In Hopes of Clarity
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 6
In Hopes of Clarity
Hello, all! This is my first time posting and, needless to say, I am a bit nervous. This post will inherently be extremely long, so bare with me.
I met a man almost exactly a year ago who I thought was going to change my life in all the right ways. He was tall, dark, and handsome, full of energy, the funniest person I had ever met, and he stole my heart. I fell absolutely head over heels for him! As many relationships start off, we drank quite a bit and were living the good life. We shared everything with eachother, well, I thought everything; emotions, past experiences, fears, love. Shortly after feelings began to become undeniable, he bailed on me. He up and left as quickly as he had come. I was left questioning everything. After a while he contacted me again and we picked up right where we left off.
He explained to me that he was getting over a past heartbreak and wasn't ready for the commitment at the time. Late one night, after a few cocktails of course, he confessed his love to me. He told me he saw a future with me. I believed every word. The following day I picked him up from work. He didn't have his license due to a past DUI which I seemed to look past. When we got to my house he told me he needed to tell me something. He slipped his heart out and told me he was an alcoholic. I cried and assured him that we could get through this together. He told me he had been even drinking at work and his co-worker had smelt it on him. He had been struggling for the past 2 years with this addiction and before moving back home had been drinking a bottle of vodka a day. I knew then that this was going to be a long road. I had to move to where I currently am to run from my own alcohol dependencies so I thought he could heal as I had.
I decided then that I would no longer keep vodka in my house in support of him. I would begin limiting my own consumption to a drink or two to help influence him. I syaryed to notice that he was drinking less, at least in front of me. But, everything was still focused on "having A drink". Over time, he shared stories with me that were heartbreaking. His father's addiction, his rough upbringing, his losses. I naturally wanted to help him and spoil him with all of the love in the universe.
I bought tickets for us to go out of town for his birthday and see his favorite team play a game. He told me that before going he needed to get his drinking under control so that he wouldn't have such a hard time when we were out of town. I gave him his space and, from what I thought, he had cleaned up his act. We had a great time away that weekend!
But, following that trip, he began to withdraw from me. He would get upset if I wanted to make plans, saying I was "overwhelming him". Plans that were made he would flake on. He would make me feel bad for being upset with his negligence. He would ignore phone calls and text messages. Would tell me I was making a big deal of nothing and to chill out. By this point, I had met his family who he lived with and I loved them! I found it weird that he kept me from spending too much time at his house and I have only been in his room and spent the night at his house ONCE in a year. Weird. After some time, he ended up leaving me saying that this relationship was causing him stress.
We got back together again a few months ago after receiving a text message from him latw one night apologizing and speculating that I was dating someone new. I assured him I was not and I had missed him. I told him we could not go back to miscommunicating. We had to work together. He agreed. Over the past few months, he has begun treating me as he had before; ignoring me, cancelling plans last minute, making me feel worthless. When we do spend time together he always has to have a drink with him. ALWAYS. I have found empty cans and bottles after he leaves in the morning for work. Our sexual life has diminished due to problems with "it working". We are only physically intimate in the mornings which I equate to him being only able to "function" then. I have expressed my issues without bringingup the drinking, but he calls me "emotional" or "overwhelming" again. I have started drinking more in hopes of connecring with him, without success. The man who used to be so warm and open is now cold. I knew the problem was real when his mom pulled me aside after nusing him back to health from a sickness and thanked me for helping him, but said "now we need to get his drinking under control." Wow. I watched as day by day he would come home with his typical drinks in hand. He convinced me that he had it under control because he wasn't drinking hard alcohol.
Last week, I picked him up from the airport. His phone was not working because he dropped it in a pool. I knew when his flight landed and, as we had discussed, I went to pick him up at baggage claim. He was nowhere to be found. I finally found him in the liquor store next to baggage claim buying vodka shots. My heart broke. I told him I was concerned because of the issues we had talked about previously. He said he was fine, he wasn't drinking hard alcohol all weekend, and it wasn't a big deal, much like he has told all of his friends and family countless times.
We got to my house after him asking me to stop at the corner store to pick up drinks as usual. When we got there he expressed he wanted to go home and sleep in his own bed. I was so sad. I drove him home reluctantly and he swore we would hang out the next day. As he had promised, we did get together and hung out and, as usual, I had to stop at the corner store on the way to my house. The next morning, Wednesday, we were intimate. I had a great idea that him and I should go out for drinks and watch the game since I had Thursday off. My attempt to connect. He gave me a vague "yeah, okay. We will talk about it." And left for work. I didn't hear much from him during the day, so i figured our plans were still on.
