How can I get out???
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
In my community there is a service that provides you with all the available services out there. You may even call the police department and ask them if they know about a similar service. Basically it's to coordinate care. It even has churches, etc. Catholic Charities is a huge organization, see if there is one near you and call them. (You don't need to be catholic, it's simply a similar service). United Way may also have resources. Reach out to your community, or the nearest large community near you if you are rural. He does not have to stay there, it would be preferable if he were elsewhere actually. Teen Challenge for men is also a great resource, and it's long term.
Reach out, there are resources, one simply has to find them.
Reach out, there are resources, one simply has to find them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
With all due respect, though I understand the compassion aspect of all of these suggestions - how much more is she on the hook to do for this guy?? She's tapped out emotionally and in all other manners. Why should she have to make all these phone calls, visits, etc.?
While it's not ideal to have to find help for the ex here, it doesn't sound like Cakelady is ready to just toss him out on the street, so other suggestions are good I think.
Sometimes people just aren't ready to make that break without ensuring the other person is taken care of.
Now we are going to get in trouble for talking to each other and hijacking this thread.
See you in the principals office : /
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
There are homeless shelters, and it might be best to let him find a way for himself. He's always found a way to drink, right?!
You said everything you has is depleted - isn't it time to take care of yourself?
Sending you (((HUGS))) You didn't do this to him, and you don't owe him anything else. Look at all you have already done, there isn't anything cruel about letting an adult deal with their own consequences.
You said everything you has is depleted - isn't it time to take care of yourself?
Sending you (((HUGS))) You didn't do this to him, and you don't owe him anything else. Look at all you have already done, there isn't anything cruel about letting an adult deal with their own consequences.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I absolutely agree, CakeLady is not responsible for doing any of this. However, it does not sound as though she is ready to just turn him out on the street so I thought I would throw in some options. I would not do any of this, but I have went through enough myself to realize I am not responsible for anyone else, they are.
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
With all due respect, though I understand the compassion aspect of all of these suggestions - how much more is she on the hook to do for this guy?? She's tapped out emotionally and in all other manners. Why should she have to make all these phone calls, visits, etc.?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CakeLady…..there is a reason that I also suggested the government social worker at your local county government, in additional to the hospital one....they are not connected. You can get the number of the county social services dept. by googling your county government....and, then, make an appointment. Depending on your county...they may list all of the alcoholism and other services that are offered in your area....such as housing and financial support, etc...…
You did not mention his age, but, that may be a factor, also....especially, if he is older....
Hopeful, also gave you some good suggestions. The thing is, you/he will have to turn over every rock, so to speak. There are often sources of help that people don't even know of....Catholic Charities and United Way are very good ideas, like hopeful said.....they may know of services that no one else knows of....
You can also call the local AA number and ask if a member can do a 12th step visit to him, whild still in the detox unit.........Sometimes, a recovering alcoholic can communicate with a person better than anyone else....even if he were to go to a homeless shelter, he still has AA available to him. He cannot drink in a homeless shelter, which would help him with his sobriety support, and, therefore, aid his liver.
I don't know how large your community is...but, many homeless shelters also have workers, who function as social workers , to help with getting a person on their feet and making alcoholism and drug addiction services available--like AA meetings, transportation services or free bus/taxi passes, etc...
His own motivation is going to be a factor in how things unfold, even with your "help".....
***By the way...I cannot speak highly enough of the Salvation Army....and I hope that they can help him...but, they are not the only "hope for a humane solution"......there is help out there for those who are willing to turn over rocks to find it...and, for those who really want the help.....
You have not mentioned his attitude, in all of this......
You did not mention his age, but, that may be a factor, also....especially, if he is older....
Hopeful, also gave you some good suggestions. The thing is, you/he will have to turn over every rock, so to speak. There are often sources of help that people don't even know of....Catholic Charities and United Way are very good ideas, like hopeful said.....they may know of services that no one else knows of....
