Baffled....
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Baffled....
My soon to be ex husband is at a very senior position in a billion dollar company. I came across some pictures of him from an event. It baffles me - he is going around the world like nothing ever happened. All the fights behind the closed doors , all the controlling and manipulation that was going on , this divorce which is ugly including his recordings of verbally demeaning me and asking me to go get raped , nothing has affected this man. He puts on his mask and go about the world like a saint and the most devoted person. It messes with my head.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Raindrops. No good ever came from comparing our insides to anyone else's outsides.
Trying to understand the rationale of an active addict is like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle where you not only don't have all the pieces, but the ones you do have are from about twenty different boxes. It will drive you mad, and there is no solution.
One of the most helpful things I learned in recovery is that I do not have to understand something in order to accept it for what it is. Your ex's behavior is the outward expression of a very broken soul, which neither you nor anyone else but him can ever fix. In the meantime, your own soul needs tending and nurturing, and in that, you really can make a difference.
Trying to understand the rationale of an active addict is like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle where you not only don't have all the pieces, but the ones you do have are from about twenty different boxes. It will drive you mad, and there is no solution.
One of the most helpful things I learned in recovery is that I do not have to understand something in order to accept it for what it is. Your ex's behavior is the outward expression of a very broken soul, which neither you nor anyone else but him can ever fix. In the meantime, your own soul needs tending and nurturing, and in that, you really can make a difference.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Baffled......It is an oft-told story. Rich, powerful, successful men and/ or celebrities, often, do not make good mates. Sometimes, alcohol is involved...and, sometimes not.
Think if the recent situation of the secretary to the President of the United States....who shocked the outside world by his very abusive treatment of two ex-wives. To those who worked with him....they praised his professional "perfection".
There is an old saying..."Nobody knows what really goes on in a marriage unless they are hiding under the bed."
***In fact, I read a book on this subject....I have only ever found one book on the subject! It is a very good and enlightening read...
It is titled: "Not To People Like Us--Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages".....
I highly recommend it. You can get it on amazon.com
I highly recommend it.....
Actually, it is good for any abused woman to read...it is written by a therapist...
Think if the recent situation of the secretary to the President of the United States....who shocked the outside world by his very abusive treatment of two ex-wives. To those who worked with him....they praised his professional "perfection".
There is an old saying..."Nobody knows what really goes on in a marriage unless they are hiding under the bed."
***In fact, I read a book on this subject....I have only ever found one book on the subject! It is a very good and enlightening read...
It is titled: "Not To People Like Us--Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages".....
I highly recommend it. You can get it on amazon.com
I highly recommend it.....
Actually, it is good for any abused woman to read...it is written by a therapist...
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,611
I dated a narcissist once (for 2 years) - I guess I could say it was a relationship but that's impossible with and N - but anyway!
One day we were sitting in the same room and he was really talking to himself when he said "I guess I don't really need to change anything about myself, I'm fine the way I am".
I quoted, may not be entirely accurate but basically that's what he said.
I looked at him and said - Well no, why would you? Thinking OMG you really should haha (and also thinking - what a strange thing to say).
Anyway! The point is on some level he knew his was a mooching, mean, unbalanced, fake - etc etc - but in his head he could justify it all I guess and say oh i'm not that bad.
On top of that, as you can see, he is thinking his way is A-Ok.
No way can he be remorseful, if he was that would mean admitting that he needs to work on himself and why would he need to do that?
Not saying your STB ex is a narcissist but perhaps on the upper end of the scale somewhere.
One day we were sitting in the same room and he was really talking to himself when he said "I guess I don't really need to change anything about myself, I'm fine the way I am".
I quoted, may not be entirely accurate but basically that's what he said.
I looked at him and said - Well no, why would you? Thinking OMG you really should haha (and also thinking - what a strange thing to say).
Anyway! The point is on some level he knew his was a mooching, mean, unbalanced, fake - etc etc - but in his head he could justify it all I guess and say oh i'm not that bad.
On top of that, as you can see, he is thinking his way is A-Ok.
No way can he be remorseful, if he was that would mean admitting that he needs to work on himself and why would he need to do that?
Not saying your STB ex is a narcissist but perhaps on the upper end of the scale somewhere.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
I feel ya raindrops. My AH is really good at projecting whatever image he wants people to believe, but thats only because he won't let people get to close. Those who know him well know that there is something wrong. I get to hear my kids tell me about their dad's shenanigans and as of lately his "new look" aka poster boy midlife crisis. When I was a younger working woman we used to laugh at these guys how ridiculous they were. 
