for the last time. I called the police and because of that Childrens Aid had to be called to check on the children and it was decided that he would not be allowed back in the home drinking as it was upsetting the children and myself. He quit drinking in '82 for 10 years but started again and has tried the program a few times inbetween then and now. After spending the night in jail he came home and I told him he wasnt allowed back and he immediately went to the recovery home, he has now been sober for just over a month and we attend meetings every other day.
I guess with Alanon I have learned I have to let my guard down and just live and let live as hard as that may be, and IT IS.
Somedays I feel so much resentment and anger and question if he will drink again, but then I just slowly repeat the serenity prayer and remember that I cannot change him and I cant worry about tomorrow, one day at a time and remember you are not alone!!!
Boy does this story sound so familiar, about 4 weeks ago my AH drank in our home for the last time. I called the police and because of that Childrens Aid had to be called to check on the children and it was decided that he would not be allowed back in the home drinking as it was upsetting the children and myself. He quit drinking in '82 for 10 years but started again and has tried the program a few times inbetween then and now. After spending the night in jail he came home and I told him he wasnt allowed back and he immediately went to the recovery home, he has now been sober for just over a month and we attend meetings every other day.
I guess with Alanon I have learned I have to let my guard down and just live and let live as hard as that may be, and IT IS.
Somedays I feel so much resentment and anger and question if he will drink again, but then I just slowly repeat the serenity prayer and remember that I cannot change him and I cant worry about tomorrow, one day at a time and remember you are not alone!!!
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He didn't call me last night - Hmmm.... usually when he don't call he's at the bar. I didn't call him either (i'm so proud of myself). Instead, I spent the evening relaxing with my kids and reading my literature.
I'm trying to look on the bright side, maybe he didn't go to the bar, maybe he was just busy doing other things and when he had the chance to call me it was too late. In the long run, I guess it doesn't really matter what he was doing. I had a good night and that's what counts. But, if he did go to the bar, then I have a good reason to be worried about letting my guard down, right??
I'm trying to look on the bright side, maybe he didn't go to the bar, maybe he was just busy doing other things and when he had the chance to call me it was too late. In the long run, I guess it doesn't really matter what he was doing. I had a good night and that's what counts. But, if he did go to the bar, then I have a good reason to be worried about letting my guard down, right??
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Join Date: Aug 2004
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Oh Jessica I wish I had some real insight to this situation. But you have a few examples above where it has been done. Are you on the train, you might be, but maybe he's on the new track to recovery for good this time. You will never know for sure unfortunately without living through it and that's what sucks....none of us have that crystal ball that will tell us what the future will bring.
Until that time, keep doing what you're doing. Spend time with your kids and work on you knowing that if he is on the new track, he won't be that far behind.
Good Luck!
Until that time, keep doing what you're doing. Spend time with your kids and work on you knowing that if he is on the new track, he won't be that far behind.
Good Luck!
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
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Don't assume he's at the bar. You'll just pi** yourself off thinking about it. I am proud of you that you spent the evening relaxing with your children.
No buts and no good reason to worry. You're just making yourself crazy trying to justify your thinking. It's as if you're hoping he will drink so you get the sense of satisfaction that you were right about getting hurt because you let your guard down. It doesn't matter if he went or not.
Are you going to meetings? And have you found meetings for your children? They'll help you an awful lot. You need to take note of your thinking and what you hope to achieve by it. As long as you lack faith and trust in him, you'll lack the same in yourself.
Focus on your evening with your kids and relaxing.
Blessings, Kathy
No buts and no good reason to worry. You're just making yourself crazy trying to justify your thinking. It's as if you're hoping he will drink so you get the sense of satisfaction that you were right about getting hurt because you let your guard down. It doesn't matter if he went or not.
Are you going to meetings? And have you found meetings for your children? They'll help you an awful lot. You need to take note of your thinking and what you hope to achieve by it. As long as you lack faith and trust in him, you'll lack the same in yourself.
Focus on your evening with your kids and relaxing.
Blessings, Kathy
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Originally Posted by gelfling
Are you going to meetings? And have you found meetings for your children? They'll help you an awful lot. You need to take note of your thinking and what you hope to achieve by it. As long as you lack faith and trust in him, you'll lack the same in yourself.
Do they have meetings for kids who are 9 and 3?
