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Old 05-22-2018, 10:26 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Goodbye is hard


Hi, I am new and have never wrote in a forum before so try and bear with me.
Since August of 2017 I had been seeing a guy that I met online. He is 31 and I am 21. When I first met him I thought he was everything I had been looking for in a number of ways. He was artistic, sweet, kind, and eager to spend time with me. We got serious very fast and talked a lot about marriage and having children in the future. I am in school to be a social worker and he was going to move to wherever I go to graduate school with me. Everything seemed great but I knew a lot of things about him that definitely made me uneasy.
My boyfriend had never finished school, was working a minimum wage job with no benefits, and did not have a car. He also lived in a pretty gross apartment with his brother. I am not trying to sound like a snob because none of those things mattered to me! I let him use my car whenever he needed and I trusted him. As things progressed in our relationship he invited me to Christmas with his family that lives in another state and we spent the week there. I liked his family a lot and I felt at home with them.
Now fast forward to now (sorry I know this is so long). Over the past months my significant other had gotten drunk countless times. Sometimes it was okay but usually it would end up with him speaking nonsense or worse. On my 21st birthday he got much more drunk than me and ended up losing his wallet which had his whole paycheck cashed in it. We had a whole special weekend planned and were unable to go because he never got that money back. Other times when he would drink he would become frighteningly mean. Gone was the sweet and almost timid guy I loved so much and in front of me became a horrible person that called me horrible things. He would become paranoid and jealous and pressure me to have sex with him if I did not want to.
But every single time he would apologize and claim he did not remember what had happened or he would cry because he felt so awful. So I always forgave him. It felt like 7/10 of the time he was wonderful! Loving, attentive, and committed. He was so romantic and would always do any favor I asked. But the other times he was so horrible that it was unbearable.
This past weekend everything fell apart and I did not even see it coming. My boyfriend got drunk anticipating his sister's arrival because she was visiting for her birthday. The night went fine even though I was feeling wary about the amount he was drinking. When we got home that night I wanted to go to bed because of how late it was (1:30am) and my SO got extremely upset. He did his all too now familiar routine of whispering obscenities to me all night, Ex.) "You are such a tease, you are such a prude, I liked you better when you were blonde and a ****." I was heartbroken.
The next morning I noticed he was still wasted and I was exasperated. I tried to get him out of the house but he restrained me and I became very upset. I managed to call his sister and tell her to ask him to come back to his place where she was staying. He ignored all her calls but I eventually tricked him into leaving.
As the day went on I realized that he had taken things from my room and that he had drank my entire bottle of vodka. I was shocked. I drove to his house to get my things back and realized I fell into his trap. Once there he trapped me and caused a scene. Long story short: grabbed the steering wheel, told me if i left him he would kill himself, restrained me multiple times. In the past he had left bruises on me from how hard he would grab me when he was intoxicated. I ran up to his apartment and thankfully was able to get his sister to take me home. That was the last time I saw him.
His sister told me this has been going on for a decade. My SO had done the same things to his last girlfriends which caused them to leave him. Apparently his whole family labels him as an alcoholic and I always thought I was somehow exaggerating his drinking in my head. He had never been able to stop drinking for more than a couple months and he had almost died drunk driving when he was in his 20s. He had also been arrested for being drunk other times also.
I am not sure if anyone will read this long drawn out story but I just wanted to know that someone can relate I guess. It is hard for me to let go but I had to block him on everything because I was so scared of him. I do not know if this even makes sense it is such a complicated and f****d up situation. I feel completely hollow about my future with men. I almost emailed him tonight to say goodbye because I do not know if he will ever actually check his email and see that but I did not send it because it seemed pathetic after what he has put me through.
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Old 05-22-2018, 11:25 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi, sorry for what brings you here.

First of all you might want to have a look at the stickies in this forum, in particular this:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

This will give you a good overview of alcoholism and you will no doubt find some similarities in the stories you read that have been posted by others.

I know it's hard for you right now, you are no doubt feeling very hurt. Please resist the urge to send that email right now. One day at a time, 15 minutes at a time even, resist the urge to contact him. It will do you no good.

He is not only an alcoholic, he is an abuser. Under what circumstance is it ok for someone to try to trap you? Under what circumstance is it ok for anyone to put their hands on you and leave bruises? There is NO circumstance where that is ok.

For now, it is probably best to try not to contact him and if he contacts you ignore it. You have been dragged in to an abusive relationship and you need some time alone to get perspective.

Have you told anyone else about this, friends or family members? If you do have people you trust, let them know, discuss it, tell them what he does, don't keep it a secret.

You may also want to look at attending some Al-Anon meetings for face to face support and of course keep posting here.
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Old 05-22-2018, 11:49 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Sending you positive energy, and strength. Make a short term plan to get you thru this painful break up, write it off as a lesson learned, and go forward with your life.

You will find support here, people truly understand how you are currently feeling. I felt like I was slapped in the face with a slimy dead fish. I had to learn what self care was, and most important, practice self care everyday. Now is the time to concentrate on you.

Glad to hear that you did not send an email, if you are done. Be done,, do not engage, blocking and deleting him, are your best bet. It’s never ok for someone to injury you and leave bruises, that is a dealbreaker in my book. Take some time and read around the forum, everyone’s story seems to have the same story line. Once upon a time we all knew an amazing individual who lost control of their life, and now their life is ruled by addiction. The longer we stay in a toxic situation, the more our lives spiral out of control, addiction will be ruling the roost. Take care
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Old 05-23-2018, 07:22 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Oh goodness. I am going to be blunt here. Run. Fast.

