Loving too much.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Loving too much.
Loving too much.
This concept baffles me. 'course, I'm only a couple weeks into this program, I'm in the middle of chaos, and I'm still desperately reaching for anything that I can somehow understand about my situation in the hopes that once I understand I can then find a way to fix. Oh yeah, and I'm not getting much sleep so the following thoughts may be off the mark. (Broccoli's are not known for having good aim ;-)
A big part of the pain I am going thru right now is a result of how intensely I love my A. When I love, I do so completely, without reservation. To love less than completely is to place conditions on love, and that is not love at all. To me that's just a form of manipulation.
I think that my disease is not a result of loving too much. I think it's a result of how I choose to _show_ my love. There are some actions that are healthy and positive. Every time my wife has been hospitalized due to her disability I have been there for her. Taken time off work, spent the night in the hospital with her, brought her pillows and blankets from home. These were actions of compassion.
Other times my actions have had a different motivation. There have been times when I offered my love in exchange for certain behaviors from my A. I offered to love her even more if she would only treat me with respect, if she would only pay the bills she agreed to pay, if she would only take her medications as prescribed. ON and on and on. These were not actions of compassion. They were actions of fear.
"Loving too much" is _not_ about the depth of my love, there's nothing wrong with that. It's about allowing the intensity of my love to blind me to the reality of the world around me. For whatever reason, I use the intensity of my love as a form of "shield" from the harshness of the world, as a form of denial. I feel that if I love her enough, then reality will change, her addiction will disapear, and she will once again be the sweet, gentle, wonderful lady I married 19 yrs ago.
There's a song by Janis Joplin that says, in part: "I'd trade all my tomorrows for a single yesterday." I never understood that song, until today.
"Loving too much" means I don't have to change the way I _feel_. I have to change the way I _act_. I have to direct some of that love towards _me_, which is something I have rarely done before. I also have to trust in my HP and realize that by walking away from this marriage, something that is literally ripping me apart, I may be allowing my wife to reach her bottom. That would be an act of compassion.
I know what I need to fix now. I need to fix _me_. I need to find the faith with which to trust my HP, the strength with which to walk away from this marriage, and the hope with which to start looking at my tomorrows instead of my yesterdays.
Mike :-)
This concept baffles me. 'course, I'm only a couple weeks into this program, I'm in the middle of chaos, and I'm still desperately reaching for anything that I can somehow understand about my situation in the hopes that once I understand I can then find a way to fix. Oh yeah, and I'm not getting much sleep so the following thoughts may be off the mark. (Broccoli's are not known for having good aim ;-)
A big part of the pain I am going thru right now is a result of how intensely I love my A. When I love, I do so completely, without reservation. To love less than completely is to place conditions on love, and that is not love at all. To me that's just a form of manipulation.
I think that my disease is not a result of loving too much. I think it's a result of how I choose to _show_ my love. There are some actions that are healthy and positive. Every time my wife has been hospitalized due to her disability I have been there for her. Taken time off work, spent the night in the hospital with her, brought her pillows and blankets from home. These were actions of compassion.
Other times my actions have had a different motivation. There have been times when I offered my love in exchange for certain behaviors from my A. I offered to love her even more if she would only treat me with respect, if she would only pay the bills she agreed to pay, if she would only take her medications as prescribed. ON and on and on. These were not actions of compassion. They were actions of fear.
"Loving too much" is _not_ about the depth of my love, there's nothing wrong with that. It's about allowing the intensity of my love to blind me to the reality of the world around me. For whatever reason, I use the intensity of my love as a form of "shield" from the harshness of the world, as a form of denial. I feel that if I love her enough, then reality will change, her addiction will disapear, and she will once again be the sweet, gentle, wonderful lady I married 19 yrs ago.
There's a song by Janis Joplin that says, in part: "I'd trade all my tomorrows for a single yesterday." I never understood that song, until today.
"Loving too much" means I don't have to change the way I _feel_. I have to change the way I _act_. I have to direct some of that love towards _me_, which is something I have rarely done before. I also have to trust in my HP and realize that by walking away from this marriage, something that is literally ripping me apart, I may be allowing my wife to reach her bottom. That would be an act of compassion.
I know what I need to fix now. I need to fix _me_. I need to find the faith with which to trust my HP, the strength with which to walk away from this marriage, and the hope with which to start looking at my tomorrows instead of my yesterdays.
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 184
"Loving too much" means I don't have to change the way I _feel_. I have to change the way I _act_. I have to direct some of that love towards _me_, which is something I have rarely done before.
And you are totally right about needing to direct some of that love towards ourselves. This too has nothing to do with how much I love my husband. People have said to me "if you don't love yourself then how can you expect anyone else to?" and they are right. I need to love me. And I believe if I can do that things will start to fall into place.
Dont Fade Away,,,,....
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 21
I realized through all of this pain and sorrow, If I want a strong man I have to be a strong woman, we tend to lose ourself in our love for our A's, and I lost my love and sense of self, my fire, my needs...I put his suffering above mine, and I had to let go and step back, and have been away from him for seven weeks, and choose to stay silent...I dont call him, communicate other than annulment papers, and a letter telling him that I am moving to thailand in two weeks,....I chose my life, and I can breathe.
I realize through al-anon, that it's not about love, or our love for them...its about our love for ourself...and the stronger we are the stronger they are...they dont listen to what we say, they do what we do...and I set my bottom line, stuck to it, and walked into my own light, yes, I miss his scent, his touch, and his need for me, but ultimately, I am free to live happily, and not worry about his health, his sickness, and let him go to find his own path....
It is scary, but They say, do something you fear everyday, sometimes we have to step back and into us, to truly heal the ones around us......
Open hearts.....finding our voice...and inner love and truth...
Love to you!!!
I realize through al-anon, that it's not about love, or our love for them...its about our love for ourself...and the stronger we are the stronger they are...they dont listen to what we say, they do what we do...and I set my bottom line, stuck to it, and walked into my own light, yes, I miss his scent, his touch, and his need for me, but ultimately, I am free to live happily, and not worry about his health, his sickness, and let him go to find his own path....
It is scary, but They say, do something you fear everyday, sometimes we have to step back and into us, to truly heal the ones around us......
Open hearts.....finding our voice...and inner love and truth...
Love to you!!!
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