Come gametime my phone calls and text messages went unanswered. He finally called and he was at his friend's house drinking beer and eating pizza. I was pissed. He told me I was always bitching at him. Unfortunately, i drowned my sorrows with tons of liquor at the bar. Something I had not done in AGES. That night I blacked out and said some hurtful things. Now, I recognize that was out of complete resentment. He had to tell me about my episode which I was mortified about! I saw a part of me that I had grown out of. I resembled something I never wanted to be and I realized his addiction has begun influencing my actions. He went for days without talking to me as punishment. By Sunday, I had not heard from him and I had a moment of clarity. I was done not being a priority to him. I was tired of being flaked on. But, most of all, I was sick of drinking in excess in hopes of him wanting to hang out with me.
I wrote him a lengthy email that was constructive, yet assertive. Stating my concerns with his drinking, his ability to effortlessly ignore me, how I was hurting, and how we had a chance to fix our problems. After hours had passed, I called him. It went unanswered as usual. He immediately texted "What do you want?" I asked him to talk and he told me I had attacked him in the email and brought up "his addiction" and that it was over.
I haven't heard from him since and I am so confused. I want to conquer this with him, like i mentioned in the email, and he left me. Someone please help me find some clarity. I am so lost...
I met a man almost exactly a year ago who I thought was going to change my life in all the right ways. He was tall, dark, and handsome, full of energy, the funniest person I had ever met, and he stole my heart. I fell absolutely head over heels for him! As many relationships start off, we drank quite a bit and were living the good life. We shared everything with eachother, well, I thought everything; emotions, past experiences, fears, love. Shortly after feelings began to become undeniable, he bailed on me. He up and left as quickly as he had come. I was left questioning everything. After a while he contacted me again and we picked up right where we left off.
He explained to me that he was getting over a past heartbreak and wasn't ready for the commitment at the time. Late one night, after a few cocktails of course, he confessed his love to me. He told me he saw a future with me. I believed every word. The following day I picked him up from work. He didn't have his license due to a past DUI which I seemed to look past. When we got to my house he told me he needed to tell me something. He slipped his heart out and told me he was an alcoholic. I cried and assured him that we could get through this together. He told me he had been even drinking at work and his co-worker had smelt it on him. He had been struggling for the past 2 years with this addiction and before moving back home had been drinking a bottle of vodka a day. I knew then that this was going to be a long road. I had to move to where I currently am to run from my own alcohol dependencies so I thought he could heal as I had.
I decided then that I would no longer keep vodka in my house in support of him. I would begin limiting my own consumption to a drink or two to help influence him. I syaryed to notice that he was drinking less, at least in front of me. But, everything was still focused on "having A drink". Over time, he shared stories with me that were heartbreaking. His father's addiction, his rough upbringing, his losses. I naturally wanted to help him and spoil him with all of the love in the universe.
I bought tickets for us to go out of town for his birthday and see his favorite team play a game. He told me that before going he needed to get his drinking under control so that he wouldn't have such a hard time when we were out of town. I gave him his space and, from what I thought, he had cleaned up his act. We had a great time away that weekend!
But, following that trip, he began to withdraw from me. He would get upset if I wanted to make plans, saying I was "overwhelming him". Plans that were made he would flake on. He would make me feel bad for being upset with his negligence. He would ignore phone calls and text messages. Would tell me I was making a big deal of nothing and to chill out. By this point, I had met his family who he lived with and I loved them! I found it weird that he kept me from spending too much time at his house and I have only been in his room and spent the night at his house ONCE in a year. Weird. After some time, he ended up leaving me saying that this relationship was causing him stress.
We got back together again a few months ago after receiving a text message from him latw one night apologizing and speculating that I was dating someone new. I assured him I was not and I had missed him. I told him we could not go back to miscommunicating. We had to work together. He agreed. Over the past few months, he has begun treating me as he had before; ignoring me, cancelling plans last minute, making me feel worthless. When we do spend time together he always has to have a drink with him. ALWAYS. I have found empty cans and bottles after he leaves in the morning for work. Our sexual life has diminished due to problems with "it working". We are only physically intimate in the mornings which I equate to him being only able to "function" then. I have expressed my issues without bringingup the drinking, but he calls me "emotional" or "overwhelming" again. I have started drinking more in hopes of connecring with him, without success. The man who used to be so warm and open is now cold. I knew the problem was real when his mom pulled me aside after nusing him back to health from a sickness and thanked me for helping him, but said "now we need to get his drinking under control." Wow. I watched as day by day he would come home with his typical drinks in hand. He convinced me that he had it under control because he wasn't drinking hard alcohol.