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 65
Baffled...I saw the red flags before I married, but rationalized that it wouldn’t happen to me. I went through a horrendous divorce, there was a lot of physical and emotional pain, but stopped being the victim, when realizing something very simple, that my spouse didn’t force me to marry, that it was my choice. I focused ONLY on my denial, my part, then I began to progressively get better.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 77
Hi Raindrops,
I can relate to the whole “messing with your head” part of his behavior. My high functioning A is also very successful in his career, and puts on a good front both professionally and socially (probably because he always makes sure to have a buzz going while he’s out and about!) He even had all my family and friends fooled. But little by little, his family (yes, the very people who would have the least incentive to speak badly of him) would let things slip about his personality that, looking back, were key indicators of his issues/poor character. Namely, his history of emotional disconnection from others, his tendency to become easily annoyed over minor things, as well as his inability to spend more than 3 consecutive days with people without getting grouchy/freaking out (he’s a big introvert who can’t be around people for too long)... I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s very likely the other people in his life that he’s close to know about his “bad side” (real side?) and it won’t be long before others who get close to him become acquainted with it too.
I can relate to the whole “messing with your head” part of his behavior. My high functioning A is also very successful in his career, and puts on a good front both professionally and socially (probably because he always makes sure to have a buzz going while he’s out and about!) He even had all my family and friends fooled. But little by little, his family (yes, the very people who would have the least incentive to speak badly of him) would let things slip about his personality that, looking back, were key indicators of his issues/poor character. Namely, his history of emotional disconnection from others, his tendency to become easily annoyed over minor things, as well as his inability to spend more than 3 consecutive days with people without getting grouchy/freaking out (he’s a big introvert who can’t be around people for too long)... I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s very likely the other people in his life that he’s close to know about his “bad side” (real side?) and it won’t be long before others who get close to him become acquainted with it too.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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you aren't divorcing in the court of PUBLIC OPINION....remember that.
and don't most/all of us put on an outside persona? i don't know about you, but i am a "different" person at work......it is expected that i behave in a certain way. even when we are sick or tired or not feeling well, we svck it up and put on our brave face.
try not to build him up into this Great and Powerful Oz. he's the little man behind the curtain.
and don't most/all of us put on an outside persona? i don't know about you, but i am a "different" person at work......it is expected that i behave in a certain way. even when we are sick or tired or not feeling well, we svck it up and put on our brave face.
try not to build him up into this Great and Powerful Oz. he's the little man behind the curtain.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
I have to go for a deposition and convince a judge about the abuse. How do you prove that when all of it happens behind closed doors and there are no witnesses ? He wants to drag it to trial. I have one or two audio recordings- but what do they prove?
Also, yes I do put on a face at work and behave a certain way but I am sorry, my core values remain consistent. I don't put on a friendly face at work and then get so tired of it that I go and abuse my spouse at him- which btw is the true personality.
Also, yes I do put on a face at work and behave a certain way but I am sorry, my core values remain consistent. I don't put on a friendly face at work and then get so tired of it that I go and abuse my spouse at him- which btw is the true personality.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
you aren't divorcing in the court of PUBLIC OPINION....remember that.
and don't most/all of us put on an outside persona? i don't know about you, but i am a "different" person at work......it is expected that i behave in a certain way. even when we are sick or tired or not feeling well, we svck it up and put on our brave face.
try not to build him up into this Great and Powerful Oz. he's the little man behind the curtain.
and don't most/all of us put on an outside persona? i don't know about you, but i am a "different" person at work......it is expected that i behave in a certain way. even when we are sick or tired or not feeling well, we svck it up and put on our brave face.
try not to build him up into this Great and Powerful Oz. he's the little man behind the curtain.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,611
I don't know but I would guess most cases of domestic abuse are he says she says.
I think a lot of people never call the police, tell others (maybe close family and maybe after the fact).
Sorry I don't have any experience of having to use that in court but aside from that, the law is the law.
I see you are in Texas and this is an at fault divorce? You know, all you can do is speak the truth, that's it. Judges listen to people lie all the time, every day they are in court. They are trained to pick up on these things. What can you do? All you can do is get a really, really good lawyer, tell your story and see how it goes.
I think a lot of people never call the police, tell others (maybe close family and maybe after the fact).
