Alcoholic Fiance Suddenly wasn't "Happy". Advice?
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Alcoholic Fiance Suddenly wasn't "Happy". Advice?
My "ex" fiance and I were together for 2 years and 7 months. He relapsed once during that time, in the first few months of the relationship due to a fight we had over fidelity. He didn't cheat but it was suspected. Now, two years later our lives became more serious in a professional sense, more hours and commitment to work. He began getting distant, constantly distracted, and easily angered. We began fighting when he was literally no longer providing me with any affection. The fight went back and forth for days over which one of us at which moment was unsure about the relationship. Finally he broke it off explosively and abruptly and made it seem very easy to do so. I was always supportive of his sobriety and encouraged him to join AA and or therapy but he never did. Now he says this is about him and he has to do this, not to wait for him but that I will always be the one for him. He wants to remain friends and to "possibly maybe idk could be might" end up together. It's so confusing and I'm deeply hurt. 2 years of engagement. Wedding planning. Preparing for children. Building a life and a home together, only for it dissolve over his sudden passion for emotional sobriety. He even says at this point that he never meant to hurt me, the break up was about his addiction, he doesn't want to move on from me, but can't be with me. I have no idea how to handle it.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi springs, I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation which is heart-breaking and life changing.
Have you considered the fact that your AF might be following the only possible course for him right now. It sounds like his battle with A is still very much alive and he doesn't have the resources to deal with anything else. There's also a possibility that he's already relapsed and is pre-empting a break when you find out.
It doesn't mean his feelings for you have disappeared, just that for whatever reason, he needs to concentrate on himself and can't give you what you need.
Please don't fall for the 'remaining friends' thing; that only works if both parties are certain its over. It will prolong your pain and stop you moving on.
If you've built a house together I assume your finances are entwined? If so can I suggest you get some legal advice so you know your rights and responsibilities.
Have you considered the fact that your AF might be following the only possible course for him right now. It sounds like his battle with A is still very much alive and he doesn't have the resources to deal with anything else. There's also a possibility that he's already relapsed and is pre-empting a break when you find out.
It doesn't mean his feelings for you have disappeared, just that for whatever reason, he needs to concentrate on himself and can't give you what you need.
Please don't fall for the 'remaining friends' thing; that only works if both parties are certain its over. It will prolong your pain and stop you moving on.
If you've built a house together I assume your finances are entwined? If so can I suggest you get some legal advice so you know your rights and responsibilities.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I am so sorry for your devastating situation.
I'm not sure anything I write will seem as compassionate as I feel, here online, but I definitely understand the "maybeidk etc" limbo. When I was the alcoholic, I didn't care about causing this kind of drama for the other person; I was selfish to the max. Looking back, I know that those who left me did the right thing, because they deserved better than I was then. I'd venture to say that that better is also true for you,
Acceptance is likely a long way off, I am sure, but I hope you will pick you over him and start the healing process.
I'm not sure anything I write will seem as compassionate as I feel, here online, but I definitely understand the "maybeidk etc" limbo. When I was the alcoholic, I didn't care about causing this kind of drama for the other person; I was selfish to the max. Looking back, I know that those who left me did the right thing, because they deserved better than I was then. I'd venture to say that that better is also true for you,
Acceptance is likely a long way off, I am sure, but I hope you will pick you over him and start the healing process.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Now he says this is about him and he has to do this, not to wait for him but that I will always be the one for him. He wants to remain friends and to "possibly maybe idk could be might" end up together. It's so confusing and I'm deeply hurt.
Ask yourself this question, do you want to be just a possible – maybe in his life?
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Relationships ending are difficult--even when there is not alcohol involved. When alcohol plays a part then it's confusing and often hurtful on top of everything else.
It's easy for me to say "you're better off" without him in the picture--and I can speak from experience with that comment. Does it always feel like you're better off? Oh he!!, no. It can be lonely and sad and I'll be the first to admit that. I'll also say that I notice how lovely the quiet (no screaming and drama) is; how nice it is to sleep through the night without being woken up.
