dawnrising

So my DD tells me that at her last outing with her Dad that he was going on and on about what he has missed these last two years. He then proceeds to try and share information about our marriage with her to which she told him to "stop it I'm a child not your therapist." Then he pulls out his phone and shows her all the times she hasn't texted him back. Btw she is 18 and at the end of her senior year, she's having to say goodbye to friends she's had for years before she moves across the country for school. Then he says he thinks the lying about drinking was the real problem and that having 2-3 beers after work is fine it was the lying. My daughter was so upset she has seen him passed out on numerous occasions and has even tried to wake him with no luck. Its like since I no longer respond to his bullying shenanigans he is picking it up with her. I don't know if he is finally feeling the consequences of his choices or if he is trying to keep all the denial going? He had accused her before of the two of us sitting around talking bad about him which doesn't happen because I wouldn't do it and if I even tried she would stop it anyway (she's a very smart girl.) I am so frustrated that my DD is having to deal with his paranoid delusions while she is at this very emotional time in her school life. She has lost so much already and she deserves to enjoy celebrating her accomplishments without having to feel guilty about simply behaving like a normal 18 yr old. I am heartbroken for her she deserves so much more. So here is my dilemma we both have a restraining order that says we can't talk poorly or about marital issues to the kids, do I say something or will that escalate the situation? I just want my daughter to get some peace.

Mango212

((((hugs))))

From my experience:

Say something.

Gather up support. Lawyer, therapist, etc.

Don't hold back.


When I'm alone and stay quiet is not a good thing for myself or kid. It's also been important for my child to see my support in action, even if the results aren't what I'd like. Maybe that's a huge part of it, too. That I have grace, emotions and live life no matter what is going on with others. I'm no longer willing to be pushed around. I pause and have time to choose my actions.

trailmix

I would say peace isn't going to come from him.

She handled it well. The only peace can be found with you and her talking it out in my opinion. Sounds like she already knows the lay of the land and knows she doesn't want to hear it.

Personally, I would mention it to him so he knows you are aware and don't approve, through your lawyer if that is your approach, but I would expect zero result from that.

Freedom1990

My thinking is what benefit, if any, are there for your daughter in these outings? Does she have to see him?

AnvilheadII

i would focus on how SHE feels and what SHE needs.

mamabear26

I would definitely calmly mention it to him. Maybe then he will get the hint and stop. And yes your DD handled it very well, good job to her.

SmallButMighty

Has your daughter, who seems to be a very bright young woman, asked for help dealing with her dad?

hopeful4

Oh wow, you are married to my X husband....Ha!

Seriously, I have two kids this same age, and my XAH does this exact same thing. He thinks he can control her and it makes him livid that he cannot. It's horrible. Unfortunately, the best thing you can do is get her into therapy so she learns how to deal with dear ol dad.

Big hugs.

dawnrising

My DD is in therapy but as we all know this is hard stuff. She and I both know that we can't control him or his behavior, so my question to her was "if this happens again what are some things you can do to take care of yourself?" I also told her that even though she is a child the state now sees her as an adult and as an adult if you want to leave a lunch, a conversation etc you have every right to do that with no explanation needed. I know its going to get worse as he must feel time is running out with her before she moves. She is irritated when he shows up to school events etc, he interrupts her when she's with friends always demanding a picture with her and according to DD "it feels like he's there to take a pic to show his family, friends that he is doing everything right but not there to actually connect." He won't do the work to mend this relationship and my heart breaks for her. I expect these summer months to be a master class in handling chaos thrown at the two of us but we will thrive because we live in the truth.

atalose

I would imagine that saying something about a conversation your daughter had with her father would be you interfering and placing your daughter in even a more difficult situation with her father. If anything she is the one who needs to speak up if it bothers her. Stay out of it mom, she needs to learn how to handle conflict and how to bring peace into her emotional world.

mylifeismine

Maybe she would like to establish some boundaries with
him about what is not up for discussion:
your marriage to him
his drinking/not drinking
no accusations of any kind, no fishing for info
his difficulties with his life

If he is unable to be with your daughter in the present moment of
her life & enjoy her company, what good is there in these visits?
None if she comes away feeling frustrated and used - seems to me.
At least her stating boundaries would be a start and his willingness to
follow would be very telling about his intentions.

trailmix

I didn't mention that I have actually been in just this situation, not with an alcoholic.

The result of discussing it with the ex was - zero.

The thing is, anyone who thinks that their child (whether 15 or 18) can be their therapist - well, you already know.

Nothing you say is going to have him reflect on this behavior, unless he all of a sudden becomes this really reasonable person? The thing is, from their point of view (i'm guessing) is who else are they going to tell this stuff to? Can't talk to you about it (the ex I mean) the children already know the story (basically) so I think it seems obvious to them to discuss it with them. Wrong.

Your child is a little older, however, this is not a zero game. These discussions with him are not nothing and while they may irritate her he is sitting there being a victim and basically deferring blame to you in a round-a-bout way.

While she is obviously smart and well grounded, it can have an effect on how she views you. Up until a while ago you were all a unit, children tend to see their family as a unit.

While she is no longer legally a child, at 18 years old most do not generally have the life experience to sort all this out.