You can also call the local AA number and ask if a member can do a 12th step visit to him, whild still in the detox unit.........Sometimes, a recovering alcoholic can communicate with a person better than anyone else....even if he were to go to a homeless shelter, he still has AA available to him. He cannot drink in a homeless shelter, which would help him with his sobriety support, and, therefore, aid his liver.
I don't know how large your community is...but, many homeless shelters also have workers, who function as social workers , to help with getting a person on their feet and making alcoholism and drug addiction services available--like AA meetings, transportation services or free bus/taxi passes, etc...
His own motivation is going to be a factor in how things unfold, even with your "help".....
***By the way...I cannot speak highly enough of the Salvation Army....and I hope that they can help him...but, they are not the only "hope for a humane solution"......there is help out there for those who are willing to turn over rocks to find it...and, for those who really want the help.....
You have not mentioned his attitude, in all of this......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by LLLisa
Bit harsh I reckon. I can't see where CakeLady has said he is abusive. Please don't call out "abuse" when there may not actually be any. Odds are there possibly is abuse, but the OP never described any abuse...
Also I wanted to say that dandylion's ideas of calling the social worker and/or Dr is such great advise. I worked at a hosp for years and didn't even think about that. The abuse issue overrode all my practical senses.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Cake Lady, just out of interest, what does your ABF say he's going to do? Does he have any intention at all of working on sobriety and recovery? Has he asked around about possibilities? Would he even consider Sally Army rehab?
All this stuff realky is up to HIM to decide to be honest, because he has the final say anyway, and if he wants to continue drinking himself to death he really will do just that, regardless of who or what is put in place to stop him doing it.
He's done all this before. It's not like he didn't know the score when he chose to drink again last time. Is there anything at all that makes you think he's going to do anything different this time? Only he can save him. Because onky he can make that decision not to drink. The cruelty inflicted on him is self-inflicted. And it's his prerogative to do this.
Insanity is repeating the same thing and expecting something different to happen. He has alcoholic insanity as his excuse. You don't need to join in this insanity.
BB
All this stuff realky is up to HIM to decide to be honest, because he has the final say anyway, and if he wants to continue drinking himself to death he really will do just that, regardless of who or what is put in place to stop him doing it.
He's done all this before. It's not like he didn't know the score when he chose to drink again last time. Is there anything at all that makes you think he's going to do anything different this time? Only he can save him. Because onky he can make that decision not to drink. The cruelty inflicted on him is self-inflicted. And it's his prerogative to do this.
Insanity is repeating the same thing and expecting something different to happen. He has alcoholic insanity as his excuse. You don't need to join in this insanity.
BB
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by LLLisa
That said, no-one is obligated to support another person who brings them down and is not supportive themselves.
Like others have suggested The Salvation Army are terrific. One of my sons has a good friend whose Dad is a Salvation Army Major who runs rehabs. My XAH refused to accept help from the Salvos but I really hope that one day he will.
Give the Salvos a call and see how they can assist. You've got nothing to lose. It's not "being too co-dependent" if it will ease your mind.
Good luck. xxx
I hope you are able to get someone to help him so you feel better and can move on
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Cake Lady, just out of interest, what does your ABF say he's going to do? Does he have any intention at all of working on sobriety and recovery? Has he asked around about possibilities? Would he even consider Sally Army rehab?
All this stuff realky is up to HIM to decide to be honest, because he has the final say anyway, and if he wants to continue drinking himself to death he really will do just that, regardless of who or what is put in place to stop him doing it.
He's done all this before. It's not like he didn't know the score when he chose to drink again last time. Is there anything at all that makes you think he's going to do anything different this time? Only he can save him. Because onky he can make that decision not to drink. The cruelty inflicted on him is self-inflicted. And it's his prerogative to do this.
Insanity is repeating the same thing and expecting something different to happen. He has alcoholic insanity as his excuse. You don't need to join in this insanity.
BB
All this stuff realky is up to HIM to decide to be honest, because he has the final say anyway, and if he wants to continue drinking himself to death he really will do just that, regardless of who or what is put in place to stop him doing it.