Last night, at 2:00 am, I was googling how long it takes to grieve a relationship and when I read the data, I decided I wasn't willing to wait that long. Important realization and step toward the future. The nice guy isn't coming back and it's time to stop romanticizing the good days. He was always an A, lied about it, and his problem became progressive--just like everyone here has told me. Can I ever trust him in the future (not that I ever would)? No. He could be sober for 25 years and I would not trust him again.
I'm worth more and so are you. Big hugs.
It's easy for me to say "you're better off" without him in the picture--and I can speak from experience with that comment. Does it always feel like you're better off? Oh he!!, no. It can be lonely and sad and I'll be the first to admit that. I'll also say that I notice how lovely the quiet (no screaming and drama) is; how nice it is to sleep through the night without being woken up.
Last night, at 2:00 am, I was googling how long it takes to grieve a relationship and when I read the data, I decided I wasn't willing to wait that long. Important realization and step toward the future. The nice guy isn't coming back and it's time to stop romanticizing the good days. He was always an A, lied about it, and his problem became progressive--just like everyone here has told me. Can I ever trust him in the future (not that I ever would)? No. He could be sober for 25 years and I would not trust him again.
I'm worth more and so are you. Big hugs.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by thesprings1999 
only for it dissolve over his sudden passion for emotional sobriety. He even says at this point that he never meant to hurt me, the break up was about his addiction
Either way he doesn't feel he can do that with anyone else. If he is truly seeking recovery, being in a relationship may just be too much for him right now. Is that fair or right or good? For him I guess it is, which doesn't really help you at all.
Trust. After this would you want to be with him? How can you trust him now? What he did appears on the surface to be somewhat "easy" and on a whim but with the arguing etc that came before, probably not and yet he was unable to talk about it (nothing to do with you). Right there that is a problem. Do you want a Husband that can't express those feelings, whatever he is going through, to you? Is that a person you would want to have as the Father of your children?
Anyway, it's early days and I know you must be terribly hurt and all of this is overwhelming, but just some things to ponder as you move forward.
There is a lot of good information here at SR and below is a link to a sticky found at the top of this forum. It is sometimes helpful to try to understand alcoholism.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 23
I'm so sorry this is happening to you! I know how painful it is to have to say goodbye to someone you love because of alcoholism. It's possible he's taking a really mature step towards working on his recovery....if he was only not drinking and not doing the work that comes with recovery, then he probably couldn't be the best partner for you anyway. As you mentioned, you were noticing his distance and lack of affection. You can't predict the future...maybe take his advice and don't wait around for him. If it all works out for the two of you, then so be it, but in the meantime take care of yourself and try not to let yourself get stuck in the what ifs... Wishing you peace.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Hi springs, I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation which is heart-breaking and life changing.
Have you considered the fact that your AF might be following the only possible course for him right now. It sounds like his battle with A is still very much alive and he doesn't have the resources to deal with anything else. There's also a possibility that he's already relapsed and is pre-empting a break when you find out.
It doesn't mean his feelings for you have disappeared, just that for whatever reason, he needs to concentrate on himself and can't give you what you need.
Please don't fall for the 'remaining friends' thing; that only works if both parties are certain its over. It will prolong your pain and stop you moving on.
If you've built a house together I assume your finances are entwined? If so can I suggest you get some legal advice so you know your rights and responsibilities.
Have you considered the fact that your AF might be following the only possible course for him right now. It sounds like his battle with A is still very much alive and he doesn't have the resources to deal with anything else. There's also a possibility that he's already relapsed and is pre-empting a break when you find out.
It doesn't mean his feelings for you have disappeared, just that for whatever reason, he needs to concentrate on himself and can't give you what you need.
Please don't fall for the 'remaining friends' thing; that only works if both parties are certain its over. It will prolong your pain and stop you moving on.
