Partner is going through steps and it is making our relationship hard.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 5
Partner is going through steps and it is making our relationship hard.
My boyfriend has been sober for 4 years. We have 2 small kids, and he recently got a sponser. He has been going to meetings once or twice a week and just started working the steps. We got in an argument and he left the house abruptly. I text him and he said to give a minute he was talking to his sponser. 16 hours later he came through the door. At this point he is telling me the steps he is working on are only allowing him to care about himself and his kids. My question is, at what point is alright to be upset that he is closing himself off to me. But openly talking to his sponser. I am lost on how to stay present in this relationship at the moment. Any advice?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
At this point he is telling me the steps he is working on are only allowing him to care about himself and his kids.
ive been in AA since 2005. have read the big book countless times. i know nowhere in the bb ANY step that only allow to care about certain people, so, i call BS in his BS.
the home has been effected more than anything and that is where the most work should be put in.
big problem there being gone for 16 hours.
ive been in AA since 2005. have read the big book countless times. i know nowhere in the bb ANY step that only allow to care about certain people, so, i call BS in his BS.
the home has been effected more than anything and that is where the most work should be put in.
big problem there being gone for 16 hours.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
I'm sorry to be blunt, and I may be completely wrong, but leaving after an argument and not coming home for 16 hours is a HUGE red flag to me. Disappearing acts are not a sign of recovery, but they are often a sign of using.
Gentle hugs to you. Having small kids is so hard, even harder when the other parent is not fully engaged.
Gentle hugs to you. Having small kids is so hard, even harder when the other parent is not fully engaged.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I don't think you ever need permission to feel like however you're feeling, WW, but it doesn't sound like he is particularly great relationship material right now either. As tomsteve pointed out, it sounds like BS to me, too. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what you can do about it past accepting that this is not enough for you, and figuring out where to go from there.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I'm going to join the others who've called BS on your BF's claims that AA is either making him or giving him permission to act this way.
Now for something you may not want to hear: What have your OWN recovery actions entailed so far? Are you expecting that HIS sobriety will fix all the problems in the relationship? If so, you are just like I was--and you are just as wrong as I was.
I strongly suggest reading around the forums here, making sure not to miss the "stickies" at the top of the page. I'd also strongly suggest Alanon. If you find yourself thinking "it's HIS problem, not MINE--why should I have to do this recovery crap for myself IN ADDITION to putting up w/HIS recovery crap?", I suggest reading the following article:
But I Don?t Want to Go to Al-Anon!
Now for something you may not want to hear: What have your OWN recovery actions entailed so far? Are you expecting that HIS sobriety will fix all the problems in the relationship? If so, you are just like I was--and you are just as wrong as I was.
I strongly suggest reading around the forums here, making sure not to miss the "stickies" at the top of the page. I'd also strongly suggest Alanon. If you find yourself thinking "it's HIS problem, not MINE--why should I have to do this recovery crap for myself IN ADDITION to putting up w/HIS recovery crap?", I suggest reading the following article:
But I Don?t Want to Go to Al-Anon!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
from the big book:
Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them so.
practice these principles in ALL of our affairs.
We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs.
Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them so.
practice these principles in ALL of our affairs.
We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 5
Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my thread. I am having such a hard time. I am struggling with protecting my kids, respecting myself, and supporting him. He is not very good at communicating as is it, but recently he just shut himself off completely. I don't think he is using as he from what I know he drinks for like 5 days straight. He comes home everynight. I don't smell alcohol.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by WtchyWmn 
Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my thread. I am having such a hard time. I am struggling with protecting my kids, respecting myself, and supporting him. He is not very good at communicating as is it, but recently he just shut himself off completely. I don't think he is using as he from what I know he drinks for like 5 days straight. He comes home everynight. I don't smell alcohol.
