outandglad

I'm going nuts in my head...

Why did I call him and agree to see him again?
I though I'm in control... but I'm not...
I feel shattered...all the heavy emotions come back again...I feel manipulated by myself...cheated by my knee-jerk reactions...it feels like the order I had build collapsed again...
I thought we could just be friends...but no...
I can't see beyond this trap...
I'm not as strong as I think I am...

He said that it's the last time we see each other...that we would never talk again...I felt so sad... and believed him...
then he called again...
and it's going to go on and on and on...

I feel so weak...so predictable...that he is pulling me like a puppet on stage... I need to calm down...and take a big breath... my mind is so blank yet so close to exploding... I need help...

hope2bhappy

They can't give up the addiction, and WE can't give up them. And so it goes...

This is a process. Don't be so hard on yourself. Step back, reset your boundaries and start again. Now that you know that you're not as strong as you thought you were, you can be a better judge of how close you can safely get to him next time without falling apart (face-to-face, phone call, or postcard from abroad). Do whatever it takes, but just keep trying.

gelfling

Hello Hope,

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's my thought that it's impossible for us to be friends when the other is still actively involved with their addiction. I felt that if I cut off all intimate/personal feelings, we could just be friends. I couldn't do it because I realized that I was hoping that it would go back to the loving relationship I'd had so many years ago.

They know that they can manipulate us. Maybe not consciously. Even when we hate them, we still love them. Know what I mean. And when they toss us a crumb of attention, we go all to pieces. Bingo, they did it again.

Please be gentle on yourself. You can talk to other people at alanon meetings and get their input on this. They told me that a relationship of any kind was impossible unless he chose sobriety.

If we can't be lovers with an addicted person, we can't be friends either.

Hugs, Kathy

outandglad

Thanks, Hope, I feel much better today...concentrated on work... and at the back of my mind playing back the "tape" of our interaction again and and agin and to to find where the holes were and are... and revise my responses in my head... it's my way to set that boundry again... one day spent with A just threw me so off balance and my energy all drained... I'm glad I have the choice to be out of his presence...

Kate...You are so right...at the back of my mind I did wonder and wish something miraculous would happen... and it would work out again... There is no way we could be "friends" ... I'm kidding myself...

It was a like a mega test of behaviors and responses... I just forgot to put myself in the "ready" mode...and showed up "naked" and unprepared...

I can't help wonder... how did his other ex G do it? Why could they still be good friends? or is this just one of his manipulative tricks to get me feel jealous and competitive... all the words coming out of him get my reactions like boomrang going back and forth...

Thank god for this forum ...

Thank god I can feel the sense of reality again... breathing right again... and more work to do...recollect myself...

Thank you all...