Last week, I picked him up from the airport. His phone was not working because he dropped it in a pool. I knew when his flight landed and, as we had discussed, I went to pick him up at baggage claim. He was nowhere to be found. I finally found him in the liquor store next to baggage claim buying vodka shots. My heart broke. I told him I was concerned because of the issues we had talked about previously. He said he was fine, he wasn't drinking hard alcohol all weekend, and it wasn't a big deal, much like he has told all of his friends and family countless times.
We got to my house after him asking me to stop at the corner store to pick up drinks as usual. When we got there he expressed he wanted to go home and sleep in his own bed. I was so sad. I drove him home reluctantly and he swore we would hang out the next day. As he had promised, we did get together and hung out and, as usual, I had to stop at the corner store on the way to my house. The next morning, Wednesday, we were intimate. I had a great idea that him and I should go out for drinks and watch the game since I had Thursday off. My attempt to connect. He gave me a vague "yeah, okay. We will talk about it." And left for work. I didn't hear much from him during the day, so i figured our plans were still on.
Come gametime my phone calls and text messages went unanswered. He finally called and he was at his friend's house drinking beer and eating pizza. I was pissed. He told me I was always bitching at him. Unfortunately, i drowned my sorrows with tons of liquor at the bar. Something I had not done in AGES. That night I blacked out and said some hurtful things. Now, I recognize that was out of complete resentment. He had to tell me about my episode which I was mortified about! I saw a part of me that I had grown out of. I resembled something I never wanted to be and I realized his addiction has begun influencing my actions. He went for days without talking to me as punishment. By Sunday, I had not heard from him and I had a moment of clarity. I was done not being a priority to him. I was tired of being flaked on. But, most of all, I was sick of drinking in excess in hopes of him wanting to hang out with me.
I wrote him a lengthy email that was constructive, yet assertive. Stating my concerns with his drinking, his ability to effortlessly ignore me, how I was hurting, and how we had a chance to fix our problems. After hours had passed, I called him. It went unanswered as usual. He immediately texted "What do you want?" I asked him to talk and he told me I had attacked him in the email and brought up "his addiction" and that it was over.
I haven't heard from him since and I am so confused. I want to conquer this with him, like i mentioned in the email, and he left me. Someone please help me find some clarity. I am so lost...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Curiousity 
Hello, all! This is my first time posting and, needless to say, I am a bit nervous. This post will inherently be extremely long, so bare with me.
I have read your post and wanted to give you this link to some other threads you might find helpful. Understanding alcoholism is important for you to get some clarity (I think), not to help him but to help you.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
As for him, it just sounds like you are getting in the way of his drinking and he doesn't want anything to get in the way of it. I'm sure this is very hurtful for you but please try not to take it so personally (easier said than done).
I want to conquer this with him
You didn't cause his addiction, can't cure it and can't control it.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 77
Oh boy. The details of our stories are different, and yet, I relate to a lot of what you have written. I have also just ended a relationship with an alcoholic. Mine was "high functioning" and did not have any legal troubles (yet) and he had a very lucrative career (for now), but like yours, mine was singularly focused on acquiring alcohol and having "A drink." If he wasn't working (he was also a workaholic), he was drinking - at home, at the bar, at the pool, at lunches, at dinners, at client meetings, at friends' houses, at his family's. Every.Single.Day.
The only leisure activities we ever shared together, outside of going to the gym, involved alcohol. I can so relate to what you said about upping your own intake in order to connect with him - I often found myself almost bribing him to go do things with me/my friends & family, letting him know "there'll be [beer/wine/cocktails] there!"
I have also been accused of being "emotional" and "too sensitive" whenever I felt hurt or confused by his poor treatment (not answering text messages, breaking promises, making condescending remarks, commenting on other women's bodies, to name a few). If there was an issue between us - big or small - that I wished to communicate about, I was always met with "Sorry, I just don't do this" ("This" meaning talk about feelings/resolve problems).
It's good that his family is aware of the problem. Hopefully they will be of help and not act as enablers. My XABF comes from a family of heavy drinkers, so I'm not even sure they were aware of the problem. Or, if they were, nobody ever talked about it.
Sorry you're going through this, I know how much it hurts to put your all into a person/relationship in the hopes of making them want to "do better" and "be better." Keep reading around these boards, you'll quickly realize how many people have gone through similar experiences, and that it really ISN'T YOUR FAULT. You didn't make him this way and you can't fix him. He is the only one who can fix himself.
The only leisure activities we ever shared together, outside of going to the gym, involved alcohol. I can so relate to what you said about upping your own intake in order to connect with him - I often found myself almost bribing him to go do things with me/my friends & family, letting him know "there'll be [beer/wine/cocktails] there!"