Okay, but something is going on, his behavior is not that of someone doing the steps. He is treating you badly and shutting you out and he does not get to do that, unless you let him.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
WW.....there is more to recovery than just removing the alcohol.....recovery also takes in the way of thinking, attitude and actions...…
Since this has, from what you describe, been going on for a number of years....do you plan to continue on in this situation.....?
Since this has, from what you describe, been going on for a number of years....do you plan to continue on in this situation.....?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by dandylion
WW.....there is more to recovery than just removing the alcohol.....recovery also takes in the way of thinking, attitude and actions...…
Since this has, from what you describe, been going on for a number of years....do you plan to continue on in this situation.....?
Since this has, from what you describe, been going on for a number of years....do you plan to continue on in this situation.....?
I love him. We love our children. He has only just started to work the steps. I am assuming it is a process that will take time and patience. I guess I am taking it personal, I have found an al anon meeting close to our home.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
WW......there is sooo much to know about this disease and the effects that it has on the alcoholic and the loved ones. We have an extensive, excellent collection of articles on this subject, in our forum library.....More than one hundred o f them. Enough for you to read and digest one every single day.....
Knowledge is power....
I am giving you the following link to that library.....(also called the "stickies---at the top of the threads)……
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
two books that I would suggest for you are.....
1. "The Addicted Brain".....you can get it on amazon.com...…
and
2. "Co-dependent No More".....you can get this one on amazon.com, also.....
It would be great if love was enough to deliver a family from the ravages of alcoholism or a destructive personality.....
It that were so...there would be no need for this forum...lol....
Most all of us love...or, have loved out alcoholics and other difficult people in our circle of close people in our lives.....
While that may/is a fact....it cannot serve as an excuse or reason to allow it erode the joy and ability to thrive in this life.....and, especially, for our children.....
sometimes, the only answer is not to stop loving...but to love from a safe distance.....
Knowledge is power....
I am giving you the following link to that library.....(also called the "stickies---at the top of the threads)……
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
two books that I would suggest for you are.....
1. "The Addicted Brain".....you can get it on amazon.com...…
and
2. "Co-dependent No More".....you can get this one on amazon.com, also.....
It would be great if love was enough to deliver a family from the ravages of alcoholism or a destructive personality.....
It that were so...there would be no need for this forum...lol....
Most all of us love...or, have loved out alcoholics and other difficult people in our circle of close people in our lives.....
While that may/is a fact....it cannot serve as an excuse or reason to allow it erode the joy and ability to thrive in this life.....and, especially, for our children.....
sometimes, the only answer is not to stop loving...but to love from a safe distance.....
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Good for you for going to an alanon meeting!! I can tell you from having gone through inpatient rehab with other struggling addicts in recovery, sometimes the messages can be kind of confusing depending on who is guiding him. Of course recovery is about onesself first and foremost so he can be the best partner and father he can be. You hear many people say recovery is a selfish process in many ways, and you prioritize it completely.
As others have said, however, it does not mean that he gets a pass on neglecting responsibilities, not listening to you, and disappearing for 16 hours. He may be taking some of the AA dogma a bit too literally. In my experience, AA can fit just fine into anyone’s life without making it their entire life. There are those who came to AA completely alone in the world, and those who have families and big responsibility.
Alanon will help you approach this subject , as many people in AA don’t like talking about it with those who aren’t in the program. If he doesn’t want to discuss details, just find a way to talk to him about making AA fit into your life together. It will be worth it!
As others have said, however, it does not mean that he gets a pass on neglecting responsibilities, not listening to you, and disappearing for 16 hours. He may be taking some of the AA dogma a bit too literally. In my experience, AA can fit just fine into anyone’s life without making it their entire life. There are those who came to AA completely alone in the world, and those who have families and big responsibility.
Alanon will help you approach this subject , as many people in AA don’t like talking about it with those who aren’t in the program. If he doesn’t want to discuss details, just find a way to talk to him about making AA fit into your life together. It will be worth it!
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