Sorry I don't have any experience of having to use that in court but aside from that, the law is the law.
I see you are in Texas and this is an at fault divorce? You know, all you can do is speak the truth, that's it. Judges listen to people lie all the time, every day they are in court. They are trained to pick up on these things. What can you do? All you can do is get a really, really good lawyer, tell your story and see how it goes.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Raindrops, I had to testify to the abuse for a protective order. You just tell your truth. My attorney worked with me to tell how and when the abuse started, how it evolved, and about the night that I had to call for help. It showed the pattern and escalation. I had also recorded many things in an online calendar and the attorney used those as well. I didn't have to go over every single instance and the judge was very respectful.
What I have learned is that most of us suffer through the violence for a long time before getting out; the judge knows and understands that. The process and experience are not pleasant, but they are necessary, and you will get through it.
What I have learned is that most of us suffer through the violence for a long time before getting out; the judge knows and understands that. The process and experience are not pleasant, but they are necessary, and you will get through it.
Originally Posted by Raindrops
I have to go for a deposition and convince a judge about the abuse. How do you prove that when all of it happens behind closed doors and there are no witnesses ? He wants to drag it to trial. I have one or two audio recordings- but what do they prove?
Also, yes I do put on a face at work and behave a certain way but I am sorry, my core values remain consistent. I don't put on a friendly face at work and then get so tired of it that I go and abuse my spouse at him- which btw is the true personality.
Also, yes I do put on a face at work and behave a certain way but I am sorry, my core values remain consistent. I don't put on a friendly face at work and then get so tired of it that I go and abuse my spouse at him- which btw is the true personality.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,411
I agree with leelee--tell your truth, have your lawyer help you organize the narrative as effectively as possible, play your recordings, and you will have done everything you can.
And quit looking at what he's doing. It isn't helping you.
And quit looking at what he's doing. It isn't helping you.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Raindrops, I had to go to court for a protective order too. What I needed were dates, facts, any records of anything, any witnesses, any phone calls to police... etc. If you don't have the latter two, records of dates and facts are good. Dig around your past for evidence. If you have a good lawyer, it helps. Get a lawyer who has dealt with domestic violence before. I had to explain domestic violence to my lawyer.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Between deposition and testifying and all of that it has been so expensive. I have a career but I had just started working maybe a year or two and had a lot of student loans to pay. So I had no savings. He had manipulated me to keep me out of community finances. So I have access to none . I have been working every single weekend to get some extra money. I am exhausted.
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Raindrops.....it is not uncommon for financially successful men to cut off the spouse from marital monies....it is a form of financial abuse....
Have you ever sought the help of domestic abuse organizations? If not, I suggest that you do....they can help you with low cost or free legal help....and, connect you with the services f a court advocate.....
One of the many problems of spouses in your situation is the fact that they become and feel very isolated...very alone with their challenges, and feel intimidated and helpless and hopeless to deal with the abusive spouse.....
There is a tendency to feel like these particular men are "outside the law".....but, they are not....
Have you ever sought the help of domestic abuse organizations? If not, I suggest that you do....they can help you with low cost or free legal help....and, connect you with the services f a court advocate.....
One of the many problems of spouses in your situation is the fact that they become and feel very isolated...very alone with their challenges, and feel intimidated and helpless and hopeless to deal with the abusive spouse.....
There is a tendency to feel like these particular men are "outside the law".....but, they are not....
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
I am going to the Houston area women's center tomorrow to see what help I can get.
Originally Posted by dandylion
Raindrops.....it is not uncommon for financially successful men to cut off the spouse from marital monies....it is a form of financial abuse....
Have you ever sought the help of domestic abuse organizations? If not, I suggest that you do....they can help you with low cost or free legal help....and, connect you with the services f a court advocate.....
One of the many problems of spouses in your situation is the fact that they become and feel very isolated...very alone with their challenges, and feel intimidated and helpless and hopeless to deal with the abusive spouse.....
There is a tendency to feel like these particular men are "outside the law".....but, they are not....
Have you ever sought the help of domestic abuse organizations? If not, I suggest that you do....they can help you with low cost or free legal help....and, connect you with the services f a court advocate.....
One of the many problems of spouses in your situation is the fact that they become and feel very isolated...very alone with their challenges, and feel intimidated and helpless and hopeless to deal with the abusive spouse.....
There is a tendency to feel like these particular men are "outside the law".....but, they are not....
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