I have also been accused of being "emotional" and "too sensitive" whenever I felt hurt or confused by his poor treatment (not answering text messages, breaking promises, making condescending remarks, commenting on other women's bodies, to name a few). If there was an issue between us - big or small - that I wished to communicate about, I was always met with "Sorry, I just don't do this" ("This" meaning talk about feelings/resolve problems).
It's good that his family is aware of the problem. Hopefully they will be of help and not act as enablers. My XABF comes from a family of heavy drinkers, so I'm not even sure they were aware of the problem. Or, if they were, nobody ever talked about it.
Sorry you're going through this, I know how much it hurts to put your all into a person/relationship in the hopes of making them want to "do better" and "be better." Keep reading around these boards, you'll quickly realize how many people have gone through similar experiences, and that it really ISN'T YOUR FAULT. You didn't make him this way and you can't fix him. He is the only one who can fix himself.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
I'm getting good at letting emotions flow! 
I was accused of the same things. Looking back, the emotions the alcoholic complained about were simply a tiny over-flow of a volcano full of emotions I'd been holding back. They eventually needed to be felt, expressed and released in safe ways.
Al-anon, therapy, reiki and domestic abuse help centers were pivotal in providing me skills and safe places.
https://www.al-anon.org/
No one path. No one way. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. (((hugs)))
I'm glad you're here. Reaching out is a very very good thing.
I was accused of the same things. Looking back, the emotions the alcoholic complained about were simply a tiny over-flow of a volcano full of emotions I'd been holding back. They eventually needed to be felt, expressed and released in safe ways.
Al-anon, therapy, reiki and domestic abuse help centers were pivotal in providing me skills and safe places.
https://www.al-anon.org/
No one path. No one way. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. (((hugs)))
I'm glad you're here. Reaching out is a very very good thing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Welcome Curiousity,
Nothing to be nervous about here, we don’t bit, our truths might sting and hurt a bit and probably not the things you want to hear right now.
I think it’s great that you were able to get your own drinking under control but maybe you are not an alcoholic like he is and it’s not as easy for him. It’s a whole different kind of journey.
You kept referring to his recovery as a “we” thing when it’s really only a him thing. And he just doesn’t sound like he wants sobriety like you want him to want sobriety.
He has a history of drinking behind him and you came into that history and want to change everything he’s known to what you think is something better for him and he’s not interested in that.
Ending are hard and hurtful and I am sorry you put your heart out there and got hurt.
Nothing to be nervous about here, we don’t bit, our truths might sting and hurt a bit and probably not the things you want to hear right now.
I think it’s great that you were able to get your own drinking under control but maybe you are not an alcoholic like he is and it’s not as easy for him. It’s a whole different kind of journey.
You kept referring to his recovery as a “we” thing when it’s really only a him thing. And he just doesn’t sound like he wants sobriety like you want him to want sobriety.
He has a history of drinking behind him and you came into that history and want to change everything he’s known to what you think is something better for him and he’s not interested in that.
Ending are hard and hurtful and I am sorry you put your heart out there and got hurt.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 6
Thank you all for responding so far. I am so grateful to have you all here for support. I forgot to mention in the original post that he is high functioning. No physical altercations, holds down a good job, social, no slurring or out of control. So, I am having some difficulty believing his addiction is THAT bad. I have to keep reminding myself that he truly is dependent on alcohol as much as I think he is. He is dealing with HIS addiction. Not ours. You guys are right. I cannot try to "fix" him. Maybe that is my co-dependency coming out. At the end of the day I just fear that I won't hear from him again. I am so worried I pushed him away by brining up the drinking since he did think it was an "attack."
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Curiosity, welcome to SR. I'd like to address the "functioning alcoholic" thing. First of all, "functioning alcoholic" is a stage of alcoholism, not a type of alcoholic. They are ALL "functioning"--until they AREN'T. And it's not like we get advance notice, not like an email arrives saying "in 3 weeks, your ABF or AH is going to lose his $hit, get completely wasted and get in a car accident where someone is killed, so make sure to not be financially or legally entangled w/him at that time or you will get taken down along with him."
Here is a post that I've saved and shared many times. It's from an SR member regarding “functioning alcoholics”:
I'm not going to be very eloquent here, but when people who aren't in it use the phrase "functioning alcoholic" or imply that the situation isn't that difficult because the alcoholic is able to maintain a job and doesn't beat anyone, or because they "obviously" care for their families, those people are dismissing the biggest parts of what makes humans who we are. The fact that a person can hold a job, can move about the world without stumbling and hurting themselves or others, that they can make a sandwich for their kids - those functions don't make a human a full and complete human. A robot can do all of those things. To truly function, a human has to be able to do more than that, and honestly a human doesn't need to be able to do the things above to be able to "function" as a human being. The other things - like connecting to others with truth - are so much more important. I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There may be physically capable alcoholics, but that's as far as I can go.