If not, you are looking at a future with an alcoholic that is 10 years older than you. You will become his care taker, not his spouse. And that is not fun, it's not a relationship.

I know it's hurtful, and I say this all gently because I know it hurts. Keep that focus on you. If he comes back with suicidal threats, call the police for a well check. That will do two things, if he is serious it will get him the help he needs. If it's manipulative, it will let him see you mean business and won't deal with that.

No new contact = No new hurts.

Big hugs.
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Old 05-23-2018, 07:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Little Sister, I'm going to second the comments of hopeful4: Run. Fast. You have an entire future ahead of you: grad school, career, family, buying a home and so much more. If you stay with this person, all of that is at risk. I understand being stuck on someone's potential; my AX was not always an abusive butthead. When I first met him, he was charming, chivalrous, kind and that is the person I fell in love with--not the person that he is today. I gave up over five years of my life with him and the past two were particularly bad. I have been there where I begged him to stop drinking, changed my life to suit his moods, whatever I thought might help. And you know what? Nothing ever helps. He wants to be an alcoholic. It's cost me financially. It's cost me peace of mind. It's probably taken years off my life and I have aged about 10 years in a short time period. Don't be me; you have so much more waiting for you.
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Old 05-23-2018, 08:45 AM   #6 (permalink)
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You are very young and I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I agree, run, don't look back, save yourself now and move forward with your plans. If you need to talk to someone, do it, it might help you get your feet firmly planted again. Don't talk to, this guy, no texts , emails, voicemails etc..... I think you have all the information you need and his sister has confirmed it all. That is a gift.

This is an awesome community, the wonderful people here get it and they care deeply. Stick around and take care of yourself. I know it is painful and I feel for you, but ending this now is divine intervention, keep moving forward.

Sending support and love Katie
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Old 05-23-2018, 10:09 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Thank you so much for this reply.

I have told my mother and my roommates which I am close to. We are going to go out of town this weekend for memorial day and get my mind off of it.

My mother is actually in recovery and has been for I think 15 years. She also suggested I go to Al-Anon and I think I will try a meeting. Thanks again
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Old 05-23-2018, 10:28 AM   #8 (permalink)
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At 21, you can have a wonderful life ahead of you, but you need to get away from this guy first. Being around him any longer will only drag you down a dark, unhealthy path.

Addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages. Don't become his hostage.
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Old 05-23-2018, 01:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Hi Sagcitrine and so glad you found Soberrecovery. Also so sad you have need to find us. Ugh.

Your title was a wonderful understatement!!!! It is so so so damn hard to walk away from these people. No matter how bad it is and how obvious the choice is, it just sucks beyond anything. The grieving and healing takes time and usually more time than anyone wants it to take.

I'm happy to hear you have some support. I never went the alanon route but I know it has been a godsend for many.

Let us know how you are getting on.
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Old 05-23-2018, 05:03 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by SagCitrine View Post
Thank you so much for this reply.

I have told my mother and my roommates which I am close to. We are going to go out of town this weekend for memorial day and get my mind off of it.

My mother is actually in recovery and has been for I think 15 years. She also suggested I go to Al-Anon and I think I will try a meeting. Thanks again

Wonderful!!!! Stick close to the friends and family that care and love you. I am so glad to hear you have this level of real time support!!! Have a great weekend
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Old 05-26-2018, 11:49 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I'm so sad

I know I shouldn't write this in here but I've pass trough a experience like this one.. Well I'm still here.. living with my bf which stoped methadone heroin and cocaine a month ago.. besides all the craziness lies and horrible treat he loved me and showed me his love in many ways... now that he is completely sober after 13 years of abuse he quit everything... and now... he doesn't know if he loves me or not.. he can be sweet or super rude and cold in a day.. his emotions and feelings changes every hour, he has no sex drive.. he just wants to be in NA which is great cuz he really changed.. but I would like to know how normal is that he can't even know for sure if he loves me or not.. but he does pays rent and all bills and doesn't want me to leave.. but it's hard for him to be close to me.... I'm totally confused with ALL this.. so please tell me is u know it's normal to don't even know if he loves me or not.... Well thank u blessings..
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Old 05-27-2018, 09:36 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Gabdan View Post
I know I shouldn't write this in here but I've pass trough a experience like this one.. Well I'm still here.. living with my bf which stoped methadone heroin and cocaine a month ago.. besides all the craziness lies and horrible treat he loved me and showed me his love in many ways... now that he is completely sober after 13 years of abuse he quit everything... and now... he doesn't know if he loves me or not.. he can be sweet or super rude and cold in a day.. his emotions and feelings changes every hour, he has no sex drive.. he just wants to be in NA which is great cuz he really changed.. but I would like to know how normal is that he can't even know for sure if he loves me or not.. but he does pays rent and all bills and doesn't want me to leave.. but it's hard for him to be close to me.... I'm totally confused with ALL this.. so please tell me is u know it's normal to don't even know if he loves me or not.... Well thank u blessings..
Hi Gabdan and welcome to SR, sorry for the situation you are in.

I just want to suggest that you start a new thread, you might find you get a lot more replies. You are in the right forum and the right place for support.
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