If you've built a house together I assume your finances are entwined? If so can I suggest you get some legal advice so you know your rights and responsibilities.
Thank you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Leelee168
Relationships ending are difficult--even when there is not alcohol involved. When alcohol plays a part then it's confusing and often hurtful on top of everything else.
It's easy for me to say "you're better off" without him in the picture--and I can speak from experience with that comment. Does it always feel like you're better off? Oh he!!, no. It can be lonely and sad and I'll be the first to admit that. I'll also say that I notice how lovely the quiet (no screaming and drama) is; how nice it is to sleep through the night without being woken up.
Last night, at 2:00 am, I was googling how long it takes to grieve a relationship and when I read the data, I decided I wasn't willing to wait that long. Important realization and step toward the future. The nice guy isn't coming back and it's time to stop romanticizing the good days. He was always an A, lied about it, and his problem became progressive--just like everyone here has told me. Can I ever trust him in the future (not that I ever would)? No. He could be sober for 25 years and I would not trust him again.
I'm worth more and so are you. Big hugs.
It's easy for me to say "you're better off" without him in the picture--and I can speak from experience with that comment. Does it always feel like you're better off? Oh he!!, no. It can be lonely and sad and I'll be the first to admit that. I'll also say that I notice how lovely the quiet (no screaming and drama) is; how nice it is to sleep through the night without being woken up.
Last night, at 2:00 am, I was googling how long it takes to grieve a relationship and when I read the data, I decided I wasn't willing to wait that long. Important realization and step toward the future. The nice guy isn't coming back and it's time to stop romanticizing the good days. He was always an A, lied about it, and his problem became progressive--just like everyone here has told me. Can I ever trust him in the future (not that I ever would)? No. He could be sober for 25 years and I would not trust him again.
I'm worth more and so are you. Big hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 15
Thank you
Originally Posted by EllieJ
I'm so sorry this is happening to you! I know how painful it is to have to say goodbye to someone you love because of alcoholism. It's possible he's taking a really mature step towards working on his recovery....if he was only not drinking and not doing the work that comes with recovery, then he probably couldn't be the best partner for you anyway. As you mentioned, you were noticing his distance and lack of affection. You can't predict the future...maybe take his advice and don't wait around for him. If it all works out for the two of you, then so be it, but in the meantime take care of yourself and try not to let yourself get stuck in the what ifs... Wishing you peace.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by thesprings1999
Still he feels we need to live apart for this phase. Yet, he doesn't want emotional separation. Still confused.
I'm not surprised you are confused, what he is saying makes no sense - doesn't want emotional separation, what the heck does that even mean?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
So I have been thinking about this.
You live together, planning marriage and children.
One day he blurts out that he is taking off, but you are the one for him. He then says he wants to stay emotionally connected but live separately, basically no romantic relationship.
How hugely selfish is that? I'm not saying that people can't be selfish or that he can't be, he is a grown man and can do whatever he wants, I'm just asking - is that all YOU want? He is doing this to either drink or for recovery, does it matter? If you wait for him, how long does this take? A year? Two, five? Are you willing to just cruise along with him?
I don't know, it just doesn't seem fair to you in my opinion and it's going to hurt you, seems like a bad situation. Who is to say Mr. right isn't waiting right around the corner and it is someone that will treat you with respect, kindness and care.
It might be a good idea to get away from him for a while to get some perspective?
Anyway, just some thoughts.
You live together, planning marriage and children.
One day he blurts out that he is taking off, but you are the one for him. He then says he wants to stay emotionally connected but live separately, basically no romantic relationship.
How hugely selfish is that? I'm not saying that people can't be selfish or that he can't be, he is a grown man and can do whatever he wants, I'm just asking - is that all YOU want? He is doing this to either drink or for recovery, does it matter? If you wait for him, how long does this take? A year? Two, five? Are you willing to just cruise along with him?
