It doesn't make sense
 

The following question comes up often, on this forum....."I know that I should leave...but why can't I?"....
The following article can shed some light on why it may be hard to leave a damaging or abusive relationship.....


https://www.abuseandrelationships.or...a_bonding.html

The more I learn, on a very deep level, about traumatic bonding, the more I'm able to forgive my brain for what seemed like a betrayal. It was doing it's best to help me survive dangerous situations.

Dandylion

That is a good article. Thanks

Do our addicts. Develop the same level of bonding with us as we do with them? Or are their brains working differently?

HardLessons…...I really can't answer that question.....I tend t think that it can happen, depending on the circumstances of the relationship.....

The book quoted in the article, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk MD, explains in detail why trauma bonding happens. It can be a heavy read with so much information, but if you go at a slow pace, it is easily understandable. Most libraries carry it, if you're doesn't, its about $15 for an ebook on Amazon. Well worth the money if you are looking for the answer to "why does trauma bonding happen?"

I think the "survive dangerous situations" is key to why we don't leave. We're trying to survive and sometimes that takes all of our energy; there's just nothing leftover to think about how we would get out.

From personal experience, I was trying to just keep everyone (me and the dog) safe on a daily basis and it took a huge amount of effort to do that and also go to work and get my job done and not get fired. I had the suitcase packed and hidden and had copies of all of my important papers in my desk at work, just as I had read to do on all of the abuse sites. I had money. I kept believing that I could manage the situation and keep everyone safe until he would finally get help.

Then came the day that I did not know if I could keep myself safe because the situation had deteriorated so much, and so quickly. I cannot explain that intuition, other than it was there and it was stronger than anything I had ever felt before. I wasn't thinking about leaving with my pre-packed suitcase after he passed out; I did not know that I would make it through the rest of the night in one piece given how violent he had become. I just know that I picked up a phone, hid in a closet, and dialed 911 and the police came and that action changed a situation that I absolutely believe would have ended in a much, much different way.

After he was taken away, I worried about how angry he would be. I called a friend and she was concerned about me and all I could think of was how p***ed he was going to be with me. I was, again, anticipating how I could keep myself safe. It's what I knew and lived for a long time. It's ludicrous to me now that I would have worried about him when I was faced with that kind of danger and I realize how much his addiction, and the resulting violence, truly did impact me.

The psychology of all addictions -- including codependency and alcoholism -- involves denial, rationalization and low self esteem. When I question any of these mental states I see the situation more clearly.

It is an interesting article. Thank you

As I was reading it, I was thinking about something I discovered about myself in thinking about a situation that happened years ago. I'm not sure if it's relevant but it seems to be. A long time ago several years after we first married, I did something very unlike me. Over the years I thought about it and decided that I created the chaos that I had been used to in my life. I'm happy to say I no longer want chaos and I don't want t to make it or feel likes its normal anymore. I've been working through a lot of emotions lately. And this is getting off topic of the thread, so apologies. I'm just venting. I feel like I have to always be "on" and always be strong and it's so tiring. I think I do it because I'm afraid in that weak moment I will fall apart. Maybe it isn't off topic. Maybe being strong all the time is chaos. Maybe I need to break down. At this moment I have nobody to just sit and talk to in person that could be with me while I allow myself to be weak

Do our addicts. Develop the same level of bonding with us as we do with them? Or are their brains working differently?

trauma bonding defined: Traumatic bonding occurs as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change.

in this case the addict is also the abuser. the abuser does not "bond" with the victim, there isn't a level of dependency only a need to control

addicts who are not also abusers likely do develop strong feelings of "love" but they are usually tied up with "need" - need for the other to keep the funds flowing, need for the repeat acceptance of their unacceptable behavior, need to know they will be cared for, fed, clothed, housed, and told what a good boy/girl they are when they string 3 days together. need to keep up appearances, need to "look" normal. need to not be alone. addicts HATE to be alone.....altho everything they do pushes everyone away and they lose the ability to form connections for anything other than continued using.....drinking buddies, dope man, pot connection.

My XAH was an addict and an abuser. He NEEDED me in order to keep drinking and drugging in the way he had become accustomed. His protestations of his "love" for me just re-enforced for me that he was using me. I believe he doesn't even realize this and still thinks that he "loves" me. If you love someone you don't lie to them, steal from them, gossip about them, lie about them and use them. You don't continually disturb their sleep when they beg you not to.