Does any of that strike a chord w/you?
Hope you keep reading and posting, and especially make sure to read the "stickies" at the top of the page. Educating yourself about alcoholism will go a long way towards helping you sort out what your path will be, going forward.
Here is a post that I've saved and shared many times. It's from an SR member regarding “functioning alcoholics”:
I'm not going to be very eloquent here, but when people who aren't in it use the phrase "functioning alcoholic" or imply that the situation isn't that difficult because the alcoholic is able to maintain a job and doesn't beat anyone, or because they "obviously" care for their families, those people are dismissing the biggest parts of what makes humans who we are. The fact that a person can hold a job, can move about the world without stumbling and hurting themselves or others, that they can make a sandwich for their kids - those functions don't make a human a full and complete human. A robot can do all of those things. To truly function, a human has to be able to do more than that, and honestly a human doesn't need to be able to do the things above to be able to "function" as a human being. The other things - like connecting to others with truth - are so much more important. I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There may be physically capable alcoholics, but that's as far as I can go.
Does any of that strike a chord w/you?
Hope you keep reading and posting, and especially make sure to read the "stickies" at the top of the page. Educating yourself about alcoholism will go a long way towards helping you sort out what your path will be, going forward.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by honeypig
Curiosity, welcome to SR. I'd like to address the "functioning alcoholic" thing. First of all, "functioning alcoholic" is a stage of alcoholism, not a type of alcoholic. They are ALL "functioning"--until they AREN'T. And it's not like we get advance notice, not like an email arrives saying "in 3 weeks, your ABF or AH is going to lose his $hit, get completely wasted and get in a car accident where someone is killed, so make sure to not be financially or legally entangled w/him at that time or you will get taken down along with him."
Here is a post that I've saved and shared many times. It's from an SR member regarding “functioning alcoholics”:
I'm not going to be very eloquent here, but when people who aren't in it use the phrase "functioning alcoholic" or imply that the situation isn't that difficult because the alcoholic is able to maintain a job and doesn't beat anyone, or because they "obviously" care for their families, those people are dismissing the biggest parts of what makes humans who we are. The fact that a person can hold a job, can move about the world without stumbling and hurting themselves or others, that they can make a sandwich for their kids - those functions don't make a human a full and complete human. A robot can do all of those things. To truly function, a human has to be able to do more than that, and honestly a human doesn't need to be able to do the things above to be able to "function" as a human being. The other things - like connecting to others with truth - are so much more important. I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There may be physically capable alcoholics, but that's as far as I can go.
Does any of that strike a chord w/you?
Hope you keep reading and posting, and especially make sure to read the "stickies" at the top of the page. Educating yourself about alcoholism will go a long way towards helping you sort out what your path will be, going forward.
Here is a post that I've saved and shared many times. It's from an SR member regarding “functioning alcoholics”:
I'm not going to be very eloquent here, but when people who aren't in it use the phrase "functioning alcoholic" or imply that the situation isn't that difficult because the alcoholic is able to maintain a job and doesn't beat anyone, or because they "obviously" care for their families, those people are dismissing the biggest parts of what makes humans who we are. The fact that a person can hold a job, can move about the world without stumbling and hurting themselves or others, that they can make a sandwich for their kids - those functions don't make a human a full and complete human. A robot can do all of those things. To truly function, a human has to be able to do more than that, and honestly a human doesn't need to be able to do the things above to be able to "function" as a human being. The other things - like connecting to others with truth - are so much more important. I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There may be physically capable alcoholics, but that's as far as I can go.
Does any of that strike a chord w/you?
Hope you keep reading and posting, and especially make sure to read the "stickies" at the top of the page. Educating yourself about alcoholism will go a long way towards helping you sort out what your path will be, going forward.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Sounds like the codependent part of you thinks your love and strength of character will make this relationship work. I've been guilty of trying to "fix" someone by pointing out the truth, going at things from different angles and argument, trying to "break through to them" ... all the while the addict in my life continues to go down the dysfunctional path. Reality check: I was too. Give yourself a break and quit chasing this man, he is obviously more than fine living the way he wants without you in his life. Sorry to be so blunt. Love isn't enough. Take the rear view mirror off your car and keep driving forward. Grab life and live fully. Enjoy every day being a healthy vibrant woman.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by Curiousity
. So, I am having some difficulty believing his addiction is THAT bad. I have to keep reminding myself that he truly is dependent on alcohol as much as I think he is. He is dealing with HIS addiction. Not ours. You guys are right. I cannot try to "fix" him. Maybe that is my co-dependency coming out. At the end of the day I just fear that I won't hear from him again. I am so worried I pushed him away by brining up the drinking since he did think it was an "attack."
