Berrybean

You know, if he told YOU he had quit drinking, he'll tell ithers the same, including the courts. So keep notes (dates, times, amounts and places) and evidence of this when you come across it. If he's an active alcoholic, he will lie to save his sorry arse. Be prepared for that. People talk about alcohol being a truth serum, but that's not been my experience. Not of myself or of other people. It's only once I got sober and had a good six months of recovery behind me that I even got a notion of what honesty actually meant, and listening to shares on AA for the last 4 years has made me realise that I wasn't alone in this. I really wouldn't have know truth if it'd come over and introduced itself to me.

Have you chosen some legal representation yet?

BB

Bernadette

One of those days where I’m feeling like maybe all of this was my fault. Maybe I was too naggy or mean. Maybe he was so unhappy with me that I drove him to lie and drink

Just like an alcoholic trying to quit booze has to contend with the Alcoholic Voice luring them back to the bottle, we have to deal with the [insert your own phrase here] -voice (I'll call it Codie Voice just to be expedient) Codie Voice lulling us back to a state of familiarity with the dysfunction. Keeping open to the questions that arise during this time will help guide you towards healing yourself, growing your self.

Dont be afraid to talk back to that voice with your strengthening [insert your own phrase here] voice (I'll call it Wonder Woman Voice for expediency!) WWV might say, "But I hold the truth: the reality of living with an unpredictable and selfish alcoholic is an unacceptable life for me and this precious baby! Stand down Codie Voice, stand down!!!"

Of course there will be sadness, and loss of what could have been, but there is still the reality, and your WWV can keep you grounded in reality. My divorce was very sad, and that first year was a challenge, but I am very happily divorced, and I shiver to think what my life, and my children's lives, would have been like if I stayed one more day in that miserable marriage.

Was I nagging my exH too much? Yes I was. And recognizing that The Nag was not who I wanted to be, forced me to confront the real question: well, B, what will you do if he doesn't change? What if this is as good as it gets?

Therapy post-divorce helped me recognize that my nagging was a symptom of my unwillingness to accept him just the way he was. And once I accepted that reality of course I couldn't stay with him. Once I truly accepted that I cannot change anyone but myself, it led to a feeling of freedom, and even releasing hateful feelings towards him, because he is who he is and that's his choice. And I was free to choose to not be with him! No blame, just responsibility.

Gentle ((((hugs))))) as you trudge this road. Keep your head up and heart open to all the difficult questions that will guide you towards self-awareness and limitless growth and forgiveness of yourself.
Peace,
B.