He's done all this before. It's not like he didn't know the score when he chose to drink again last time. Is there anything at all that makes you think he's going to do anything different this time? Only he can save him. Because onky he can make that decision not to drink. The cruelty inflicted on him is self-inflicted. And it's his prerogative to do this.
Insanity is repeating the same thing and expecting something different to happen. He has alcoholic insanity as his excuse. You don't need to join in this insanity.
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by Clover71
Agree , and especially with that last part
I hope you are able to get someone to help him so you feel better and can move on
I hope you are able to get someone to help him so you feel better and can move on
Thank you all for your supportive feedback. It’s nice to have someone on my team so to speak.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
If he is too sick to go to rehab, shouldn't he go to the ER after detox??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by hopeful4
In my community there is a service that provides you with all the available services out there. You may even call the police department and ask them if they know about a similar service. Basically it's to coordinate care. It even has churches, etc. Catholic Charities is a huge organization, see if there is one near you and call them. (You don't need to be catholic, it's simply a similar service). United Way may also have resources. Reach out to your community, or the nearest large community near you if you are rural. He does not have to stay there, it would be preferable if he were elsewhere actually. Teen Challenge for men is also a great resource, and it's long term.
Reach out, there are resources, one simply has to find them.
Reach out, there are resources, one simply has to find them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 15
I formerly posted under CakeLady3000 but can’t find or reset my password. I found it so helpful to read thru this thread. Things have changed / not changed for my XABF. He ended up moving to a friends trailer and when that didn’t work out because of his continued drinking, he moved in with a friend and made another month long attempt at sobriety. In August, he moved back to his home state to live with his sister. It was a relief to have him out of sight, if not entirely out of mind.
The fresh start seemed to help. He even applied for a job and started looking for his own apartment. Until Thanksgiving that is...when the same pattern that he’s repeated for years kicked off. I like to call it the Vodka Holidays in Hell. He flew across the US to go the the same friends house that he goes to every year for Thanksgiving where he annihilates any sobriety time by getting fallling down drunk and then proceeds to drink himself into the hospital on the brink of death by early February.
So why am I blathering on?? Because this year has been a huge victory for me in my own recovery. When he showed up falling down drunk, I didn’t cry or yell. I went back to bed and left him on the floor. The next morning we calmly agreed that he violated his agreement that he stay sober while at my house and he moved to a hotel. And more importantly for me, I let him
go. I’m not worrying or obsessing about whether he is OK. I’ve mentally placed him in the hands of his higher power. I pray he makes it back to his sisters house alive, but I’ve come to fully accept that the outcome is completely beyond my ability to control.
I’m still a long way from recovered. But, I’m making progress. So, yay for me!
Thanks for letting me ramble on.
The fresh start seemed to help. He even applied for a job and started looking for his own apartment. Until Thanksgiving that is...when the same pattern that he’s repeated for years kicked off. I like to call it the Vodka Holidays in Hell. He flew across the US to go the the same friends house that he goes to every year for Thanksgiving where he annihilates any sobriety time by getting fallling down drunk and then proceeds to drink himself into the hospital on the brink of death by early February.
So why am I blathering on?? Because this year has been a huge victory for me in my own recovery. When he showed up falling down drunk, I didn’t cry or yell. I went back to bed and left him on the floor. The next morning we calmly agreed that he violated his agreement that he stay sober while at my house and he moved to a hotel. And more importantly for me, I let him
go. I’m not worrying or obsessing about whether he is OK. I’ve mentally placed him in the hands of his higher power. I pray he makes it back to his sisters house alive, but I’ve come to fully accept that the outcome is completely beyond my ability to control.
I’m still a long way from recovered. But, I’m making progress. So, yay for me!
Thanks for letting me ramble on.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Yes, thank you for the update cakelady! You have been through a lot, I hope you are feeling some calm and freedom now.
He will continue to do what he does, which is drink.
Is it not amazing the lengths they will go to, to get their "fix" and justify it.
He will continue to do what he does, which is drink.
He flew across the US to go the the same friends house that he goes to every year for Thanksgiving where he annihilates any sobriety time by getting fallling down drunk
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