I'm really sorry you're going through this right now. I know how much it sucks. Like a lot of people are warning about the progressivism of alcoholism.. my ExABF also kept it together for a long time and then he lost his job, got a DUI, and was left with about $100 in his bank account within a span of 2 months. The dip into non functioning can happen really fast..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by EllieJ
I'm really sorry you're going through this right now. I know how much it sucks. Like a lot of people are warning about the progressivism of alcoholism.. my ExABF also kept it together for a long time and then he lost his job, got a DUI, and was left with about $100 in his bank account within a span of 2 months. The dip into non functioning can happen really fast..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Functioning Alcoholics
I haven't shared this yet on the forum but my brother prided himself on being "high functioning" because all appeared well in his business and his life but behind the curtain he was drinking like a fish and had a taste for cocaine too.
The illusion was shattered on the day he left a bar and got into a motorcycle accident and ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks at first fighting for his life and then suffering 3 surgeries and intense pain.
The auto driver was charged and it was miracle he survived but eventually he got sent home with bottles of pain pills, therapy regimens and a year of more surgeries. He and I talked about his addiction and opioids and he lied to me that he was tapering off. The Dr. was tapering him off but he was buying street drugs when he ran out and the day came someone gave him fentanyl and my 92 year old mother watched him die on the floor of his bedroom at 51.
7 months later my once healthy 92 year old mom grieved herself to death over her beloved son overdosing on alcohol and fentanyl.
Life is uncertain and with the addictive loved one disaster, chaos, pain and even death is always lurkiing around the corner. I had feared that phone call or knock for decades but when it came it toppled me just the same .... 8 years in Alanon and years on this site and actively working in the recovery and criminal justice system cannot prepare you for the heartbreak of burying your family.
You can't pick your family... alcoholic dad, severely codependant mom and high functioning sibling. They are all dead now... those years of drama and pain are only memories and I can only share my experience, strength and hope.
And that hope is not placing yourself in a relationship with an active addict without spending a lot of time learning the wiles and cunning of the enemy that is addiction. The odds are almost microscopic of finding a happy ending but the ONLY way to realistically expect one are with a lot of education on addiction and being in recovery yourself. Learning boundaries and how to protect yourself from the devastation of loving an addict who is not in authentic recovery is in my opinion the only way to help yourself and help your loved one find their way out of addiction.
My brother died in January of 2017 and this is the first time I felt I could even speak of it without melting into a heap of tears.... I am healing and moving on with my life. May his story help you on your own journey.
The illusion was shattered on the day he left a bar and got into a motorcycle accident and ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks at first fighting for his life and then suffering 3 surgeries and intense pain.
The auto driver was charged and it was miracle he survived but eventually he got sent home with bottles of pain pills, therapy regimens and a year of more surgeries. He and I talked about his addiction and opioids and he lied to me that he was tapering off. The Dr. was tapering him off but he was buying street drugs when he ran out and the day came someone gave him fentanyl and my 92 year old mother watched him die on the floor of his bedroom at 51.
7 months later my once healthy 92 year old mom grieved herself to death over her beloved son overdosing on alcohol and fentanyl.
Life is uncertain and with the addictive loved one disaster, chaos, pain and even death is always lurkiing around the corner. I had feared that phone call or knock for decades but when it came it toppled me just the same .... 8 years in Alanon and years on this site and actively working in the recovery and criminal justice system cannot prepare you for the heartbreak of burying your family.
You can't pick your family... alcoholic dad, severely codependant mom and high functioning sibling. They are all dead now... those years of drama and pain are only memories and I can only share my experience, strength and hope.
And that hope is not placing yourself in a relationship with an active addict without spending a lot of time learning the wiles and cunning of the enemy that is addiction. The odds are almost microscopic of finding a happy ending but the ONLY way to realistically expect one are with a lot of education on addiction and being in recovery yourself. Learning boundaries and how to protect yourself from the devastation of loving an addict who is not in authentic recovery is in my opinion the only way to help yourself and help your loved one find their way out of addiction.
My brother died in January of 2017 and this is the first time I felt I could even speak of it without melting into a heap of tears.... I am healing and moving on with my life. May his story help you on your own journey.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Hopeworks
I haven't shared this yet on the forum but my brother prided himself on being "high functioning" because all appeared well in his business and his life but behind the curtain he was drinking like a fish and had a taste for cocaine too.