As far as my trust and faith in him - I've given him all of that and he stomped on it. He took advantage of the trust I had for him. It's going to take me a long time to trust him to be truthful again. I don't know that I have faith in him. I mean, that's the reason I took care of all the important things because if it was up to him, the bills wouldn't get paid, we wouldn't have our house, on and on and on..... Is that the kind of faith your talking about?
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Jessica, I feel for you. I've ridden that merry-go-round too many times to count. I also know that gut feeling you are talking about. There were times that my friends said, "Oh, it's just you being paranoid" but most of the time, I was right and the same old crap started up again. So I know how you feel. And it's very normal to not trust him after he's broken your heart so badly.
I'm proud of you for not giving in and calling your AH. It shows that you've made progress!!!!! (clapping my hands for you)
There are those that can and do stop drinking without any outside help. And while it's my own theory and I haven't any concrete proof to give you - I think that a person drinks for a reason. Until they come to realize what that reason is and so forth, I believe they will still fall on occassion. Perhaps I"m wrong, but my brother and my AH both have told me thier reasons and it makes sense to me in the idea.
Regardless, I hope that you will find a way to make peace with the chaos you feel inside. I hope that you will continue to grow as your own person. And I hope that you will find happiness.
I'm proud of you for not giving in and calling your AH. It shows that you've made progress!!!!! (clapping my hands for you)
There are those that can and do stop drinking without any outside help. And while it's my own theory and I haven't any concrete proof to give you - I think that a person drinks for a reason. Until they come to realize what that reason is and so forth, I believe they will still fall on occassion. Perhaps I"m wrong, but my brother and my AH both have told me thier reasons and it makes sense to me in the idea.
Regardless, I hope that you will find a way to make peace with the chaos you feel inside. I hope that you will continue to grow as your own person. And I hope that you will find happiness.
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Originally Posted by hope2bhappy
You said, "In the long run, I guess it doesn't really matter what he was doing. I had a good night and that's what counts."
That's exactly right.
That's exactly right.
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Originally Posted by StandingStrong
Regardless, I hope that you will find a way to make peace with the chaos you feel inside. I hope that you will continue to grow as your own person. And I hope that you will find happiness.
One day at a time....
Searching and tripping
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Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ
Thank you Kathy - No, I'm not going to meetings. I have to see if I can find one on weekend. The one I was going to was at 8:00 - that was too late. I try to get my kids in bed around then.
Do they have meetings for kids who are 9 and 3?
As far as my trust and faith in him - I've given him all of that and he stomped on it. He took advantage of the trust I had for him. It's going to take me a long time to trust him to be truthful again. I don't know that I have faith in him. I mean, that's the reason I took care of all the important things because if it was up to him, the bills wouldn't get paid, we wouldn't have our house, on and on and on..... Is that the kind of faith your talking about?
Do they have meetings for kids who are 9 and 3?
As far as my trust and faith in him - I've given him all of that and he stomped on it. He took advantage of the trust I had for him. It's going to take me a long time to trust him to be truthful again. I don't know that I have faith in him. I mean, that's the reason I took care of all the important things because if it was up to him, the bills wouldn't get paid, we wouldn't have our house, on and on and on..... Is that the kind of faith your talking about?
Maybe I should have worded it differently. Let's try this. If you, in your heart and verbally show that you have no trust in him, he will fulfill your desires. He will trip up and drink. If you can talk with him showing him you want to be there for him and support his efforts to quit drinking, that will also click. But in a positive manner. Showing your trust and faith in his ability to quit drinking.
However, I can also understand your distrust. You can only get kicked to the curb so many times before you become totally numb and don't really care anymore. Then, you need to focus on yourself and your children. Learn how to cope with and detach from the AH. It's not the easiest thing to do. I'm still learning, but it works. You can center your life and focus around your needs and your childrens.
I attended a meeting today and heard from a woman who is in exactly your situation. Her AH is also out of the house. She has come to terms that they may never get back together again. She's let him come back 2 times and each time he did the same stuff that caused him to be kicked out. She said that each time she kicks him out, she feels really good and has no guilt and only lets him back because he comes begging and promising. The woman realizes that when he's not there, she's happy as a clam. There are 4 kids in the family and she's a nurse and has made the decision that she will take over and no longer invite him back to the house and is filing for a divorce. And she's at peace with it and knows she's got to do what makes her happy. And her decisions have made her happy. Attending alanon meetings have given her the courage to make up her mind and focus on which direction she needs to go for her and her kids.
That's why I harp on alanon meetings. I've seen so many people changed in a way that seems miraculous. And they too can't believe that it happened.
Hugs and Blessings, Kathy
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