I don't know, it just doesn't seem fair to you in my opinion and it's going to hurt you, seems like a bad situation. Who is to say Mr. right isn't waiting right around the corner and it is someone that will treat you with respect, kindness and care.
It might be a good idea to get away from him for a while to get some perspective?
Anyway, just some thoughts.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
So sorry this is happening to you - it’s devastating.
I know it hurts, sometimes there is no choice but to let them go. If he wants to be with you - he will come back. Him not wanting emotional separation does not make sense, sounds like he just wants to come and go as he pleases. Alcoholics love to keep their loved ones confused - chaos and drama works in their favor.
Take care of yourself. It is what it is, and may very well be the best gift Universe has offered to you (although it doesn’t seem like it now)
I know it hurts, sometimes there is no choice but to let them go. If he wants to be with you - he will come back. Him not wanting emotional separation does not make sense, sounds like he just wants to come and go as he pleases. Alcoholics love to keep their loved ones confused - chaos and drama works in their favor.
Take care of yourself. It is what it is, and may very well be the best gift Universe has offered to you (although it doesn’t seem like it now)
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Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Nata1980
So sorry this is happening to you - it’s devastating.
I know it hurts, sometimes there is no choice but to let them go. If he wants to be with you - he will come back. Him not wanting emotional separation does not make sense, sounds like he just wants to come and go as he pleases. Alcoholics love to keep their loved ones confused - chaos and drama works in their favor.
Take care of yourself. It is what it is, and may very well be the best gift Universe has offered to you (although it doesn’t seem like it now)
I know it hurts, sometimes there is no choice but to let them go. If he wants to be with you - he will come back. Him not wanting emotional separation does not make sense, sounds like he just wants to come and go as he pleases. Alcoholics love to keep their loved ones confused - chaos and drama works in their favor.
Take care of yourself. It is what it is, and may very well be the best gift Universe has offered to you (although it doesn’t seem like it now)
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Originally Posted by trailmix
So I have been thinking about this.
You live together, planning marriage and children.
One day he blurts out that he is taking off, but you are the one for him. He then says he wants to stay emotionally connected but live separately, basically no romantic relationship.
How hugely selfish is that? I'm not saying that people can't be selfish or that he can't be, he is a grown man and can do whatever he wants, I'm just asking - is that all YOU want? He is doing this to either drink or for recovery, does it matter? If you wait for him, how long does this take? A year? Two, five? Are you willing to just cruise along with him?
I don't know, it just doesn't seem fair to you in my opinion and it's going to hurt you, seems like a bad situation. Who is to say Mr. right isn't waiting right around the corner and it is someone that will treat you with respect, kindness and care.
It might be a good idea to get away from him for a while to get some perspective?
Anyway, just some thoughts.
You live together, planning marriage and children.
One day he blurts out that he is taking off, but you are the one for him. He then says he wants to stay emotionally connected but live separately, basically no romantic relationship.
How hugely selfish is that? I'm not saying that people can't be selfish or that he can't be, he is a grown man and can do whatever he wants, I'm just asking - is that all YOU want? He is doing this to either drink or for recovery, does it matter? If you wait for him, how long does this take? A year? Two, five? Are you willing to just cruise along with him?
I don't know, it just doesn't seem fair to you in my opinion and it's going to hurt you, seems like a bad situation. Who is to say Mr. right isn't waiting right around the corner and it is someone that will treat you with respect, kindness and care.
It might be a good idea to get away from him for a while to get some perspective?
Anyway, just some thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Nata1980
So sorry this is happening to you - it’s devastating.
I know it hurts, sometimes there is no choice but to let them go. If he wants to be with you - he will come back. Him not wanting emotional separation does not make sense, sounds like he just wants to come and go as he pleases. Alcoholics love to keep their loved ones confused - chaos and drama works in their favor.