The illusion was shattered on the day he left a bar and got into a motorcycle accident and ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks at first fighting for his life and then suffering 3 surgeries and intense pain.
The auto driver was charged and it was miracle he survived but eventually he got sent home with bottles of pain pills, therapy regimens and a year of more surgeries. He and I talked about his addiction and opioids and he lied to me that he was tapering off. The Dr. was tapering him off but he was buying street drugs when he ran out and the day came someone gave him fentanyl and my 92 year old mother watched him die on the floor of his bedroom at 51.
7 months later my once healthy 92 year old mom grieved herself to death over her beloved son overdosing on alcohol and fentanyl.
Life is uncertain and with the addictive loved one disaster, chaos, pain and even death is always lurkiing around the corner. I had feared that phone call or knock for decades but when it came it toppled me just the same .... 8 years in Alanon and years on this site and actively working in the recovery and criminal justice system cannot prepare you for the heartbreak of burying your family.
You can't pick your family... alcoholic dad, severely codependant mom and high functioning sibling. They are all dead now... those years of drama and pain are only memories and I can only share my experience, strength and hope.
And that hope is not placing yourself in a relationship with an active addict without spending a lot of time learning the wiles and cunning of the enemy that is addiction. The odds are almost microscopic of finding a happy ending but the ONLY way to realistically expect one are with a lot of education on addiction and being in recovery yourself. Learning boundaries and how to protect yourself from the devastation of loving an addict who is not in authentic recovery is in my opinion the only way to help yourself and help your loved one find their way out of addiction.
My brother died in January of 2017 and this is the first time I felt I could even speak of it without melting into a heap of tears.... I am healing and moving on with my life. May his story help you on your own journey.
The illusion was shattered on the day he left a bar and got into a motorcycle accident and ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks at first fighting for his life and then suffering 3 surgeries and intense pain.
The auto driver was charged and it was miracle he survived but eventually he got sent home with bottles of pain pills, therapy regimens and a year of more surgeries. He and I talked about his addiction and opioids and he lied to me that he was tapering off. The Dr. was tapering him off but he was buying street drugs when he ran out and the day came someone gave him fentanyl and my 92 year old mother watched him die on the floor of his bedroom at 51.
7 months later my once healthy 92 year old mom grieved herself to death over her beloved son overdosing on alcohol and fentanyl.
Life is uncertain and with the addictive loved one disaster, chaos, pain and even death is always lurkiing around the corner. I had feared that phone call or knock for decades but when it came it toppled me just the same .... 8 years in Alanon and years on this site and actively working in the recovery and criminal justice system cannot prepare you for the heartbreak of burying your family.
You can't pick your family... alcoholic dad, severely codependant mom and high functioning sibling. They are all dead now... those years of drama and pain are only memories and I can only share my experience, strength and hope.
And that hope is not placing yourself in a relationship with an active addict without spending a lot of time learning the wiles and cunning of the enemy that is addiction. The odds are almost microscopic of finding a happy ending but the ONLY way to realistically expect one are with a lot of education on addiction and being in recovery yourself. Learning boundaries and how to protect yourself from the devastation of loving an addict who is not in authentic recovery is in my opinion the only way to help yourself and help your loved one find their way out of addiction.
My brother died in January of 2017 and this is the first time I felt I could even speak of it without melting into a heap of tears.... I am healing and moving on with my life. May his story help you on your own journey.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I forgot to mention in the original post that he is high functioning. No physical altercations, holds down a good job, social, no slurring or out of control. So, I am having some difficulty believing his addiction is THAT bad.
It’s also a way we “bargain” with denial by telling ourselves it’s not really all that bad. Yet it was bad enough to us that we found an online support group.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
The first time I ever heard the term, "high functioning alcoholic" it was spoken by an active alcoholic who I think was attempting to justify the amount of alcohol she consumed on a pretty much daily basis. I don't know if she was trying to convince me or herself more that there could be such a thing as a high functioning alcoholic. It was perhaps one of the many ways she lived with her own alcoholism....rationalize, justify, barter..lather, rinse, repeat.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Having said the above....he's jerking you around and I'm sorry for your hurt....It's a dance of come here, do what I want when I want and then go away for whatever reason or when you don't enable....run home to mom's ...it sounds like his mom was trying to fix him long before he met you and when you came on board she had high hopes you could "fix" him.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I think from reading here I’ve decided that high functioning really means that they for the most part function for the outside world, like holding down a job, being kind and social with others. Looking back that was my now RAH. Problem was that emotionally he was not really functioning at all, not when it came to our relationship and even the relationship with the kids. So yes he could hold down a good job and pay bills etc, but our relationship sort of died a slow death, at least for me and I didn’t even realize it really until I statrted looking at myself and quit putting up the happy couple facade pretending that everything was ok. Because he wasn’t physically or verbally abusive and overall we have a very comfortable life. So why would I make a fuss about that? There are people that are a lot worse off than I am and it was hard to look at myself and be ok with not being happy despite having all those things. I suck at feelings and so I’ve had to really work at that over the last 1.5 years and work on myself. Needing to quit worrying about everyone else’s feelings all the time ans start worrying about myself. I still have hard time with that because i don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings but i have done a stellar job of neglecting myself for many years.
