Turquoise

12 days until ABF leaves. He has become quite clingy, demonstrative and teary, wanting to create some link into the future for us, meeting up etc, or contemplating a different future together once hes 'sorted himself out'. (Sorting himself out though, seems only to mean going travelling and returning overseas for an extended time to see his kids again!). We've been talking through stuff and he accepts he's an alcoholic and all the associated trouble this has caused me and my kids and that
his behaviour has ended the relationship. It's ironic that he is now being what I wanted him to be, before I asked him to leave. Open, honest and communicative.
All year I have been wanting this level of communication between us. It makes me think I was right all along. He just didn't want to be here with us and used his drinking to sabotage the situation , maybe unconsciously, for whatever reason. Now he has his freedom. Its not changing my mind however . I'm keeping my boundaries and actually feel quite numb. We've cried together because it's tragic really. We hoped for more , well I did, but I also feel that I am almost all cried out and have shut down to him. I don't think I would ever be able to trust him again, however much he recovered , or any other man actually, at this stage. My story so far has very much been about wanting his recovery so we could reconnect and stay together, but as this waiting period goes on and as I've shared here( which has helped me no end) I realise that there was alot of wrong and bad things that happened and he doesnt realise the half of it. I haven't told him that it feels final for me and I don't know why. I wonder if he's manipulating me to get me to take him back again. It also feels like I cannot ever forgive again. It's all confusing and too emotional and I just want him to go. It feels torturous at the moment.

biminiblue

You don't have to keep hashing it out with him..

I would try to stay busy away from him as much as possible.

trailmix

Maybe. Is he that manipulative? Did he consciously or unconsciously use drinking to sabotage or is he just an alcoholic, doing what they do, which is drinking,

It's much easier for him now to open up to you, he has been asked to leave, you have told him you are done with this relationship, he seems to have regrets, why not tell you all he has been thinking.

He wants to drink, he obviously doesn't feel that he can do that around you and your kids (and rightfully so as you are not happy with that).

'sorted himself out' - just words at this point.

Only a few more days, hang in there Turquoise! I'm sorry you are having to endure this emotional roller-coaster.

Mango212

I wonder if he's manipulating me to get me to take him back again.

Trust your instincts.

Mango212

It feels torturous at the moment.


Recognizing and honoring these feelings helps put the focus back to my self care. It's so very good you're able to vocalize this!

What self-support do you have around you?

Hawkeye13

I wouldn't discuss "future" while he's still in your home.

If he knows for sure you are done, he may relapse and cause more damage to your property or refuse to leave, etc.
He may be trying to manipulate, or maybe not, but either way he has a huge problem and needs to be out of you life as painlessly as possible.
This will also be better for kids--no more drama, or as little as can be managed.


I wouldn't lead him on, but a "we will have to see" might keep him on best behavior until he's out the house and on the plane.

Then you have time and space to reflect, and if you are done, you can let him know from a distance.