Take care of yourself. It is what it is, and may very well be the best gift Universe has offered to you (although it doesn’t seem like it now)
I know it hurts, sometimes there is no choice but to let them go. If he wants to be with you - he will come back. Him not wanting emotional separation does not make sense, sounds like he just wants to come and go as he pleases. Alcoholics love to keep their loved ones confused - chaos and drama works in their favor.
Take care of yourself. It is what it is, and may very well be the best gift Universe has offered to you (although it doesn’t seem like it now)
I pray that this is all for a much bigger purpose.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by trailmix
So I have been thinking about this.
You live together, planning marriage and children.
One day he blurts out that he is taking off, but you are the one for him. He then says he wants to stay emotionally connected but live separately, basically no romantic relationship.
How hugely selfish is that? I'm not saying that people can't be selfish or that he can't be, he is a grown man and can do whatever he wants, I'm just asking - is that all YOU want? He is doing this to either drink or for recovery, does it matter? If you wait for him, how long does this take? A year? Two, five? Are you willing to just cruise along with him?
I don't know, it just doesn't seem fair to you in my opinion and it's going to hurt you, seems like a bad situation. Who is to say Mr. right isn't waiting right around the corner and it is someone that will treat you with respect, kindness and care.
It might be a good idea to get away from him for a while to get some perspective?
Anyway, just some thoughts.
You live together, planning marriage and children.
One day he blurts out that he is taking off, but you are the one for him. He then says he wants to stay emotionally connected but live separately, basically no romantic relationship.
How hugely selfish is that? I'm not saying that people can't be selfish or that he can't be, he is a grown man and can do whatever he wants, I'm just asking - is that all YOU want? He is doing this to either drink or for recovery, does it matter? If you wait for him, how long does this take? A year? Two, five? Are you willing to just cruise along with him?
I don't know, it just doesn't seem fair to you in my opinion and it's going to hurt you, seems like a bad situation. Who is to say Mr. right isn't waiting right around the corner and it is someone that will treat you with respect, kindness and care.
It might be a good idea to get away from him for a while to get some perspective?
Anyway, just some thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by trailmix
Sorry, phase of what?
I'm not surprised you are confused, what he is saying makes no sense - doesn't want emotional separation, what the heck does that even mean?
I'm not surprised you are confused, what he is saying makes no sense - doesn't want emotional separation, what the heck does that even mean?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Leelee168
Relationships ending are difficult--even when there is not alcohol involved. When alcohol plays a part then it's confusing and often hurtful on top of everything else.
It's easy for me to say "you're better off" without him in the picture--and I can speak from experience with that comment. Does it always feel like you're better off? Oh he!!, no. It can be lonely and sad and I'll be the first to admit that. I'll also say that I notice how lovely the quiet (no screaming and drama) is; how nice it is to sleep through the night without being woken up.
Last night, at 2:00 am, I was googling how long it takes to grieve a relationship and when I read the data, I decided I wasn't willing to wait that long. Important realization and step toward the future. The nice guy isn't coming back and it's time to stop romanticizing the good days. He was always an A, lied about it, and his problem became progressive--just like everyone here has told me. Can I ever trust him in the future (not that I ever would)? No. He could be sober for 25 years and I would not trust him again.
I'm worth more and so are you. Big hugs.
It's easy for me to say "you're better off" without him in the picture--and I can speak from experience with that comment. Does it always feel like you're better off? Oh he!!, no. It can be lonely and sad and I'll be the first to admit that. I'll also say that I notice how lovely the quiet (no screaming and drama) is; how nice it is to sleep through the night without being woken up.
Last night, at 2:00 am, I was googling how long it takes to grieve a relationship and when I read the data, I decided I wasn't willing to wait that long. Important realization and step toward the future. The nice guy isn't coming back and it's time to stop romanticizing the good days. He was always an A, lied about it, and his problem became progressive--just like everyone here has told me. Can I ever trust him in the future (not that I ever would)? No. He could be sober for 25 years and I would not trust him again.
I'm worth more and so are you. Big hugs.
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