Alcoholism is progressive, it will get worse. That may happen soon or not for several years but at some point he will cross the line. Just know that even if he is “high functioning” he really isn’t, at least not in the emotional department. Alcohol is his first love, and he would like to find someone that is willing to play second fiddle to that and put up with it. I know my RAH loves me and loved me in his own dysfunctional way while he was an active alcoholic because I put up with everything for many years (we were the perfect codependent dysfunctional match). Until I started detaching (not even really knowingly) and then it was all downhill from there. After 1.5 years of sobriety and lots of counseling and marriage counseling I still can’t get past it and we are getting divorced. And of course I feel super guilty because he is not a bad person at all. But the years of his emotional unavailability really affected me more than I realized and I for once have to be honest with my feelings and take care of me.
Someone on here said before, being with and active alcoholic is like this: there is a tornado raging and the addict is basically asleep during all of it (because they’re too busy drinking to notice anything that goes on). Then the tornado stops raging (when the addict gets sober) and the addict wonders where all the damage came from. That really hit home for me.
Anyway, I know it hurts that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. And it is very normal to feel like you want to be with him and help him conquer this because everyone feels like love can conquer all. But the truth is, you can’t help him do anything. He has to want to help himself and then do all the work himself. If only our love could help the addict get clean, none of us would be here. And recovery is no picnic either, because the substance is only a very small part of addiction, behaviors and coping skills (or lack there of ) play an bigger role in addiction than the actual substance. I’m sure there ar people that quit drinking on their own and are fine. But I think that’s the exception rather than the rule, even after multiple attempts at quitting (on his own) and then failing I still thought if he jut quit drinking everything would be just fine. I don’t know why because it never worked that way before. I’ve learned a lot since then and wish I would’ve educated myself a lot sooner on addiction and what it really entails. It may or may not have changed things much, but awareness on all of this may have kept me from getting to my rock bottom and detaching as severely as I did. If nothing else I would’ve at least had some support had I found this site much sooner because I couldn’t talk to anyone about it in real life.
Alcoholism is progressive, it will get worse. That may happen soon or not for several years but at some point he will cross the line. Just know that even if he is “high functioning” he really isn’t, at least not in the emotional department. Alcohol is his first love, and he would like to find someone that is willing to play second fiddle to that and put up with it. I know my RAH loves me and loved me in his own dysfunctional way while he was an active alcoholic because I put up with everything for many years (we were the perfect codependent dysfunctional match). Until I started detaching (not even really knowingly) and then it was all downhill from there. After 1.5 years of sobriety and lots of counseling and marriage counseling I still can’t get past it and we are getting divorced. And of course I feel super guilty because he is not a bad person at all. But the years of his emotional unavailability really affected me more than I realized and I for once have to be honest with my feelings and take care of me.
Someone on here said before, being with and active alcoholic is like this: there is a tornado raging and the addict is basically asleep during all of it (because they’re too busy drinking to notice anything that goes on). Then the tornado stops raging (when the addict gets sober) and the addict wonders where all the damage came from. That really hit home for me.
Anyway, I know it hurts that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. And it is very normal to feel like you want to be with him and help him conquer this because everyone feels like love can conquer all. But the truth is, you can’t help him do anything. He has to want to help himself and then do all the work himself. If only our love could help the addict get clean, none of us would be here. And recovery is no picnic either, because the substance is only a very small part of addiction, behaviors and coping skills (or lack there of ) play an bigger role in addiction than the actual substance. I’m sure there ar people that quit drinking on their own and are fine. But I think that’s the exception rather than the rule, even after multiple attempts at quitting (on his own) and then failing I still thought if he jut quit drinking everything would be just fine. I don’t know why because it never worked that way before. I’ve learned a lot since then and wish I would’ve educated myself a lot sooner on addiction and what it really entails. It may or may not have changed things much, but awareness on all of this may have kept me from getting to my rock bottom and detaching as severely as I did. If nothing else I would’ve at least had some support had I found this site much sooner because I couldn’t talk to anyone about it in real life.
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